CHAPTER TWELVE

When Antoni woke up the following morning, he felt like someone had dropped him into a cloud. The bed was incredible.

He squinted at the baby monitor on the nightstand, rubbing his eyes, his brain not quite awake yet. When he saw that neither Reese nor River were in their bedrooms, he sat upright, adrenaline flooding through him.

Antoni scrambled out of bed, half-aware that, probably, hopefully, Matty or Alexis had an eye on them but all Antoni's brain could register was Kids missing! Panic! and he fumbled for clothes to go with his pajama pants. He tugged socks on, grabbed the nearest thing that would go over his upper half, then bolted for the bedroom door.

All four of the bedrooms were empty and Antoni came skidding into the main living area, breathing hard.

"Oh my God," he said, his socks sliding on the hardwood floor, relieved at the sight in front of him. "There you all are."

The kids—seated at the kitchen island—looked up from their breakfasts.

"We're having pancakes!" Eli said.

Matty, who stood by the stove with a towel over his shoulder, glanced over at Antoni with a smile. "Morning, sleepyhead."

"Oh God." Antoni sagged against the cabinet. "I had a moment of panic when I thought the kids were missing."

"You worry too much," Alexis said.

Tell me something I don't know,Antoni thought with a rueful shake of his head.

"Any of you want more pancakes?" Matty asked. "Or more eggs?"

"Nah, I'm good," Alexis said. "Thanks! This was yummy."

Matty beamed. "How do you feel about waffles?"

She squinted. "I don't know, how do you feel about putting chocolate chips in them?"

"I might be talked into that sometime. If your Uncle Antoni is okay with it." Matty glanced over.

"Uhh, yeah that would be okay," Antoni said. "Not all the time or anything but we could do that occasionally if Matty wants to make them."

"Awesome." She shot them both a smile. "I'm gonna be in my room."

"Plate in the dishwasher, please," Antoni reminded her, glad to see what a good mood she was in. This was the most she'd spoken at breakfast and smiled since her parents' death.

Alexis hopped down from the stool and carried her plate over the dishwasher while Antoni took a few deep breaths.

His heart rate was only now coming down.

He was always up and out of bed before the kids, always. And he'd never had anyone to look after them while he had a chance to sleep in.

"I think I'm done too," Eli said, clambering down. "I had five pancakes, eggs, and turkey sausage."

"And fruit," Matty said.

"Yeah, it was yummy!"

"Wow," Antoni said. "You must have been hungry."

"Everything was so good!" Eli beamed. "And I love maple syrup."

Matty made a face. "Still not sure how I feel about you putting it on eggs but I guess you are Canadian."

Eli giggled and skipped to the dishwasher, plate and fork in hand.

"And how are you, River?" Antoni asked, noticing her hair was in pigtails and she was neatly dressed.

"More pancake!" River said, banging her fist on the counter.

"Hey," Antoni chided gently. "Use all your words and be polite, please."

She frowned but said, "More pancake … please."

"How many?" Matty asked, laughing.

"Two!"

"Coming right up!"

Antoni watched with a dazed sort of amusement as River proceeded to devour two pancakes in record time. When she was done, he helped her load the dishwasher with her plate and fork, then wiped off her sticky fingers and face.

He tried not to think about the bomb Matty had dropped on him last night but the thought kept creeping into his head, along with the memory of Matty leaning close, looking like he wanted to kiss Antoni.

When they were alone in the kitchen except for Reese, who was playing with his rice cereal more than eating it, Antoni shook his head. "Yeesh, you'd think I'd never fed those children."

"Maybe it was the first food that tasted good," Matty said with a wink.

"Hey!" Antoni protested, but he was laughing.

Matty shrugged. "Seems normal to me."

"Yeah, yeah, hockey players," Antoni joked. But he quickly sobered. "I just want to say I am so sorry I slept in this morning and—"

Matty shot him a confused look as he poured more batter onto the griddle. "Why?"

"Because I didn't mean to leave this all on you." He gestured around the kitchen. "I didn't even know you were going to do this. I just … I guess I turned off my alarm and rolled over and fell back asleep or something."

Matty shrugged. "Well, clearly you needed the rest."

"Yeah, but the kids are all dressed and someone did River's hair and—"

"Ahh, it's fine. Alexis helped. I fed Reese and Alexis changed the diaper. Which, let's be honest, I got the way better end of that deal."

