22. Rainer

22

RAINER

I t was Rainer's bachelor party, but he seemed to be the only one uninterested in female company. All around him men delighted in the displays of skin, but Rainer's mind was singularly focused on the fresh memory of the sliver of pale skin on Cecilia's thigh peeking out from the top of her sock.

He hadn't wanted to stop and, judging from the way she'd shivered at his touch, she hadn't either. She'd gone from teasing to pliant so quickly, and he'd forgotten himself as well, nuzzling into her neck like he had any right to touch her. Like he had any right to even think about another woman that way when he'd just proposed to Eloise.

Shame suspended him in the doorway to the boisterous sitting room. The heat in the room, which was already full of too many writhing bodies and the strong smell of whiskey and ale, made his stomach turn. This was not what Rainer had in mind for a last party before marriage, though he supposed he'd had enough of an idea to lock Cecilia in her room so she wouldn't witness it.

No one had seen him yet. He could still escape to his room, make his excuses tomorrow, try not to think about the way Cecilia had gasped and arched into him when he called her a good girl. If he'd known that was all it took to make her cooperate, he would have done it day one.

But it hadn't occurred to him that she would find him as compelling as he found her. She liked to flirt and tease, but it wasn't until she'd given him a genuine smile over her cards that he'd thought perhaps all her flirtation had been about more than just getting a rise out of him.

"Rainer! You're late to the party. Pull up a chair and grab yourself a girl. The dances will start soon and that's when the real fun begins," Vincent said, clapping a hand on Rainer's back as he walked by.

Rainer crossed the room and poured himself a whiskey. The air was suffocating, thick with the smell of strong wine and perfume. A drummer, a fiddler, and several other musicians sat off to the side, tuning up their instruments, and several women were costumed as Olney goddesses. He recognized the pink diaphanous gown meant to represent Goddess Desiree and a woman wrapped in some strategically placed leaves who seemed to represent the goddess of the hunt.

Rainer fought to hide his discomfort. It was a bit sacrilegious for whores to be dressed as goddesses, but no one else seemed the least bit bothered by it.

He searched for a friendly face in the room but was a little embarrassed to realize he hadn't made any friends since waking up. He kept waiting for someone to pop up and tell him they were old friends, and the more time that passed without that happening, the more Rainer wondered why he hadn't made more time for friendships before the rebellion. Had he been so focused on advancement that he hadn't the time for anything else?

A grimmer possibility came to life in his mind. Perhaps all his friends had died in the attack. He ran a hand through his hair. It should have occurred to him to ask someone before now because this was humiliating.

Xander sat across the room by the fire, a lovely blonde woman poised on the arm of his chair. The prince smiled at her indulgently as she played with the collar of his shirt.

Vincent had two scantily clad women perched in his lap, both blondes with full breasts and wide hips. They looked nothing like Cecilia—but then again, maybe variety was the appeal of looking outside of one's relationship for company.

Although Rainer had a vague recollection of being with women in Olney, he was fairly certain he'd never sought company outside of a relationship. He didn't understand the purpose. Why commit to someone if you couldn't really commit? It was greedy and unnecessary—not that Rainer had any room to judge when he'd just been all over a woman who wasn't Eloise.

Still, Rainer looked at the king in a new light. Vincent was someone who'd always had everything but felt the world owed him more. He'd never be satisfied, and he was saddling beautiful, wild Cecilia with the burden of his endless wanting.

Immediately, Rainer knocked back the rest of his whiskey. That was none of his business. He was there to protect her body from harm but had no such responsibility to her heart.

"You disapprove?" Vincent's question startled Rainer from his racing thoughts.

Rainer recognized the challenge in the words. Of course he disapproved. It was disrespectful to a future queen to act that way so publicly. Plenty of kings had lovers, but they kept them privately.

"I don't, Your Grace," Rainer said, looking around the room with faux wariness. "I just wonder if all of these women have been vetted and if there aren't safer means of entertainment."

"We don't pay because we can't get it elsewhere, McKay," Vincent said. "We pay to walk away without complication. We pay for a woman who knows what she's doing."

Rainer crossed and uncrossed his arms.

"Are you suggesting this is something I should be getting from my betrothed?" Vincent challenged.

His gaze burned into Rainer as if he could smell Rainer's attraction to Cecilia. Xander had warned him that the king was jealous. The last thing Rainer needed was to get the most unavailable woman at court into trouble because of foolish lust .

Rainer swallowed hard. "Of course not. I just wonder if making it such a public event could lead to gossip."

