31. Rainer

31

RAINER

R ainer paced his room. Eloise was expecting him, hoping they could start their family without delay. Even though it was untraditional, he trusted a woman to know what she wanted and Eloise had decided on him.

It should have been easy. He should have just marched down to her room and done exactly what she wanted. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He needed to get his head right. He was marrying Eloise in five days, and yet all he could think about was Cecilia.

All day he'd tried to write it off as lust from seeing her on her knees in front of him. But that wasn't on Rainer's mind now. Instead, he kept going over the story that was stitched into her dress and the golden scar over her heart that matched his. He was connected to her in a way he didn't fully understand. All he knew was that when he thought of Eloise, he felt nothing but mild affection. But when he thought of Cecilia, his whole body felt lit from within, her fire and magnetism drawing him in recklessly with not a care for his duty or his plans.

Until he had kissed Cecilia in the rain, he had not known that he could feel sweet relief and aching chaos at the same time. His body knew something his mind did not. It knew her taste, her rhythm, the way she sighed against his mouth.

Rainer tore out of the room and down the stairs to Eloise's room. As soon as he got to her door, he lost the will to do the right thing or even the ability to know what the right thing was.

He knocked on the door. Eloise opened it, leaning against the doorframe with a smile on her face.

She saw it in his expression immediately. "You aren't staying?"

"I'm sorry. I swear I will make it up to you, but I wouldn't feel right about it now."

She sighed and brushed a hand over his cheek. "You don't have to keep trying to win me over."

Rainer shook his head. "I'm not. I may not remember much from my life, but I know when I was younger I did not do things the right way and I regret that. I'm afraid rushing into this would make me too apprehensive to enjoy it or be fully present with you."

He was a little disturbed by how easily the lie came to him, but it wasn't as if he could tell her that he couldn't get Cecilia and her storybook dress out of his head.

Eloise sighed and parted her robe to reveal a delicate lace slip. "Are you sure I cannot change your mind and corrupt you for the evening?"

Rainer leaned in and kissed her cheek. "In a few days you can do all the corrupting you like."

She hid her disappointment with a tight smile as she nodded and closed the door.

Walking back to his room, he felt wretched, like his insides had been scooped out and replaced with brambles. Deep down he knew he'd feel worse if he'd gone through with what she wanted.

He closed and locked his bedroom door, leaning his head against the wood. A grinding sound on the other side of the room made him jump.

He blinked his eyes open as Cecilia stepped out from behind a tapestry on the far side of the room. She grinned at him, her face a mix of panic and relief .

"How did you—" Rainer cut himself off.

He knew the castle had passageways, but given that he could barely memorize the basic layout, he hadn't felt ready to learn them all. Clearly, Cecilia knew them well, and that was how she'd managed to do all of her sneaking around. He felt foolish for not realizing it sooner, but it was on Vincent for not warning him that she had another way to escape her rooms.

Cecilia stepped forward tentatively, tightening the sash on her crimson silk robe.

"Cece, what are you doing here?"

She let out a sigh. "I was worried you wouldn't be here. I was worried you'd be with her. I told myself if you weren't here, it would be a sign that I should give you up. But you're here."

He closed the distance between them, stopping himself before he touched her. It was a hard habit to get used to when the impulse to touch her was so strong.

Rainer ran a hand through his hair. "I couldn't do it. I just couldn't imagine being with someone else when the only one I'm thinking about is you. It wouldn't be right."

Her bright blue eyes met his and he felt her relief, which was as familiar as his own. "Why?"

"Can I touch you? Can I kiss you?" he asked. "I'll only touch your hair and your face and neck."

She nodded. He pulled out the pins holding her hair up and loosened her curls with his fingers. She smiled at him and he kissed her, soft and slow, like he'd done it hundreds of times.

It wasn't enough. They had so little time left.

The depth of his feelings for her was irrational. Rainer didn't understand it, but he also knew that it was remarkably different from how he felt for his fiancée.

He pulled away and met Cecilia's eyes again.

"Why?" she repeated. "Why can't you stop thinking about me?"

"Because you devastate me." He swallowed hard, all his love and terror stuck in his throat. "Because I think I loved you before…but I know I love you now. And I am condemned by my love for you. "

She stood frozen in front of him as if she could sense every bit of the ragged agony of being torn between honor and duty. As if she could feel the way she's shredded the very essence of who he thought he was.

Then she pressed to her toes, took his face in her hands, and kissed him softly.

Cecilia stepped away and untied her robe. It slid open, revealing red lace against her pale skin. All Rainer could do was stare at her.

Finally, he got his mouth to move. "You're naked," he said dumbly.

She giggled. "Well, there are some strategically placed bits of lace, but mostly, yes."

"Why? I thought that—" He didn't finish.

