27. Rainer

27

RAINER

R ainer had never been so simultaneously certain that he had done both the right thing and the wrong thing. Cecilia had avoided him for three days, choosing to stay in her room instead of dragging him all over the castle. Time dripped without her antics, which had somehow gone from making him crazy to being the only thing that made him laugh.

He felt so guilty. He never would have guessed that Cecilia had been sneaking around for counseling instead of spying. When he killed Magdalena, he'd robbed Cecilia of the opportunity to heal her mind. He was just doing his job to keep the kingdom safe, but more and more often it seemed that doing that job meant hurting Cecilia.

Perhaps Rainer didn't deserve her forgiveness, but he wanted to try for it anyway.

The memory of their kisses echoed through his body, reverberating in every moment when he could not busy himself with some activity.

Unsure how to apologize for murdering someone, he bought a bouquet of two dozen white roses in the market and made his way to her room after dinner when there were fewer servants in the hall to gossip. The last thing he needed was for word of this to get back to Eloise. He hesitated outside Cecilia's door, suddenly tongue-tied. He took a bracing breath and forced himself to knock.

After a few moments of silence, he thought perhaps she was still freezing him out and refusing to answer as she had all week—only sending short, curt replies from the other side of the thick wood door.

Rustling came from the other side of the door and Cecilia appeared, wrapped in a dark blue silk robe, her hair pinned up on top of her head.

"I apologize. Clearly you were getting ready to sleep," Rainer mumbled.

Her gaze raked over him, coming to rest on the roses in his hand. "Doing some gardening?"

"They're for you. May I come in? I'll just take a moment of your time, I promise."

He didn't just want a moment. He wanted all of her time, all of her attention, all of her humor and every wild thought in her head. He'd tried to will away the wanting, but the more he wished it would pass, the more it rooted into him.

She opened the door wider and he hurried inside, closing the door behind him.

He thrust the bouquet toward her. "I surrender. I'm certain I was wrong, though I'm uncertain what I should have done instead. Still, I'm sorry that I hurt you and took away someone who was helping you heal."

Cecilia took the roses from his hands, taking a deep breath of their scent before placing them in a pitcher of water sitting on a side table in her sitting room.

"Thank you. They're beautiful." She leaned against the table; the distance between them seemed cavernous.

Rainer took a tentative step toward her. "What else can I say? I've turned myself inside out searching for the words."

She pursed her lips. "And yet you found so few."

He froze. "What words could take the place of a life?"

"None," she said. "But you can't just give me roses to make up for killing someone. "

The blue silk robe brought out her eyes. Even in the harsh orange firelight they were radiant as the sea. The empty, cavernous feeling that had settled in his chest over the past few days finally warmed in her presence.

"What do you want from me?" Rainer asked.

She turned away from him, running her fingers over the roses. "I didn't want to talk to anyone about what happened to me. No one tells you the way that pain can tie your tongue in knots—how you can feel so much and have no words for it."

Rainer held his breath, afraid even the slightest disturbance would stop her from speaking about the rebellion.

"It felt like it was all trapped inside me. I thought that speaking about the—attack out loud would make it truer, or at least it would make it more true to everyone else. I was so busy protecting everyone with my silence that I didn't realize I was hurting myself by carrying the burden of it alone. If Magdalena hadn't forced me out of my comfort zone, I wouldn't have realized that."

Rainer wrung his hands, wishing for something to carve, but all he had was the star flower in his pocket and it was already finished, or as finished as he could make it.

He pulled it out and handed it to Cecilia. A faint smile broke over her face as she held it up in the firelight.

"It's beautiful." She crossed the room and set it on her nightstand. "It's your best one yet."

Rainer froze, the words cutting through him. Your best one yet . Meaning she knew that he'd made others. They'd known each other well enough before the rebellion that she was aware of his hobbies.

Cecilia turned back to face him, seemingly unaware that she'd given him a crumb of their history as she crossed the room with a small vial in her hands.

Rainer lowered himself to his knees. "I'm truly sorry. How can I make you believe me?"

Her eyes burned into him. "Will you think for yourself the next time he bids you do something?"

Rainer frowned. "He's my king. "

She sighed, tilting the vial in her hand from side to side. The liquid inside glowed yellow. "When will it be enough, Rainer? What are you trying to prove, and to who? Wouldn't you like to be worthy of someone's love and respect without having to earn it, or does it only feel worth it if you're constantly having to prove yourself? Have you ever wondered why that is?"

The words crawled under his skin, growing itchy the more he considered them.