Vincent smiled. "Always the strategist. I can appreciate that, but I assure you, my men understand the value of discretion." He leaned closer, his dark eyes burning into Rainer. "I know you have your wholesome values, but I've seen what an animal you can be behind closed doors when you're questioning those traitors. Just let go for the night."

Rainer cringed. It wasn't that he didn't believe in his duty, but he wasn't proud of the way rage overtook him when he was trying to get answers from traitors. Every time, he couldn't help thinking of the people who had been hurt and killed in the attack—at least that was what he told himself to pretend that there wasn't a direct line between his uncontrollable rage and the thought of someone laying a hand on Cecilia. He had no right at all to feel so protective of her, but ever since he'd witnessed her fear and vulnerability right after he woke up, he felt possessed by a need for justice that could only be exorcized with his fists.

Rainer nodded, trying to casually make his way to the corner of the room. This was not what he'd had in mind when Vincent said he wanted to reward him for his hard work.

Music swelled and several women began to dance. Vincent's guards looked on with interest, clapping along with the beat and shouting encouragement for the women to shed more clothing. The entire event made Rainer feel sick.

It was perfectly respectable work for these women, but the energy in the room set Rainer's teeth on edge. Vincent's men didn't seem to respect boundaries, despite the dancers swatting their hands away, and they were just as handsy with the servants pouring their drinks, though it was clear they were castle staff and not employed by the brothel. He watched a server twist a man's wrist back. It was a basic defensive move he learned in the first year of his own training, but he was surprised to see a servant knew it. The guard held his hands up as if mockingly chastised and the servant scurried away .

Rainer tried to get swept up in the music and merriment, but he felt awkward and out of place, even as his peers offered him toasts and women offered him dances that he politely declined. The room felt claustrophobic. Rainer was staring down a future that was coming at him too quickly. He needed more time.

He walked to the window, threw it open, and welcomed the cold winter air as he waited for the tightness in his chest to abate. The snow that had blanketed the kingdom in white all day had subsided, muffling the din of the city below. Moonlight shimmered on the snow, making it sparkle like stars had fallen to earth. It reminded Rainer of the fairy tale that had led him out of the dark. It reminded him of Cecilia lying in the snow, talking about a night sky sugared with stars. He huffed a laugh. What a ridiculous way to describe the sky.

His breathing slowed and his heart settled into a steady rhythm.

Movement in the castle gardens caught his eye. At first he thought he'd imagined it, but then a small shape wandered out of the shadow, a cloak pulled over their head. Between the slight stature and the familiar gait, he knew before they brushed back their hood that it was Cecilia.

He groaned, running a hand through his hair. How did she escape that room and why is she outside? She was an absolute menace. He could stay where he was and hope she found her way back to her room alone, but he felt compelled to go make sure she was safe.

A blonde woman appeared at his elbow, startling him from his staring.

"Guardian McKay, are you well?" she asked.

Rainer turned to look at her. She'd been sitting with Prince Xander earlier.

"Mika Notte," she said, recognizing that he didn't remember her name.

"Apologies, my memory is not what it once was," he said.

Her bright red lips turned up into a smile. "So I've heard. Are you not enjoying the festivities? "

"I'm not sure they're to my taste."

"You don't like to feel aroused?" Mika challenged, brushing her sleek blonde hair behind her shoulders, giving a tantalizing glimpse of her full breasts in her black lace slip.

Rainer shrugged. "In a group setting? No. But that's not the problem. I don't like what these women make me feel."

"What do these women make you feel?" Mika asked.

"Nothing, Lady Notte. They make me feel nothing at all. Meaning no offense. You're obviously all very lovely."

Mika smothered a laugh with an elegant hand. Her gaze followed Rainer's to the garden far below where, despite the chill of the evening, Cecilia sat on a stone bench in the open air, staring at the roses. She tipped her chin up, looking at the night sky. Making a wish, no doubt.

"And what does she make you feel?" Mika asked.

"Chaos," Rainer breathed. He hated that he'd said it aloud and revealed a weakness so easily, but the word tumbled out of him like he'd been holding it back for a lifetime.

As much as Cecilia calmed the endless droning rage he felt, as much as she calmed everything in him, she also brought forth complicated, overwhelming emotions. He had no control of himself around her and he desperately needed discipline right now. She systematically stripped his defenses away with her antics—with her reckless wandering—with her lack of regard for her own safety—and, gods help him, with her laugh that made him feel like the ground had dropped out from beneath him.

Cecilia was the worst kind of trouble and yet he could not stop seeking her out. He wanted her with a hunger that could consume the stars, the sun, the moon, the whole world if he let it.

