CHAPTER FOURTEEN

By the time Matty drove them back from their picnic and playing at the park, the kids seemed happy and tired.

Antoni looked more content than Matty had ever seen him.

"School tomorrow," Antoni reminded them as they walked into the house, arms filled with back-to-school supplies and clothes. "Alexis, Eli, pack your lunches and backpacks, then take your showers. If you want to wear any of these new clothes to school tomorrow, leave them out for me to wash, okay? I'll put a basket in the hallway you can dump them in."

"Okay," they both said.

"River, I need to get you bathed." Antoni shot Matty a look. "I hate to ask but …"

"Gimme the baby," Matty said. "I'll watch him while I help with lunches."

"You sure?" There was guilt in Antoni's eyes that Matty wanted to make disappear.

"I'm sure," he said firmly. "Baby me."

Antoni laughed and nodded. "Yeah, okay."

Antoni went to help River with her bath and when they were gone, Alexis started pulling food out of the refrigerator.

"You're good for him," she said thoughtfully as she grabbed the new lunch bags they'd bought this afternoon. "Uncle Antoni, I mean."

"You think so?" Matty asked. He took a seat at the island and plopped Reese on his lap.

"Yeah," she said. "He laughs a lot more. And he doesn't seem so stressed out."

"It's good," Eli said firmly.

"Good," Matty said because he didn't know what else to say. He watched Alexis assemble a cheese sandwich and put some sliced carrots and cucumber into a container with some hummus. "Hey, do you get bored eating those all the time?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, sometimes. But I don't want to stress Uncle Antoni out by asking for a bunch of vegetarian stuff."

Matty nodded. "I get that. But if you're playing hockey, you're going to need more protein. How do you feel about hard-boiled eggs?"

"I like them."

"Cool, I'll make a batch tonight," he said. "And we should talk about bean and rice combos, maybe."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. "I have some recipes from the team chef. And he can get me some more. High-protein veggie stuff can be awesome."

"That would be great. Thanks, Matty." She shot him a fleeting smile. "I'm gonna get my crap ready for tomorrow unless you need anything, Eli."

"Nah, I'm okay," they said.

Eli moved a little slower, but when they had their lunch assembled, Matty smiled at them. "Any requests for your lunches?"

"I like those mini cheeses in the wax," Eli said. "And baby oranges."

"Okay," Matty said. "I can make that happen. I know people."

Eli giggled.

"Now go on," Matty said with a shooing motion. "Get your stuff ready for tomorrow, then shower like your Uncle Antoni said. I'll clean up in here later."

"Thanks!" Eli darted off and Matty took a look at Reese, whose eyes were drooping.

"But first, we're going to get you ready for bed after you get your bedtime bottle, mister," he told him.

After Reese had been fed and changed and Matty read him a story and tucked him in, he went back to the kitchen and started packing lunch for Antoni.

Matty had just about finished when Antoni walked in, shirt damp and hair a little mussed.

"Sorry, that took me longer than planned. River was feeling a little wound up. Oh, you didn't have to pack my lunch though," he said staring pointedly at the new lunch bag he'd reluctantly bought for himself—though only after the kids talked him into it.

"I know I didn't." Matty tossed a bag of grapes in and zipped the bag shut.

"You didn't have to put Reese down for bed either."

"I know that too," Matty said. "But what if I like to?"

Antoni sighed, tilting his head to look at him. "Then I'd really say you're Miracle Matty."

Matty smiled and opened the dishwasher to empty the clean lunch dishes.

They unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher in silence, working together like they'd done this a thousand times before. And sure, Matty was used to roommates, used to billet families, but he'd never felt like this around anyone before.

It was like they fit into each other's lives seamlessly and he wondered if it could be more. He kept sneaking glances at Antoni, noticing the way his shirt molded across his shoulders and his hair fell in his eyes.

This was the kind of life Matty had always hoped for. Antoni was the kind of person Matty had hoped to be with.