She pulled a dropper from the vial and dribbled some of the yellow liquid into her palms, set the vial on the table beside them, and rubbed her hands together. Then she reached out and took his right hand between hers, massaging his callused palms with the oil. An earthy herbal smell hit him as she gently worked on his tense hands.

"What would you do for yourself? Just because you wanted to—not because you had to prove something?" she asked.

Rainer climbed to his feet and stared at her. She was incandescent with conviction, and she made it look so easy. But he had no context for his past and relied entirely on proving who he was now. The only conviction he had was that which he'd gained since waking up.

"What would I do?" he asked.

"Yes. If you stopped thinking about pleasing everyone else."

He closed his eyes, considering. Lust rushed through his chest as he imagined it.

Eloise was stunning, poised, honest. She was everything a lady should be. She was an easy woman to want, and she'd spark desire in any man who laid eyes on her. It wasn't that he didn't find her attractive. He just didn't find her distracting.

There were things he knew in his head and things he knew in his heart. But wanting Cecilia was a thing he knew in his soul.

Before he could think better of it, he opened his eyes, cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her. She gasped in surprise, then slowly relaxed into him.

Rainer felt simultaneously relieved and angry that it felt so good to kiss Cecilia. How could kissing perfect Eloise feel so wrong and kissing the king's fiancée feel so incredibly right?

He fought to keep his hands from wandering too far, only moving them to lift her onto the table so that she was closer to his height.

Everything in his body begged him not to ever stop. As if removing his lips from hers would break something fragile inside him that he'd just excavated.

She tilted her chin, parting her lips to let him take the kiss deeper. He wanted to devour her. The sweetness of her mouth, each quick breath she took. He swallowed up every sigh and whimper, wishing he could touch more of her but not daring for fear he'd scare her away.

She had no qualms about touching him, though, her greedy hands sliding up his tunic, raising goosebumps on his skin. Leaning back, she hooked one leg over his hip and drew him toward her. He ground against her mindlessly. He wanted to look right into those bright blue eyes and see what she felt reflected there.

The pulse in his chest became a living thing, separate from him, wrapped around his heart. It stretched and throbbed. It ached for the woman he was kissing, as if it connected directly to something that lived in her, too.

They fought for control over the kiss. It was a brand-new type of battle for Rainer. He gained the upper hand by using his height and her surprise to his advantage; Cecilia wrested it back by touching him anywhere.

After dreaming of it for so long, he could perfectly picture her smiling up at him, the flush of her cheeks and the sound of her soft sigh. He was as curious to know what it would feel like to hold her while she slept as it would be to wake up to her smiling face.

Her fingers moved idly against his sides. Soothing, intoxicating, familiar. Everything about her was so godsdamned familiar .

Living that way was maddening. He was eternally on the precipice of remembering something terribly important, certain he'd forgotten something that would ruin him.

As if sensing his thoughts, one of her hands trailed downward, seeking out the painful, rapidly growing bulge in his pants. She rubbed him with startling confidence, like she knew exactly what he liked. He pressed hungry kisses down her neck, and she let out a moan that nearly made him lose his composure. Her robe had come untied and slipped off her shoulders, revealing a lace and silk nightgown beneath, her nipples pressing against the delicate fabric. He fought the urge to touch them as he kissed his way back to her mouth.

She sank her teeth into his lip and tugged and he groaned into her mouth. It was nearly impossible not to hike up her nightgown and bury his face between her thighs. He wanted to taste her, to hear what sounds she'd make when she climaxed, to know if she'd be soft and quiet or passionate and loud.

She finally broke the kiss, her hand moving faster, and Rainer realized she had pulled away to watch his face as she stroked him.

"Fuck," he whispered, and she grinned.

He wished he could touch her back, but he didn't want her to stop, so instead he gave her hair a slight tug. That was all the encouragement she needed. She unbuttoned his pants and pulled him free, wrapping her hand around him. She held his gaze the whole time.

Her hands were small and soft except for a few calluses on her fingers. Her gaze was a fire burning through him. He couldn't stop wondering what kind of filthy things would come out of her mouth if he could get inside her.

Cecilia worked him faster.

"You make me so fucking hard," he rasped, the words strained. "I wish I could touch you. I'd go down on you until you were too exhausted to stand."

A sly grin tugged at her swollen lips. "I'd prefer you only touch my face and hair and neck."

Then, to his immense surprise, she hopped off the desk, turning him back so his hips rested against it, and lowered herself to her knees.