He knew she didn't like to talk about whatever had happened to her. So he assumed she wouldn't be up for anything beyond kissing.

She looked at him with apprehension in her eyes as she unbuttoned his pants and shimmied them down his hips so that he stood before her in his underwear.

"Don't get me wrong. I am extremely pleasantly surprised," Rainer said. "I just thought you couldn't?—"

She brought a hand to his chest. "I don't know what I can do, but I knew I would regret it if I didn't at least try to be close to you just once before I lose you."

"I don't want you to feel pressured."

"I don't. I want to try something."

Cecilia gently guided Rainer toward the bed and helped him out of his shirt. His heart pounded in his ears as she slid her hands over his skin. They trailed down his back, taking inventory of the scars there. Normally he couldn't stand to be reminded of them, but her touch was so soothing. She gasped as if feeling each one hurt her too.

She turned him around, continuing to explore his back. Apprehension twisted tight in his chest, but the desire to connect overcame his warrior's instinct to never give his back to someone who could hurt him.

Her lips replaced her hands. She kissed every scar, mapping the history of his pain with her mouth, trying to erase each ache with affection. She murmured words, her voice so soft he couldn't make out what she was saying until she reached the top of his back and whispered "I love you" to the scar across his shoulder blades.

Of all the things he'd been taught to fear, he'd never once considered that someone could break him with a kiss.

"Lay on your back," she said finally, satisfied that she'd thoroughly undone him.

He laid back, staring up at her. Before he could overthink anything, Cecilia straddled him. She laughed at his wide eyes. He couldn't believe she was in his bed, in just a red lace slip, on top of him. He could barely breathe.

She took his hands and guided them up to the pillow to frame his face. "Keep your hands here."

He nodded, unable to speak, eager to know what she was going to do.

She sat back and looked down at him. "I want you to touch me, but I don't know if it will frighten me, so I had another idea. I thought you could tell me where and how to touch myself while you watch."

Rainer stared at her, wide-eyed, breathless. It was the hottest thing he'd ever heard. She would be comfortable, and he could watch. It was a way he could bring her pleasure without ever touching her. His cock was already hard at the thought.

"Well at least part of you is up for it," she teased.

He finally spoke. "Sorry, I just was not expecting that. I would love to do that."

She grinned and leaned forward to kiss him. He shuddered as her breasts brushed over his chest, sending all the blood in his body south as he moaned against her lips. Warmth spread through his body and he felt lit from within with joy and excitement. He wished he could touch her, but he forced his hands into fists where they were framing his face. She kissed down his neck and chest, pausing to tease his golden scar with her tongue. He choked out a curse, arching toward her mouth.

She moved farther south, tracing her tongue down the lines of his abdomen. For a moment Rainer thought he might get off just from the suggestion of where she was heading. Just the thought of how good it felt when her mouth was on him might have been enough.

Instead of continuing, she sat back up again, settling herself over his cock.

"Gods, you are so beautiful," he sighed.

She ran her fingers over her collarbone. "Where would you start if you were touching me?"

"I'd run my hands through your hair and kiss you for as long as you'd let me." He smiled.

"Well, that you're allowed to do."

He sat and pulled her into a kiss, teasing and biting her lips until they were both breathless and he was struggling not to grab her ass and force her to grind against him. She pressed him onto his back.

"Now what?"

"Touch your neck and breasts and take off that lace."

Her hooded eyes stayed locked on his. She looked unbearably sexy. Rainer needed to calm down if he was going to last. Everything was making him much too hot.

She puffed her lips out in a pout as she brushed her hands over her breasts, her nipples pressing against the lace. She shrugged one shoulder out of its strap, grinning at what was surely a stupefied look on his face. Slipping out of the other strap, she rolled her hips against him. He lifted his hips to meet the movement as she pulled off the slip, freeing her breasts.

Rainer could only stare. The trust that she placed in him felt so sacred. He was the first person she was attempting intimacy with after whatever happened. She was putting him in the driver's seat in a way that felt safe to her.

Her body was incredible. She was petite, but her strength was obvious in the tone of her stomach and legs and her movements were fluid and sexy.

"Cup your breasts and play with your nipples," he said, his voice hoarse.

She smiled as she brought her hands to her breasts and rolled her nipples between her fingers. She let out a soft moan. Her movements were natural, as if she did it all the time.

"Show me how you like to be touched."

She paused before skimming her hands down her sides. Her fingers grazed up and down her inner thighs. She rubbed herself against his hardness and he gasped.

Her fingers dipped between her legs and she rubbed her clit. The friction worked her but also brushed against him as she moved. She rolled her hips as she rubbed.

Her breath grew shallow, her cheeks growing pinker as sweat beaded on her brow.

"Faster," he said, the word a command more than a request. Her eyes lit at the tone of his voice. "Yes, perfect."