Antoni managed a small laugh. "True. But I don't want her to feel like she needs to raise her siblings, you know? She's a kid. It's one thing to pitch in occasionally but I don't want her to feel like she has to be his mother. She should just be able to enjoy being fourteen."

"Sure," Matty said, flicking off the burner then walking over. "I've seen big families where the older kids have to take on way too much responsibility. But you're allowed to sleep in one day of the year. I didn't mind helping and I don't think Alexis did either. Honestly, she said she was glad you were finally getting some sleep."

"Yeah?" Antoni said, touched that she'd noticed. "That's sweet but I really don't want to lean too heavy on either of you. This wasn't part of our agreement."

"It wasn't?" Matty asked, tilting his head. "Because I thought it was."

"That's not why I moved in with you."

"I know. But I'm lending a hand is all," Matty said with a shrug. "Like your parents. Or your brother."

"But you're not …" Antoni fumbled the words, not sure how to explain. Just because they'd had a moment last night didn't mean they were … dating or anything. Even though he now knew Matty wasn't straight and—if Antoni hadn't finally gone around the bend from stress—had looked at Antoni like he wanted to kiss him.

"I'm not family," Matty said with a nod. He turned away and got a mug down from the cupboard. "But I am your friend. Or at least I wanna be. And I thought you understood all that after you met the team yesterday. This is just what we do."

"You invite strangers to live in your homes?" Antoni asked doubtfully.

"Well, kind of. It's normal in hockey, you know." Matty poured coffee, adding cream and sugar.

"It is?"

"Yeah." Matty pushed the full mug into Antoni's hand. "Have a seat, drink this, and I'll tell you all about trades and billeting."

Slightly dazed, Antoni took a seat at the counter and sipped the coffee. He didn't really need it. He felt shockingly well-rested after all that sleep. But the coffee tasted amazing.

He was going to get so spoiled living here.

Matty leaned against the counter, arms crossed.

"Okay, so first of all, trades happen all the dam—darn time. One day you're playing in a city, the next you're on a plane heading across the country. And sometimes you stay in a hotel for a bit, but sometimes the captain or one of the players on your new team says, ‘hey, I've got a spare room, you wanna stay with me?' And it's nice, you know? It's not so lonely. They help you get settled into a strange new city where you might not know anyone on the team, or only a few guys from playing in past tournaments or whatever."

"Sure, that makes sense." Antoni took another sip of his coffee.

"And then there's billeting. Do you know what Junior hockey is?"

"Uhh, I'm guessing it's below senior hockey?"

Matty laughed. "Sort of. It's amateur hockey for players who are fifteen to twenty years old."

"Okay."

"So, especially for the younger kids, they need a place to stay. They're not ready to be on their own but a lot of the teams they play for are far from where their families live. So people in the community volunteer to become billet households. The family helps the player with meals, laundry, studying, rides, all that stuff."

"Oh. So like exchange students."

"Pretty much," Matty said. "And the families get money for expenses and all that. Does that sound kinda familiar, maybe?"

The metaphorical lightbulb went off over Antoni's head. "So, you've been looking at this situation like we're billeting with you," Antoni said with a grin.

"Basically." Matty grinned back. "And the best billet houses treat you like you're a part of their family. I stayed in some great homes. With people who I keep in contact with even now. They call on my birthday or Christmas or whatever, you know? It's nice. They're like bonus family."

"Okay," Antoni said slowly. "This is actually sort of starting to make sense to me. From your experiences, living with strangers and becoming a part of their home, that's totally normal."

Matty shrugged. "Pretty much. I guess I hadn't thought about it that way until just now, but yeah."

"Okay." Antoni released a big breath. "That actually makes me feel a lot better."

"Yeah?" Matty shot him a smile. "Well, that's good. I want you to be happy living here. I want you to let me help out. Not because I don't think you can handle it or any of that. But because that's what feels normal to me. I'd feel awful if I watched you struggle and just did nothing, you know?"

Antoni smiled back. Somehow, it all made sense now. And while he'd guess that Matty was just a generous guy with a huge heart and a desire to help people to begin with, this was the missing puzzle piece that made everything lock into place in Antoni's head.

Matty was treating Antoni like he was a hockey player. It was like … being welcomed into a new culture or something.

And while Antoni might not understand hockey culture, it was easier to think of it terms like that. He could work with that. He could stop questioning why Matty was doing it and just be the best possible billet person out there.

"Cool," Antini said. "So what's for breakfast?"

Matty threw his head back and laughed. "Pancakes, eggs, turkey sausage, fruit, yogurt …"

"Uhh, you do know I can't actually eat that much, right?" Antoni said. "Like, my stomach is only so big."

