3. Jax

Jax

I curl up on the balustrade and stare out at the darkened sky. It's been two weeks since I took off to find Gideon. Two weeks since I accepted that he's not here anymore. Two weeks since I spoke to Dane, since that magical moment in the car that I had to bury.

I'm breaking the promise I made to him. I know I am, but I'm lost. So much has changed, and I need time.

It's not that I've been hiding. I need to heal, to grieve, and to do that, I need to be alone, but this mansion is so full of people. They follow me around asking me if I'm okay; hint, no, I'm not. If I want something; no, I don't. Can they take me to Eddie, River, Dane, or Rafe? Not a chance in hell.

No. I need space. But the garden of dahlia's are waving in the wind, taunting me. Reminding that there is no time, and burying my head in the sand won't help me.

I hear footsteps, and look up. My anger drains away as I find Richard walking out, his head in his tablet. He looks up, sees me, and scowls.

See, he hasn't changed his behaviour. He's always unhappy to see me.

"Hey, Richard."

"What are you doing out here?"

I give him a lazy half smile. "Hiding from all the do-gooders who want me to be all peaches and cream. "

I swear, I see amusement, but it's gone in a flash. "People care about you."

"Yup. I know."

"You should be more grateful."

"Oh, I am grateful." It's hard not to be offended at this conversation. He has no idea. None whatsoever. Who is he to judge?

"If that's true, why are you pushing everyone away?"

I swing my legs down in front of me and glare at him. "Because everyone ends up dead."

He nods his head solemnly. "So?"

My mouth falls open. "What?"

"So, everyone in there knows that already. Louis will kill your friends and family, blah blah blah, it's boring. Those people in there are all adults. They decided on their own to care about you. Since when is friendship or caring a one-way street?"

"Being your friend doesn't get you killed," I snap back. I wrap my arms around myself and lean against the side of the house.

"Can I tell you something?"

I nod.

"You're acting like a spoiled brat. God, it's miserable. All you do is skulk in shadows, and everyone treads around you on broken glass, trying not to make a sound that might upset you. Jackie, life is cruel, and it's short. I was in love once, really in love, engaged to be married."

"What happened?"

"She died. Because it's life, and we can't predict these things, all we can do is live. Hiding away…hasn't helped you at all, now has it? But I can attest to the fact that it's caused your family years of anguish. But, hey, I'm just an old, rich guy. What the fuck do I know?"

My cheeks are burning. I can't even look up. When I try to clear my throat, try to say something, I find I can't. The words are locked away with a cage of shame and guilt. I glance up, the words finally within my grasp, but I waited too long, he's gone. I wrap my arms around myself and try to ignore the guilt he stirred up.

I don't want people to die. My distance is justified. Isn't it? I rub my wrist, running my thumb back and forth over the skin. It's become a habit of mine since I found Gideon gone. And that is the crux of it. It's not just them dying that is why I'm staying away. It's how much it hurts me when they go.

Losing him is like losing my best friend. There was a dark light in my world that caused my blood to run fast, that brought my smile out, and now it's gone. The world is sluggish and hollow. There are only two people who bring back that light, and I've been trying my best to avoid them.

I go over the scenarios again, the ones that plague me during the hours I try to sleep. In the morning, I wake up, and River is captured. I see him dead. A part of me will die with him. My father's empty eyes stare up at me. Another piece of me dies. Rafe and Dane vanish from my life, and there is nothing.

That's where I'm at. I'm running out of reasons to stay strong, running out of people to keep me anchored to this world. I'm scared to lose anyone else. If losing Rafe or Dane is as painful as losing Gideon…I know I won't survive it.

So, Richard can go fuck himself. He's wrong. These people have long lives ahead of them, and as long as I know they are alive in the world, I don't need more. I can be okay with that.

I nod my head and throw myself down the stairs, trotting towards the dahlia's. I deliberately avoid the gazebo, heading deeper into the gardens to a place my father gave me when I moved in.

I don't come here often, but there's a driving need in me today. The wild roses are overgrown, and I have to push them back. The small stone is still white and clean. I kneel in front of the marker and brush my hair back .

"Mum. I haven't been around. Lots has happened."

I sigh heavily and look up at the sky, blinking back tears.

"The truth is, Mum, you were right. The world, it's not what we expect, and sometimes, we're simply at the whims of people who are stronger than us. I tried, Mum. I thought the life I had was the dream. It was until it turned into a nightmare. Now, he won't let me go. And the people around me…I'm a leaf being blown around on the whims of their wind gusts. Descario, Wayland, those detectives want to put me in a hole in the ground, Mum. Eddie, he wants to wrap me up, keep me safe, but it's still a cage. Sparrow wants what he can get. He's going to use me for fame or an experiment. And, Louis, Mum…he's so fucking smart, so charming, he could be anywhere. But he's alive, even after I…" I sob and collapse on my knees, doubled over. "I killed him, Mum, he was dead. Now, he's back, and I don't know what he wants, but he's not taking it from me, he's taking it from everyone around me."