Her lips parted in a soft, low moan.

"Slide a finger inside."

Her eyes locked on his as she followed his command. Her lower lip kicked out in a pout and he wanted to sink his teeth into it.

"How does it feel?"

"So good," she whimpered. "I wish it was yours."

"Good, now in and out and use your other hand to rub yourself."

She shifted so she could use both hands and he panted breathlessly as he watched.

"Rain." She said his name in such a desperate, breathy way that it stoked something primal inside him.

"Holy fuck, Cece," he groaned. "Can I sit up? I need my body against yours. I'll keep my hands behind me but I want you to touch me and kiss me while you make yourself come. Please."

"Yes," she said.

He sat with a start, keeping his hands behind him, propping himself up, and she wove her hands through his hair. She pulled him into a scorching kiss and her nipples pebbled against his chest. It just felt right having her pressed against him.

She rolled her hips and he met her movement. The only thing left between them was his underwear. She moved faster and he matched her pace as he kissed her neck .

"Yes, make yourself come," he whispered.

Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes locked on his in concentration. She panted as she matched his rhythm. He could feel her wetness through his underwear. He was so close. He felt like he was a teenager again, about to come from just making out with someone, but she was so unbelievably sexy he couldn't help it.

She moaned his name and her back arched, her chest pressing against his as she dug her nails into his shoulders and rode out her climax. He was so close, his body wound so tightly, pleasure coursing through his blood like fire.

Finally, she met his eyes again, increasing her pace for him this time.

He came undone with a groan he felt all the way down to his toes.

Cecilia leaned her forehead against his. They both struggled to catch their breath.

"Can I touch your face and neck and hair?" he asked.

She nodded breathlessly and he pulled her into a scorching kiss.

When he pulled away, her face was dazed. "That went even better than I thought it would."

"That was incredible. I don't think I've ever been more turned on in my life," he admitted. "How do you feel?"

"I feel great," she said. "I felt fine the whole time." She looked both relieved and triumphant.

He pressed her hand to his cheek. "Cece, I know that was hard for you and I'm just honored that you did that with me. I know someone hurt you. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to let me be so close to you—to let me touch you like that."

Her face softened. "You make it easier. I trust you, Rain."

"I know. And that's a privilege."

She grinned at him sleepily. "I would regret it if I didn't at least try with you. I love you."

His heart thundered at the words. She loved him. It was relief and also torture because in two days he would lose her.

"I love you, too. I know that I knew you before. I know I was in love with you. I wish I remembered more. "

Cecilia smiled as she curled up under the blanket beside him.

"How do you imagine your future?" The question slipped out, the burn of it in his throat like poison he couldn't wait to spit out. He hated how afraid he was that this was a fleeting affair, that she'd move on to being queen and forget him completely. The sheer panic of losing her was so immense he could barely breathe as he waited for her to answer.

"I've imagined so many futures," she said softly. "It's funny how they shift and change. For so long I wanted great adventures and experiences, and now I think I would like a quiet life by the sea. I'd like to work in a healer clinic and help those losing their memories."

Rainer shifted onto an elbow so he could see her eyes better. "And you want to get married? Have a family?"

It was so irrational to want those things with her and yet he'd felt from the first moment he saw her stretching in the training room as if she already belonged to him, or perhaps that he belonged to her. And now, all the longing for status—all the worthless ambition in the hope of some sort of validation—had been replaced with longing for her.

She smiled, but her eyes were full of sadness that he didn't understand.

Rainer swallowed hard. "I'm sorry. I've upset you."

She shook her head. "You haven't. I've thought about it quite a bit. I would love to build a family. When I was with—" She paused as if struggling for the right words. "When I was with my love before, I was very foolish. We had been through a lot together and I worried that I wasn't ready to marry him, that I had too much hurt inside me—too much baggage that it wasn't fair to ask him to carry it around with me. Now he's lost to me and all the things that prevented me from taking the next steps seem so silly."

Rainer kissed her palm. "You can't blame yourself. The right answers are always clearer in hindsight. I'm sure you did your best."

She smiled weakly. "What about you?"

"I've never met a family member. Having children will be the first time I ever meet someone I'm related to. The man who raised me was not a good example of what a father should be, but I like to think he's at least taught me what not to do. I think I could do a better job."

When he met her glassy eyes, he felt like he'd shared too much—been too vulnerable too soon. But she placed her hand on his chest and a calm sensation wrapped around his heart.

"I have no doubt that you'd be the most wonderful father," she whispered.

"My adoptive mother was lovely, but I've never had that kind of connectedness that other people do. I was always alone."

Cecilia looked at him like his sadness was her own, her big cerulean eyes full of pain. "Loneliness is an awful burden to bear. I'm sorry you were alone."