Matty scoffed. "Could've fooled me yesterday! ‘Oh, I only got two pieces of pizza and salad. I'm starving because the team ate it all!'"

"It was good food!" Antoni protested but he was laughing and it suddenly felt good and normal to be here in Matty's kitchen, listening to Reese babble about something as he pushed more rice cereal to the floor.

Antoni turned to him. "Hey, do you think you could try to get a few in your mouth instead of on the floor, little man?" he asked teasingly, swooping a spoonful through the air and into Reese's mouth.

He gummed at it, then spat it out.

"Oh, kid," Antoni said with a sigh. "C'mon. Not even one?"

"Pretty sure he thinks they're toys, not food," Matty said with a chuckle. "Have you tried mashed foods?"

"Not yet. I should. But the pre-made stuff is stupid expensive and I haven't had time to make any myself." Antoni made a face.

"Oh, well we can make some this afternoon. It's pretty easy."

"Let me guess? You made some for your goaltender's kids?" Antoni said drily.

"Yup."

"Sure, if you're not busy," Antoni said with a shrug. "That would be a big help."

"Nope. I'm going to go skate in a bit but after I get back, we can go shopping."

"That reminds me, I need to take the kids back-to-school shopping. And I need to do some cleaning at the rental house. I can do that while you skate though."

"What about the kids?"

"Oh, my parents said they would watch them."

"Cool. I should get them spare keys and the gate code so they can just pop over and watch them here if that's easier for them."

"You don't mind?"

"Nah," Matty said. "Not at all."

And Antoni shook his head because he felt so light. Where there had been obstacles and difficulty before, there was Matty smoothing the way now.

"You're amazing," Antoni said, awed.

"Just wait until you taste my pancakes." Matty turned away.

Antoni grinned and tried not to stare at Matty's ass.

He'd like to taste something, alright.

"So, how's the fam?" Felix teased when Matty arrived at the practice rink later that morning.

"They're good!" Matty beamed.

"You do realize they're not your family, right?" Dustin asked with a lift of his eyebrows.

"Of course! I'm just helping out."

Dustin was already gearing up and Matty hustled to get ready too, the routine of it allowing his mind to wander as he stripped off his street clothes and put on his gear.

And maybe he was thinking about kissing Antoni but his teammates didn't need to know that. Though, now that Matty thought about it, that was probably what they'd all be laughing about yesterday.

He really had just been brushing flour off Antoni's cheek. But now … oh, now he was thinking of Antoni in other ways.

He'd tried explaining to people what it felt like to be demisexual. How he went through life just thinking about hockey and his friends and fun stuff he wanted to do. He wasn't … obsessed with sex and dating the way some of the guys he knew were.

But sometimes, when he got closer to someone, when he felt like he was really getting to know them and like them as a person, that switch flipped.

It was like there was a sudden spotlight on them, lighting them up in a dark room.

And then he was thinking about them in those other ways too.

Thinking about touching them, kissing them …

A sharp sting lit up Matty's ass and he yelped, rubbing it. "What the fuck was that for?" he grumbled, glaring at Dustin who stood next to him, laughing.

"Just checking to see if you're still alive in there, man." Dustin grinned.

"Fuck you, I'm alive," Matty said.

"Well, how about we get started then?" Dustin jerked his head toward the hallway that led out to the ice.

Since these were summer practices, loosely organized by Dustin, Matty, and Dom, they ran them as a group.

"Yeah, yeah," Matty said.

As he reached the ice, he guiltily realized guys were already starting warmup laps and practice was about to begin. He smiled, anticipating the drills ahead.

Some guys groaned and did them because they had to, but Matty enjoyed this. If he wasn't having fun practicing, what was he even doing as a hockey player?

After some warmup laps around the ice and a few sprints to get their blood flowing, they transitioned to drills. Sometimes they all worked together or scrimmaged, but with no goalies available, today they broke into two groups.

Dustin and Dom took the forwards while Matty wrangled the defensemen.

"Okay," Matty hollered. "We're doing puck protection drills today. I want you to focus on puck retrievals and shoulder checking. Line up in two even groups on the faceoff dots. You should be able to do this in your sleep by now but I'll remind you in case you've forgotten. We'll start from the right with Jonah. Player one chips the puck into the corner, retrieves it, passes it to player two at the point. Player two, walk the blue line, take a shot, then jump to retrieve the puck in the opposite corner. Player three—Eric from the left—chip it to the corner for player two to retrieve and keep going, alternating sides. Once I make sure you chucklefucks were listening, I'll hop in too. Go!"

