23. Rainer

23

RAINER

T he morning was miserable, cold and rainy. It made Rainer homesick for the beaches of Olney and morning swims he could hardly remember. Sheets of rain pounded the stained-glass windows in the corridor, the wind rattling the panes like a thief eager to get inside. He walked faster, trying to shake the nagging memory of the previous night.

Rainer was most certainly not back in control despite his best efforts with Eloise. As if to prove there was no escaping Cecilia, he'd dreamt of her all night in all manner of sexual scenarios, on her knees before him with a look of challenge in her eyes, on her back at the edge of the bed looking wanton and needy, up against a wall with her legs wrapped around his waist as he moved inside her. The dreams chased him from sleep and left him aching and frustrated.

He rounded the corner, nearly crashing into Magdalena. The healer righted the stack of towels and basket on her arm before anything spilled.

"Forgive me, my lady. I didn't mean to barrel into you," Rainer said, straightening the bundle of towels in her arm.

The healer grinned at him, the faint lines around her eyes crinkling. "Nonsense, it's good to see you charging around these halls feeling better, Guardian McKay."

"Thank you. And thank you again for all your hard work. I'm sure it took a lot out of you," Rainer said, his mind flying to the mess of scars on his back.

Her face grew serious. "I wish I could have done more."

Rainer shook his head. "You did brilliantly. I understand it was quite a mess."

She nodded. "You've not stopped in for a while to check in on the recovery of your memories. Have you been well?"

"I have. Unfortunately, I've had little luck recovering what I've lost. It's frustrating but I'm hoping in a little more time I'll be ready," he said.

Magdalena's face fell. "Pity to lose so much of oneself. Many of my past patients who have had memory issues have found that emotion ties to memory more than we think. Some memory lives in the heart and the body. Perhaps paying attention to that might serve you."

Rainer nodded. "While I have you, I wondered if I might ask a favor. As you've probably heard with the king making such a fuss about it, I'm marrying Lady Spellman shortly. I know it's not in Argarian tradition, but I was hoping to surprise her by including something personal in our ceremony. When I was still unconscious, Eloise read me a fairy tale about a village where it rained stars. It calmed me when I was agitated and helped guide me out of the dark."

Magdalena frowned. "I'm afraid I can't help with that."

Rainer sighed. "I was hoping, since you were there, you might remember the name of it."

Magdalena held up a hand. "No, that's not it. Lady Spellman wasn't around until after you woke up."

Rainer stared at her. If Eloise hadn't been there, who had calmed him with her urgent whispers? Whose story had pulled him out of the chaos in his mind? When Eloise had asked him to repeat it back to her the other day, he'd assumed she wanted to test his memory. Now he saw the request in a different light. She hadn't known the story at all. It was a minor lie, but she could have just as easily told the truth.

"The story you heard was spoken word—told from memory. As I understand it—" Magdalena hesitated, her mouth opening as if she was uncertain the words would come out. "It was your story that—" She cleared her throat, frowning. "Someone was recalling the story for you."

"Who?" Rainer pleaded. His head throbbed as if just talking about the memory was rooting it back into his mind. He could still feel the warmth that spread through his chest, the magic that tingled like the starlight in the story.

Magdalena pursed her lips. "It's slipped my mind. I wish I could help."

Rainer let out an exasperated breath. "You remember the rest with such specificity but not that?"

"I apologize, Guardian McKay. I've offered what I can remember and some practical advice for getting your memories back. Follow those emotional threads. Don't be afraid of the things that carry the heaviest emotional weight. They might just be what weaves your mind back together."

A pungent scent hit Rainer's nostrils.

"What is that smell?" he asked.

"Anti-infection salve. I'm afraid it smells wretched, but it works wonders. You would know," Magdalena said.

The memory snapped into place but it wasn't from his own healing journey.

When Rainer had entered the cell after Reese Reynolds disappeared, that exact smell had hung in the air.

He eyed the healer skeptically. Magdalena was the Castle Savero healer and had been for decades; could she really be a spy betraying Vincent?

Magdalena shook her basket so the bundles of herbs inside fell back into place. He squinted at them and realized it was the same dried plant he'd seen on the floor of the tower cell after Reese escaped .

"What herb is that?" Rainer asked.

Magdalena frowned. "It's morning root. It's to help energize weary patients who are at risk of passing out."

Rainer nodded, his mind whirling. If Magdalena had been in the cell, she could have revived Reese enough for him to escape. There was a spy right under their noses the whole time, in a prominent place in the castle.

Vincent had trusted Magdalena, and she used that trust to turn his own people against him.

