8. Break Down Tabby

J ax took residency in my brain where he wasn’t welcome. It was a week, but it felt like an eternity. Left to my own devices at night, my fantasies often took over and I ended up repenting quietly any time he crossed my mind. The showers still left me feeling sticky and I was sour for lying to people I loved. Whatever punishment the universe was planning for me, I deserved it.

Rob brought over a few things to start moving in, but it wasn’t official yet. We still had two days until move-in. He didn’t feel comfortable taking furniture from his place until the last day and said he wanted to do it in one big load with the movers. Couldn’t argue with him; if I pushed him to move in faster, he would’ve backed out and said I was nagging too much.

My list of prior relationships was short, to say the least. I never cheated on anyone and never had the desire to. But this one-sided, private unfaithfulness tainted me. I was horse shit mixed with spit and vomit, topped with a picture of my old self—dolled up with blonde curls and fake plastic glasses—covered in the uncomfortable film of fakeness that was my femininity. A hole in the middle, black as a matte and soul-sucking void of deep space, symbolically cut its way through the pile of refuse that was my existence. If Jax ever saw my real left eye, he’d know me for sure. After all, it still had the key to his heart.

I used to look forward to Thursday game nights. Today, I dreaded it. If Ethan really did have a crush on Jax, nothing could be said against it. How could I disapprove of wonderful Jax without oozing my own jealousy everywhere? And he was bi, too. Unreal. The mere possibility of seeing Ethan’s shy smile against Jax’s neck ran through my thoughts all day, because surely, he’d pull Jax into his chest and kiss up to his ear. They’d stare into one another, and Ethan would tickle Jax’s cheeks with his rough beard on purpose.

After all, that’s what I wanted to do. Charm the charmer.

I am so incredibly, undeniably, irreversibly fucked right now.

I flogged myself internally with curses and slapped my thighs hard to get back to reality. Rob’s tangible commitment would have to conquer the lingering teenage hope that was Jax.

The day’s patients at the eye center were more complex than normal, and I welcomed the distraction. I spent lunch scrolling through Insta blankly but couldn’t resist going back through my notifications to find Jax’s profile.

Since he’d followed me, the pictures of his former girlfriend were gone. So, you’ve purged her. Glad to see you’re ready to let go of someone who hurt you. I ignored the fact that I was indirectly breaking my long-lost promise to him by being silent.

At quarter ‘til five, the rest of the staff checked out for the day, leaving me alone with my growing dread for game night at six. My office phone rang while I debated going home early. I tapped my Bluetooth headset while scrolling through my unfinished charts.

“This is Dr. Ross.”

Rob’s voice was distant and scratchy on the phone, like he had almost no connection. “Hey, you’re going to Ethan’s after work, right?”

“That was the plan, but I’m thinking I might not go. Getting a migraine.” My fingers were crossed that the lie wouldn’t make one manifest.

“Aw, you should, though. You’ve been on edge all week, and I want you to get out. Time alone makes you sad.”

I smirked. “I love that you know that about me.”

“Yeah, well, I kinda love you a little.” He chuckled. “Since I need to work late today, I don’t know if I’ll make it. Probably won’t even get to leave until seven.”

“That sucks. I’m sorry you have to stay late.”

“I’ll be alright.”

“I promise I’ll only have half as much fun without you. I’ll tell you if Hawk has another name change this week.”

His warm laughter soothed my rough edges. “You better. Love you, babe.”

“Love you, too. Drive safe.”

Once closer to game time, I hummed to myself and packed up my desk for the day, locking the office deadbolts before walking to my car. Once it came into view, I froze.

The passenger side door was ajar. Fuck.

While not the first time something like this happened, it was always frightening, nevertheless. I gingerly approached my silver Toyota, considering how I must’ve left it unlocked by mistake. My windows looked intact, at least. My coworkers had all left and I didn’t know anyone who owned the other cars, so it had to have happened recently. The small lot between my office and the creepy alleyway discouraged random tourists from using the space over one of the parking structures under Union Square.

Once I was sure no one snuck inside the vehicle and accounted for everything tossed around from my torn-apart center console, save for a few bucks I kept around for random shit, I slammed the open door and sat inside to get things started.

Don’t be dead. Don’t be dead. My battery wasn’t in the best shape, and Rob worried something like this would happen soon, especially since I was prone to accidentally leaving the lights on all night. He was certain one day the battery would be completely shot and not even a jump would revive it. To my chagrin, I twisted the key to a discouraging ticking noise, as if tiny creatures under the hood tapped away at two sticks to try and fire the engine.

“Come on... come on... it hasn’t been that long,” I growled, pausing for a moment before trying again. “Please start for me.” Yet pleading meant nothing to the machine.

