8. Hazel

HAZEL

"How are you going this month, Hazel?"

I blinked away from the pointless bowl of smoothly polished rocks that sat on the table between me and my therapist. My new therapist. How many had I gone through now? Due to the mental aspect required to dissolve bonds, ongoing therapy was a mandatory part of the treatment. Even more so for those of us who had been in the trials to properly monitor our progress long-term.

Kerry probably received a file on me that may as well have been a giant printout of a middle finger. I gave her my best optimistic smile, fully aware I probably looked like a scarecrow.

"Good. Thank you."

To her credit, Kerry did not scoff and call bullshit. Instead, she simply smiled back. "Fantastic. What was good about it?"

What was good?

Well, Ryder and I were making money hand over fist with our collabs. I wish I could say I was getting better at separating the post-knotting intimacy with the work we were doing but my omega was very happy to lie curled up with him for an extended amount of time.

I hit a new personal best with my deadlifts because my sleep was the shittiest it had ever been.

And I had my first kiss with someone outside of heat services and Ryder Hard since Adrian. I certainly talked a big game but that's all it was. Talk.

My job certainly helped cement the illusion.

I had been drawn to Ben immediately. He was a bit of an enigma, a mass of contradictions. Tall but never felt like he was crowding or overwhelming me. Seriousness in his kind, soulful brown eyes. His slightly nervous bearing had been cute but his more vulnerable moments made him gorgeous. Nothing about his perfect golden skin (seriously, did he have a 12-step Korean skincare routine) or his stubbled black hair was intimidating. But I could sense something darker lurked beneath waiting to devour me.

He was supposed to be safe. A beta. With the fun, slightly taboo element of being my best friend's brother.

Just a harmless kiss at a party, right?

I shouldn't have ignored all the warning signs.

Because he went and utterly fucked it all up by awakening into my scent matched alpha.

No.

Not my scent matched alpha, I mentally corrected myself for the hundredth time. It had felt like that, but it couldn't be that.

Ben was just a late-presenting alpha who I had the unfortunate coincidence of being around when he awakened.

But god the memory of his scent. The whole time we spoke, his gentle peppermint beta scent calmed me. I had no idea it was a lure. Then his tentative kisses turned fierce. Intense. Decadent. The dark chocolate hit me out of nowhere and suddenly he was exactly what I needed and everything I'd ever craved.

I shook my head, ignoring the way Kerry looked at me curiously.

It meant nothing.

I had a scent matched alpha already and it wasn't Ben Liu.

"I've started collaborating with an OnlyA's creator and that's been very successful for both of us. I feel stronger than ever at the gym and…" I paused, wondering how to best describe the situation with Ben. "I met my friend Juno's brother Ben. At her party," I finished lamely.

Kerry wrote a few things down on her notepad before looking back up. "Hazel, that's wonderful. I'd like to remind you that this right here—" She gestured between us with her pen. "Is a relationship. You decide what you'd like to get out of these sessions. I know they're mandatory because you're a trial participant, but please don't discount how beneficial this can be for you. I'd like to hear more about this OnlyA's alpha and Ben, if you're willing."

Of course she did. There wouldn't have been even a passing reference to another man outside of heat partners in my files.

Today I mentioned two.

"No," I said, devoid of emotion. "Not today, please."

Not ever.

"Of course. We can discuss them when you feel more ready but I do think it's important that we do." I could see Kerry drawing what looked like an asterisk on her page. Then circling it. She was certainly thorough. "Now tell me, how is your heat management going?"

The heaviness in my chest lessened slightly knowing Kerry wasn't going to push the issue. I glanced at my phone. "Well, I'm pretty regular and in line with what my cycle tracker app predicts. I have my usual appointments with heat services coming up."

"Are you still content with starting the process from scratch every heat?"

I knew full well what I was doing was not the norm. Omegas who used the National Omega Commission's heat services usually went through a lengthy interview process involving scent cards, health screens and consent checks. Those who used it regularly tended to use the same rotation of alphas every time, essentially fast-tracking the process after the initial onboarding.

I started from the beginning every single time. I never requested the same alpha twice, no matter how attentive he had been in helping me through my heat.

"Yes." I met Kerry's eyes firmly. "That's what I'm most comfortable with."

Kerry's pen lid found the little dimple in her chin and her head tilted to one side. With her large glasses it made her look like an owl. "Sometimes what we're most comfortable with is not what's best for us, Hazel."

And there it was.

