20. Catalina

20

CATALINA

I’m so exhausted, I almost convince myself that I didn’t hear Thane correctly. “What?”

“I know it’s only been a few months, but I have already caused you harm several times, and we both know it. Even if the contract hasn’t acknowledged it because you refuse to acknowledge it, Azazel will if we take this to him.”

I turn to face him. Thane looks tormented, his expression stormy and vulnerable. That last bit is enough for me to check my instinctive emotional response to what feels like rejection. Thane and I have already proven we aren’t always on the same wavelength when it comes to communication. I will not jump to conclusions.

I will not.

“If you break the contract, you lose your territory,” I finally say.

“So be it.” He says it so bluntly, as if he’s really willing to let his whole territory pay the price of our foolishness.

I believe him. I swallow hard. “Thane, don’t be ridiculous. Even if there was harm committed—and the contract hasn’t pinged it, so why would we bring it to Azazel’s attention?—you’re still weighing one person against thousands. Those don’t balance out.”

“You know, that’s what Embry told me when I wanted to go to war after Brant died. Sol claimed it was an isolated incident, committed by one of the old dragons who felt Brant trespassed on their territory. Not an act of war. Something to be dealt with quickly and quietly so we don’t ruffle the tentative peace between our peoples.” He’s not looking at me anymore. “Ze was right, but it doesn’t change the fact I am heartily tired of sacrificing the people I care most about in the world for the greater good.”

My heart can’t decide if it wants to drop or beat itself right out of my chest. “Embry would tell you the same thing in this situation that ze did before.”

“I’m aware.” Thane’s arms and tentacles tighten around me, but he’s careful not to hold me too hard, and he stays well away from my stomach. “I don’t care. I’ll sign away the leadership to Embry. I should have done it after Brant died. Once I do, the contract is null and void on that end.”

I’m pretty sure Azazel won’t think so, but it’s obvious this argument won’t make him see reason. He’s trying to send me away. My inner child wails at the thought, making it hard to think, but I have to. We’re poised on the edge of a blade, and one wrong move will send us hurtling into actions we can’t take back. “Do you want me to leave?”

He jolts. “What kind of question is that?”

“One I need an answer to.”

He drags in a breath. “I have hurt you.”

He knows I have nothing to go back to, and he still thinks he’s the worse option. “Thane.” My patience spins out, nearly snapping. “That is not an answer, and I’m going to need you to stop flogging yourself with guilt. Do you want me to stay or not?”

“Of course I want you to stay!” He flexes around me as if fighting his desire to plaster me to him. “I love you. But that means less than nothing because I don’t know how to be in a relationship anymore. I am too blunt, and I constantly do things that hurt you even when I’m trying not to.” He finally looks down at me, inky eyes devastated. “I don’t know how to be anything other than what I am, and the last thing I want is to cause you pain. I don’t see a way through this.”

It feels like I’m being split in two. Part of me wants to cling to the harsh things, to the fact he is trying to send me home and that’s just proof he’s like everyone else who thought I wasn’t good enough. The rest of me is fighting tooth and nail to keep my mouth shut while I process everything he just said.

He loves me.

He doesn’t want to hurt me.

He doubts his ability to be good enough?.?.?. just like I do.

I press my hands to his chest and sit up so I can see him properly. “Thane?.?.?. I think we’re already in a relationship.”

He blinks. “Excuse me?”

“I’ve been sharing your bed for weeks.” I speak slowly, feeling my way through. “We see each other every day. We go places together, and you show me things you care about. Maybe we aren’t always the best at communicating because of our respective baggage, but that’s something we’ve already made progress on, don’t you think?”

He blinks again. “I suppose?.?.?.”

That gives me the courage to keep speaking. “Don’t you think, given more time, we might learn to communicate even better? If we’re both willing to try?” When he doesn’t immediately respond, I take my heart in both hands and propel myself into a leap of faith. “I love you, too. It crept up on me, but it’s the truth. I know when we first met, I said I didn’t care about the motivations of the people in my life as long as the results felt good, but you’ve shown me there’s no substitute for being with someone who actually cares about me.”

“Catalina.” He reaches up and cups my face with one big hand. “I don’t deserve your grace.”

