22. Twenty-Two

Imagine this: my tongue was actively trying to reach Vastian’s tonsils because I needed to forget all that when I realized he”d said love.

Not once, but twice.

Sure, he didn’t confess anything, but that was close enough for me.

My erection died instantly, and I ripped my face back like he’d electrocuted it.

I had an imaginary line when it came to relations. On one side, there was me. On the other side was the forbidden shit. As soon as someone stuck their slimy hand over it and tried to yank me across, I bailed.

I did it to Alora, Brianne, Mort, Randal… Derek… You get the fucking point here.

The list was embarrassingly long, but it’s how I’ve managed not to go insane this whole time—at least not fully, I suppose. If I fooled around with someone long enough, they all started reaching. The worst part about Vastian was that a tiny, microscopic fraction of my brain kind of wanted that. So I reached into it, that very moment, and strangled the life out of the idea.

“What’s wrong?” he asked with a subtle frown.

Peeling myself from him took real effort because my arms didn’t want to let go of his neck. “I’m hungry.” I mean—I was. Now, all I was hungry for was him.

“Do you have anything to prepare at the apartment?” We were standing now, and fuck me sideways. He looked so good standing in all that color.

The long strands of gold still shimmered in the moonlight, begging to be fisted, and that perfect face swirled with concern. His unnatural eyes could scare the shit out of me and also make me feel so safe. Ha! Safe. Who am I kidding? I was always safe—perks of immortality. I might have growled, and he arched a brow at me.

“No. I don’t. But we have some funds and a sweet little spot with the best fish.” I started walking. Rubbing the back of my neck wasn’t helping, nor was cracking it or rolling my shoulders. It was like a ball of static bounced around inside.

“What of Alora? She was eager to leave earlier.” Vastian’s voice hinted at suspicion, but he was always suspicious.

“I’m sure she can fend for herself?”

“So she will not be returning?” He sounded a little too excited about that.

Shoving my fists in my pockets so he didn’t see them, my eye started twitching, and my jaw wound tight. It was possible that she wouldn’t come back tonight. I felt sick. “Atreyis?” he said while grabbing my arm gently.

Sweat trickled down my neck. “She might,” I exclaimed, pulling away slightly.

Fuck!

This was not good. Not good at all. How was I supposed to keep my hands to myself when we were alone? Hell, I almost did it there. Why did he have to say it? Even if it was just a pet name. Even if he had no sort of feelings like that. After Lucios… I couldn’t love someone again. Not in that way. I cared about Alora for sure. If I was being honest, I guess Ariel and Chris were on the list too. Fucking shifters. But this? Him?

“Your heart is racing. You are acting bloody distant. I can smell your sweat. What is wrong?” He did his freaky speed thing and blocked the dirt path down the hill.

From that angle, I was taller than him. “Nothing,” I squeaked.

“Atreyis, do not lie to me.” His brows furrowed, and he held my eyes.

“And why not? I can lie to whomever I want! Whenever I want!” This was not going well.

Trying to move past him, he grabbed my waist, yanking me close. I tried to wiggle free, but he wouldn’t budge. “You want to touch me, but do not trust me. You do not tell me what you want but are angry when I don”t do it. You kiss me like I will vanish but then try to run away. What do you want?”

Swallowing thickly, I whispered, “I don’t know.”

“Finally, some bloody truth.” Then he released me like I was a sack of potatoes.

I waited for him to say something else, but he glared at me. My fingers fidgeted with the hem of my shirt, and I started chewing on my lip. A few more moments passed, and then he turned and started walking.

“I’m leaving,” he said under his breath.

Now, explain something to me. I’d had a full-blown panic attack over all this—over everything, really. But when he said those two words, every organ inside my body dropped like I’d jumped off the highest tower and landed flat on jagged rocks. My hands jerked outward and grabbed his back. Then I buried my face in his hair.

I only wanted to dump him off with Mr. Darcy when I first met him. He was just a pretty man who didn’t like anything I said. All he wanted to do was murder me, which, to be fair, so did I. Yet while I clung to him like a fucking infant, I couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving. He wasn’t a very good Vampyr, if I was being honest. He was always getting into trouble. People were after him, for fucksake.

Cool fingers stroked my arms, and he sucked in a deep breath. “Tell me what I did wrong, Atreyis.”

Maybe it was because he couldn’t see my face, but I managed to say it then. “Love. The word. I hate it.”