I stared at my phone. This is a sign not to go to game night. Can’t call Rob, he’s working late and can’t come get me. I’d get a tow, but what if all I need is a jump? Who’s around here? With all my coworkers gone for the day and the sunlight quickly fading, reaching out to my nearest buddy was the safest option.

I rarely called the game store itself, but Ethan wasn’t the type to pull out his cell phone during business hours without cause. The ringing on the other end couldn’t drown out my anxious heart. Pick up, dude...

“Dragon’s Lair,” he said quickly, which somehow brought me back to Earth.

“Ethan, hey. It’s Tabby. You wouldn’t happen to have twenty minutes to come give me a jump at work, would you?”

“Seriously?” He let out a long sigh. “I can’t just leave the store. I haven’t had help since Carlos moved out.”

“Damn. Okay, well, thanks anyway, I guess.”

“Wait, are you stranded at work? Can you call an Uber?”

“It’s not the ride thing; it’s more diagnostic. My car might not be shot, and if it needs a tow or a new battery, I’d rather know that now than wait until tomorrow. But I’ll call triple-A, don’t worry about it.”

“No, hold on. Gimme a sec.”

This is stupid. I shouldn’t have bugged him at work. While I waited, too embarrassed to hang up, I put the phone in my drink holder and tried the key again. Tick, tick, tick. Nothing.

“Tabby, you there?”

“Yup.”

“You park in that lot behind your office, right? Near Union Square?”

“Uh-huh. Same place you picked me up that one time.”

“Awesome. Just texted some...”—the phone cut out for a few seconds, which made me curse again in frustration—“...give you a jump. He’ll be there in ten.”

“Wow, thank you.” Weight lifted off my shoulders and I put my hands together in a thankful prayer to whoever was watching, even to Ethan for coming through.

“Your knight in shining armor’s on his way. He’s driving a little black Mazda. Says he’s got cables, too, if you need them.”

“As long as the guy who broke in earlier didn’t take mine, it’s all good. But that’s great anyway.”

“If your car needs a tow, he can bring you here after, so you get a break from thinking about it. Sound good?”

“I guess. I mean...” He’d take me to game night? “My phone cut out a minute ago. Who is this guy again?”

“You met him last week. Jax works around the corner from you. Look, I have to go, people waiting.”

My heart gasped, painfully pausing in my chest. “Jax? What? Ethan, wait—”

“See you later, Tabby.” Click.

I slammed my hands against the steering wheel and yelled, “Fuck,” loud enough to scare the pigeons on the rail in front of me. Jax is on his way. Too late to reverse my call for help.

The internal hole of my self-image swallowed me, and I laid the seat back to sink down in my car, with vain hopes that Jax would arrive, not find me, and drive away. Ten minutes never lasted so long. I didn’t scroll through my Insta or watch videos; the silence was self-inflicted punishment for the past week of runaway fantasies. As far as I was concerned, I was unworthy of everyone around me, and Jax’s willingness to rescue a stranger amplified my guilt.

While I wallowed, a quiet tap on my driver’s-side window startled me.

“Hey there,” Jax said, waving with some cables in his hand. “Need some help?”

“Yup.” I righted my seat and popped the trunk lever, avoiding his gaze at all costs.

He went to the front and opened everything, not even waiting for me. “Won’t start?”

“Mm-hmm.” I glanced inside his car—pristine, not so much as a coin visible in the cupholders. Smart, especially for someone new to the city. It was why, after so many years, I knew to only keep a couple bucks in mine and not have a detachable stereo. “I was a dumbass and left the door unlocked after lunch, and somebody went through looking for stuff. Left it open, which killed my battery, I think.”

“Eh, shit happens, not your fault. Let’s give it a try.” He connected the cables effortlessly to my car and his. Even his engine was clean and dust-free.

“New car, huh?” I asked, admiring the leather interior.

“New to me, anyway. I miss my Subi, but you can’t do a manual on these hills.” He started his car and stayed inside, letting it run for what felt like an eternity before rolling down his passenger window. “Alright, Tabby, go for it.”

Thank God, this will be over fast. I turned the key and my stomach dropped. Tick, tick, tick.

“Anything?” he asked.

“No. Dammit, the whole thing is fried.”

Jax got out and rolled his hand for me to try again while he listened to the engine.

Tick, tick, tick.

He hissed. “Yeah, I don’t think it’s your battery. Might be your alternator or your starter. Probably would’ve happened even if your door wasn’t open, man.”

I groaned and put my forehead to my steering wheel. Seriously? Is my self-hatred not punishment enough? The universe had to take my car down with me?

“Have a place to tow it?”

“Yeah.” I stepped out and slammed the door.

“Don’t fret. I’ll hang out with you ‘til the truck arrives.”