Rainer had been lauding her for healing him when she'd been the one who'd set into motion the very events that left him without his memory. It was unacceptable. He wanted to apprehend her right then, but figured Vincent might want to root out exactly who else was involved.

"Thank you," Rainer said.

Magdalena smiled, turned, and left him staring after her as if she had nothing at all to hide. He stormed down the hall toward Vincent's war room, frustration boiling through his veins. It was bad enough that each time he grasped some hint of his old self it only seemed to bring more questions than answers, but now they were going to have to reckon with the fact that one of the most talented healers in the kingdom was a traitor. Vincent was going to be livid.

Rainer paused outside the war room doors when he heard loud voices inside.

"I know you're not telling the truth." The hardness in Vincent's voice set Rainer's teeth on edge.

"I suppose you're an expert at lying," Cecilia's voice taunted.

"You'd really tempt me to follow through on what I started? Do you have so little survival instinct?" Vincent barked.

Cecilia laughed bitterly. "If you're going to do it, do it. Let's end the suspense of waiting for the executioner's blade to fall."

"Who is helping you?" Vincent said. "I'm not stupid enough to think that you're not involved in this."

There was a shuffling and a choking noise. Panic swelled in Rainer' s chest, but he had no idea why. The sounds of a struggle held him frozen in place.

Cecilia sputtered. "Just because people are on to your games doesn't mean I'm to blame. Your problem is that when you ally yourself with traitors, it's hard to see whose blade is coming at you until it's buried in your back."

The sharp sound of a slap split the air and pain welled in Rainer's sternum as if he'd been hit. The room went silent.

"Is that all, or do you want to smack me around some more?" Cecilia asked, her voice laced with venom. "Would you prefer I lie? Is your paranoia so profound?"

Why did Cecilia provoke Vincent when he was under so much strain? Rainer was torn between running inside and intervening and keeping things simple by letting them settle whatever marital spat they were embroiled in.

"You're dismissed," Vincent said.

A moment later Cecilia tore out the door, her eyes falling on Rainer.

"Perfect," she huffed, brushing by him.

Rainer followed at her heels. "Are you well?"

She laughed and kept walking, bringing a hand to her sternum. It was only then that Rainer realized how badly she was trembling.

Rainer raced alongside her. "Tell me what's wrong. Lady Reznik, talk to me."

"Cece!" she nearly screamed.

" Cece , slow down. You have to tell me what happened. Why were you fighting?"

Her eyes met his and the angry, fearful look in them drew him up short. She turned and stormed away. "I can't stand the sight of you."

"But why?" Rainer asked, following her. He reached for her shoulder, forgetting how she hated to be touched.

She quickly pushed him against the wall, sliding something out of a pocket in her dress. The tip of a sharpened wood stake pressed against his throat. Despite the fury on her face, her body shook violently in what was definitely fear. She wasn't allowed to have real weapons, so she'd made one of her own and now she looked ready to plunge it into Rainer's throat.

"I'm sorry," he said.

The pressure on his neck increased slightly as she gasped, "For what?"

"For touching you without your permission."

" That? That is what you're sorry for." Her shoulders slumped as if the words broke her.

Rainer struck fast, knocking the stake from her hand and trying to duck away from her. She caught him with a knee to his stomach. She came at him hard. She was all attack—all fury—reckless and foolish. He blocked the series of vicious blows until he struggled to do so without hurting her. She looked to be a moment away from breaking down. He had to do something.

"I'm going to touch you now," Rainer said.

He ducked, hefting Cecilia over his shoulder. She kicked and punched at him madly as he carried her.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she screeched, but he ignored her and stalked to the end of the hall, taking the two turns that led to his favorite spot.

"You need to cool down," he said.

He pressed through the door onto the castle wall where he liked to hide and train. Ice-cold rain poured down on them in torrents and Cecilia let out a shrill flood of curses as he lowered her to the ground.

She came at him again quickly, fists flying hard and fast. Rainer easily dodged her, blocking each furious swipe of her hands.

"Why are you so angry with me ?" Rainer asked breathlessly.

Cecilia was small, but she was surprisingly fast, and she hit harder than she ever had before. It was clear that she'd been holding back when they previously fought.

"Because you're supposed to—" She faltered, pausing as if surprised she could speak the words. "Because you're supposed to protect me."

All at once her anger evaporated under the chill of the storm, the icy rain cooling her rage to sadness. Her ruined dress hung limp. The wet black silk left almost nothing to the imagination, clinging to her breasts and stomach, highlighting the curve of her hips. It took all of Rainer's concentration to keep his eyes on her face.

"I am protecting you—mostly from yourself," he rasped.