I sob for a couple of minutes, letting all the fear and frustration I've been holding in out.

"Everyone around me keeps dying. He's taking them away from me, one by one. It's punishment, you see. But he was going to kill me first. I just got lucky. I didn't go in there to murder him. Love, that's why I went. I loved him, I went in because I thought he was…god, sounds so stupid, cheating. Not once, never, I mean, you don't ever think that someone will be doing that. I want Gideon back. I know you're still around, and maybe, if you see him, you could tell him to come back."

My sobs make it impossible to speak for a minute.

"I don't know what I did wrong…but, Mum, if you ever loved me, if you ever did anything for me, do this. Send him back. I need him, I need him so much. I can't do this without him." The words barely come out before I'm curled up on my side, sobbing so much my chest hurts.

The day passes slowly, and eventually, I brush myself off and head inside the house. I close the expensive French glass doors and turn, only to stop dead.

River stares at me. For a long moment, we're caught. The silence gets thick and heavy. I take an unconscious step towards him, and his eyes widen with what looks like fear. He turns on his heel and rushes out of the room, the marble throws the sound of his footsteps as he hurries away.

I stop dead, feeling a rejection that burns cold. I don't chase him. Oh, I know I could, but I've never had a reaction like that from him. But it confirms something that's been nagging at me. This is the first time I've seen River since that night. He's avoiding me.

Okay.

Wow, I wonder if other people feel this way when I do it to them. That thick syrup of guilt that Richard stirred up gets thicker. I wander through the house and pause at the bottom of the stairs. Due to the many doctors and nurses, my room had been moved to one of the downstairs guest rooms.

But Mason, Dane, and Rafe are up there. I should go see Mason, make sure he's okay. Before I can think, I'm three steps up the staircase. I hesitate and then move another few. My heart is pounding, and I see the blood and hazel, no green eyes. I pause, my hands slick with sweat, and wipe them on my jeans.

What did I see? Probably nothing. It was dark and light, and Mason was dying. It was nothing.

I need to know if I'm crazy.

I climb more of the stairs until I find myself in a hallway. I edge down it, shifting my weight carefully to avoid the sounds of footsteps .

From deeper, I hear the gruff sounds of men talking, and I move closer, my curiosity and apprehension driving. The carpet muffles my sounds; the dark feels natural as it wraps around me. I reach out, letting my fingers slide along the cold wall.

The door is ajar when I get there, and I look into the room. Dane is sitting on a chair, his legs hanging off the side of it. His head is thrown back. Mason is sitting in bed, but he's sitting up, with his legs crossed at the ankle. He looks thinner but healthy. I find the third male easily. Rafe is sitting in another chair with his head in his hands.

I want to go to him and kneel, make him look at me, tell him it will be okay.

"She won't let us see her."

Mason shrugs. "Give her space."

I frown. His voice is deeper than I remember. Did the surgery affect him? A thrill of panic twangs inside me, and I edge closer.

"How much space? I can't take this. Sparrow is tormenting her daily. It's getting harder and harder to find alternatives for those drugs he's trying to feed her. I almost got caught swapping them out this morning," Dane snaps.

My heart thumps heavily in my chest, and I study Dane like I've never seen him before.

"She will come when she's ready," Mason growls.

"She won't speak to Eddie. Or any of her family. She avoids the staff. She actively runs away when she sees us," Rafe says in exhaustion.

Guilt swamps me.

But when Mason looks up, and our eyes meet, my heart seizes in my chest. I go completely and utterly still, studying him.

"When she's ready to talk, we'll be here," Mason says calmly to me .

I clench my hands into fists, even as my heart gallops, running away with panic, with terror.

"Green eyes," I whisper.

Rafe's head snaps up. Dane drops his legs to the floor and spins. And now I find myself pinned by three sets of eyes. But Mason is looking at me in a way that isn't Mason at all. I stumble and hit the wall.

"Jax?"

I look up and find Rafe staring down at me, anguish on his face. I throw myself into his arms and squeeze tightly. As if I can protect him with my love alone. Who is that man in the bed? It's not Mason, I don't think it's Mason.

But…chills run down my spine. Is it Louis?

Rafe lets me go but stays close. I peer through the open door, watching the man who lays calmly in the bed watching me.

"Hello, Jax."

I whimper at the sound of my name on his voice.

"I've been looking forward to meeting you, at last."

He doesn't speak like Mason. At all. It's taken all this time, but I finally recognise something I've known deep inside. Mason is gone. He's dead.

This isn't my Mason.

My voice is rough, aggressive when I move into the room. "Who are you?"

He smiles, just slightly. He's so calm and assured. I don't think he's Louis, either. I edge around the bed until I stand by his side. He waits while I lean closer, sitting on the edge of the bed, needing to be closer to his level to see if I'm right.

He snaps his arms up suddenly. I just manage to hold the scream inside. One hand grips my throat and the other lays flat over my heart that pounds furiously underneath .

I watch as he smiles, lifts the hand over my heart and draws a cross.

"Cross my heart," Gideon says in Mason's voice.