“Thanks.” Grumbling the whole time, I called AAA like I should’ve in the first place.

––––––––

J ax mercifully let me brew on my own while we waited. To pass the time, he sat in his car and talked on the phone with a smile on his face. I sat in mine and played a knockoff version of Super Mario. It was better than awkward silence between us, at least.

The tow truck came and went, and Jax rubbed his hands together when my car was out of sight. “Alright, you ready to head over to Ethan’s?”

“Yeah.” I ran my hand through my hair and resisted the urge to pull it all out. “I appreciate the ride. And the rescue. All of it.”

“Not a problem, man. Sorry I couldn’t fix it.” He touched my shoulder. “You gonna be okay?”

“I just feel like an idiot. Let’s go.” My lie was so good, I almost believed it. Sure, I’m okay. Not a single thing wrong with me. Nuh-uh.

Jax whistled to himself as we cut through the thick evening traffic. He wasn’t fazed by surprise pedestrians or the construction that closed off every other street. If he was annoyed, he didn’t show it. The man was even more of a saint than I remembered.

Dammit.

We were stopped at the same light for two cycles because the traffic ahead wouldn’t move, and it cracked his facade a little. “You know, I always thought Californians drove like shit because they didn’t know what they were doing. Now I think they escape to my state, so they don’t have to deal with this shit anymore.”

“I think you’ve got it, Jax,” I said with a chuckle.

“I hate the cars that stop in the middle of the street the most. Like, ‘Oops, here I am, making a delivery in the middle of the day, and there’s nowhere to park. I’ll just throw on my blinkers and hope you can get around me.’ I don’t like driving in the left lane, but you almost have to in this city.”

We turned to each other at the same moment and smiled, breaking the invisible wall between us. Traffic moved again.

“Besides the shitty commute, how are you liking it?” I asked.

“Eh.” He signaled so-so with his wrist side to side. “There are some nice things about it, but I miss home. The food here sucks. It’s too crunchy.”

I scoffed. “The food? You come from Denver, and you’re complaining about the food? And what do you mean, too crunchy ?”

“Crunchy’s a word that means, like, modern hippie. It feels pretentious and unfamiliar. Everything’s organic and super healthy, which generally means it doesn’t actually taste good. I’m a dude, not a horse. Don’t even get me started on how Californians are afraid of spice. Nobody’s even heard of green chili here, and all the Mexican food is entirely different, too. I might be attached to my dad’s favorite restaurant, but I figured I would be able to find something comparable.” Jax eyed me from the side of his face. “People give Casa Bonita a lot of shit, but if you’ve never had a sopapilla drenched in honey, you haven’t lived.”

It never occurred to me how much food changed across the country when I moved around with Mom as a teen, but Jax talked about these simple comforts as if he lost an old friend. Maybe he did; after all, isn’t that the most basic necessity when we’re on our own? Finding anything that makes us feel at home?

“Scrubs, huh?” he asked, waving over my solid blues. “What do you do?”

“I’m an optometrist.” Saying it made me smile, like it always did. “I love what I do.”

“So does that mean you’re a doctor?” Jax lit up. “That’s really cool.”

“Yes, and thanks. I hate the scrubs, though; I would rather wear one of my tacky shirts, but it’s easier to pass this way. Blessing in disguise for a trans guy, I guess.”

He laughed. “I get it. But the book shirt was certainly a winner last week.”

You remember what I wore last week? I tried not to let the thought consume me, but I was flattered, if not a little fluttery. “I appreciate that. Rob’s not so much of a fan.”

Jax nodded and said nothing.

You don’t like him. After last week, can’t say I blame you.

“So, you know all about eyes, right? Weird diseases and stuff?”

“Mm-hmm. Everybody has two of them, you know.” I thought my joke was pretty clever, and I let it calm my nerves as we reached our destination.

We passed the game shop on our way to the parking structure at the end of the street, and Jax rolled down his window to grab a ticket. He was quiet through the process of finding a good space but cleared his throat before turning the car off. “You know, I had an old friend with a weird eye thing. Maybe I could talk to you about it sometime.”

I squinted. “Okay...?”

“A thing that makes the pupil look bigger than it should, like it’s broken or has an extra piece. Coloboma, I think.”

Shit. “What about it?”

“Oh, just wondering how rare that kinda thing is. I’ve never met anybody else who had one...not like she did, anyway.”

My ears rang. So, you do think about me.

When I didn’t answer, Jax pressed his lips in a line. “I’m sure Rob’s waiting for you, right?”

The car suffocated me. The walls closed in. “Right.” I jumped out and straightened my clothes, then texted Rob as we walked to the shop to alleviate some of my internal grief.

My car died.

I know you’re tired, but

please come tonight.

I need you.