Sadly, no one would give him a whistle, but he was loud enough that when he yelled go, Jonah hopped to.

It was pretty seamless after that. They'd all been doing drills like this since they were kids but it did help to have someone lay out the drills and keep things from turning into a chaotic mess.

Everything ran smoothly until someone glided out onto the ice.

"Oh my God, look who the fisher cat dragged in!" Matty yelled, sprinting for Nico. He joyfully checked him into the boards, happy to hear Nico laughing as he shoved Matty away.

"Fuck, give a guy a minute to get his feet under him," he said but his eyes were bright and happy.

Everyone crowded around Nico, playfully jostling his helmet or crushing him in a hug.

It was good to see him on the ice again, ready for full-contact. He'd been skating for a while, but it had all been solo stuff, just getting his legs ready.

"How do you feel?" Matty asked as everyone trickled away, returning to their respective halves of the ice.

"So fucking good." Nico glowed and Matty glanced over to see August watching in the stands, a frown furrowing his forehead.

"Is your man worried about you?" Matty asked.

"Yeah." Nico gave Matty a lopsided smile. "You know, we're both working through it."

"Yeah, I bet it was scary for him. I know it was for all of us."

Nico nodded. "I've been working with Ron."

"The sports psychologist for the team?"

"Yep."

"Good," Matty said. "Are you nervous about your first practice?"

"A little bit but mostly fucking excited to get out here with you guys again," Nico said with a laugh. "C'mon, let's do this."

Matty hollered for everyone to get in position and they started up again. It was nice to have Nico in the flow now, throwing out chirps as he skated and stickhandled.

When they were done with practice and Matty was all flushed and sweaty, he wrapped Nico in another big hug, shaking him. "God it's so good to have you out here again!"

"Fuck it's good to be back," Nico said. His cheeks were pink from exertion and his blond hair was sweaty at the base of his helmet.

"You look pretty good for having taken almost a year off," Matty teased.

"Fuck you, I always look good," Nico shot back with a laugh. He whacked Matty in the chest with the back of his glove. "Now I've gotta go reassure August that I'm not going to keel over and die."

"You do that," Matty said. "Just, you know, please don't celebrate by having sex in the locker room or anything."

Nico scoffed. "Why do you guys always ruin my fun?"

Guys were filing off the ice but Matty caught Dom before he could leave.

"You still pissed at me?" Matty asked, playfully jostling Dom, pressing him against the boards. The guys had talked about love languages once and all decided Matty's love language was playful physical aggression.

Matty wasn't so sure of that but he did like harassing his friends and making them laugh so maybe that counted.

Dom scowled but he didn't seem too mad as he leaned on his stick. "I'm not pissed at you."

"Just ‘disappointed in my behavior'?" Matty teased.

Dom snorted, a faint smile appearing on his face. "Not that. I was just worried about you."

"You were? But you're not now?"

Dom sighed. "I'm … still concerned. But I agree Antoni seems like a good guy. And obviously he really cares about those kids. I guess my worry is that you're going to fall in love with the idea of having a family who isn't yours and get your heart broken when he moves on."

Matty swallowed. "I get that. But like … the man went from a bundle of stress sleeping on a couch to being able to relax and laugh and get a full night's rest in a fucking bed. It makes me feel good to do that for him."

"I know that. And we all love that about you. They're a sweet family and I think it's great we could all help them out. But tell me you're not feeling more for the guy. Because Matty … you're an affectionate guy, we all know that. But you seem different around Antoni."

Matty nodded. "I … yeah. I guess I am. But that's not really … I'm not …" He floundered for the right words, unsure of what he was trying to say.

"Look, I really do think what you're doing is great. But remember, he's renting from you. His priority is those kids. Don't let yourself get caught up in something that feels like what you've always wanted when it isn't that."

"I'm not!" Matty protested.

"Just don't get your heart stomped on, okay? You can't trust people to stick around and you should know that by now."

Dom skated away and Matty frowned at his back as he got off the ice.

Well that was a depressing thought.

He'd never really understood why Dom was so anti-relationship. He never talked about it but the more Matty thought about it, the more Matty was convinced that someone had broken his heart.

And that made Matty wonder what he could do for Dom to make it better.

Still, it wasn't fair of Dom to assume that Antoni was going to break his heart.

Antoni wasn't Courtney. And it wasn't just because he was a guy.