Chapter 28

Nolan didn't know what to do. He knew Andrew had been driving, but the military had ruled that it hadn't been his fault. There were records showing that he'd checked the vehicle before getting inside and driving. From what he understood, no one would have been able to determine that the wheel would fall off. It really had been a freak accident that the bolts holding the wheel to the vehicle had sheered off, and the wheel had gone flying.

Now, he was living next door to one of the people who'd lost someone. How was that even possible?

Guilt filled Nolan. He was supposed to have been in Atlanta that week but had decided to stay at home. If he’d been there, maybe Andrew wouldn’t have been driving.

The pain of losing Andrew had taken so much out of him. He'd tried to move on, tried to keep his head above water, but in addition to everything else, this was too much. It felt like all the pain and anger were coming back in full force, threatening to overwhelm him.

Maybe this was what he deserved.

The days and weeks after the crash had been filled with the pain of loss. He’d always believed himself to be logical enough to handle loss, but when it had happened to him, he’d lost it. Unable to come to terms with what happened, he’d stopped paying attention to everything else. Even now, thinking of the pain Andrew had suffered hurt too much.

Nolan glanced at Ryder’s house. He should go over and talk to him. How much time had passed since Ryder had stumbled away? A minute, ten minutes? He hadn’t even tried to stop him.

Slowly, Nolan made his way over to Ryder’s place, worry swirling with pain. His wife and Andrew had died in the same wreck. The tire had come from Andrew’s vehicle. Grief didn’t think logically. Grief couldn’t reason that Andrew wasn’t really at fault.

Was forgiveness even an option?

Was there anything to forgive? Nolan hadn't been in the car and hadn't had anything to do with the accident. He'd been at home, nowhere near Atlanta. But he should have been there. They'd planned the trip, but he'd canceled at the last moment because Andrew's plans had changed, and Nolan chose to stay in Virginia and work. Could the accident have been prevented if only he'd gone to Atlanta that week?

When the men had shown up at his place of work, he’d known something terrible had happened. They’d told him, and he’d held it together until he made his way to the back of the office and lost it.

The moment he found out Andrew had died, he considered his life over. Maybe he shouldn't even try with Ryder. He had known the best man in the world, and if he compared Ryder to Andrew…he couldn't compare them. They were so different from each other. Sure, they were both men, but Andrew had been dedicated to the military and the men in his unit. Nolan had known he took second place. Ryder seemed more open. Like if they developed a deep relationship, he would always put Nolan first.

He wasn't sure what to do, but he couldn't let this fester between them. If he said nothing, maybe the pain would be less at this moment, but they'd developed a friendship, and he knew it would be destroyed if he didn't go to Ryder today.

Nolan knocked, but nothing happened. Giving up wouldn't help, so he opened the door and was about to step in when he heard sobs. His heart melted, and he moved into the den, hunting down the sound.

He found Ryder in the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. They'd both lost so much and yet they'd found each other.

“Ryder,” Nolan said quietly, not wanting to scare him.

Ryder's head whipped up, and his eyes narrowed. "What are you doing in here?"

“We should talk.”

“Talk? Why? Your husband killed my wife. I looked. I never looked for it before, but it was there. He was driving the truck that killed my wife.”

Nolan squeezed his hands as a flash of anger whipped through him, almost causing him to respond without thinking. He drew in a deep breath and blew it out.

“You know that tire flying off the truck wasn’t his fault. No one could have seen that coming.”

“He was driving.”

Pain filled Nolan. The wreck wasn’t Andrew fault. “He didn’t do anything to make the bolts sheer. It was a manufacturing defect.”

Ryder hopped up and closed the distance between them in a second. "He shouldn't have been there. He killed my wife. Did you already know that? Is that why you came here? So you could tempt me, and then what were you going to do, ruin me? You did this on purpose to destroy my life because it wasn't enough that your husband already destroyed me."

Nolan shook his head. “What are you talking about? I didn’t know who you were.”

"You just happened to move next door, and now you're in my bed, trying to get me to let you fuck me. Was that the plan?"

“There was no plan. You know that as well as I do.”

Ryder pushed him up against the wall, and panic flashed through Nolan. This could end badly if Ryder didn't calm the fuck down. He glanced to the side, looking for a way to defend himself, when Ryder let up.

“Fuck! Just get out of here.”

Nolan didn’t want to leave, but Ryder wasn’t himself, and Nolan feared what would happen if he stayed. But he couldn’t just walk out and leave Ryder like this.

“No,” Nolan said.

Ryder's eyes narrowed, and his forehead wrinkled. "What do you mean, no?"

"I mean, no. I'm not leaving you. You've had enough of that. Neither of us was at that wreck, and neither of us is at fault. Your wife and my husband died. It's not fair at all. Nothing about them being gone is fair."

Ryder threw up his hands. “I can’t deal with this.”

"Yes, you can." Nolan took a step closer to Ryder, then hesitantly reached up and cupped his face.

Anger and fear raced over Ryder's features as his muscles clenched. It took a moment, but when Ryder finally relaxed, his expression settled on sadness.

“How can we be together?” Ryder asked.

Nolan smoothed his thumb over Ryder's cheek. "I don't know that we can. I don't know what our future holds. But I do know that being kind to one another isn't going to dishonor the memories we have of our spouses. Your love for Amy is going to be there forever. I know that because no matter what happens, my love for Andrew is inside me. I'll never stop loving him. We've both suffered, and nothing will take that away. Maybe if I'd been in Atlanta that week, Andrew wouldn't have been driving that vehicle, but who knows. You aren't at fault, and neither am I. It was an accident."

Ryder’s body shook seconds before he let out a sob that filled the room. They clung to each other as they cried fresh tears for their loss. Nolan knew feeling guilty wasn’t helping the situation. He wasn’t at fault just because he hadn’t gone to Atlanta. It was one of those weird things that happened.

Eventually, Ryder pulled away, his eyes downcast. "You need to leave."

Any hope Nolan had washed away. Ryder was done with them. He'd known getting involved with a straight guy would have its ups and downs. The realization that Andrew had been driving the vehicle that had caused the wreck was too much for Ryder.

Nolan nodded and turned, wishing Ryder would realize they shouldn’t punish themselves for a stupid accident. There wouldn’t be an easy path to forgiveness. This was it.

He walked out of Ryder's house, his heart shattering as he headed to his place. If he saved everything and stopped eating out, he could buy out the contract and move somewhere else. Living here, next to Ryder, would be too much. He couldn't face seeing Ryder and knowing that whatever wonderful thing that had happened between them was gone. They were over, even before they got the chance to see how awesome they could be.