She lived down the hall, but it might as well have been across the sea or among the night sky for how unattainable she was to him. Still, her impossibility did nothing to take the edge off his wanting.

Mika's lips drew up in a knowing smile. "Well, I suppose that would be terribly appealing to a rule follower such as yourself. "

Rainer frowned. "I hate it."

"And also, you don't," Mika said with a grin.

He smiled back in spite of himself. "And also I don't," he agreed. "But that's not what I want."

"Sometimes we think we want something, but the fates give us what we need instead."

Rainer wanted to argue with her, but he certainly didn't belong in that room. "And what did you want?" he asked.

Mika's eyes lingered on Cecilia in the courtyard. "I thought I needed vengeance."

"And now?"

"And now I think maybe what I need is a friend. Maybe it's greedy, but I aspire to have both."

Rainer frowned as Cecilia laid back on the bench. "She's supposed to be locked in her room."

"Doesn't seem like she's hurting anyone."

"It's my job to keep her safe, and she makes it impossible."

"Perhaps she's content to live with a little danger for the sake of gaining peace," Mika murmured.

Peace. What a foreign concept. It felt as if Rainer had been fighting his whole life. He couldn't imagine putting down his sword for good when it had been his purpose for so long.

"Maybe you should go talk to her," Mika offered.

Was that what he needed? Permission?

"There are warriors who are strong and brave physically, but it takes a different kind of fortitude to be gentle—to coax someone out," Mika said.

Rainer was torn between staying and leaving as quickly as possible. Surely Vincent would notice if he excused himself too early, but Rainer already knew that Cecilia wasn't safe after she'd already been attacked beyond the castle walls. It was possible she was in danger from those in the rebellion, like that guard who'd attacked her in the snow, but it was also possible that she was part of it. Rainer couldn't begin to reconcile the vexing, lonely witch with someone who would help support the rebellion, and if she had, he'd assumed she would have been spared their violence. Though Cecilia did love to rebel against expectations and social norms, he could not imagine her being a part of such a dangerous fight.

That thought disturbed him. Holding on to feelings of any kind for the king's fiancée would do nothing for him. Rainer needed to get his head on straight.

Raymond McKay had given Rainer so little wisdom over the years, but some things stuck, and genuine affectionate feelings for someone who was unavailable would bring nothing but ruin to Rainer's life.

Still, the pull to Cecilia was relentless.

The room broke into roaring laughter as the men delighted in a new dancer, who hopped onto the table at the center of the room. She had a flower crown in her hair and wore a translucent green dress, a quiver of arrows strapped over her back. She pulled out a bow and an arrow.

Rainer tensed as she drew the string back and loosed an arrow. It hit a man on the other side of the table in the chest. He gripped the arrow and winced, his face twisted in a pained grimace, but then he drew his hand away and held the arrow high. The tip had been replaced with a strawberry, which the man bit. The men burst into calls for berries in all sorts of innuendos and the dancer started to twist her hips and fire berry arrows around the room.

Rainer set down his drink and sneaked out of the party while the men were distracted. He charged down the stairs and out into the garden. Beneath his feet, fresh salt crusted the cobblestone path, melting the snow into slushy puddles. He turned down the main trail and then made a left, finding Cecilia where he'd seen her sitting moments before.

"Lady Reznik?"

"Cece," she said, keeping her gaze on the sky.

"Do I want to know how you managed to make it out of a locked room?"

She shrugged. "I imagine you'd love to know, but the real question is would it be wise of me to tell you? Can't you simply accept that I'm an unparalleled talent and there's not a room or cell in the two kingdoms that could contain me if I wished to be free?"

Rainer sighed. "What could contain you?"

She blew out a slow breath, white vapor curling out of her mouth. "Love."

Rainer swallowed hard, at a loss for words. Wind blew through the garden, bare branches scratching together like claws. "We should go inside. It's not safe for you out here alone."

"I'm not alone," she said, finally pushing up into a sitting position to look at him.

"You know what I mean."

She waved a hand upward. "I just wanted to see the sky."

Rainer looked up. "Look at that. Sugared with stars."

She huffed a startled laugh. "Sugared with stars. Well said."

They fell into silence. Rainer wasn't sure what to say, but he felt calmer now that he was away from the noise of the party. The night was cold, but her presence was a comfort.

"What are you doing here?" Cecilia asked. "I thought you'd be too busy with your whores."

Rainer raised an eyebrow. "So you saw that?"

"Surprised to see the bachelor straying from his party."

"As surprised as he is to see you straying from your locked bedroom."

She pursed her lips. "Okay, I'll go back to bed and won't sneak out again if you do one thing."

Rainer groaned. "What one thing?"

