Chapter 29

Ryder couldn't believe everything good he'd thought was happening had turned into something bad. He couldn't get past the news that Andrew had been there. It was too much of a coincidence that Nolan had moved next door. How did that even happen?

He still had to do chores, but going outside with Nolan at home was too much. He moved so he could see outside, wondering what Nolan was thinking about.

Had he been too harsh? Facing the truth was too much. Amy would like Nolan. Hell, Amy probably would have liked Andrew, too. Now, he would never know how awesome they could have been together.

The sound of Nolan's car starting jostled him out of his thoughts. Nolan's car pulled out of the driveway and sadness filled Ryder. The chores had to be done, so he headed outside. Doing chores only when Nolan wasn't home would be nearly impossible. Something had to give.

Ryder finished feeding his animals, not taking much pleasure from the task. It was weird how learning something like this ruined everything. Anger swirled deep in his belly. How had he not known the name of the person driving the car? Everything had been so clouded and jumbled after the accident.

A shiver snaked through Ryder. It had been a tragic accident. It wasn’t like Andrew had swerved into traffic and hit Amy’s car. Andrew hadn’t been drunk or on any substance. The wheel parts had failed. There hadn’t been anything Andrew or Amy could have done.

After he finished in the yard, he showered, noticing his libido was gone again. Having Nolan with him made everything better. It wasn't just the sex either. That was hot, but just having Nolan as a friend and companion had been wonderful.

The day seemed to take forever. He found himself staring off into space more than once. If he could go back and change things, he would have told Amy to stay at home that day. They would have taken a trip that week. Or maybe he could have driven the car for her. If he would have been the one to die, she could have moved on.

Would Amy have moved on? He wanted to think of her happy and living a great life. He should be ashamed of himself for being with Nolan. Not because of the gay thing, but how could he enjoy anything when Amy was dead?

Ryder made it through the weekend and was back at work. He kept his head down and did what he had to. Rafe came over to ask him something and gave him a weird look. No matter how much he thought he wasn’t showing how upset he was, he guessed he wasn’t doing that great of a job.

“I’m sorry. What?” Ryder shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs.

“The large order from Bickel Construction. Did you already start gathering the items?”

Ryder shook his head. “Sorry. I’m distracted.”

“It’s okay. I’ll get started on that.”

Ryder nodded. “Sure.” He stared at the floor as Rafe began to walk away. “Wait. There’s no reason for you to do that alone. I’ll help.”

“Sure thing, man.” Rafe led the way to the aisle where most of the items were.

It was a large order, and it took them most of the day. He had to do a few special cuts, but most of the items just needed to be gathered and stacked on pallets.

“You seem distracted,” Rafe said. “Anything you want to talk about?”

Ryder shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

Rafe chuckled. “You know, sometimes the most nothing thing is more than you give it credit for.”

Ryder blew out a harsh breath. “I just found something out.”

“Life is short. Things happen. Bad things, good things. You have to decide what you’re going to let affect you.”

Ryder shrugged. “I don’t know how to get past it.”

They worked for another thirty minutes in silence. Then Rafe spoke again. “You know, it’s up to you what you allow to destroy you. Really bad things happen, and you can allow it to crush you, or you can rise above.”

“I don’t know how to get over this.”

Rafe put his hand on Ryder’s shoulder. “It happens one decision at a time. I’ve gone through some bad shit, like real bad, and I had to make a choice about how much I was willing to let it dictate my future. There are things you can’t force or influence, but there are also things you have complete control over.”

Ryder snorted. “I have no control over this.”

“But you do have control over how you handle it,” Rafe said before he walked away.

The words twisted through his mind, making him wish Rafe hadn’t said anything. He was handling this badly. Nolan hadn’t caused the wreck and wasn’t at fault. Ryder wanted to be with Nolan, but he didn’t know how to get from the anger and pain back to Nolan’s arms. Was it too much to find forgiveness? Did Nolan even need forgiveness? Ryder sucked in a breath as realization hit. Nolan didn’t need forgiveness, but he sure as heck did. He’d screwed up by pushing Nolan away. Maybe there wasn’t hope for them, but what if there was?