"I think we need to unpack why you feel the need to never go through a heat with the same alpha."

I'm sure Kerry would love to do that. All the other therapists certainly tried.

"Isn't it better that I don't get attached to random heat services alphas?" I countered. "I don't think I'm meant to treat it like some backwards sort of dating service."

I barely listened as she tried to convince me that having regular heat service alphas was the norm and consistency was better for my omega.

Kerry tried a different tack when she realised she was getting nowhere. "Have you had any contact with your parents recently?" she asked.

I stared at the bowl of rocks again, letting my eyes glaze over.

"Nope."

Kerry sighed.

I confirmed that the licence plate of the omega car service I'd called matched the one on my app before sliding into the backseat. I could've caught a tram from Kerry's office at NOC to my apartment but I'd gotten into the habit of calling the car service when tensions had been high surrounding bond dissolution.

I never did tell Juno about the graffiti I would see appear overnight in the city. Large swooping Greek A's and a bold underline beneath. On brick walls, back alley doors and billboards. Alpha Brotherhood. They also liked to tag the women's symbol on public bathrooms with it, no better than feral dogs pissing over what they thought was theirs.

I also didn't mention the increased violence on weekends as tensions boiled over, fueled by drink and triggered by young alphas feeling like the world owed them something.

The graffiti had since been scrubbed and the hostilities reduced to a low simmer.

But the car service became a luxury I didn't really want to kick.

I opened the text I'd received from Juno that morning. The same one I still hadn't had the guts to reply to.

Juno

So um, my brother's an alpha now?? What the hell! He said you were there when it happened.

I had typed and deleted and retyped about fifteen responses throughout the day and hadn't felt good about any of them.

Just a weird coincidence I guess — downplayed it way too much and would probably make Juno more suspicious.

Woah that is wild! How old is he, like 29? That's pretty late right? — way too enthusiastic about the wrong thing and would probably make Juno more suspicious.

Yeah, it probably happened when we kissed. Maybe even BECAUSE we kissed — would not only elicit a screaming voice note from Juno but also make her more suspicious.

In summary, I was not having much luck.

But this was Juno. We'd been through so much together.

Yes, I was there. It wasn't what I was expecting and I'm still processing it all to be honest.

I sent it off and hoped for the best. My phone vibrated with Juno's reply almost instantaneously.

Juno

Love you Haze. Here for both of you if you need.

I released a sigh of relief. At least that was dealt with for now. My thumb hovered idly over the messaging app and before I knew it, I'd swiped till I found the muted group chat between myself and my parents. I proceeded to open it up because I was a complete glutton for punishment.

Mum remained persistent, messaging every day. Dad was…just there.

So, the usual.

Mum

Praying for you.

God bless you my daughter.

2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

Bao bei, God has impressed upon me to share this scripture with you. There is still time for you to repent and–

The chat window whooshed away. I wondered why I did this to myself when I felt so fucking shit after.

It wasn't even about the Bible verses being such thinly-veiled vehicles of guilt. It would've been easier if my memories of church had been awful. But they weren't. My childhood had been mostly happy, surrounded by a loving community even if in retrospect the teachings were so incongruous with my values today. My parents could be…stifling sometimes but that seemed pretty standard for Asian parents. I mean, that's how they showed love, wasn't that what everyone said?

Now all of that had been reduced to this.

I still couldn't bring myself to block them. Whenever my thumb hovered over those definitive red letters, I could hear my mum lamenting about how old they were getting. Stories about her friends with daughters that were always around and helpful and took care of their parents.

Not to mention the grim, bottled-up look on my dad's face. Full of emotions without the ability to process them, let alone express himself.

I couldn't even begin to untangle the mire of regret that consumed me when I thought of them.

My phone vibrated and I looked down to see another text from Juno.

Juno

BTW I didn't get to ask at my party but how is the COLLABBING going wink wink wink wink

Grinning, I typed back.

Let's just say RYDER HARD lives up to his name.

Pressed send.

And realised I had texted it to my parents.

Who I had not communicated with for years.

"Fuck. Oh, fuckity fuck fuck."

"Is everything ok, miss?" my driver asked, catching my eye in the rear view mirror.

"Uh, yes! Sorry!" I answered hurriedly, my voice pitched higher than usual.

No, everything is not ok!

It said delivered underneath but not read. I quickly held my thumb over it and smashed the red trash can icon that popped up. Delete. Deletedeletedelete.