Cecilia's eyes sparkled in the moonlight. "Make a wish."

Rainer shook his head, but he gazed up at the night sky. "What if I don't see a shooting star?"

"Then just pick the star you like best," she whispered.

Making a good wish seemed like something you needed to know yourself in order to do, and Rainer still remembered so little of his past .

"You're a memory witch, Cece. How do you think losing memories affects a person?" he asked.

A flash of anger, grief, and confusion ran through his chest.

"I've restored a lot of memories. People forget how much memory is tied to emotion and personality. When you lose your memories, you lose the context of your own personality. I imagine it feels like you don't know who you are at all. That must be frustrating—to be an adult and have to reinvent yourself without having all the puzzle pieces to do so."

Rainer nodded. Frustrated hardly covered it. "I'm finding it hard to make a wish since I don't know who I am or what I want."

She studied his face intensely, as if looking for some hidden depth in his words. "Don't be a perfectionist, Rainer. Wishes are about what the heart wants, not the head."

Cecilia made it sound so easy. He tipped his head back, waiting for the stars to scatter and offer him hope. Her hand slid into his and the gentleness in her touch made him feel suddenly fragile.

Rainer hated how soft he felt every time she touched him. Soft was weak, and he could not afford to feel weak when the world around him and especially the king demanded he be strong. It didn't matter that he felt the familiar warmth spreading in his chest when she was close, it didn't matter that she looked at him like he was the best thing she'd seen all day, and it certainly didn't matter that he wanted to know what she might have let him do if he'd skipped the party and stayed in her room.

He could not need her. He couldn't need anyone. To need was to be weak. They were the only wise words that Raymond McKay had ever drilled into him. " Show love when you need to but never when you feel it ."

As if they sensed his doubt and indecision, the stars refused to move and grant him a wish. Rainer picked one anyway and wished for his memories back. It seemed as safe a wish as any, not that it mattered. He'd already made the wish a thousand times a day.

"All done?" Cecilia asked .

He nodded, leading her back to the castle and up to her room. She was surprisingly quiet, as if she could sense how spent he was.

When they reached her rooms, the key was in the door where he'd left it. Cecilia opened it and paused in the doorway, turning to face him.

"Why didn't you stay at your party?"

"There was nothing there for me. I have no interest in women who aren't my betrothed."

The lie made him feel guilty, but not for the reason it should have. He felt bad for lying to Cecilia, but for the fact that he did in fact have an interest in someone who wasn't Eloise.

"How gallant of you not to be tempted." Cecilia pressed her hand to his chest, right over the golden scar. "What did you wish for?"

He closed his eyes, trying not to twitch as her thumb shifted, pressing his tunic against the scar. Rainer hadn't realized how sensitive it was. Goosebumps rose on his skin.

"I thought you said I can't share what I wish for, or it won't come true," he said, finally meeting her eyes.

Cecilia smirked, holding his gaze as she whispered, "I think you remember more than you think."

The door clicked shut before Rainer could tell her she was wrong.

He wanted to pound on her door to demand she tell him what she meant. Why did she have to be so cryptic and vexing all the time?

Rainer turned and stormed down the hall. Cecilia's words had crawled under his skin, burrowing deep and making him itch. Was he remembering her? Did he have the same sort of magnetic pull to her before the attack? Did he have a fucking death wish?

He needed to end the madness and stop the endless turmoil in his mind. He needed Eloise to set him straight. He needed to spend more time with her. If he spent as much time with her as he did guarding Cecilia, surely he would feel equally compelled.

Rainer turned down hallway after hallway until he made it to Eloise's wing. It was late and wildly inappropriate for him to show up unannounced. All of her ladies had likely already gone to bed.

He drew up short. It would be wiser to turn around and go to sleep alone in his own bed, but he knew that he'd just wake up from yet another visceral dream of Cecilia and he'd had enough of them in the past two weeks to drive him insane. He needed to blot out thoughts of her with thoughts of someone else.

He continued down the hall, knocking lightly on Eloise's chamber door. He listened for stirring inside. His stomach churned with guilt as he knocked a second time, holding out hope that she was still awake. Just as he was about to flee, the door opened and Eloise stood there, looking startled in a midnight-blue velvet robe, her hair unbound and hanging down her back in raven curls that looked soft and freshly combed.

She was so poised, so neat. Even answering the door this late at night, she was put together, unlike Cecilia, who had answered her door in a slip and a sweater, her hair wild and unbound.

Eloise's brow pinched in concern. "Rainer? Is all well?"