Rainer cursed, nearly falling over from surprise as she took him into her mouth. He brought a hand to her hair. She looked so sexy, and he was mesmerized by the wet slide of her tongue. She licked and sucked his cock like she knew exactly what he liked, torturing him with her perfection.

The more often she seemed to read his mind, the less convinced he was it was supernatural. He had to have had some sort of relationship with her—and if the way she'd mastered his pleasure was any indication, it seemed to be an intimate one. That explained why she was so flirtatious with him. But it didn't explain when they'd had a relationship since she'd been engaged to a man who died in the attack, and was involved with the prince, and had since been engaged to Vincent.

If Rainer had any sense at all he wouldn't be standing there like an idiot, letting the king's fiancée suck his cock, but he was lost to her. Cecilia was fully in control, and the triumphant look in her eyes suggested she liked him powerless to her whims.

She swirled her tongue before taking him deep again.

He groaned. "How are you so good at that?"

She let out a soft moan around him, sending a bolt of pleasure up his spine. She was getting satisfaction out of pleasing him.

"Gods—" he groaned.

Cecilia drew back and smirked up at him, sliding her hand over his cock. "There are no gods here, Rainer. They've all been cast out of this castle. If you're going to beg for mercy, it better be my name on your lips."

Cecilia was so sexy and Rainer was entirely at her mercy. She took him deep again before he could even catch his breath. She bobbed her head and hollowed out her cheeks, her eyes locked on his. Rainer fought the urge to thrust his hips forward, seeking more of her hot mouth.

As if sensing his desire, she raked her fingernails over the backs of his thighs and his hand fisted in her hair.

"Fuck, Cece! I'm going to?—"

But Cecilia seemed to know that would do it and was already taking him deep, not allowing him to pull away as he groaned out his release .

When she was finished, she looked up at him and licked her lips.

Rainer stared at her, panting, speechless. Cecilia looked like a lady, fought like a warrior, but sucked dick like she could read his mind. He had no idea what to make of her, but he was pretty sure he was falling in love with her. Maybe he already was. Maybe he always had been.

Maybe was a lie he told himself to make his life less complicated.

But he'd felt the flicker of it in that moment she'd pressed her hand to his chest and said, " You are not a weapon ." He couldn't remember anyone ever looking at him like he was worth more than his violence, more than the blood he could spill, more than his ability to turn the tide of a battle.

Since he'd woken after the attack, he'd only been aware of all the ways he was lacking and all there was to strive for. But Cecilia's desire for him to remember seemed born entirely out of wanting him to be at peace.

He helped her back to her feet and she grinned at what was surely a truly idiotic look on his face. She was an absolute marvel and Rainer was in over his head.

"What?" she asked.

He shook his head, trying to force himself into silence. He didn't know what finally made him say it, but it might have been the look in her eyes, bottomless and blue and so expressive.

"I think if I'm not careful I could fall in love with you," he said breathlessly.

She smiled and joy pulsed in his chest.

He leaned in closer, brushing his lips against hers. "I think if I'm not careful I could fall in love with you over and over again, every day, for the rest of my life."

She grinned as she pulled back and met his eyes. "Maybe you should."

"Maybe I should," he repeated.

His gaze dropped to her lips again. He needed to leave the room. If he stayed, he didn't know what would happen, but it was already impossible to keep his hands to himself. He wanted to make her come fourteen different ways, but he couldn't bear the thought of making her uncomfortable.

"Can I?—"

She shook her head. "It's not that I don't want to. I just don't know if I can yet, and that was so nice. I don't want to spoil a good time."

He wanted to say something clever, but he had nothing to offer but hatred for whoever had made her so afraid. He realized what courage and trust she'd placed in him just then. He swallowed around the lump in his throat.

The realization made him certain. They had to have been together. She wouldn't have been able to do any of that if she didn't already trust him. She had to have known him well enough and had enough of an established relationship to feel comfortable doing something scandalous to begin with.

When he met her eyes again, he knew the thing he'd felt the first time he'd seen her up close. He knew the space around his heart buzzed to life around her because he was in love with her.

As if sensing his attention, that same space in his chest buzzed to life with a pulse of warmth. He closed his eyes and brought his hand to his heart. He could live in that feeling, but it might get them both killed.

"I should go back to my room, though I admit I feel silly that I came to apologize and you did all the work."

Cecilia smirked. "Pleasant dreams, Rainer."

He almost laughed, but she gave him a look that said she knew exactly what he'd be dreaming about. She winked as she closed the door and left him in the hallway with his bewilderment and unspent desire.