32. Rainer

32

RAINER

F or once, the night seemed much too short. Though Rainer had fallen asleep briefly, he had spent the past hour watching Cecilia.

At first, he'd been afraid to touch her too much, worried that he'd wake her or, worse, make her panic. But she was a heavier sleeper beside him than she'd been the night he sat guard in her room watching her restlessly toss and turn. It was as if his presence beside her was enough to soothe her fear. Tentatively, he reached out, brushing his fingers over her collarbone. Her skin was soft and warm and smelled like summer.

Rainer ran his fingers down her side, as if tracing her over and over could imprint the moment on every one of his senses with sight and touch and smell. It was disorienting, the feeling of being cracked wide open, fully possessed by a beautiful woman who gave him so much of herself even when she was afraid.

He'd fallen in love with her perhaps the first moment he was sent to keep an eye on her and she'd bent over the table, giving him a glimpse of her perfect backside. Somehow it had happened without his permission or realization and now he was a helpless sap watching her sleep .

She let out a soft, contented sigh and rolled onto her back. Rainer drank in the sight of her, afraid at any moment she'd be ripped away from him. Her skin was so fair he could make out blue veins beneath the surface at pulse points like the spot on her wrist, marred by a pale scar she rubbed when she was nervous. He traced a finger over the three freckles that dotted her shoulder up her neck.

He tugged at the sheet, revealing her chest, and stared at the golden scar over her heart that matched his. They had two matching scars, though no matter how Rainer tried to call up a memory to explain the crescent scar on his hand or the golden slice over his heart, he found nothing but fog and darkness.

He wanted to press his heart against her chest, to leave an imprint there the way she'd left her mark on him.

Her waterfall of hair cascaded over the pillow. Something about the wildness of it unbound, seeing her so open and vulnerable, made him want to cling to her.

What little Rainer remembered about his life had made him pliant, desperate to prove himself, and yet Cecilia seemed delighted when he shirked his responsibilities. She never stopped asking him why he was so compelled to be what other people wanted. She asked what he wanted. Rainer was mortified that he had no answer.

He'd never considered what to want other than approval; hadn't bothered imagining what he'd do when he got it because Raymond McKay's had always been elusive.

But maybe Rainer had clung to it so tightly because as long as he was constantly chasing it, he'd never have to admit that he failed. It was a lie that allowed him to feel active in the pursuit instead of acknowledging that it was impossible. For Raymond there would always be more to gain—more money, more acclaim, more admiration. He could be king and still he'd never be satisfied. Rainer had known that since he was a boy, but to admit it meant that he'd have to forge his own path, and he already felt so alone in the world.

It left him with nothing but the very large boots of Zelden Novaris to fill, and his birth father was a legend and deceased—therefore incapable of giving his approval. Rainer was unsure how he could meet a higher standard, but for the first time, he realized how futile his endless pursuit of being better was.

He'd not been enough for the father who left him behind to go to battle. He'd been measuring himself against Raymond McKay's impossible greed ever since, ensuring that Rainer would always have something to do to blot out how terribly lonely he felt.

Cecilia was obviously lonely, but she clearly had friends in Xander and Jessamin. Rainer had no one.

He tried to pull up a memory from close to the attack but could only remember speaking with Xander's disgraced spymaster, Evan Farlan. But he hadn't felt in any way suspicious of Evan. If anything, Rainer had trusted him deeply. The only other memory was of sitting in Xander's room, drinking whiskey with the prince, and it was clear that what existed between them was more tolerance than genuine friendship. Even so, Xander had been so impatient and terse with Rainer since he'd woken from his coma. It made no sense.

Cecilia shifted, the light catching the emerald on her finger. Surely if Vincent found out what Cecilia and Rainer had been up to, she'd be hurt or thrown in the dungeon.

Rainer hadn't been thinking much at all once she'd taken off her robe, but now fear crept into his mind. He would not let the king put his hands on her again, and if that made him a traitor, so be it.

He'd surrender all progress he'd made in working with Vincent in the weeks since he'd woken if it meant keeping Cecilia safe. It baffled him that she could be on the side of the very people who had attacked her. It made no sense. If she was truly on the side of the rebels, that meant that Xander was as well, and they were both playing a dangerous game. Rainer couldn't bear the thought of her being hurt again. Her body was already a map of wicked-looking scars, and he could not see one more added. She'd suffered enough.

