9. Confess Tabby

W alk straight ahead . Don’t engage. Don’t—

“Did I do something to upset you?” Jax asked before we got to the Dragon’s Lair door. “You’re like...hot and cold.”

“No.” I softened a little, ashamed of myself. “Shit, dude. I’m sorry. It’s been a tough day. Rob’s moving in and he might not come tonight, so I’m thinking about how I’ll get home.”

He nodded. “Makes sense. Congrats though. I figured you two already lived together.”

“Not yet.” Hopefully the universe won’t ruin that for me, too.

“Well, where’s your place? I don’t mind giving you a ride.” His raised brows and kind offer hid no obvious ulterior motive.

“Way far from here, really. Northwest, Outer Sunset.”

“I don’t know where that is. Near Golden Gate Park at all?”

I nodded.

“I live out there, too. At least, I do for a few more weeks. I’m moving in with Ethan next month.” Jax stepped ahead and shook the door, which was already locked since we were just past closing. “Who knows? Maybe we’ll see each other around now that I know your work’s close by. Nice to have friends outside of my office.”

“Yeah.” I pocketed my hands and gave up my quest to be cold to him. Might as well proceed as if you’re not going away. Jax was becoming a part of my new life, whether I liked it or not. The least I could do was be nice. “I think I’d like that. Could do lunch or something. I’m sure I can find you more familiar cuisine.”

Jax smiled at me like he meant what he said; he genuinely wanted to get to know me. No hesitation, in spite of my wishy-washy attitude. The gesture was familiar, and I knew it well. After all, the same approach worked on me at fifteen: find one thing in common and run with it.

My body flooded with heat, so much so I became itchy all over. I scratched my goatee as Ethan opened the door for us.

“You found him, nice. Come on, guys.” Ethan patted us both on the back heartily. “Is Rob gonna make it, Tabby?”

“Don’t know yet. Guess we’ll find out.”

––––––––

A n hour into the game campaign, my text tone chirped for a message from Rob.

Did you leave your lights on again?

Sorry, going home to pack. Tell Ethan

I’ll be back next week.

His accusatory message set me off. That’s it? I tell you I need you, and that’s all you have to say? I balled my fists, too angry to respond, though I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs how he could’ve at least given me the benefit of the doubt that the car problem wasn’t somehow my fault.

“Tabby, it’s your turn,” Cordelia said, snapping her fingers to get my attention.

“Whatever. I need to take a break. Hawk, roll for me.”

He scoffed. “Um, it’s Cyan this week, Tabby. Come on, you’re usually good at this.”

“Maybe I’m not in the mood right now, okay?” I stood for the soda machine and paced in front of it while tapping the aluminum lid of my can. I sucked in and counted to ten before releasing, then did it again—an old exercise I learned from my therapist years ago to keep myself in check.

Heavy boots squeaked toward me. I didn’t open my eyes.

“Annie, not now.”

“Enough of this,” she said, getting a soda for herself and tapping along the same way I did. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t.”

“Bullshit.”

“No, you don’t get it.” I opened my eyes and met hers. “I seriously can’t tell anybody. If I say it out loud, it’s too real.”

She cocked a brow at me, then opened the bathroom door. “You. In.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Get in. Now. Shoo.” Waving her hands, Annie ushered me in and followed, locking the door behind us.

I put the unopened can in my scrubs pocket and folded my arms. “I don’t know why you think being in here will be any different.”

“Tabby, I’m not an idiot. You were moody as shit last week, and you’re moody as shit now.”

“Swear to God, if you’re about to ask me if I’m on my fucking period, I’m gonna flip out on you.” I kept my wide gaze fixed on hers, so she knew I was serious. “That isn’t it, and what I’m going through right now is just...too strange to even put words to.”

She went to the sink and turned the water on, letting it run to drown out our voices to anyone who might hear us outside. “Try.”

Trapped. Why can’t I chew off my leg? I turned around and talked to the corner. “Rob’s moving in.”