He flipped around while my arms were still in a vise-like hold on his waist. Tipping my chin up, he cupped my face. Damn him straight to hell for looking at me like this. “Then I won’t say it. But I am still leaving.” Then he kissed my forehead so tenderly that I wanted to melt under it.

“You can’t!” I argued. “Isn’t an army of people after you?”

He offered a weak smile and brushed my hair away from my face. “It’s the right thing to do.”

“Why are they after you? What do you have that these fuckers want?” Now, I was sounding desperate.

He stiffened. “Please, Atreyis. This has already become far too difficult for me.”

“And what, it’s just been sunshine and fucking lollipops for me?” I raised my voice a touch too high.

He backed away from me, scowling, and his shoulders hitched. “Gods, you are so fucking selfish.” Then he disappeared. Vanished. A line of dirt swirled down the path for as far as I could see.

“Vastian!”

I cried into my fried fish. Chunks of breading flung from my lips, and the sliced potatoes were soggy now from all the tears. Several customers looked at me with concern. The table was on the waterfront, outside in a little fenced-off area.

Food seemed like a good idea at the time because I couldn’t find him. Once the dirt path ended, so did his trail. When I’d ordered my meal and realized I hadn’t gone back for coin, the owner took one look at me and said it was on the house. That was when I first started my sob fest. Everything tasted sour. My insides hurt. But Vastian was right.

I was selfish.

It was how I survived this long, living with the pain of what I’d done, what I continued to do.

I want to die.

The number of times I’d said those words should have brought forth the gods” will to make it so. But they never came for me. They never took away the curse. Maybe they only cared about the elves. Those people did all the god worship shit. Sacrifices, offerings, massive temples, and statues—the works. If I had pointy ears and could fire an arrow, maybe they’d fucking kill me, and I could stop feeling…this.

A waitress walked over to me. “Do you need anything? A hug?”

I dropped my fish and nodded.

She wrapped her warm arms around me, and my face pillowed right in her tits. Usually, I’d have taken this as my golden moment. I’d put on my charm, and we’d be fucking against a wall. But I wrapped my arms around her instead, returning the friendly embrace. I didn’t deserve this hug—this kindness.

Since when did I become this crying, fish-eating slob of a man? I’d allowed about thirty people to watch me do it, too. All because of Vastian. Because he fucking left me.

He was too good for me anyway.

By the time I got to the apartment, all I wanted to do was lay in the blood-soaked bed and stay there forever. My legs were stiff, and I felt like a corpse. Dragging myself to the door, I was surprised it was unlocked, but not enough to care. If bad guys were in there—so be it. I didn’t look up either when I went in. My focus was on the bed. Get to the gods damned bed.

Pushing open the door, I closed my eyes. Why? I didn’t know, but I slumped against the door, closing it.

Then, a throat cleared.

Alora was probably there. I”d deal with her later. Still unwilling to look at anything, I walked over to the bed and sat down. Raking my fingers through my hair and trying to shake off the funk.

“Atreyis.”

Was I actually hallucinating him now?

Swallowing hard as I opened my eyes, my breath hitched in my lungs. A yellow rose. He was holding a yellow rose. It wasn’t a bouquet, but the meaning was there. Forgiveness.

Ever so slowly, he stepped closer and then knelt. “I tried to leave. I was so close to boarding a ship.” He sighed between sentences.Shock must have still crippled me because I couldn’t talk. “I want nothing more than to forget what I am, Atreyis. But everything has changed.”

I gulped.

“Trust doesn’t come easily for you. I’ve villainized you for it, but I”ve ignored my own hypocrisy.”

“Stop,” I whispered.

“Please let me finish.” He cupped my hand.

“You don’t owe me anything. I’m selfish. I’m fucked up. If you knew what I’ve done…”

His fingers tightened. “Can’t be worse than what I have done.”

What was he saying?

“I want to tell you, Atreyis. Everything. If you still want to hear it?” The way his eyes glistened behind unshed tears twisted at me. How much strength this man had was unreal.

Taking the rose from him, I smelled it. Perfect fucking rose. “You trust me with that?”

He nodded.

I might have been post semi-coital bliss in the woods when I said I was in love. That was just my cock talking. But now? Now, I didn’t know what this was. It could have been a fart brewing. However, the bubble that formed inside me just grew tenfold.

“Alright, cherub. Tell me.”