33. Unraveled Jax

T he whole way back to my place with Ethan, I screamed at the top of my lungs, “How could you?”

If it had been Denver, I would’ve taken the loop north and back again, like I did the night I caught Heather with Chris. With no straight highway, I got stuck in traffic and raged through the lights, barely careful enough not to be pulled over.

“You lying son of a bitch. Jesus, I can’t believe it was you the whole time .” I nearly ran into a pedestrian stepping into an underlit crosswalk and slammed on my brakes. It restarted the jump of my heart and I cried. You’re alive, you’re alive, and I still fucking love you. I love you. I folded over the steering wheel, spilling the agony from my lips and my eyes in equal measure. “You lied to me. Lied. Why? Hwa, how could you do this to me?”

The car behind me honked when the crosswalk was clear. I couldn’t remember the rest of the drive and prayed I hadn’t run any red lights in my grief.

One step. Then another. Don’t trip. I stumbled my way from the parking garage to the shop and pulled myself up the metal staircase on the side to our front door. Every small sound was a clash in my mind until I could collapse inside.

Somehow the apartment was like stepping into another world. Ethan was watching a movie on the couch with Megan, and they turned the volume down when I came in.

“Hey, man. How was the show?” Ethan asked.

I sniffed and walked through the kitchen toward my room without saying anything. My heavy dress shoes squeaked beneath me, announcing every step.

Numb and lonely, I took off Dad’s heavy wool coat and put it on the bed, glared at the scarf peeking out from the front pocket, then went for the rest of my loose tie. I moved so slowly, it didn’t feel real. The whole night was a blip in time I wanted to wake from.

“Jax, you okay?” Ethan knocked on the door jamb since it wasn’t closed. “What the hell happened?”

I shrugged and unbuttoned my shirt.

“Seriously, dude. You were so excited earlier. Was it not really a date?”

“No, it was a date.” I sighed and looked at the ceiling as I folded my arms. “I can’t believe—” The tears came again, and I clenched my jaw.

“What?” Ethan put his hand on my shoulder. “Talk to me.”

“He spent six months lyin’ to me, man.”

“About what?” He shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

I wiped my eyes in an effort not to completely embarrass myself. “Did you have a high school sweetheart, Ethan? Somebody who got away?”

He blinked a few times. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

“Yeah? So did I.” My lip quivered as I spoke. Saying it out loud helped me process everything. “I swore that I’d always love them, that nothing would change how I felt. I pined, and I searched, and I planned, trying to capture the same feeling I used to have, but they disappeared. So, I tried to move on. I thought I found somebody new I could love. Somebody who understood me the same way. Tabby had all the signs, and I still didn’t see it. He lived here. His dad died. He—”

Ethan held his hands up. “Yo, you’re talking in circles. What does this have to do with Tabby?”

“He is Tabby,” I screamed. “Goddammit, he’s the one. He just looked so fuckin’ different I couldn’t figure it out. Tabby knew and he lied to me!”

Megan came around the corner in her curiosity, while Ethan grimaced at my yelling.

“Do you get it, now?”

“So, Tabby was what, your old boyfriend?” he asked.

“Close. Try the other one.” I shook my head and wiped my eyes again, out of words and still in shock.

“Oh, damn,” Ethan whispered.

Megan chimed in with a cautious, “What’s going on?”

Graciously, he figured it out and saved me the pain of more explanation. “I think Jax knew Tabby before he transitioned.”

My phone buzzed in my pocket. Now with space between us, my heart was a mud pit of anger, sadness, and abject joy. I found him. I did, right? Is it still too late?

Not wanting to blow whatever chance still existed, I couldn’t ignore it. Without looking, I answered, “Hwa, can I come back?”

A sobbing voice answered. It wasn’t Tabby. “Jaxson, it’s Mom.”

“What? Mom?” I forgot Ethan and Megan still stared at me while I looked at the clock. “It’s past midnight there, isn’t it? What’s—”

“Your father’s in the hospital. He had a heart attack tonight.” She sniffled on the other end. “Brian and I are here at Porter. Honey, I don’t know if he’ll make it.”

My world ended. My heart stopped. Any pain from dealing with Tabby screeched to a halt and floated away. The only thing that mattered was Dad.

“Porter? Porter Hospital?” I grabbed the coat again and ran for the front door. “You tell them to keep Dad alive as long as you have to, alright? I’m coming to Porter. I’m headin’ to the airport right now.”

“Jax, what happened?” Ethan called behind me.

“I’m goin’ home,” I yelled, and ran five blocks north to hail a cab downtown.