9. Jax

Jax

I 'm not proud of the fact that I fled the kitchen after Gideon's big announcement, but it was too much. We barely knew each other alive and barely exchanged a handful of sentences when I thought he was a hallucination. He knew I was the one?

How?

What's wrong with me? I thought Louis was the one. I mean, I was convinced he was the one. It was so bad, I'd committed myself to marrying him. What does that say about me? My taste in men is questionable.

They leave me alone, which is good, because I sit through the night and let the words seep into me. Once I get past the guilt, there is the love, the certainty, the awe. But I lock that inside. Because whenever I close my eyes, I see one image above all others, the three of them dead by Louis' hand. I don't want that.

I get up at the crack of dawn and sneak into the kitchen. Rafe looks up and gives me a tired smile. His hair is messy, and he looks flat and exhausted. My heart twinges with guilt.

"You didn't sleep?"

He shakes his head. "No, I don't think any of us did." He slides a mug of coffee my way and takes a sip of his own. "It was a pretty heavy bombshell that he dropped last night. It changed things, but I'm not sure what." Oh, the caution in his voice. I can see the guarded pain in his eyes. I think I love him even more at that moment .

I know what he's asking. I slide into his space, shoulder-to-shoulder with him. "Some things, not this thing."

His entire body relaxes.

"Can you come with me this morning? I need to go back for something I left at my old apartment."

Rafe nods. "Sure. You have that appointment with Sparrow today, don't you?"

"Yes," I growl. "I hate that man."

"Me, too."

"I'm going to run and get dressed."

Rafe catches my arm and pulls me back. "One thing first." His lips touch on mine, teasing and caressing, until I've forgotten all about Sparrow. It's only when he lets me slide down his body and my toes touch the ground that I realise I've been wrapped around him.

"Meet me back here," Rafe says against my lips.

"Uh-huh." I take a wobbly step back and don't miss the flash of masculine pride on his lips.

He chuckles as I quickly remove myself from temptation. I'm ready in fifteen minutes and standing at the front door while Rafael gives Dane last-minute instructions on how to clean the bathrooms.

"I still don't know why I have to do it."

"Because you're the neat freak," Rafael snipes. "If we do it, you'll just do it again, but you'll bitch at us the whole time about how if we'd just done it your way, you wouldn't have to do it again. I'm saving you, Dane. This is an act of goodwill."

"Ah, ha, sure. I appreciate the effort," Dane says with dry sarcasm. I snort a laugh and both of them look at me. Dane struts over and cups my neck. "Good morning, beautiful."

I close my eyes as his lips drift over my face, pressing lingering butterfly kisses everywhere .

"Go have fun today, my sexy love," Dane purrs.

My knees go weak, and I almost cancel there on the spot, but Rafe pulls me free of Dane's intoxicating aura and pushes me out the front door.

"Bye!" I call out and crane my head around, I'm searching, but I can't see him. I let out a disappointed sigh. "Where is Gideon?"

"He's out."

I press my lips together tight and slide into the passenger seat.

It seems like just moments, and we're standing outside my old apartment. I give Rafe a guilty look. "I'm sorry, I was distracted."

He smiles gently, and I remember again why I fell for this man. "It's fine."

I stare at the door. "Who do you think lives there now?"

He frowns. "I thought you still leased it."

"Well, no. I was planning on breaking in," I say in disquiet.

"It's got your name on the door plaque," Rafe says and points to the plaque saying J. Shade.

A shiver goes up my spine, but I ignore it. We enter the building; it seems even more depressing than it did before. I pull out the spare key I kept just in case and open the door. The emptiness I expected isn't there. The familiar walls that I want aren't there. Instead, I find myself taking stumbling steps inside.

Desperate to conceal it. I whip around and slam the door a moment after Rafe slips inside. I lock the door, then put on the deadlock and put on the chain. Only then do I whirl around, leaning against the door, and take it all in.

Rafe grips my hand painfully tight. I take a few steps into the middle of the room and turn in a circle, my eyes widening as my breathing gets raspier and raspier. It's insanity.

"What is this?" Rafe says on a choked gasp.