Well, maybe not being with a guy. Matty had never really pictured that.

He'd come from an area in Oklahoma where being gay or bi wasn't the norm. Where he'd never seen real-life gay or lesbian couples living their lives just like straight people did.

But once Matty had come to Toronto, he'd discovered a whole other world. The Fisher Cats were like no team he'd ever been on before.

Before Dustin and Charlie got together and before Nico and August, before Jonah and Felix, Matty might not have been able to picture wanting this.

Before Antoni, he'd never considered it for himself. But he couldn't deny the way his stomach tightened when Antoni was close, or his chest went warm when he laughed. He couldn't ignore how right it felt when he and Antoni worked together like this.

And yeah, this was fast. Matty felt like he was racing toward something new and unknown. But Matty just … damn it, he wanted to see if Antoni was the one for him.

He wanted to brush the hair out of Antoni's eyes and put his arms around him and press their lips together and …

"Hey," Matty said, his voice coming out low and rough.

Antoni turned to face him. "Yeah?"

"Antoni …" Matty reached up and curled a hand around the back of Antoni's neck. "Tell me if you don't want this."

Antoni hesitated, his gaze darting to Matty's lips. When Matty brushed his fingers across the soft hair at the nape of Antoni's neck, he shivered and leaned in, his hands settling against Matty's chest, warm through the thin fabric of his T-shirt.

"I …" Antoni whispered but he didn't finish the thought, just breathed, quick and shallow.

"Hey," Matty said lowly. "I don't want you to feel like you have to or anything. It won't change anything about you living here, I swear but—"

"I can't." Antoni's voice cracked. "I want to but I can't."

Matty searched Antoni's face, taking in the little frown wrinkling his forehead and the anguished expression in his eyes.

"Okay." Matty eased back and leaned against the counter beside Antoni, their shoulders pressed together. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have …"

"No, don't be sorry. I really do want it. Want you. But I have to think of the kids." Antoni let out a nervous little laugh. "And, uh, I thought you were straight until the other night."

"Not so much." Matty reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. "I—I've never dated a guy before but um, my ex-wife and I … we had a threesome with a man."

"No way," Antoni whispered. "All that stuff online is true?"

"I mean, probably not all of it," Matty said, horrified by the thought. They came up with the weirdest ideas. "It never, um, went super far with the guy. We both fucked her and at one point, swords uh, kinda crossed. She was pretty into it for a while and we, um, gave each other handjobs but when we kissed, she got super weird about it and it all kinda turned into a mess after that."

Antoni frowned. "Oh wow. I'm sorry. That sounds awful."

"Yeah. Uhh, it's kinda why the marriage ended, to be honest. When we talked about it after, she freaked out when I said I thought I might be bi or whatever."

That night wasn't the first time Matty had thought about a guy. There had been a few over the years. Friends who became something more, who opened his eyes in a way that he hadn't expected.

He'd just never done anything physical with them.

Truthfully, there had been more men he'd felt that way about than women but he'd always kinda chalked it up to spending so much time with guys on his team. He didn't have the same chances to get to know women.

"She left you because you admitted you were bi?" Antoni sounded horrified.

"Pretty much." Matty winced, looking down at the floor. "She said she couldn't see me the same way anymore. She liked men and I … to her, I wasn't really a man anymore."

"What the fuck?" Antoni said. "What … that's … Oh my God that makes me angry."

Matty shrugged, glancing up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Antoni studied his face. "That was incredibly shitty of her."

"I guess."

"No, it was. You were being honest and up front with someone you loved. She should have been kinder to you about it."

"Probably." Matty sighed. "But she wasn't, so …"

"No, Matty." Antoni placed his palm against his chest. "She was cruel and a bigot."

"It was how she felt." Matty shrugged.

"Yeah, but even if we ignore how fucked up and biphobic and all that other crap, and accept that her feelings for you legitimately changed, there were so many better ways that she could have told you that. Yet she somehow picked the shittiest one. You know that, right? That you deserve to be treated better?"

