4. Jax

Jax

M y lips are numb, and I can't work out how to speak. I know how to speak, but it's not working. I don't even know what to ask. I notice the wallpaper is pale blue, and the bed is massive, with a huge hand-carved wood headboard. It looks like a bedroom in a home.

Mason, no, Gideon, slowly removes his hands and sits back against the headrest of the bed.

I lick my lips and glance at Dane. He's staring at me with a frown, but his face is shut off in a way I haven't seen before. I want to question him, but it's not the time. Mason moves, and I mentally correct myself, but this time, I can't help but gasp.

"Is Mason dead?" My voice comes out low and hoarse.

Gideon's face twists in an expression that gives me all the answers I need. I stand up abruptly and back away from the bed.

"Jax!"

I whirl, dodging Rafe's hands. "I just need a…time to think."

Dane growls, "You've had time. Heaps of time."

I shake my head and swallow hard, but everything is shimmering. It's only when hot tears run down my cheeks that I realise I'm crying.

"I'm sorry." Gideon leans forward, one hand reaching out and resting on the bedspread. It's an offer and a plea, but I pretend I don't see it.

"I just need more time. "

Dane growls and stomps towards me. I back up until my back hits the door frame. He sinks his fingers into my hair and slams our lips together. I can taste my tears as I kiss him back.

He pulls away, and the sudden absence clears my head faster than anything else. I edge backwards, flinching at the distant look in Dane's eyes.

"Just a little bit." My voice sounds loud in the dead silence between the four of us.

Dane recoils and turns away, his back a tense line. Rafe just looks down at his hands. Gideon, with Mason's face, just inclines his head in a completely non-Mason like way. He doesn't seem concerned at all, which is even more alarming because it just confirms it all.

The house is a maze, but my feet still find my way to my old room. I open the door and creep inside. Everything looks exactly as it was the last time I saw it, like I stepped out yesterday. The white bedding seems so wrong for all the life I've lived. I'd probably stain it black overnight. On the wall is an old poster of a famous band. I can't even remember their names. On the dresser are three jewelry boxes. I walk in slowly and open the one Eddie gave me on my tenth birthday, running my fingers over the rings, bracelets, and necklaces. My father's attempts to win something that couldn't be bought.

I kneel in front of the dresser and pull out the top drawer. Is it still here? I take a breath and turn it over. A laugh bursts from me, and I smile when I see the key stuck to the bottom with sticky tape. I palm the key and clutch it hard before I lower myself and shuffle my body under my bed. I crawl on my elbows until I'm right in the middle. I carefully roll on my back, wryly noting that when I was a kid, this was a hell of a lot easier .

Once I'm there, I look until I find the diary. I reach for it and pull it out of the space I've wedged it in. In this book are five years' worth of memories.

Eddie crouches in front of me. He was so big, a stranger still. I hated this house, hated this family. He handed me a little package wrapped with silver paper. I opened it, wondering if it was another of those expensive, useless gifts. But it wasn't anything like that. The diary was a cheap one like I've seen at those shops that my mum took me to. The key is flat and thin, and the paper is cheap. On the cover, there are unicorns.

I smile as my thumb traces the faded cartoons.

I don't open it, I just let my head drop back and lie there, in the dark, under my childhood bed.

"I believe in ghosts," I speak with almost no sound.

"I believe in ghosts. Mason is dead, and Gideon is inside his body." Just saying it out loud makes my mind tilt dangerously, and a hysterical giggle rips from my throat. That giggle changes quickly to a sob. I put my fist against my mouth to muffle the sound. Mason is dead, and Gideon is alive. My feelings are so confusing: guilt, grief, sadness, elation, joy, relief, and more guilt.

For the first time since I woke up after Mason got shot, I allow myself to feel my feelings. I let them wash through me. Mason and I had some incredible times. He's always been there in my life. I remember things that make me giggle. I remember the day he kissed me. My heart broke the day he told me I was never going to be a priority. It broke a second time when I realised he wasn't the one.

I hear a sound and turn my head. Rafe lays down beside my bed on his stomach and stares at me.

"You okay?"

I sniff and don't answer him.

"We've missed you. "

"I know, I just have stuff-"

"Of course, I'm not saying it to make you feel guilty. I'm just saying we miss you so you know we thought of you, wondered about you, cared."

I turn my head to study him. He looks so sad, his eyes are shadowed. Hurricane is having an impact on him. I wish I could undo the misery it's left on him. Still, it's Rafe, perfect, kind Rafe, and he makes all the sharp parts inside me soften. "I missed you guys, too."

He stretches out his hand, and I imitate him until the tips of our fingers touch.

"I thought…he was gone." My words are halting, uncertain.

"Who? Mason?"

"Uh, no." I flush, feeling that guilt come back to bite me again. "Gideon. But he's there, inside Mason, isn't he?"

Rafe hesitates and nods. "Yeah."

"So all this time, Mason's been gone, and I didn't know?" My eyes fill with tears. "That's a really shitty feeling."

Rafe doesn't say anything, but his fingers wrap around mine.

