32. Confess Tabby

W hen we pulled up outside my apartment, Jax engaged the emergency brake and tapped on the steering wheel for a moment. He stared straight ahead. “Are you sure you want me to come in?”

“More than anything.” I directed his face toward mine with a single index finger. “I have something to show you.”

“Do you...” He absently licked his lips and his voice dropped. “Do you have somewhere to be tomorrow?”

“Huh-uh.”

“Me either.”

“Good. Follow me.” I hopped from the car and didn’t wait for him while I approached the door. Our mutual excitement bubbled over.

God, I want him so bad. I just want him to take me. I unlocked the door with fidgeting hands. Maybe just once...just once? Before telling him?

Jax pressed his body against mine from behind and breathed over my neck. “Please say it’s time.”

“Almost.” A forgiving click of the lock and we were in. I tossed my keys on the small table and we both kicked off our shoes. The lights were bright, but I needed them to keep me centered on the plan. No, I can’t touch him yet. All lies out first.

He hung his coat neatly on the hook outside the closet and draped the scarf, too. Beneath, dressed in black, he was another dream. Bold and incredibly sexy. I already knew what he could offer me.

“This is my humble abode,” I said, turning in a small circle with my arms out. “Take a seat. I need to do something real quick.”

He took ginger steps toward the dining table and curved right to the couch without saying a word. Jax belonged there, like a piece of decor I’d picked out of a magazine. A perfect fit.

I smiled and ducked into the bathroom, closing the door and staring at myself in the mirror. My inner monologue was accompanied by an incessant, screaming ring in my ears from stress that never shifted.

What the hell are you going to do now? Give him an old picture? Tell him about Mom? I shook my head and splashed my face with cold water. Think, dammit.

Something got in my eye that made everything sting. The answer became clear: the contacts. No more. I removed them and loosened my tie, unbuttoning my white shirt to the second one down, exposing my chest hair and the top of my black binder. Assuming all went well and Jax could accept me, I didn’t want my intentions to be lost one bit.

Besides my hidden coloboma, another old relic glared at me from the top drawer: his ring, the one I’d kept hidden since he moved to the city. It still fit, thankfully unaffected by my emotional eating after Rob and I broke up.

I let out a harsh breath and shook. It’s okay. It’s time. It’s Jax. It’s just Jax. He loves you. He loves Tabby. It’s alright. Just say it.

When I returned to the living room, Jax presented the space as if it were his own. He’d placed our cheesecakes in their to-go boxes on the coffee table, along with our given plastic forks.

“Thought maybe you’d want dessert first.” He bounced his brows effortlessly.

I flashed a quick smile, but my nerves were impossible, and I couldn’t so much as snicker.

Jax scooted to the side, making room for me in the tight corner. “Come ‘ere.”

Approaching him, my heart thumped so hard I thought I’d pass out. Everything was hazy. Panic attack or brown out, who could say? Once my ass hit the seat, I wasn’t going anywhere.

He loosened his own tie. “What did you wanna show me? Take all the time you need.”

“Well, I—” I choked. What the fuck do I do now?

“Since you’re a bit stuck, can I say something?” His scent filled my nostrils—so familiar, like home—enough to make me surrender to his every whim. It was citrus. Bright. Orange or lemon, maybe, with a light wash of lavender. It made me sleepy.

Jax thumbed my cheek and sighed. “Tabby, I didn’t know I could feel like this again.”

“Again?” I arched my brows. Don’t play dumb, you moron. It was too late to take back.

“Mm-hmm. I’d given up on it.” He took my right hand, which thankfully was sans-ring, because I wasn’t ready for him to find out that way. “Tonight, you’ve proven all the more how great this could be. You’re not just one of my people. You’re my person, singular. A better fit than I could ever manufacture if I had all the tools and time in the world. It’s no wonder my first love brought me to you.”

“Jax, about that—”

“I know I talk about her a lot, and I’m sorry. After tonight, I swear I won’t mention her again.” While softening his expression, a distinct flush of pink appeared on his cheeks. True blush. “She’s a guardian angel, this whole time begging me to open my eyes and really look at the kind of man you are.”

“And...and what kind of man am I?” I sucked in a breath.

Delight pulled his sweet lips into a tender smile. “You’re the perfect man, Tabby. Kind, sweet, driven. You’ve made something of yourself. You impress me. You—” Jax squinted.

Oh, no.

He stopped looking into my eyes and looked at them instead. “Is that...” He went from touching my face gently to holding me still in the light with both hands. “Is that a coloboma?”

I went mute. Words couldn’t squeak by the fear. It’s all over.

Jax grimaced. “Okay, maybe I should’ve eased up on mentioning her, but I hafta say—putting in a contact that looks like this isn’t funny or cute to me, Tabby.”

If I’d been any more of a coward, I would’ve taken the out and kept the secret all my life. But I couldn’t hide Mom. Couldn’t hide my ring. Couldn’t hide the fact that one kiss might give me away. “It’s...it’s not. I just took my contacts out. This is me.”