“That’s the thing about grace. It’s not about deserving.” I cover his hand with mine and give a choked laugh. “For fuck’s sake, you’re about to give up your territory for me. I don’t know of a bigger grand gesture than something like that. How can you say you’re not good for me, Thane?”

He searches my face. “I will give up my territory.” He must see my panic, because he rushes on. “Not to Azazel. But it’s long since time for Embry to take over. Ze is practically running the place these days.”

“You don’t have to do that.” I can barely comprehend the sacrifice he’s making. “Not for me.”

Thane smiles slowly, and the expression lights up his face. “I’m doing it for both of us.” He looks around the room. “Maybe we could move somewhere smaller. Farther from the keep. Into one of the villages on the coast.”

“Do you really mean it?” I whisper.

“Yes.” He kisses my forehead. “I’ll talk with Embry tomorrow.” He kisses my brow and then my nose. “But you don’t have to decide about staying now, Lina. We have time to pursue this properly.” His lips brush mine. “Allow me to court you the way you were meant to be courted.”

The thought thrills me. “Yes.”

“Good.” He kisses me lightly and then urges me down to lie on his chest. “Now rest. It’s been a long day.”

The events of the past few hours crash over me. I brace, waiting for shame or guilt or something, but there’s just a deep sense of relief. I made my choice, and I have no regrets. I have more hope for the future than I ever could have dreamed.

A future with Thane.

I’m smiling against his chest as sleep finally takes me.

I wakeup to the sound of Thane and Embry speaking in low voices. I can’t quite see them from my position, but I hear them clearly enough.

“Are you sure?”

Thane huffs out a laugh. “I should have passed it over years ago, and you know it. It’s time.”

“But the contract. Catalina. All of it. It’s dependent on you holding the leadership position. You’re good at leading.” Embry doesn’t exactly sound like ze wants to convince Thane not to step down, more like ze wants to ensure he isn’t doing it for the wrong reasons.

“I’m not what we need now. You are.” Thane’s voice warms. “It always should have been you.”

Ze snorts. “I see you’re serious, so I won’t keep questioning it. If this is truly what you want, then I’m happy for you.” Ze hesitates. “But if she’d stayed pregnant?.?.?.”

“That’s enough.” He doesn’t snap, but there’s no give. “I’m done letting people I love be hurt for the sake of the territory. If you would like a human partner, you’re more than welcome to approach Azazel and make your own contract.”

“Maybe I will.”

I don’t have siblings, but even I recognize the stubborn lilt to zir voice. I don’t know if ze will actually do it, but Thane could probably egg zir into it the way older siblings always seem to manage.

Of course, he doesn’t. “Thank you, Embry. I know this hasn’t been easy to balance in the past five years, and I doubt I’d still be here without you holding me in place.”

“You would have recovered just fine,” ze snaps. “You just needed a kick in the ass.” Zir tone warms. “Catalina is quite the kick in the ass, isn’t she?”

“Yes.” He’s smiling. I can hear it in his voice. “Now, she’s been through a lot, so it’s best you leave before she wakes.”

“So nurturing,” Embry teases. “You’re such a softy when you’re in love. I’m happy for you, Thane. Truly.”

“Thank you. I’ll be available for anything you need during the transition of power, but I think we both know you’re the leader in all but name right now, so I don’t expect much friction.”

“Stay well.”

“You, too.”

Then Embry is gone, with only a faint sound to indicate ze slipped into the water. I feel Thane approach more than I hear him, and I open my eyes as he stops next to the bed. He smiles a little. “You heard all that?”

“I didn’t expect you to move so fast with resigning.”

“It was time.” He shrugs and eyes me. “How are you feeling?”

That’s the question, isn’t it? I wet my lips, trying for honesty instead of humor. “I’m sore and feeling a little brittle, but I’m relieved. No regrets.”

“Okay.” His shoulders dip a little in something like relief of his own. “Embry brought some food, and if you’re up for it, I thought maybe we could play for a bit.”

My chest feels like it’s expanding, my heart growing to a truly absurd size. “Is there bread in that meal?”

His grin is wide and happy. “Of course.”

“You have yourself a deal.”