The text whooshed away in a cartoon cloud. If only my sheer mortification and panic went along with it.

I did it so fast, there's no way they could've seen it, right?

I mean, I knew the way my dad used his phone. Flipping open that leather cover, putting on his glasses and peering at it from a distance like he was having difficulty reading the already magnified text.

Trust that your parents are still technological dinosaurs.

I triple checked that I was actually in Juno's chat window and replied to her properly.

The kindly Father Christmas looking driver dropped me off with a you have yourself a good day now, miss and only pulled away once he saw I'd safely entered the doors of 101 Riverside.

I must've still been shaky if it was a relief to see Aleks behind the desk.

"Hey buttface," I greeted him, because he could not be allowed to know that.

Aleks looked at me like he was regretting every single life decision that had culminated in that moment. "I am not a buttface," he finally said.

"Sounds like something a buttface would say."

Instead of rising to my insult, he gave me a forced smile.

"What's wrong?" I said, instantly serious. No wonder his usually clean-shaven face was sprinkled with stubble today.

"It's nothing," he replied quickly.

He was a clam, this one. That jawline might as well have been a steel trap. "Well, I'm sure the idea of it makes you ill but if you ever want to talk I'm here," I offered. I reached into my bag and fetched a white rabbit candy from the stash I always kept in there. "Here."

Aleks opened it and started trying to pick off the sheer rice wrapping.

"That's edible," I told him. Just in case he thought I was lying, I unwrapped one of the creamy milk candies for myself and popped it into my mouth.

He dutifully followed suit. "It's all in my teeth," he said somewhat accusingly.

"Yep," I beamed.

"But it tastes good," he added grudgingly.

"There you go." I smiled and turned to leave. After my disaster of a session with Kerry it would've been wildly hypocritical to coerce him to talk before he was ready.

"Hazel."

I paused, halfway to the elevator.

"My grandma's in the hospital."

Oh. This called for way more than candy-level reassurance. I walked back to his desk, laid my hands flat on the counter and propped my chin on them. "Is she going to be ok?" I asked plainly. Aleks did not strike me as someone who needed coddling, even during a crisis.

He exhaled as he ran a stressed hand through his hair. His short loose curls managed to land in the most effortlessly tousled way that others would probably spend hours to achieve.

Pretty!cooed my omega.

Grandma in hospital. I urgently reminded her with a mental slap.

"She had some chest pain early this morning. I took her straight to emergency and they said they had to keep her there overnight because of her age." Aleks rubbed his jaw nervously. "They wouldn't let me stay," he finished bleakly.

"Seriously?"

"Rules are rules, I guess." His lip curled slightly, unimpressed by the hospital's protocols.

How could I try to reassure him? "Did you get to meet her doctor?" I asked.

"Yes, he didn't seem…terrible. One of the nurses actually spoke Russian and said she'd make sure my grandma was looked after," Aleks conceded.

"She sounds like she's in good hands," I said carefully. "I'm glad they're taking the time to make sure she's ok. Even though it's hard knowing she's there by herself. Hopefully it's just a one-off and not anything more serious."

Aleks was silent for a while. Ruminating, on the cusp of saying more. I waited and gave him space, letting him make the decision of whether to fill it or not.

"She's…not been herself for a while." His voice was quiet but gritty when he finally spoke. "It's been getting harder and harder to look after her. I put her on a waitlist for a care facility even though I have no fucking idea how we're going to afford it."

I thought for a moment. "What do you think your grandma would want you to do?"

"She would tell me to keep studying and working towards my future. And that circumstances might change when the time comes," he said slowly.

"Smart lady." I smiled.

Aleks returned it and my stomach did a little somersault.

"She is. She's the best." He picked up his pen and turned it over and over between his fingers restlessly. "I just…don't want to go home after work knowing she's not there."

This fucking counter, this barrier between us. It chafed on me for some reason. I needed it gone so I could curl up in his lap, pull that sad head into my neck and let him breathe in my—

Hazel, what the fucking fuck.

"Dinner," I blurted.

Aleks blinked up at me.

"We should get dinner. When you're done," I said, more coherently this time. "I know a great little curry house that's a 10 minute walk from here. Let's set our heads on fire so it takes your mind off it for a little while."

"Yeah, that sounds good, actually. Thank you." I could sense his burden lift slightly, a tiny gilded sparkle of sunshine after a storm. "You'll wait for me? I clock out at 8."

"Of course."

I wondered why his trust in me made me feel so much.