Matty nodded. "It was kinda always like that though. She, um, sort of treated me like I was just there to make her happy. And I mean, I loved making her happy, but it never really went both ways."

Antoni's face went all soft and worried. "Matty …"

"Why does everyone look at me like that when I tell them that?"

"Because you are the most incredible man and you deserve someone who sees that and appreciates you for it."

"I'd really like that," Matty whispered.

"I'd really like that guy to be me," Antoni said. "I just … I'm worried about things getting complicated. You're my landlord, technically."

Matty winced. "I thought we were at least friends."

"We are!" Antoni said. "We definitely are. But I have to think of the kids. I can't do anything to jeopardize the progress they're making. They love being here. They love having you around. But what if … what if it doesn't work out between us? They'd lose having you in their lives and—"

"No matter what, I wouldn't just drop out of their lives!"

"I know that. But I'm still worried that they'd get hurt in the process."

Sighing, Matty nodded.

"I get that. It just … it really sucks," Matty admitted. "But if that's what you want, I understand. And nothing's going to change here. I still want you to live here and I want to take the kids to the park and cook dinners and help you with them and all of that."

"You're such a good person," Antoni said with a sigh. "I hate that I can't just say yes to this. To seeing what it would be like if we were together."

"Me too." Matty offered him a small smile.

Antoni picked up a dishtowel and wiped at a puddle on the counter. "So, um, the guy you and your ex had the threesome with. That's the only guy you've … done anything with?"

"Yeah. A few minutes ago I was hoping to make it two but …"

"Oh, Matty."

"It's fine." Matty looked away. "I didn't mean to make it awkward."

"No, Matty, look at me," Antoni said earnestly and Matty glanced at him again. "If things weren't so complicated for me right now, I'd … well, I'd be really into you."

"You would?"

"Oh my God. You have no idea. You're … seriously the sweetest, hottest guy I've ever met in my life. You're the guy I wish I was dating." Antoni huffed out a laugh. "But dating is … it's really hard for me right now. My focus has to be on the kids and we're living with you. I don't want to fuck anything up for them."

"No, I get that," Matty said. And God, he really did. That fact that Antoni was willing to put the kids first was one of the things he liked best about him. "It's okay."

"And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself anyway. Maybe you weren't thinking about dating anyway. Maybe it was just sex—"

"No," Matty protested. "That's, um, that's the thing. I'm not a casual sex guy. I'm demi."

"Ohh," Antoni said. "So you … you only get attracted to people once you get to know them? Feel a connection?"

"Yeah." Matty looked down at his hands. "That's the thing. I like you, Antoni. And it's okay, I know you're not in a place where you can date or whatever. I get it. I just …"

I really fucking like you,he thought.

"Wow," Antoni said, dragging a hand through his hair. "God, this sucks."

"I'm sorry."

"No." Antoni slid closer. "No, don't be sorry. Or, it's not on you, really. It's me. Where I'm at. Our situation. I don't know."

"Hey, I get it," Matty said softly. "If things were different, maybe we could've …" He shrugged. "But I'm never gonna be mad that we can't. You're—you're a really good guy, Antoni. You love those kids and you're putting them first. It's why I like you and absolutely nothing to be sorry about."

Antoni sighed and let his head fall back. "I can still be annoyed that we can't make out in the kitchen after the kids go to bed though, right?"

"Yeah," Matty said with a soft laugh. "You can. I am too, a little bit."

"Just a little bit?" Antoni teased.

Matty groaned. "Okay, maybe a lot. But it's okay. I can still be your friend."

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Antoni's forehead, then wrapped him in a hug.

Antoni sighed, clutching the back of Matty's shirt as he pressed his face to Matty's shoulder. "Yeah," he said, his voice a little muffled by the fabric. "Yeah, of course we can still be friends."

Even if it sucks, Matty thought with a sigh.

Because damn did this suck.