I sob, trying, fighting for air, but my lungs are seized under the powerful fear that only he can give me. "Louis. This is Louis. "

The walls are covered in photos. So many photos. Most of them are of me at home, working at Eugene's. There are some taken in Sparrow's office.

Me crying in the street.

Me in the parking lot.

Me at the Red Shard.

River hugging me. Eddie holding me. Jacob Keylore, me, and the guys standing in the cemetery. Us at the school. There isn't a tiny part of my life in the last five years that isn't documented and stuck to a wall. There are pictures of me dancing in this room, sleeping in a singlet, naked, fully dressed, curled on my side, on my back, on my stomach, crying, yelling, screaming, laughing, smiling. I'm in profile, in portrait, I'm staring at the camera, I'm in the distance.

My skin won't stop crawling. Nausea rises up my throat, threatening to bring me to my knees. I never escaped him. Everything I ever believed was wrong. It was all an illusion. I have no power here.

On the floor is a trail of photos. I follow them. I'm smiling. I'm laughing. I'm crying. I look so lonely and so brutalized. Each photo brings memories and snapshots of my lonely life. I was never alone. He was with me. I follow the path of photos as it leads me into the bedroom and spirals around the floor of the room, and in the middle of that spiral is that fucking ring.

I close my eyes. Trying to block it out. Ruby red, my real, true engagement ring. How many times do I have to lose this thing? It keeps coming back over and over. Taunting me. Claiming me. Owning me.

I'm never going to be free.

"I never escaped him. Not even for a second." The realisation is crushing. Devastating. The tiny flames of hope I have for the future stutter and extinguish. Rafe grips me from behind.

"You escaped him. You did. And you'll do it again. "

"I didn't," I protest. He doesn't understand just how completely my life has been documented.

"He wasn't here. Louis didn't have you. He has to sit back and watch. That's not winning. Trust me, watching the woman you love with someone else isn't winning."

"Is that how you feel when I'm with Dane and Gideon?" I ask bitterly.

Rafe tenses. "No, but that's because I love them equally. I trust them. But this, for a man this possessive, would have been excruciating. Can't you see? He's done this because he's desperate. He's losing, and he's panicking."

I grip his arms around me and cling to those words, pulling myself painfully, step by step, back from the ledge.

I stare blindly within the arms of the man I love. The sheer volume of photos is overwhelming. There must be thousands here.

Wait…wait a minute.

I struggle out of Rafe's hold and rush to the center of the room, crouching to scoop up the damn ring. I place it on my ring finger, ignoring the censure from Rafe as I pick up the photos. With frantic movements I check every one while I collect them into a pile.

"We need them all, Rafe," I shout.

He nods and vanishes from the room. I follow the trail out, staring at them feverishly as I gather them into a pile.

"He's close. He's so close to me," I whisper. When my hands get too full, I stack them on the kitchen counters and go back to grab more.

Rafe comes out of the bathroom, his face is pale. Alarm bells rattle in my head. I go to him and touch his arm, he swallows convulsively, but the smell of dahlia's is coming from inside that room. I ease around him. The bathroom is full of images of the guys. The moment they stepped into town, he's been photographing them.

I turn around in a slow circle. There are photos of Mason, but not many. None of Terrance, and there is nothing of Gideon. I exhale slowly, relief and a tiny bit of hope make my chest feel lighter.

"He doesn't know about Gideon," I say in a whisper to Rafe.

Rafe does a double take and then looks around carefully, his eyes widening in disbelief. "You're right."

I bite my lower lip and race around the room, grabbing photos as quickly as I can. "Hurry, we have to get back to Sparrow."

"Yeah, I'd love to hear his take."

"Don't go there. He'd probably have a wet dream over this."

Rafe and I laugh, but there's still this sick, growing pressure. It takes us another fifteen minutes, and by then, we are almost running late. I rush into Sparrow's office and get ushered straight in.

I sit in the egg-shaped chair and lock my fingers together. Sparrow leans back on that expensive black throne of his, studying me like my sweat can tell where I've been.

"Well, you look good today. I can see you made some effort with your appearance. Is that because of those boys you are dating?"

"Hello, Doctor. Um, yes. We are going to lunch. I wanted to look nice for them." Any good mood I had, evaporates. He's not in a good mood today.