“Wait, so you have one, too?” His gaze still harshly focused on it. “Why didn’t you say something? That’s weird, right? Another coincidence?”

I clutched his wrists. My breath shuddered. “Not a coincidence, Jaxson.”

Little by little, his eyes shined. “But...Tabby?” he whispered.

Please, God, let him forgive me. “I tried to tell you.”

Jax’s breath quickened. His grip on my face tightened so I couldn’t escape as he stared ever harder. “T-tried to tell me what?”

“The last time Rob surprised me, I knew it was you helping him. He couldn’t even say it right. Thank you for trying to give me a gift through his lips, but only one person is allowed to say that to me.”

He slowed, but his tone faltered. “Say what?”

I gulped. “You know exactly what.”

His eyes shot wide open. He panted with loud, harsh exhales—a metronome of doom to me. Pain fueled his last question, lacing an obvious hope to be wrong. “Hwa?”

My lower lip quivered, and a tear dropped over my cheek. “Hwa-Wah. I need you like water, too.”

“Oh, my God,” he yelled, backing away and pulling his hands into himself.

“Jax, please, let me explain—”

“Explain? I thought you were dead and now you wanna explain ?”

Mayday. Mayday. The world crumbled around me. Turning back time wasn’t an option, and I wasn’t dreaming. My worst nightmare realized—Jax found out and greeted me with anger.

“Please tell me it’s not true. This is a joke. Please , Tabby.”

“I’m sorry.” It was beyond too little, too late. The words all felt empty. “Wah, forgive me. I tried to tell you, but you didn’t hear me. Then I was too scared to say it again.”

“Are you fucking kidding me with this?” He shot up from the couch. “When did you try to tell me?”

“The night we stayed up talking in your car. I called you Wah. ” I chased him and stood, too. “If you’d just listen for a second—”

He clutched his temples. “This isn’t happening.”

“I don’t want to lose you again. I’m so happy you’re here. We’re meant to be, like you said. Now we can be.”

Jax frantically took my shoulders and looked me over, searching for something. He didn’t hold back. His hands swam over my body and bitter tears stained his eyes red. He shook, as did his breath, taking handfuls of my clothes. Jax’s panic took a turn toward acceptance, and for a moment, I had hope he would come out of the shock and my lies wouldn’t matter.

“It’s you? It’s really you?” Jax sniffed while kissing my hands, then pushed up my shirt to peck at my forearms. “Oh, God.” Sliding his palms up to my face again, he grimaced in a half-smile, half-frown sort of way. “Tabby Ross. I would never have guessed that name. Where’d it come from?”

“Dad’s nickname and Mom’s maiden. A clean slate on all counts.”

He coughed out a sob. “Hwa, I’ve missed you so much. Rehearsed this moment a hundred times, and I’m still not ready. Where were you?”

“I was here.” I touched him in return, kneading his shoulders and directing him to sit again. “I was here, and I missed you too, Wah. It’s time. Come on. Come here.” Pulling on his collar, I aimed for his lips.

Jax startled and leaned away, keeping me at a distance. “How can you say that when you forgot about me?”

“What?” I shook my head and fear rose from my stomach, making the back of my throat sour with reality. “Jax, I couldn’t forget about you.”

“You did. You forgot about me. You moved out here and even though you said you’d keep in touch—you swore you wouldn’t disappear—that’s exactly what you did.” He stood once more and glared at me. “I’ve spent all this time searching for you, and you didn’t try to find me once ?”

“And say what?” With my thumb and pinky outstretched, I mimed a phone at my ear. “Hey, Jax, it’s been a long time. I miss you. I still love you. Oh, yeah, and by the way, I’m a dude now. Hope that’s okay.” I tossed the imaginary device and held my arms up. “Don’t be so naive. You’re smarter than that.”

“Am I? Am I really smarter than that? Don’t know why you’re giving me the credit now when you obviously had so little faith in me.” He wiped his face and raked through his hair, which I’d planned to do in a sensual sweep. Now, he nearly tore at his scalp. “You should’ve known I meant every word when we were younger. I said nothing could change how I felt, and I was right, wasn’t I? I made a promise to you, but it didn’t mean shit on your end, did it?”

“Don’t paint me like that,” I yelled. “I was scared. Fuck that—I was terrified. You had the luxury of thinking nothing could ever change because you didn’t have a goddamned clue what I was going through.”

“That excuse only works ‘til I met you out here, Tabby .” The way he said it was almost like a curse, as if my name alone was a lie. “Maybe not on day one. Maybe not on day two. But when I picked you up? When you laughed with me? When I told you I felt like I knew you how many dozens of times?” He scoffed. “No. You can’t just whine and say you were scared. This,” Jax said, pointing back and forth between us, “was too big to ignore, and you led me on to think you were a stranger from the cosmos of destiny, or some shit.”