But he didn't know how to explain to her that they couldn't stay when she seemed to be intent on helping the rebellion. Perhaps if he had a little more time with her he could convince her the only real option was to run. If Rainer was honest with himself, he missed the sea and the sunshine. He wanted to go back to Olney, and he wanted to take Cecilia with him.

Guilt turned his stomach when he thought of Eloise. He'd go to her first thing in the morning and break things off. She was a good woman, but he couldn't marry her when his heart belonged to someone else. Surely, she'd prefer his honesty over entering into a marriage built on a lie.

Now that Rainer had been with Cecilia, no one else would do. He wanted time alone with her, away from the cold, away from that Unsummoner bracelet that took so much of her energy. She would probably light up in the warmer weather, and with access to her magic. Rainer would have the time to figure out what he actually wanted for himself instead of being crushed by the burden of endless striving.

Bolstered by the thought of it, he glanced at the first light of dawn creeping across the bedroom floor.

He leaned over and woke her with a gentle kiss. "Wake up, Cece. Daylight is coming and I need to get you back to your room."

She smiled, her eyes fluttering open as she stretched her arms overhead. There was so much he didn't know, but he knew the shape of her tucked against him. He knew the sleepy smile peeking through the mess of curls. He knew so many tiny familiar things despite the fact that he had no memories of them to call on.

"I didn't mean to sleep for so long," she mumbled.

Rainer shrugged. "It's fine. You were tired." He brushed her hair out of her eyes, grinning down at her. "I know you have things to do here still—but when you are finished with your work…run away with me. No more politics. No more court life. Just you and me and warmer weather and a home by the sea. We'll go back to Olney. I have plenty of money, but I can get a job somewhere. My family has land?—"

"I have a cottage," she said. "On the sea."

Rainer grinned. "Is that a yes?"

She sat up, climbing into his lap and kissing him deeply. "Of course, it's a yes. As soon as I finish what I have to do here. "

He pinned her body against his, kissing her like he was trying to bring her back to life, joy warming his chest and spreading through his whole body.

"Gods," he breathed between kisses. "How does it feel this good just to kiss you?"

She laughed, pulling away and winking at him. "Magic." She cocked her head to the side. "I need your help with something. I need Vincent to remove this Unsummoner bracelet. It's spelled so only he or the witch who created it can remove it."

Rainer frowned. "How do we do that?"

"Well, if you can take care of delivering my morning Godsbane today, I can avoid taking it and use my goddess power to give Vincent the memory of wanting to remove it for the day so that I can feel better. I just might need you to distract Grant while I do it."

The request made Rainer feel uncomfortable. He didn't like the idea of tricking the king. "Why are you on the side of the rebels?"

She frowned. "I'm not."

Rainer stared at her. She was so vexing. "But you're helping them."

"I'm helping Xander."

Rainer's frustration grew along with the buzz of anxiety in his chest. "Why do you care who is king?"

"Because one of those two men has only touched me with gentleness and the other has used his fists. I think you can learn a great deal about a man by how he loves. I do not wish to be ruled by a man who wields violence when compassion would be the more effective tool."

Rainer considered it. He loved her, but did he love her enough to betray the king who had given him nothing but support and encouragement?

"I swear that when you get your memory back it will all make sense," she said.

"Please, make it make sense."

She sighed and placed her hand over his heart. "You know that I can't, much as I want to. My tongue is bound by a bargain or I would tell you everything. Now can you bring my Godsbane or not? "

Rainer had seen her take a greenish-brown shot several mornings that Vincent referred to as some kind of nutrition, but usually Grant was the one who brought it to her.

"I will make that happen," he said.

Suddenly fear gripped him, his heart racing. Since he'd woken up, he'd never felt so much like he had something to lose.

He cupped Cecilia's face in his hands. "Please be careful not to tip your hand today. We have to act normal around each other."

She smiled at him. "I promise I know how to avoid trouble when I actually want to."

"And here I thought you made sport of hunting it down."

"Only when I want to get a rise out of you, Rain."

She kissed him again before rising from the bed, giving him a great view of her ass as she sauntered across the room to grab her robe. Before she could fasten it, he caught a glimpse of a scar on her right inner thigh, but she tied the robe and it was gone before he could see what it was. He had been too busy looking at the rest of her when she'd been on top of him, but now he desperately wanted to know what it was.

"What happened to your thigh?" he asked.

Her face hardened. "It's a scar from the attack."

"Can I see it?" Rainer asked.

She shook her head. "Not today."

Rainer understood. Even in asking about it, he could see the way her face clouded at the memory. They'd just had a beautiful night together. He didn't need to muddy it by dredging up bad memories.

