2. Jax

Jax

T he haze of the world slowly comes into focus. The white room isn't the one I expect to see, but that doesn't even matter in my mind. I peer through drug-dulled eyes at the world around me. I can't find sadness or curiosity. My emotions are gone. Even though the room is white, it's muted. For a long time, that's all I know. Just white. It's how I feel inside.

"And how does that make you feel?" Doctor Sparrow's voice is so far away, like he's talking down a tunnel. I can't even be afraid of him here. When did he get here?

"I feel…sad." I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything, but I know the words to fill the blank spaces. A man's voice whispered into my ear in the dark and told me the words to say.

Strangely, I don't think to question his instructions.

"Mason got shot trying to save you, and you feel sad? Why did you leave the club?" He's asked me this already, but I'm not annoyed. His pen flies across the pad, and he glances at the corner of the room. Blinking red light means a camera. The knowledge comes and goes as I turn away from it, watching Sparrow frown.

"Because Phil said so," I explain again. "He said I had to."

Sparrow slams his pen down on his notepad. "Tell me about Louis. Where is he? How did he get away? What has he been doing all this time?"

My mind retreats, turning down a different path. I refuse to go near that one .

Sparrow purses his lips and stands up. I've made him angry. Once, I used to be afraid of making him angry. Now, I just don't care. His head is shiny.

I follow the path of weird thoughts away.

"I'll be back tomorrow."

"Thank you, Doctor," I parrot in a dead voice.

He scowls and turns away. "Take her off the diazepam." I think he's speaking to someone else, but I can't look up from the carpet long enough to care.

"Will she be okay without it? She's had a tremendous shock?"

I don't recognise that voice. It's a female. Probably a nurse.

"She is my patient, and I decide what she will be okay with. No more drugs. I want her mind clear within the next week."

"Yes, Doctor."

There's a bang, and then darkness. In my memory, the faces are bright and in shockingly high definition. Phil's sweat slides down his nose. I can count every pore. I can see the way his hand spasms around the gun, the blood vessels in his eyes pulsing as his pupils expand. He's afraid. So much fear. I don't know why, though.

I look down, and there is Mason. My Mason. My friend, the one I should have been with. I killed him. That thought rings like a bell, but even now, I don't feel anything. He's just lying there on the ground. He opens his eyes, and they are green.

I recognise there is something wrong with the fact that I don't feel anything, but I can't seem to figure out how to care. I watch his face, the scar on his cheekbone, the beautiful hazel eyes I used to moon over are gone. His lips are bloody red as he mouths my name.

Not Jax. He calls me Jackie. To him I'm Jackie.

Why are his eyes green?

Why am I so many different people? Jackie. Jojo. Jax. Daughter, sister, lover. I don't know who I am. It's stolen. A boy came along and stole it, and then more came and stole that, too. They stole it with needles full of drugs and white jackets in empty rooms, and they told me who I was.

I am…justice. Penance. Whore. I am guilty, innocent, wrong, right. I'm bad and good and my father's daughter and my mother's spawn.

But that sounds wrong. It sounds wrong on Mason's imaginary lips.

I hear a noise, the clatter of a tray, and look up. Rafael is crouched in front of me, picking up a shard of porcelain. I stare at him and feel something. I don't know what it is, but it's warm and soft. It's confusing. I want to go back to the safe numbness of the world, but his eyes stare at me.

Gold eyes. Not green or hazel.

His lips form words I hear but don't absorb. He creeps over to me and unties the straps wrapped around my wrists. I don't even know when they were put there. His hand is warm in mine, and he's so gentle. I want him to stay.

He doesn't call me whore. It takes a while for the word to translate into my foggy brain, and by then, he's gone. The word he calls me is love.

The fog lifts, and I feel it all. I curl up into myself, sliding down the bed, trying to block all the pain out. All of it.

The white goes out, and dark starts, but he doesn't come. Behind the thick fog, I knew that he wasn't here. I've been building into a wall, trying to prevent the wave of emotion that will try to drown me. Because he's not here, and he should be.

I put my wrist into my mouth and bite, trying to muffle the sounds of my sobs. Did he die? Did I kill him, too? Did he realise what a mess I was and cross over? I don't know. But I have no answers. I pull my wrist from my mouth and lie there.

I lick my lips .

"Gideon?" The sound of my voice is a mere croak of noise. I clear my throat. "Gideon, please, where are you?"

I call long into the night until my eyes are puffy and burning, until my voice is hoarse. But he never appears. When the light comes again, I close my eyes so I can stay in the darkness.

***

"She called for him again all night last night. This man named Gideon, but no one knows who he is."

I ignore the voice and continue pretending to be asleep.

"We've asked everyone. Whoever he is, he's long gone."

