Chapter 30

Nolan hadn't seen Ryder for days. Everything inside told him to go find Ryder and demand that he listen, but he didn't want to be a jerk. He'd already pushed and been told to go away. Calling the realtor had hurt, but there wasn’t much he could do but leave. The appointment to put the house on the market was at the end of the week. By then, he might have a better idea of what he needed to do.

The days passed in a near haze and on Friday he still had no idea how to approach Ryder. Nolan figured Ryder was hiding from him. It just emphasized how much he needed to leave this place.

There wasn’t any way he could afford to buy out his contract at this point. It would cost too much money that he didn’t have. There had to be a solution that would work for both of them.

The worst part was he had begun to have real feelings for Ryder. Now, that was all gone and only in the past.

He had just pulled into the driveway when he heard one of Ryder’s goats making a huge amount of noise. Worry filled Nolan. Once he saw Ryder’s truck wasn’t there, he headed over to the pens that held the goats.

“What is up?” Nolan asked as he approached. He knew the goats wouldn’t really tell him what was going on, but that didn’t stop him from asking. Taking care of the animals had been enjoyable. He missed the time he’d spent in the barn talking to the goats and Mavis.

The goat still screamed as he entered the pen, reaching over the fence to scratch Mavis's head. "What's up, girl?"

Nolan didn't see anything, but the goat was still screaming so he moved into the barn and saw that one of the goats was trapped in the wooden slats that separated the feed room from the rest of the barn.

“What are you doing?” How the heck had this goat gotten in this position? Upon closer inspection, it looked like the latch on the gate separating the areas inside the barn was broken.

The goat answered him with more screams. To fix the situation would require him to back the goat out of the spot. As he started to push the goat back through the slats, he heard Ryder’s truck pull up outside.

His breath caught as his stomach dropped. He wished he'd waited or maybe gone to the store after work. But he was in Ryder's barn, and he would come face to face with his neighbor.

"I'm coming. What is wrong with you?" Ryder called out, then froze as he saw Nolan trying to push the goat back through the slats. It took a second for Ryder to stare at him before the man threw back his head, laughter spilling out.

Nolan shrugged. “I came home, and he seemed upset.”

"Yeah. Looks like the idiot got trapped." Ryder came over, and together with some brute force and ingenuity, they got the goat unstuck.

After they finished, Ryder used some wire to lock the gate and then shut the door to the barn before following Nolan out to the back yard.

Nolan didn’t want this to be a big deal, so he was about to head back to his place when Ryder’s hand landed on his shoulder. He didn’t turn to face Ryder at first. It would be too hard to look into Ryder’s eyes and not see caring. Maybe it would be more difficult to see the caring.

“Can we talk?” Ryder asked.

Slowly, Nolan turned, his heart aching for this man. They’d both suffered so much. Maybe it was too much to ask Ryder to have forgiveness.

He studied Ryder’s gaze, trying to figure out what he was feeling. A tiny spark, something that looked like hope shone in Ryder’s eyes. Nolan nodded.

“Want to come in?” Ryder asked.

“Um, sure.” It was painful walking back into Ryder’s house, thinking about all the good times they’d had curled in each other’s arms as they discovered how to make love to each other. It had been love, too. They may have wanted to keep it casual, but they’d gone way past just fucking around to building something with meaning.

Ryder offered him tea, but he shook his head. He couldn’t start getting comfortable here unless he had something to get comfortable about.

Nolan watched Ryder cross and uncross his arms then clear his throat. Nolan should say something to make this easier for Ryder, but he didn’t know what to say that would actually help.

“I spent the last week kicking myself. I should have looked into the accident when it happened. I should know the names of everyone who died and what happened.”

Nolan nodded. “I read many of the articles. I knew there was an Amy, but I didn’t put it together that it was your Amy.”

Ryder sniffed as he stared out the window to his left. The silence stretched on. After a moment Ryder swallowed, then turned his gaze back on Nolan. His eyes were red along with his cheeks.

“I don’t want to throw away what we were starting. I felt something for you. I don’t believe for one moment you moved here to trap me or trick me. I was angry, and I’m sorry.”

Nolan heard the words but wasn’t sure what he could do to make it all okay. Could they ever go back to what they had? Moving back wasn’t his way. He wanted to move forward.

“Instead of moving back to what we had, we should see what we can develop.”

“What do you mean?” Ryder asked.

Nolan shrugged. “Let’s get to know each other better.”

Ryder nodded. “I think that is a great idea.”

“I like the idea of us spending time together.”

Ryder bit his lower lip. “I am worried.”

“About what?”

“How did my mom find out that we’re together?”

Nolan shrugged. “Maybe she put two and two together. People know I had a husband because Andrew’s mother showed up here. When you came out of my house this morning, maybe your mother just assumed.”

“I feel like it’s more. But maybe not. I just don’t want you to be put in a position where you’re in danger.”

Nolan put his hand on Ryder's arm. Their gazes met and held. A shiver snaked through Nolan as desire filled him. He needed to keep control of his desire.

"I'm sure everything will be okay. Just be yourself, and I'll be me. We'll work through things as they come up." Nolan wished he had better advice. He'd learned over the years that some people just didn't want to cut anyone a break. They liked causing problems because causing problems gave them something to talk about.

Ryder held Nolan’s gaze. “What do you mean by that?”

Nolan ran his hand over Ryder’s shoulder and down his arm. “It means we need to live how we want to live. What other people think doesn’t matter. Andrew taught me that. He was a tough military man with a husband. He got plenty of hate from inside the military, but he never gave in and retaliated. He stood firm with his convictions that he wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

“What if we are doing something wrong?” Worry filled Ryder’s face.

Nolan shook his head. "We aren't. I know for a fact that we aren't doing one thing wrong by being together. What other people think doesn't matter. Many of those religions that condemn gay people support men who do very bad things to kids. They commit sins by lying, cheating, and stealing more than just money. They have no room to talk. What do you feel is right?"

Nolan knew he would face challenges dating Ryder, who seemed to be a totally straight guy before they hooked up. With the added pressure of how they were connected, it might not work out. But he felt deep in his heart that Ryder would be worth every effort he had to make for them to be together.