Cecilia laughed and dropped her head back in frustration. In the gray, stormy light, Rainer saw the first signs of bruising on her cheek and around her neck. He froze, staring at the marks.

It was easier to pretend he didn't know that something was wrong between her and the king when he didn't have to look directly at the evidence of it. It would have still been simpler to ignore it, because to get involved meant he'd have to choose a side and his honor and his duty required two different choices. Now that Rainer stared at confirmation of what he'd heard, he wasn't certain what to do with it.

"Why do you look surprised by violence you've already heard?" She pushed past him, pacing through the torrent of rain. "It's not the first time you've heard him strike me." She studied him. "Perhaps it's fine to you as long as there are no visible bruises. It's the most common violence in the world, you know? The violence that disguises itself as love."

Rainer had nothing to say. She stopped suddenly, turning to look at him again. Her expression contorted, grief and frustration warring on her features.

"Oh, I see," she said. "You don't think there's anything wrong with a man disciplining his property. I suppose you're just like him now. Such a good little pawn for the king. Delivering his beatings to whomever he bids you. You know, Reese Reynolds's brother once saved my life. He has been nothing but a loyal member of this kingdom." She paced back toward the door they'd come through, then turned to look at him again.

Rainer advanced on her until her back was against the stone wall next to the door. "That's bullshit! I do not think it's okay, which is why I killed those soldiers who spoke about you with my bare hands. Don't presume to know me, Cece! You're always walking around here talking like you know better than me—than everyone, really. It's exhausting. Maybe if you didn't act like such a know-it-all, the king wouldn't—" He couldn't even finish the sentence because the wrongness of the words made him feel sick.

The truth was Rainer wasn't okay with it. Seeing the marks on her pale skin filled him with the most potent anger he'd felt so far, which only succeeded in making him more confused and, therefore, more furious. This reckless, infuriating woman was driving him crazy. She was the worst kind of trouble, yet he couldn't stop seeking her out. He thought of her all the time, worrying, wanting to spend every moment with her.

He was so tired of fighting it—so exhausted from trying to pretend that the only time he felt even a hint of familiarity in his life now was when Cecilia was close.

"You're right," she snapped. "I don't know you at all. But if I did, I'd say you're a pathetic sheep who can't think for yourself. I honestly don't know why you even?—"

"I'm going to touch you now," Rainer said.

She squeezed her eyes shut as if waiting for a blow, which only made him more furious with himself, the king, and her.

He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her.

Just once would be enough. Just to get it out of his system—to rid himself of the relentless magnetism of this woman he hardly knew. Just to exorcise her from his mind so that he could move on and marry Eloise like his position demanded.

Cecilia tensed, but then her fingers clawed at his shirt, pulling him closer, parting her lips so he could deepen the kiss.

She tasted sweet—like black tea and sugar and lemon and mint. Somehow Rainer knew she'd taste like that, and it wasn't just that he'd seen the way she heaped sugar into her tea every day. A deep sense of knowing left a trail in his mind that led him to nothing but darkness that smelled like her skin.

The feel of her was so familiar. The more he kissed her, the more he felt right on the edge of remembering—like he was on the precipice of waking and grasping for the frayed edges of a pleasant dream.

From the first airless moment of the kiss, he knew with certainty it would never feel like enough. Enough was a lie he'd been telling himself to make his life simple. But as soon as his lips met hers and she'd sighed with the same relief that he felt so acutely, he knew he was done for.

Cecilia wrecked him. Because even though she'd been furiously yelling at him the moment before, as soon as he kissed her, she climbed his body, fighting her soaked dress to wrap her legs around his waist. She clung to him. He was completely lost to her. The way she leaned into him, the soft whimpers she made against his mouth, the way she seemed to coax all the warmth in his chest to life.

Rainer didn't want to touch her and risk her stopping, so he pinned her against the wall with his hips. Her desperation matched his as she grinded against him. He met the rhythm of her movements instinctively, swallowing the moan that burst from her lips.

The kiss blew open the doors of his life, a knowing settling into his bones. He might not have had memory on his side, but he seemed to read exactly what she needed, his tongue chasing hers, his touch inspiring hers in a dance he wanted to both lead and follow.

The rain and wind were brutally cold, but everything between them steamed away the chill. Rainer needed more. Cecilia was infuriating, but kissing her was the first time anything seemed to make sense.

When he spent time with her, he felt furious and scared and frustrated and exhausted and a whole host of other things. She blew through every room like a mountain storm. But now that she opened to him in a different way, he seemed to intuitively understand the rhythm of her.

She was so maddening and sexy. Kissing her was like breathing. Cecilia had somehow become as necessary as air and Rainer had sentenced himself to a swift death by daring to press his lips to hers. Because she was not for him, no matter how much it felt like she should have been.