The words are knives to my chest. Long gone. Is he long gone? I feel a sob try to work its way out, but I swallow it back down.

"Hey, my little girl, you up?"

I recognise that voice now. It's Eddie. I sit up slowly and turn in his direction. The bright world seems extra painfully bright today, and I feel washed out and exhausted, but I find the man and reach out to him with relief. "Dad."

"I'm so glad you're okay. So glad." He sits on the edge of the bed, angled towards me, and hugs me hard. The sheets are crisp and clean. Which is confusing because I slept in them. "It took us a while to get you away from those quacks, but you're home. You're home now. Look at what they did to you! I promise they won't take you again!"

My eyes well with tears. I'm home? This is home? I'm not locked up again?

"What happened?" I ask. My voice sounds terrible, and my throat hurts .

"The doctor said not to say," a second voice warns. I glance over to see Stevie standing there, looking unsure. Her vibrant red hair is so bright that, for a moment, I'm mesmerized.

Dad sighs. "Phil took you to the mechanics next to the Shard. Do you remember?" I nod. "He tried to shoot you, but Mason saved you."

Tears spring to my eyes as the night plays out in my head. "River?"

"He's okay. He's in his room, resting. Riv had a late night last night." Eddie takes my face in his hands, pulling back until I can see him clearly. "Jackie, Mason is alive. He survived."

I blink rapidly. "What?" My voice is so soft.

"He survived the gunshot. It was touch and go, but he made it. Everyone's okay. No one died."

A sob bursts out of me, and my dad throws his arms around me, squeezing me tight. He holds me while this wave of emotion pours over me – relief, fear, grief – all of it comes out, and the whole time, he just rocks us both, telling me it's okay.

But it's not. It's not. Because it's not a copycat. It's Louis. I'm sure of it. I don't know how, nor do I know why, but I know with one hundred percent certainty that Louis Falcon is alive. Somehow.

And Gideon is gone.

I curse my father for making me remember. The fear and the grief are stronger now the feelings are back.

I shiver and hold on to my father as tight as he holds on to me.

"Come on, I can take you to see him if you like."

I hesitate, thinking about the blood-red lips and those frightened hazel and green eyes. I shake my head. "No. It's okay. I'll see him tomorrow."

Eddie studies me in silence. I can almost feel the concern, but he doesn't press. He simply nods and stands up. His eyes, so much like River's, scan me, taking in every part of me .

"Jackie, you're home. You're safe here in the mansion. No one will hurt you."

I don't mention the small fact that Phil was almost part of our family.

"I've got extra security. We've got nurses from the hospital, and I've replaced Sparrow's staff with my own. No one is getting in or out. And no one is taking you from us again."

Clearly, our versions of safe differ.

"Where are Rafe and Dane?"

Eddie blows out his cheeks. "Well, Dane hasn't left Mason's side. It's been strange. I didn't think those two were friends at all, and Rafe, he has been here with you every minute. When we saw you were going to be okay, I sent him to bed. That was, uh…three hours ago."

I flinch. "Rafe stayed with me?"

"Slept in a car outside the psych ward. When I brought you home, he and Dane moved in. That man loves you very much, Jackie. His devotion is intense. You're a very lucky woman," my father says gruffly. "I'm glad to know you've got someone on your side."

I peer up at him and nod. "I know he does. I love him, too," I admit softly.

"Look, rest up. I'll have some food sent in for you. Don't you worry about a thing. Everything is taken care of."

"Dad!" I call out before he gets to the door.

"Yes?"

"Uh, how long has it been?"

My dad pales, and he looks old suddenly. "It's been two months." With that, he gives me a tight-lipped smile and leaves, pulling the door closed behind him .

It's been two months this time. I should be thankful. Last time it was nine. I push myself up and feel how weak my body has gotten in the time I've spent inside my head. Shit.

I've gone and messed up really badly.

He's dead.

He's alive.

Hazel.

Green.

Rafe smiling.

Dane frowning.

Titan's head explodes.

Black dahlia's doodled on my skin.

A flower burned into my hip.

I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, focus on not letting my head get away from me. I've survived worse. I'm a survivor. But last time, I had Gideon. He was with me.

I need to see Rafe. I long to see him. Then I have to see Dane. But, first, I need to find out what happened to Gideon.

Which means I need to go for a short drive.

I open the wardrobe and find all my clothes. A whole heap of stuff is new, so I snatch up anything dark. I shuffle into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I look like shit. But I'm alive and sane.

I take the world's quickest shower, but even when the water is scalding, I still don't feel warm.

It only takes me about an hour to sneak out of the house. I find someone's car sitting unattended in a driveway and take possession of it.