His cheeks warmed as he met her gaze. "All is well. I just—" He stumbled over his words, unable to voice why exactly he was there. It was disrespectful and inappropriate. "The king threw me a bachelor party and I know I was supposed to like it, but I found my mind was elsewhere the whole time."

Eloise's face lit with a smile, her eyes darting past him to check the hall before she grabbed a handful of his tunic and dragged him inside. That was all the invitation Rainer needed. As soon as the door closed behind him, he pulled her into his arms, kissing her with all his pent-up frustration.

She pressed closer, untying her robe to reveal a beautiful silk nightgown with delicate lace that highlighted her full breasts. Rainer shoved the robe off her shoulders as he drew a line of kisses down her neck, dipping between her breasts. She moaned and he pulled back to meet her eyes.

"Is this okay?"

"It's more than okay," she said, pulling off his shirt. "You have no idea how much I've thought of this." She ran her hand over his chest, pausing to stroke the golden scar, noting how it made him shiver.

Instantly, his mind flew to Cecilia brushing her thumb over his scar through his shirt as if she knew exactly where it was. Rainer needed to banish her from his head—even now he couldn't help feeling like he was letting her down in some way, as if she was watching, knowing this was happening. Guilt and dread pooled in his chest.

Eloise pulled him toward the bed and his focus was back on her. He slipped the straps of her nightgown off her shoulders, revealing her breasts. He bent and sucked one of her nipples into his mouth and Eloise let out a breathy moan. Her hand came to the back of his head as she arched into him. He dragged his teeth over her peaked nipple and she twitched.

"More," she begged, urging him toward the other breast.

He gave equal attention to both until she was panting, her eyes hooded with lust, her cheeks flushed.

"I want to see you fall apart for me," he rasped against her skin.

"Yes," Eloise said urgently.

His hand swept up her inner thigh, coming to rest on the silk between her legs. He rubbed her through the delicate fabric and she whimpered into his mouth. Dragging the damp silk aside, Rainer brushed his fingers over her and she moaned his name.

"How do you like to be touched, El?" he taunted, rubbing her slowly with a featherlight touch.

"Harder," she said breathlessly.

He rubbed his fingers against her harder before thrusting one inside. She arched into him, her fingernails digging into his back.

"Like that?" he asked.

"More," she whimpered.

He grinned at her as he pushed another finger inside her, sliding them in and out as he rubbed his thumb over her clit. She twitched and writhed, meeting each of his thrusts.

This was what he needed. Rainer needed another beautiful woman coming undone for him. Eloise squeezed his fingers, already close to giving him exactly what he needed to clear Cecilia Reznik from his mind completely.

"I want to taste you," he whispered .

"Yes," Eloise gasped.

He withdrew his hand and she whined until he slid her undergarments off and hiked her nightdress up. He shoved her legs wide, dragging her to the edge of the bed, and held her gaze as he knelt. He licked her and she shuddered.

She ran her fingers through his hair as he went to work, alternating between his tongue and fingers. Eloise's soft moans became louder, more insistent. Her legs tensed, toes curling as her heels dug into his shoulders. Rainer quickened his pace until she was panting. He was tempted to draw it out, but her fingernails dug into his arm and he gave in. He curled his fingers and Eloise gasped as she sailed over the edge, her hands clenching in the sheets.

Still, he didn't feel satisfied. It felt mechanical. Like he was going through the motions to prove he could.

He wiped his mouth on her inner thigh and she smiled at him, her eyes still hooded with lust as he rose to his feet.

"Rainer, I want you inside me," she said, fumbling with the button on his pants.

She was so tight and wet, that would be just what Rainer needed to banish Cecilia for good. But for some reason, he couldn't commit to it. He pulled Eloise's hands away and her eyes met his in the dark, searching for the answer to his hesitance.

If he did this now, he'd be taking something he didn't deserve. His heart wasn't in the right place. He couldn't in good conscience sleep with Eloise for the first time—for what was probably her first time—when someone else was still in his head.

"We should wait." He brushed Eloise's hair back from her face tenderly. "El, it's not that I don't want to, but I'd like to save something for our wedding night. Tonight was about you. I just wanted to make you feel good—to make myself feel good, really."

Her bottom lip kicked out in a pout. "But I want to please you too."

"Believe me, you did," Rainer said, tugging his shirt on.

She grinned at him .

"I should sneak out before someone gets suspicious, but thank you for letting me be wildly inappropriate for the night."

Eloise sat up, shrugging her nightgown straps back into place. "Feel free to be wildly inappropriate with me anytime. You fully live up to the hype."

Rainer gave her a good-night kiss before checking that the hall was clear and making his way back to his room, praying he was back in control.