"I'll show you the passageway to my room," she said with a grin.

Rainer just shook his head. He had no recollection of passageways, but that was clearly how she'd been getting around when he locked her in her room.

She pressed on the wall behind a tapestry on the far side of his room and the grinding of stone against stone revealed a dark corridor. Rainer trailed behind her, ducking his head to avoid the low ceiling joists. A moment later she paused in front of him, her pale fingers curling around a divot in the stone wall, and when she pressed it open, they emerged into her bedroom.

"Very tricky," Rainer said, trailing her into the room. "Go back to sleep. I will come wake you in a couple hours."

Cecilia tossed her robe on the chair next to her bed, giving him an eyeful as she slid under the blankets with a grin. "Good night, Rainer."

"Good night, Cece."

He made his way back to his room, careful to close the passageway behind him, and tried to prepare for a day of disappointing people.

Rainer's best attempts to fall back asleep were thwarted by the excited twisting in his stomach. He forced himself out of bed as bright sunlight cast the room in gold. He dressed quickly and was about to go speak with Vincent when a knock on the door startled him.

Opening it, he found a teary-eyed Eloise. Panic tore through him. There was no way she could know that Cecilia had visited him last night.

"What's wrong, El?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Will you come with me, please? I have something very important to tell you."

"Of course," he said, trying to give her an encouraging smile as he held out his arm, allowing her to guide him down the hallway.

The farther they traveled, the more tense Rainer felt. He fought to keep his pulse steady but his chest buzzed with anxiety that felt disproportionate to the threat.

Finally, they reached a sitting room in the corridor that led to the healer's suite, where Vincent was waiting with a woman whom Rainer struggled to place. He stared at her, searching his memories for her face. Her skin was pristine, free of wrinkles, her hair dark as night and without a hint of gray, but her violet eyes were knowing, almost ancient-looking .

"Rainer, we were sorry to disturb you so early this morning, but Eloise has brought something concerning to our attention," Vincent said. "I should have noticed it sooner, but it seems my fiancée has bewitched you."

Rainer frowned, shaking his head. "Your Majesty, I assure you that I find her very charming, but I would never presume?—"

"I know you were with her last night," Eloise interrupted, her eyes narrowed at him.

Rainer stared at her, unsure what strategy to employ. He had been so careful, but it was possible someone had heard them through the door. "Just because I respected you enough to leave you alone last night doesn't mean that I was with someone else."

Eloise threw her hands up and turned to Vincent. "You see what I mean. He's under her spell enough to lie to me, his fiancée, and you, his king."

Vincent frowned, rubbing his chin. He looked less angry than concerned. "Rainer, have you felt anything unusual, like there's a connection to Cecilia? Like you're drawn to her inexplicably?"

Rainer's stomach dropped. How could they know how he felt about her? He shook his head but it was clearly unconvincing because Vincent looked at him with nothing but pity.

"Raven Whitewind is an ancient witch and seer," Vincent said, gesturing to the woman with the uncanny eyes.

That was how Rainer knew her. He'd met her when he was a boy. He could only barely remember it—a half of a memory about going to her house to possibly be paired with a memory witch, but nothing after that. Raven looked the same as she had eighteen years earlier.

"Raven, do you sense a magical connection in Guardian McKay?" Vincent asked.

Raven frowned and pursed her lips, looking from Rainer to the king like she was wholly unimpressed with both of them. "Yes."

Rainer shook his head. "No, I would know if Cecilia used magic on me, plus she's cut off from her power."

Vincent held up his hands. "I understand that this type of magic can feel very compelling. You're right that she's quite charming, but a spell like this makes it impossible for you to resist. You might not believe it now, but just wait until you see her. It will all be clear."

Rainer felt sick. Cecilia was the first bit of certainty he'd felt since the attack. Perhaps that was the point. If what they were saying was true, she'd known him enough to tell him what he wanted to hear. " You are not a weapon ." He'd thought those words were an incantation giving him freedom, but now it seemed they were just the seductive manipulation of someone else who wanted something from him. He'd fallen for it so quickly.

They were going to bring Cecilia down here too. How could he protect her from whatever this was? Did he even want to?

Rainer's gaze darted around the room. Grant was notably absent. He must have been retrieving her.

Rainer wanted to deny everything they were saying, but even as he reached for the words to argue with them, he felt a stronger buzz of anxiety in his chest, like a life-form of its own.

All his certainty fled at once.