The drive feels like it takes forever, but it doesn't. Probably only twenty minutes. I get to the overlook and park the car. A train blares its horn and torpedoes past. It's early. There are hours of daylight left. I watch them pass with a calm that isn't natural .

As soon as it starts to get dark, I get out of the car, legs trembling, wiping sweaty palms on my jeans. As the last vestiges of daylight edge away, my mind gets a little bit sharper.

I stand there in the dark and wait. I wait until my legs feel like jelly.

He's not coming. He's really not coming. Somehow, I didn't really believe that he wouldn't come.

I can't breathe! Oh, god, what am I going to do? He's gone. He's really gone.

A car pulls up, but I don't even turn. I don't say anything when the person comes and stands beside me. Nor when he puts his arms around me. I don't say anything when I turn into his chest and hold on to him.

"It's going to be okay, Jax," Dane says evenly.

I don't believe him. I don't even know what I think. All I can think is just that he's not here. He's gone somewhere I can't follow, and the ache of that loss is worse than the loss of Louis. It's worse than his death. It's worse than all the nightmarish days that followed.

The dark that used to hold my friend is empty. The ghost I loved is gone. There's a moment where I want to succumb to the craziness calling at my mind, but then Dane turns in my arms, tilting my head back. He stares into my eyes, pulling me back to here, to now.

"Don't disappear anymore. The last two months have been unbearable. Stay here with us."

He slams his lips down on mine, and the cobwebs holding my mind shatter. I wrap my arms around him, clinging to him, tears rolling down my cheeks, and when his tears mingle with mine, we ignore it. Kissing like it is the only thing keeping us together.

I turn in his arms, pulling at his jacket, pushing it off his arms. "Make me feel, Dane. Don't leave me alone in the dark anymore. "

He slides his hands up my stomach, raising my top before he pulls it over my head.

"I'm here," he says in between kisses. His hands slide around my back and grab my ass, pulling me up against him. "I'm here. I'm all in, and I'm not going anywhere."

I reach for his jeans, needing him inside me.

"Jax, are you sure?"

I pause, staring at him. He's never been so uncertain of me before. Does he think I'm broken?

"We're in public," Dane whispers against my mouth. "Are you sure you want to do it here?"

"I want you to fuck me against this car, right here, right now."

Part of me thinks if we do this, it might bring Gideon back. The other half is clinging to Dane's strength. I need to feel alive again.

I slide my hand inside his pants and grip him. I get the same thrill holding him now as I did before. Especially when he makes that sound.

"I'm sure. Please, Dane, just make me feel alive again."

He pulls his pants down and grabs them. "Take your pants off and come with me."

He opens the back of his SUV and climbs in. I don't hesitate, climbing up after him. It's a bit cramped, but I barely get a moment to think. He grips me and yanks me across his lap.

I lift my face to kiss him, but he grips my jaw.

"I'm not fucking you, Jax. I'm going to make love to you."

A bubble of laughter erupts out of me. "I'm sorry, but are you sure?"

Dane glares at me. "I'm offended."

I lean forward, pressing my lips to his. "I'm sorry, don't be offended. "

"I wasn't joking when I said I'm all in. The last two months have cemented how I feel about you. I don't want to have a life without you in it."

"We barely know each other," I whisper.

"I know, and yet, when they took you away, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything but feel this desperate ache in me. This frantic fear. It was the same fear I felt when Terrance-" He cuts himself off, closing his eyes. "It wasn't the same," he whispers. "It was worse. You got under my skin, Jax. I couldn't…I just…I didn't think I could feel this way. I can't lose you."

I lean down and press my lips to his. "Dane." I pull back, staring at him until I know I have his attention. "I love you, too."

His soft, shaky inhale reveals the deep chasm of vulnerability inside him. The numbness fades, and I find everything inside me turning towards him, wanting to soothe that fear inside him.

Everything I've been suppressing comes back.

I lean in closer to him, kissing him until my lips ache, until the car is fogged up, until we're breathing the same air from his mouth to mine. I end up straddling him. He pushes up, sliding into me.

And we just sit there like that. No hurry, no urgency.

The fire in us simmers and then explodes like it always does when we're together. I start to move, rolling my hips, riding him in the brilliant morning. We don't part for a second. His hands roam my body in a constant loop.

We are making love. Everything about what we are doing is different from our other encounters. There is awe and exploration and intent in every touch. We tell each other our feelings in deep, drugging kisses and soft moans.

And when I come, so does he. Ecstasy signing our bond into our souls and hearts.

When the sweat is cool on my body, I pull back and stare at him.

"I love you," Dane whispers .

I say the words back, meaning them. In this brief window of time no one can destroy that I belong to him, and I'm just a woman in love.

If only reality didn't have to drag us back so soon.