This is the king's fiancée, you idiot . You have a fiancée of your own .

Still, in another life, Rainer was certain Cecilia would be his.

It was not like kissing Eloise. Eloise's kisses were insistent, expert, lovely. But kissing Cecilia was consuming in the way it felt to give in to sleep after an exhausting day or to find comfort by the heat of a fire on a cold night. Rainer wanted Cecilia to take him over. Her closeness made him hyper-aware of the vast emptiness he felt when she wasn't in his arms. It was something he didn't know he lacked until then, and there was no way to fix it.

All the anger he'd felt before evaporated until he only felt desire and joy and a painful longing. Nothing had ever felt as good as kissing Cecilia Reznik, at least nothing he could remember. Her fingers slid through his hair, pulling him closer. She was full of the same desperate abandon. Rainer struggled to keep his hands in place and avoid touching her anywhere that would make her uncomfortable. Her hips rolled against him harder, and he wished he could hike up her dress and give her the relief she was seeking. Instead, he kept his hands on her face and neck so she wouldn't pull away.

The cold rain mixed with warm, salty tears. She was crying.

Rainer pulled away and the spell was broken. He set her back on her feet.

He hated that he'd done that. It was the most idiotic thing in the world. He was risking his position, his honor—his very life—to kiss a pretty girl when his own fiancée was downstairs. He was risking his entire world to touch a reckless, wild woman who had no respect for authority and a sharp tongue that ensured trouble followed wherever she went.

She stared at him, wide-eyed. "Why did you do that?"

He shook his head. "To get you to shut up and stop hitting me."

"That's the only reason?" she asked, one eyebrow cocked.

"Yes," he gritted out.

"Then why are you so hard?"

Rainer's cheeks heated. He was painfully hard, and he hated that she'd noticed his total lack of control.

She crossed her arms. "Why go on so long if you were just trying to startle me? Seemed to me like you were a moment from hiking up my dress and fucking me right up against the wall. "

Rainer shook his head, trying to loosen the image from his mind. He forced himself to focus. "You have a filthy mouth."

"As I've said before, dirty words are the least filthy thing about this mouth." She winked at him.

His cock twitched as his mind filled with visions of her on her knees. He needed to calm down. This conversation would not go anywhere good.

Rainer scrubbed a hand though his hair, slicking back rainwater. The storm had settled to a drizzle and the wind had died down to an occasional gusty breeze.

Magdalena's words echoed through his mind. How was Cecilia the one person he seemed to have no memory of and yet made him feel so much, so intensely?

"Fighting with you is infuriating and exhausting," Rainer started. "And also it's the best part of my day. Better than winning a sword fight. Better than receiving accolades from the king. Better than walking in the garden with Eloise while she holds my hand and kisses me so sweetly. She doesn't make me feel like I'm going to lose my mind. She doesn't make me feel like I'm going to make nothing but bad decisions. She doesn't keep me up at night wondering if she's all right."

"Why is it the best part of your day, then?" Cecilia looked as hopeful for his answer as Rainer was terrified of it.

"Because fighting with you feels like home. No matter how mad you get, how hard you hit, how cutting your words are—I can't help feeling like I'm right where I'm supposed to be—like I've done it a thousand times. I don't get tired of it. I don't want to stop. I only find myself wishing I was fighting for you instead of with you."

"Then do it! Fight for me , Rainer." The anguish in her voice chilled him.

He stared at her, suspended between what he wanted and what was required of him. How did she make him feel so endlessly balanced on a knife's edge? When would it stop? Why couldn't he surrender to it ?

"Why don't you leave him?" The question slipped out without Rainer's meaning to ask it.

She looked down at the city of Ardenis far below the castle walls. "This kingdom needs stability. A lot of people are relying on me to fix what is broken here."

Rainer didn't understand it, but he could not seem to separate himself from the path that was laid out before him. He could not hurt Eloise. He could not threaten his standing with the king. He felt responsible for Cecilia, but he could not protect her when she didn't even seem to want to protect herself.

He had suspected Cecilia had stolen the key to the tower from him, though he had no real proof. But Magdalena had clearly been the one to help Reese heal enough to escape. If Cecilia was helping her, she was placing herself directly in the path of Vincent's wrath. Even if she believed Reese was innocent, her loyalty should have been to her fiancé. As Rainer's should have been to his.

Guilt slid between his ribs.

No matter what feelings Cecilia stirred in Rainer, the woman was nothing but trouble.

She wrapped her arms around herself, her teeth chattering. Her presence was always so large and boisterous it was easy to forget that she was small and delicate. He looked at her then, really looked at her.