Sparrow sighs heavily and puts his notepad down. "I'm not sure you're ready to be in a relationship, but you've heard my views. Let's move on."

I sit impatiently, trying desperately to hide it.

"Louis Falcon. He's in the wind or dead, depending on what you believe. Having met Titan," I'm not surprised by this admission, but I don't show it, "I can't see him pulling off being a copycat. So talk me through your theories. Did you think it was Louis or not?"

I sit in stony rage. "I insisted repeatedly that it wasn't him."

"But how did you know?" Sparrow insists.

I wonder when my psychology appointments devolved into this hunt for Louis but can't place an exact moment. "It just was gut instinct."

Sparrow makes a rude sound and stands up. He wanders to his window and stares out. "Astaire Jagger is gone."

I don't make a sound.

"I checked my notes. You mentioned him frequently. He's one of the few people you were friendly with."

My stomach feels like it's suddenly filled with stones. "It might be nothing. Maybe he went out of town to see his family."

"It might be him, too," Sparrow points out. "I don't believe he's done."

If my theory is right, Louis could be anyone in my life. Could he be Sparrow? Louis is that narcissistic, he'd enjoy it. Fucking with me from a front-row seat. That would be right up his alley.

"The real question is: what does he want?" Sparrow paces the office. "Is it power, love, revenge? What is his motive?"

I clamp my fingers over my other hand, hiding the ring I'm wearing. "I'm not sure. He liked having attention, he loved having people like him look up to him."

Sparrow turns to look at me. "That is interesting. He craves attention, craves the need to be respected. A perfectly valid and human condition."

I study the doctor in a way I never have. "Have you ever died, Doctor?"

Sparrow pauses in his stalking and gives me a look. "I don't answer personal questions, but I will just this once. No, I've never died before." He pauses, licking his lips. "Have you?"

I can't answer his question because he has my medical files, and it isn't in my medical files. I shake my head. I'm disappointed not to have another shred of evidence, but he could be lying.

I am.

"Why are you asking?"

"We see so much death, and I've been wondering what's on the other side. Where do we go? Is there a heaven or hell? Are we reincarnated, ghosts, spirits? All that."

"Ah, an existential crisis. Useless. Pointless. This is because of Mason saving your life, isn't it? So cliché."

I nod.

"He's alive. He survived. It was tragic. You should put it out of your mind."

"Okay, Doctor."

He sits down in his chair and picks up his folder. "I want to hear about how you lived in that first year, when you both stayed in cars. Tell me about how Louis behaved."

I talk until my voice is hoarse, and he finally finishes our session three hours later. I feel wrung out and exhausted.

"We'll make our appointment in a week."

I glance up, horrified. "But-"

"I know we agreed to fortnightly, but I really don't think you're ready yet, I'm concerned about you. Deeply concerned."

I bite back the disappointment and incline my head. "All right, thank you."

He stands up, walking me to the door ,and opens it. "Stay safe, Jackie, and if you see anything, any sign that this copycat is back or the real Louis has resurfaced, you are to call me straight away. I'm the only one who can protect you."

I peer up at him. His watery blue eyes shine with conviction. I nod tightly and slide past him, my arm brushing against his body. He doesn't move, just keeps staring until I'm out on the street in the bitter cold.

I shudder and walk quickly around the corner to where I find Gideon waiting for me. His arms are folded over a black leather jacket, and when he looks up, his jaw tenses. I jog over to him and throw myself into his arms. Not even the stench of the alley can suppress my relief at seeing him.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he murmurs and kisses my head.

I start to laugh, a hysterical sound that would no doubt get me committed if Sparrow were to hear. "Oh, just a normal day in the Louis Falcon fan club. Did Rafe fill you in?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Good, good. Let's get out of here. I need to get away. Sparrow makes my skin crawl."

Gideon glances at the building I came out of and growls. "How bad was it?"

"It was…yeah, it was bad." I slump. "He's getting impatient."

"Let's go get some food into you and talk."

I hear the subtext. We haven't talked. Are we okay or not? He's right. I reach out and slide my hand into his as we disappear into the shadows of Hurricane.

And we've done this before, he and I. Just like this. The familiarity lifts my heart like nothing could.