“Aren’t I?” I pounded my chest with one hand. “Isn’t it just as fucked up and strange that of all the cities, of all the clubs, of all the nights to look for D&D, you found my group?”

“Yeah, it would be magical and make for a decent story, if it wasn’t for the fact that you let six months go by before telling me the truth. Why should I believe that you thought of me all that time in between, when you could just as easily have put me on some mental back burner. How can you prove this isn’t just another lie?” He yelled to the ceiling, “Goddammit, I’m so sick of people lyin’ to me.”

“Here. You want proof? I’ve got it.” I held out my left hand. “Look at this. It’s my lucky D&D ring. You know, the one everybody thought I lost?”

“Oh, you conveniently found that while I was here, too?”

I bristled at the accusation and growled. “No. I always knew where it was, but I couldn’t show you. Look.”

He stayed where he was and pressed his lips together, then crossed his arms in an equally stiff way. Jax glanced at the ring, did a double take, and stepped forward to pull on my hand so he could really look.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the other hand. “See? I couldn’t forget you. I thought about you all the time. Had it on the night we met, and I stuffed it in my pocket so you wouldn’t find out by accident.”

He rubbed over it with his thumb. “Is this what I think it is?”

“Yes.” I hiccupped, out of my control. “You’ve been with me all the time.”

“Some promise.” He shook his head and released me. “You didn’t say a damn thing.”

“I’m telling you now. Jax, please—”

“You should’ve done better. If I didn’t hear you, you should’ve said it again. Texted me, sent an old picture, something. Did you like watching me make an ass of myself going lovesick? Everyone knows I’ve been crazy about you, but you didn’t care until Rob was gone.”

“That’s not true.” I followed Jax as he went toward the kitchen to get away from me. “I’ve been a total mess since you showed up—over you, over Rob, over freakin’ Annie , who knew something was wrong that night my car broke down and didn’t stop nagging until I told her the truth. She’s been begging me to say something ever since, and even called me out on my birthday over this shit. Can’t you understand this has been killing me?”

“I swear to God, what the fuck is it with people who do shit they know will hurt me, but because they felt bad about it the whole time, that’s supposed to make it better?” He turned around and gave me a dose of his usual self, which only drove the knife in further: “If I find somebody looking to buy fertilizer, I’ll be sure to hook them up with you and Heather for your great supply of bullshit.”

“Don’t joke about this right now, Jax, please . I didn’t know it would go on this long. The love of my life returned, and I wasn’t single. I couldn’t risk giving up what I had for the chance that you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

“But I would, and I did. Christ, I almost kissed you that night in the car, and you knew it. You knew it, didn’t you?” His rage was an entirely different flavor compared to Rob’s—I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me at all. Instead, every word was another step toward self-destruction. Jax didn’t want to yell at me, but it was all he could do to keep from breaking down.

I lunged to hold him still. “Stop this spiral and look at me.”

“You were supposed to be different, Tabby. I trusted you.” Jax broke down and pushed past me for his coat.

“Wait, where the hell are you going?” I blocked the door.

“Anywhere but here.” He paused with his back to me and held the scarf, laying it flat between his hands before clenching it in tight fists.

“Wah, please,” I begged, reaching for his shoulder.

Jax muttered, so calm and low, it frightened me. “I used to love this. Used to hold it and think about you. Imagined that, one day, you’d see me and think, ‘There he is. He found me.’”

“I did,” I whispered, barely getting over the pounding of my chest.

“No, you told me I couldn’t kiss you yet, as if I hadn’t kissed you a thousand times.” He sniffed, turned around, and pulled the scarf tight, nearly taking it apart. “You took me to the Nutcracker and had the balls to ask me if I made this myself!”

Whether it was foolishness or desperation, I didn’t care. I shoved Jax backward against the closet door with full intent to kiss him. My last shred of good sense kept me from doing the deed. “Stop. I love you. I love you, Jaxson Dale Grady. I always have. This...this is our chance to have everything. Our shot at happily ever after. Isn’t this what you said you wanted?”

He bared his teeth and said, “Not anymore. Move.”

My world was unraveling. I couldn’t change what I’d already done. The plan for Jax to get to know Tabby failed because of one thing: I’d been Tabby all my life, and Jax knew it better than anyone.

“I can’t let you leave like this,” I said.

“And I can’t believe I’m leaving, but watch.” Jax jerked his shoulder to get away and swung open my front door so hard, it left a mark on the wall inside.

Before he was completely out of sight, I gave it one last shot. “Jax!”

He halted but didn’t turn around.

“Tomorrow you’ll wake up and remember you love me.”

His head dropped while squeezing the bridge of his nose. Sobbing on opposite ends of the hall, we revisited that same cold night in December years earlier.

Come on. Come back.

Jax didn’t answer. He left me to stew in the mistake that I’d been brewing for six months. Our perfect night, our second chance, was over.

Wah was gone.