She was thin. She'd lost weight since they first met. Her ribs were visible through the wet silk of her dress. He had noticed her pushing her food around at meals, but rarely eating it. Something seemed to be consuming her. He desperately wished he could remember what.

"Please leave him. Leave here. Go somewhere safer." Rainer tried to be gentle, but his words were edged with desperation. He needed her away from danger and away from him. "Don't you miss Olney? You could go there and find someone who deserves you. Sometimes it's better to survive than to win."

She shook her head and glared at him. "Coward."

The word was barely a whisper but sharp as a blade.

Rainer froze. "What was that? "

"I said you're a fucking coward!" The intensity of her eyes burned through him. "This is survival, Rainer. Surviving is ugly . It takes something you cannot get back, but I would do anything for the people I love. Anything . So don't judge me while you stand there and do nothing."

"Nothing?! I'm saving you from yourself," Rainer huffed.

"No, you're saving yourself from me. From having to make a hard choice. From knowing that you'll stay safe even while I hurt. From having to admit that I make you feel too much and that makes you uncomfortable."

Rainer hated that she saw him. He hated that she was right so often, hated how she seemed to know what he felt. How she looked right at the shame he tried to hide and dragged it out into the light. She was so unnerving.

"You make me feel nothing ," Rainer said coldly.

The moment he saw the flicker of hurt in her eyes, he knew that wasn't true. Because that wounded look on her face left him feeling sick.

She made him feel too many powerful, confusing things. He tried not to recognize the way she made his heart race. He tried not to acknowledge the way he constantly found himself staring at her lips. He tried not to understand the inexplicable way she felt like home—the way the only time he felt the ravenous anger inside him settle and make space for light was when she was close. His body, his mind, his very soul were on the precipice of remembering her and the need to do so settled into him like a great wave of panic.

The woman was more forbidden to him than anything else. That must have been the appeal. It was the only thing that explained the persistent urge he felt to draw Cecilia away from the castle, to hoard her to himself, to hold her close forever. It was more than just an impulse of desire, though that was there and sharp as ever—it was a deep longing that settled into him each morning when he woke, reaching out on the bed beside him for something that was lost to him .

"You look at me like I need to be more than I am," Rainer said. "But I'm a guardian. A protector. This is what I am here for— to fight ."

The words sounded so foolish. But Rainer had only ever known one thing: how to be a sword in someone else's hand.

Cecilia closed the distance between them and pressed her palm reverently to his heart. "You are not a weapon."

The words hollowed Rainer out. Or perhaps he'd always been hollow, and she simply threw open the door to show him how he was made of nothing but an empty ache that no accolades could fill.

Cecilia looked at him with the sort of conviction he could not ever remember having. Rainer was humiliated by the sheer desperation he felt. He wanted so badly for someone to ground him in the truth, but this woman confused him to no end. Looking at her then, he felt certain her words could cast a spell that would give him back his sense of self. Removed from the expectant gazes of the court, he could be exactly what she wanted him to be.

"Then what am I?" he asked.

"A shelter." She looked at him like she could will him to remember who he was, and he wished she could. "You are not a tool for someone to use. You are the harbor to turn to in a storm."

With that, Cecilia left him standing in the rain—alone with his lies.

He stood there for a few long moments, watching the clouds of his breath dissipate. Then he turned and tore into the castle. If Cecilia wasn't going to look out for her own best interest, Rainer would cut off her ability to put herself in harm's way by removing the rebels in their midst.

His skin warmed as he charged down the candlelit hallways.

The way Cecilia Reznik took up every free space in his head was disorienting. Rainer needed to avenge himself against his lack of control by recommitting to his original goal.

He found King Vincent in the throne room, speaking with Grant in hushed. Rainer didn't like the man, mostly because he held the role that Rainer coveted. He also didn't like the way Grant leered at Cecilia or the way she seemed on edge whenever he was near. Now Rainer had the chance to surpass his rival.

"Rainer? Has my lovely fiancée already scared you off today? She can be quite trying," Vincent said, effecting a sympathetic tone.

Rainer bit the inside of his cheek, trying to put the bruising on her neck and cheek out of his head. "I'm not here about Lady Reznik, Your Grace. A different matter has come to my attention."

Grant crossed his arms, leaning back on his heels, his gaze burning into Rainer. "We have enough to attend to as it is with the growing crowd of commoners outside our gates."

Vincent held up his hand. "Nonsense. I'm sure that Rainer wouldn't be here if it wasn't important."

Rainer nodded. "I think I have a lead on who allowed Reese Reynolds to escape."