She was quiet for a long time and Rainer had the distinct feeling he'd said something wrong, though he could not figure out what. He retraced his words. Perhaps it was just that she missed her late fiancé.

She traced the scar on his chest with her finger, her eyes clouded with unshed tears. "Oh, Rain, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to walk away from you." He rolled onto his back and scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration. "I need to remember. I hate that I can't."

Her small hand came to his cheek. "It's going to be okay. You'll remember. I know you will."

"I'm afraid to lose you when I just got you."

She smiled but there were tears in her eyes. "You'll always have me. You have my whole heart. No matter where you are, you'll still have it."

He wanted to believe her, but she was engaged to the king, and she hardly knew Rainer. In two days, he would marry Eloise. Rainer would no longer be beside Cecilia all day every day. Panic rose in his chest at the thought.

You don't have to marry Eloise .

The notion was like a splinter shoved into his mind. He couldn't stop picking at it, trying to get it out. If he didn't marry Eloise, he'd be going against the king—a king who was still engaged to Cecilia .

"Why are you engaged to Vincent?" Rainer asked.

She sighed, twirling her ring around her finger, a crease forming in her brow. "It was the best bad option available to me."

"But he hurts you."

"And I endure it."

"Why?" Rainer asked.

She frowned and squeezed her eyes shut like she was in pain. The silence stretched between them until, finally, her eyes snapped open. "To be close to you."

A potent mix of guilt and joy hit Rainer in the chest. She'd subjected herself to the king's wrath, to being dressed up and paraded around like a doll, to enduring whispers from the court, just to be close to Rainer.

"Don't marry him."

She sat up and looked at him with fierce conviction in her eyes. "Don't marry her."

Rainer rose to his knees and took her hands in his. "Run away with me. We can go back to Olney."

Her smile turned sorrowful. "I want to, but I can't. Not yet."

"What's holding you back?"

She squeezed his hands, brushing her thumb over his inner wrist. "Xander needs my help to rebuild after the attack."

"Don't you mean Vincent?"

She hesitated, looking down at their hands for a long moment before meeting his eyes again. "No, I don't. I mean Xander needs my help to fix things and as much as I want to run away with you and pretend it isn't my problem, deep down it is. There is nowhere we could go to outrun it."

Irrational jealousy settled like a stone in Rainer's stomach. Was she admitting that she was a traitor? Was she still in love with the prince? He was torn between envy and anxiety.

"Don't misunderstand," she said. "For all his flirting, Xander and I are just friends. He's a good man and I trust him with my life."

Rainer waited for her to say more, but she was studying him like she could read every emotion that slid across his face .

He couldn't bear the scrutiny. He didn't want her to assess him and come up short—to be disappointed that he cared she was working against the king. He owed Vincent his loyalty, but that loyalty felt like betraying her. And loyalty to her felt like betraying the man who had given Rainer his full support and every opportunity to make up for his mistakes since he'd awoken.

For that matter, how did Cecilia forgive him for failing her so completely during the rebellion?

"I'm sorry that I failed you."

A crease formed in her brow.

"During the attack."

Her face softened. "You didn't. You—" Her voice cut off and she huffed a frustrated sigh. "There was nothing else you could have done. I've never blamed you."

She was sincere, but it made him feel no absolution because he could not forgive himself. "Can I ask you something and you'll answer honestly?"

She laid back on the bed, her eyelids drooping as she snuggled into the blankets, pressing her cold feet to his leg. It was such a familiar, intimate gesture it bolstered his courage to ask the question.

"Did you tell me the story about the village where it rains stars?"

Her eyes remained closed and she held perfectly still. "No, you told me. In the library, remember?"

"I mean, did you tell me the story to lead me out of the dark? After the attack. I think it was your voice. I think it was this hand on my chest," he said, cupping her hand in his and placing it over his heart. "I think you knew how to get to me. Was it you?"

The question had been looming over him ever since Magdalena told him that Eloise hadn't told him the story or sat with him until he'd woken up. He desperately wanted to know who had made him feel safe and loved when he could not even find his way out of the dark of his own mind.

Cecilia slowly turned her head to look at him. She opened her mouth and the barest whisper slipped out. "Yes. "

He hadn't expected that she'd be able to answer and, judging from her shocked wide eyes, she hadn't either.

"There is no darkness I won't follow you into," she said. "I will always come for you."

The words stirred an ache behind Rainer's eyes, like somewhere in the darkness those words connected to a memory. He waited, trying to force his mind to work—to connect the jagged ends of those words to some broader tapestry of memory. But the longer he waited, the more the ache abated until he was left with nothing but Cecilia's soft breathing.

"Thank you for saving me. I wish I could save you back," he whispered.

Her breathing grew soft and shallow. Just when he thought she'd drifted off to sleep, she whispered, "You save me every day."