I stare at the base of my bed for a long time before I let my head fall in his direction.

"Is Phil dead?"

Rafe clears his throat. "There was a brawl in the cell he was locked up in. Someone got a lucky hit."

"Louis," I say with dread and certainty. "He would never let anyone hurt me. Has anyone else been taken?" It's a question I haven't been brave enough to ask. But it has kept me up long into the night.

"No," Rafe murmurs.

I let go of his fingers. "It will start again soon. Louis loves the dramatics. Keep an eye out for any sign. I was wrong. Rafe, Louis is alive. I don't know how it's possible, but that's what it is. I was wrong. It's not a copycat. For the last couple of weeks, even when I was on the meds, I knew that he wouldn't leave this alone. He hasn't won yet, his show isn't over."

I frown hard.

Rafe looks at me. "You withdrew into yourself, and we let you, we worried. I thought you were upset. I didn't realise…we didn't think." Rafe cuts himself off and sits up.

"I needed to think, to prepare," I say evenly and roll out from under the bed, sitting up with the diary still clutched in my hand.

"What answer did you come to?"

"I can trust you three…and Eddie." I almost add River, but at the last moment, change my mind and hold his name off.

I abruptly slide away from Rafe and climb to my feet, looking out the window to the gardens below. There's one thing about my room that is awesome, and it's the views. I'd spent hours staring blankly out these windows. I can see the neighbour's yard from here. They have a window that faces mine, and I always wondered who they were.

"Part of me didn't want to come back. I wanted to stay drugged up and out of it. The crushing numbness and blank feeling in your mind is such a relief. To not be afraid, to not spend every single freaking moment of the day second-guessing myself, to be drowning in guilt, to have hope, which is worse because hope for something better is cruel when all this is going on."

"So, why did you come back?"

I turn to look at him. My harsh expression melts away.

His smile is slow, but when it blooms, it takes my breath away. He closes his eyes, still smiling.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

His grin spreads. "I'm making sure I remember this moment forever. "

I shift into his space without thinking, and he automatically pulls me into his embrace.

"Don't go away from me again."

I inhale the scent of him, clean and soapy. "Dane's mad at me."

"He's always mad. He'll be okay. I'm just happy to have you back, and I can be happy enough for both of us," Rafe murmurs into my hair and squeezes me tight.

I giggle and then sober. "What happened to Jacob?"

Just thinking about Jacob Keylore, Hurricane's Pastor, fills me with so much guilt. His wife didn't deserve what happened to her.

"I sent flowers, your dad went and spoke to him, too, but he, um…well, he quit, and as far as my information can find out, he's at home drinking himself stupid every day."

I wince. Rafe brushes a kiss over my temple.

"It's not your fault."

I keep my lips pressed together, unwilling to argue with him. We went to Keylore; we asked him for help. But he chose to help us, and he knew what might happen.

"Mason would love to talk to you," I stiffen and pull away slightly.

"He's Mason, and he's not. That's going to take some time to get my mind around."

"Really? You see ghosts," Rafe teases.

"He's in the body of my childhood friend. It's…unsettling. I look at him and see Mason."

Rafe strokes my back. "He's Gideon, you'll see it." There's a hesitation in his voice that I almost comment on, but I don't feel like I have the right, so I bite it back.

"Yeah, well." I look back out the window and spot River and Andy wandering in the garden, side-by-side. I haven't seen Andy yet. "River is afraid of me, and I don't know why," I say numbly .

Rafe moves to stand beside me and stares out the window down at the gardens. River puts his arm around Andy and pulls her close. Holds her tight. I hate that I'm jealous.

"What happened that night?"

"You know what happened."

"I've heard everyone's side but yours." Rafe's fingers lock on mine again.

I hold my breath and then let it out slowly. "Phil led me through a hidden corridor. He said River and Andy would be right behind. I don't know." I toss my head, my neck aches, and I rub it, scratch the skin. "We ended up next door, in the mechanics, inside the shed. I don't know how we got there, and suddenly, he's got a gun drawn." I put my hand on the window, feeling the cold. "River came in, but Phil was yelling, he was so freaked out, tears and snot and all that jazz. Then he gave me a message and lifted the gun."

I pause, reliving the moment.

"The lights went out. There was a bang. It was so fucking loud. It's that sound that just makes your insides turn to water because you know exactly what it means. I thought I'd been hit for a moment, just a split second, but then I realised I wasn't. The lights came on, and there was Mason."

"He saved you."

"He saved me, and I watched his last breaths. I saw the moment his eyes changed, and he became Gideon and not Mason." With a groan, I pause, my throat tight. "I couldn't have saved him. I knew that he was dead. Gideon must have healed the body or something enough to survive him invading it. But Mason was gone. I loved him, Rafe."

"I know you did, baby. I know. He loved you, too."

I sob, turning myself into his arms. There are no words, just the tears and mourning of a man who only four people will ever know is gone before his time. Mason was devoted to my family, devoted to me. He gave his life for mine. And he's given his body to Gideon. He didn't deserve to go so soon.

I let Rafe hold me, and I let myself grieve the loss and mourn my friend.