“Oh?” She stepped a little closer behind me. “That’s a good thing, right?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s what I wanted six months ago. It’s what I thought I wanted since we got together. But tonight...he worked late and isn’t coming here. That’s all fine and good, but my car broke down. Got a ride here from Jax, and now he’ll have to take me home.”

“Hmm.” Her pause and otherwise lacking response said, and you’re bitching because...?

“The thing is, I told Rob I needed him to be here, and he didn’t care.” I shook my head and looked down to my rainbow Crocs, which were comfortable but obnoxious, the same way Rob sometimes described me. “He isn’t here to help me, but Jax is. It’s not fair.”

“Well, at least Jax is a nice guy, right? Can’t be that bad if Ethan wants him to move in.”

I kicked the wall. “Does Ethan want more than that?”

“More than what?”

“More with Jax. You know what I mean.” I sniffed and wiped a runaway tear from my cheek. “Does Ethan, you know, want him?”

“Tabby?” She put her kind, soft hand on my shoulder. “Why would you care about something like that? Is Jax a bad guy?”

“No. Dammit, he’s amazing.” I buried my face.

Her firm tone was new to me. “Okay, I know you’re not sneakin’ around on Rob. What the hell is going on here?”

I took a few deep breaths and whispered, “I knew him.”

“Knew...who?”

“Jax. I knew him in high school.”

She cleared her throat. “Knew him, as in, had a class together and he doesn’t remember you, or knew him, as in, he was a homophobe, and you don’t want him near you?”

“Neither. Knew him, as in, he took me to prom.” I leaned against the wall and openly cried. “Knew him, as in, he took my virginity. Knew him, as in, I broke his heart. Knew him—”

“Oh, my God. Tabby, are you serious?” Panic and surprise laced her voice.

I met her gaze again, this time through a film of tears. “He was my first love. I don’t think I ever fell out of love with him.” My hands shook and squeezed fists of nothingness. “What the fuck, right?”

Her mouth gaped. For an uncomfortable minute, her internal wheels spun on high gear. “You knew him before—”

“Yup.”

“And now he doesn’t—”

“Nope.” I turned to look in the mirror and splashed my face in the running water. “So much for Rob thinking I’m not doing enough to transition. Add hormones and voila , I’m a new man. Even my high school sweetheart doesn’t know me.”

She looked at me in the mirror the same way Mom did when I gave her my new name. “I think that’s the real issue here. Rob still tells you you’re not doing enough?”

I shook my head. “What can I even say?”

“You tell him you’re happy with who you are, and if he’s not happy with who he is, that’s his problem.” She twisted my body to put both hands on my face. “You are a gorgeous man, Tabby. And I wouldn’t lie.”

I chuckled and wiped my eyes. “Thanks.”

“You have to tell Jax the truth. Don’t wait.”

“And break his heart again ? I’m not single. The Jax I knew wanted a future with me. I can’t offer him that, so what’s the point?” Fresh sadness crept up underneath all my frustration. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Just begin with you . He likes you. I can see it on his face.” Annie shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe he already suspects something and doesn’t know how to ask, ya know?”

“Well, that would be a dream, wouldn’t it? Some cheesy chick flick. Meet years later when one has amnesia and fall in love all over again.” I smiled at the thought and nodded to myself. “ That would be classic Jax. He’s a hopeless romantic. He used to be, anyway.”

“Ick.” Annie snickered and stuck her tongue out at me, then brushed back her long brown hair over the shoulders of her omnipresent black hoodie.

“I love Rob,” I said, more to myself than to her. Am I trying to convince myself of something? The past week threw me into a veritable whirlwind of confusion. If the man I loved couldn’t be depended on, what kind of future did we have ahead? And on the other hand, if I loved Jax but became someone else, did that make our promise null and void?

“I know you do.” She never thought Rob was good for me, but dammit if she wasn’t supportive of what I wanted. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up and finish the game. Oh, and little Cyan out there will throw a fit if you get his name wrong again.”

“Can I call him Turquoise instead?”

We laughed, and Annie recovered all the bits that would turn me into a reasonable human, capable of interaction that wasn’t topped with rage. While I had Mom and always would, my little found family with Annie at the head was all I’d ever need to get me through.