26. Xander

26

XANDER

A fter Cato restored their appearances, Xander and Isla walked back toward their room. Xander was silent, trying to process all he'd lost and all he'd gained. His mind was a mess of memory and longing. The past few days twisted together in an impossible tangle.

He had one week to plan their attack and it felt like both an eternity and the blink of an eye. There were so many moving parts to consider.

Xander had seen the death of someone he loved up close too many times. Between one blink and the next, the woman who'd brought him into the world made her way out with nothing but Cece's soft gasp to mark her departure.

Magdalena left a vicious hole in their lives. There wasn't one of them whom she hadn't touched. Evan had been stoic about her death, but Xander knew how close his friend was with the healer, who'd been one of the only true caretakers in his life.

When Xander was a child, she'd let him indiscreetly spy on her when he was curious about his magic. She had always seemed like a fixture. He had thought that Magdalena would bring his child into the world as she had him, but now she was gone and Xander felt helpless in the tide of chaos Vincent had brought to Argaria.

Grief tore away pieces of him each time it sank its claws in. Losing Magdalena was a surprising and unexpected blow, and her death brought the reminder that violence could come for any one of them at any moment.

It wasn't that Xander hadn't felt the pressing anxiety of that fact since Vincent's takeover, but each day, it felt more urgent. Between Magdalena's death and Reese's narrow escape, Xander felt adrift.

All of that combined with Evan's wedding and the joy of watching his best friend marry someone wonderful made Xander want to cling to anything that might offer solace.

He knew not to treat Isla like a life raft when he was lost at sea, but old habits died hard. The moment his bedroom door closed behind them, his hands were already reaching to tear off her dress.

Some feelings were too big. It wasn't just that Xander lacked the language; it was that there were no words to sum up the feeling of grief and failure and joy all at once. There was nothing to describe the potent terror of recklessly falling for another beautiful, dangerous woman.

Just once he wished he had a thing for timid, docile women who wanted rapt attention. Instead his heart was set on falling in love with every fierce, independent woman who very much did not need him.

His thoughts were a tempest. He itched for the relief of magic.

The only thing that brought him back was Isla's touch, her breath in his ear, the way she moved with him like the two of them heard a melody that no one else could. He wanted to be lost in her for whatever short moments he could carve out of the chaos.

They stumbled across the room, pulling off the last of their clothing. Xander laid Isla back on the bed for the fourth time that day.

The danger around them all the time had stoked his desire to a fever pitch. He could not get enough of Isla, of being had by her. Her appeal was unique. Her strength and confidence meant she very much did not need him to know what she wanted. She'd demand and she certainly knew how to make his knees weak with her displays of flexibility and dexterity.

It was strange how quickly their movements had become practiced. In such a short period of time he'd come to know her body, its rhythm. Their attraction had a heartbeat of its own.

What was between them was surprisingly soft, passion easily shifting to tenderness without warning in a way that left him feeling like he was trying to sail on unseasoned legs.

Isla lay beneath him, her hair splayed out around her in a halo.

He was so overcome by the swell of affection in his chest. He'd always been too much and holding the words back felt like holding back a flood.

"Gods, you're so beautiful. Be my consort."

All of the momentum between them ground to a halt. She froze, staring up at him.

"Excuse me?" Isla choked out.

"Be my consort. It's a position of great respect and it's meant for the king's lover."

She frowned. "You'd have me be your prized whore?"

Xander shook his head. "No, you don't understand. Our people recognize the king's consort. She's second only to the queen and you already know that my relationship with your cousin is purely a friendship."

"Can we not have this conversation while you're inside me?" Isla said, pressing him away. She sat up, crossing the room to the closet and wrapping herself in her robe. She stood for a moment in front of the hearth before returning to the bed.

She looked so beautiful backlit by the firelight. He waited for her to speak, his heart in his throat.

She crossed her arms. "This request—more a command, actually—is not as romantic as you think."

Xander brushed his damp hair back from his forehead. "I'll admit my timing was poor?—"

"Do you think I'm the type of woman who is happy to be a backup plan? "

Xander pressed his hand over the scar on his chest. "But you're not a backup plan. You would be first in my heart."

"And yet the world would look at me like I'm a consolation prize," Isla snapped. "Do I seem like the kind of woman whom one makes a mistress, Xander?"

Xander frowned, suddenly seeing the immensity of his error. "No, I don't think that. I'm sorry. I was only thinking of myself."

"I should be leading a godsdamned army. I am an elite warrior. I can't believe you want me to be your backup plan."

The conviction in her voice hit him like a gut punch.

"I don't," he said. "I swear. I care for you—so much that I wish I could make a selfish decision and abandon my responsibility to be with you. But every decision I've made in the past year has been for the best of my kingdom and I have made big sacrifices—so have the people I care about. Being king means that I'm always giving up what I want in service of what my kingdom needs. I wish I were someone else so I could put you first, but I don't have that luxury."

Her arms remained crossed in front of her chest like a shield. "Then perhaps this affair has run its course. It was fun while it lasted, but I don't want either of us to be confused about what this is."

"Isla—"

She held her hands up as if to ward against his affectionate tone. "Please don't argue. I was happy to be a place for you to temporarily bury your worries, but I can't be what you need. Once Jessamin is safe and settled and Argaria is at peace, I will return to Novum and take up the mantle of leading the Novumi army."

Xander stood, letting the covers fall away, ignoring his nakedness. He closed the space between them and took her hands in his.

"Lead my army, then. Just stay a while and be with me. Let us see what this can grow into."

Isla's face hardened. "I understand that you are king and perhaps you are unaccustomed to hearing ‘no,' so allow me to familiarize you, Your Grace. My answer is no."

Xander sighed and shook his head. "You'd be surprised to know that I have heard that quite often in my life, but I should warn you the last woman who said that to me ended up marrying me."

A smile ghosted across Isla's lips, but it was quickly chased away by a frown. "That is my final answer. I had plans before you and I have no intention of changing them on the whim of a king who was in love with his ex-wife until a month ago."

Xander swallowed hard. He wanted to argue with her, but there was nothing to say. It wasn't Isla's responsibility to sacrifice being someone's first choice just so that he could have happiness in his life. He was hardly the world's safest bet.

To an outsider it might seem that he jumped from love to love like he was swinging between branches in the forest. In reality, he'd loved once and now that he recognized the feeling again—the possibility of it ending in real happiness—he didn't want to lose a chance at that after everything else he'd lost.

He saw all of his mistakes so clearly now. Losing Cece had been a brutal price to pay to learn it, but he finally felt like he actually had something to offer in a relationship, if Isla would just give him the chance to prove it.

"I've done this all wrong," Xander said. "I know I can be rash and excessive in my affections. Having overwhelmed people with my intensity most of my life, I'm aware that it makes me seem less serious. But I come on strong because I know what is between us is rare. The foolish way I asked you was wrong, but I swear my heart is in the right place."

She turned away from him, crossing to the door that led to the room where Jessamin was likely already asleep. Turning back to meet his eyes, she shook her head.

"There's no room for heart in what's between us, Your Grace. I'll see you in the morning."

The finality of the door closing behind her rang through Xander's bones. He'd given it his best shot and he'd failed. He was proud at least that he'd risked it, however foolish his approach might have been. But none of the best things in his life had been easy, and he had no intention of giving up without a fight.