18. Jax

Jax

I wake with a start, my heart racing, and the feeling that something is very fucking wrong nags at me.

We were asleep on the couch, but I don't know how that happened. One minute, I was fine, and then…I throw myself up, trying to stand, but I end up sprawled on the floor. My legs are shaking and weak, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. In fact, the room is spinning, and my mouth is so dry I don't think I could spit if I tried.

"Rafe?" My voice creaks out of me.

I look around and spot Rafe lying up the other end of the couch. I crawl back and lean up, shoving him. He's warm, but he won't wake up. I start to cry as a combination of the shakes and fear overwhelms me. What is wrong with me? I feel weak and sick. What happened last night?

I swipe at my eyes as I spot Gideon. I let out a cry and force myself to stand. My legs barely hold me as I lurch towards him. He's passed out on the floor, lying on his stomach, half way between the toilet and the couch. As naked as Rafe is. I drop to my knees, almost face-planting as my head over-corrects.

I fight to roll him and finally lean over him, sobbing both for air and because I'm so scared. My mind is cloudy and confused, but I know something's wrong. And every second is increasing my terror. Gideon's breath wafts against my cheek. It takes several long moments for me to realise that is a good thing. I shake him .

"Wake up!"

"WAKE UP! WAKE UP!"

I stop suddenly, hearing the ghostly echoes of my mother's voice. "Mum?" I turn around, my skin pebbles with goosebumps, but I can't see anything. I force myself to stand but hesitate, scared and uncertain, but I need to find Dane.

I stagger to the bedrooms, searching each room with painful slowness until I realise he's not here. I stumble back to the lounge and to the front door, opening it and looking outside.

I see him immediately, and my whole body goes weak with relief. He's lying on his back with a gun in his hand just behind the car. I doubt anyone even saw him there. I stagger to him and lift his head into my lap. I'm still crying so hard I can barely see anything, but I hold my shaking hand over his mouth, feeling the air against my skin, and pull him tighter to me.

They're alive. I don't know what happened, but we're all alive. The relief is crushing. I stand up, grab the gun, and put it in my waistband…

I was naked when I fell asleep, I remember. My scalp prickles. I wasn't wearing clothes. Breathe, Jax. Just fucking breathing in and out. Oh, god! Oh, fuck! I look down at what I'm wearing and feel the blood rush out of my head so fast I crash to my knees, just missing Dane.

I suck in air, but it's not enough. I suck it in again. Louis has been here. He could have killed us all. A scream escapes me, but I muffle it with my fist. We were vulnerable. He could have killed us.

But he didn't.

You're going to get them killed if you don't get up and do something. My inner voice rages.

I jolt and grab hold of Dane's arms. I'm very careful when I turn him over. With a grunt, I lift his arms above his head, cross them at the wrist, and set his head on them, and then I pick up his wrists and drag him back into the house.

It takes all the energy I have.

Once I've got him beside Gideon, I stand there, my whole body shaking. It's coming back. Clarity and understanding.

They're asleep. They don't know. I shouldn't have forgotten. I don't belong to them. I never will. He will never let me go. I'm going to get them killed. Selfish. Evil. Wrong. Weak.

I belong to one person. I belong to Louis, always have and always will.

I grab pillows and blankets and cover them, and then I go searching. My frustration builds as I tear the house apart, but I can't find our phones. I can't find keys, wallets, or IDs. I sit back, frustrated and angry, and turn towards the kitchen.

My head stops panning, and my heart jolts with a viciousness that makes me wonder if I'm going to have a heart attack. I'm not sure how I missed it before. There is writing on the cupboards, letters painted on the doors in dark red dripping liquid. I have a feeling I know what that liquid is before I even get close. I can't stop myself from moving across the room.

I am hypnotized.

I read the letters, barely letting myself acknowledge them as I reach under the sink, searching for the bleach and a bucket. I fill it up, pause when I notice my ring is gone, and start scrubbing. It feels like it takes me forever, but I get every damn inch of those cupboards cleaned, free of blood.

Louis took my ring back. No doubt, I'll pay for it later.

Whose blood it is, I don't know. I can only hope it isn't someone I love. And then guilt washes over me, and I'm horrified that I'd wish it on an unsuspecting stranger. Louis wouldn't choose a stranger, though, it's the blood of someone I know .

I hear Rafe try to get up and rush into the lounge to help him. His eyes are wild, and when he stands up, he falls across the coffee table. I try to calm him, but he's so panicked that he keeps hurting himself. In the end, I have to step back and wait, throwing myself at him when he's distracted. I press my lips to his ear and hold him, ignoring the trembling in his limbs.

"Rafe. Please. Calm, I need you to calm. I checked everything, and we're safe. There's no one here. Calm down. You're going to hurt yourself, and Dane and Gideon need help, too." My voice breaks several times, and it takes a moment for my husky whisper to sink in.

He relaxes in my hold, and when I step back, he spots Gideon and staggers over to him.

"What happens?" he slurs.

I sit on the floor beside Dane. "I think Louis probably poisoned the pizza." It's the only conclusion I can come to."

Rafe jerks his head up, his eyes widening so I can see a ring of white around them. I want to take that scared, violated look away from him, but I can't.

This is my life. This is what he does. I'm not surprised by this. But Rafe…he's struggling with it.

Tears slide down my cheeks. It's just excess emotion, the adrenaline crashing down. But I can't seem to stop, I'm so happy that we're all okay.

Dane opens his eyes and looks up at me. He frowns at the outfit I'm wearing.

"What is that?"

I look down at myself and feel that violation all over again. I'm dressed in an off-the-shoulder, pink, frilly top and high-waisted short shorts. They're mine. I owned them. I bought them. When I wasn't Jax, when I lived with Louis.

Seven years ago .

"Louis was here," I say quietly.

Dane's eyes flash. "I heard the door open. I grabbed my gun and tried to chase them, but I was dizzy, and then nothing. Oh, I feel like shit."

"I found you outside and dragged you back in here," I whisper. "You'll probably be cold and achy for a while."

Rafe jerks his head up.

Gideon sits up suddenly, his eyes wide and frantic. He rolls to the side and crab crawls away from us. I watch him go, feeling my heart break.

"Fucking monster!" Gideon shouts, breaking the silence. "He was here, wasn't he? The ghosts were shouting, and then I was out."

"They were?" I ask.

Gideon tries to get to his feet and can't. He crawls across to collapse near me, and a moment later, Rafe does the same.

I carefully explain what had happened since I woke up, leaving out the kitchen activities. Gideon explains what he heard and how he just saw Dane running for the bedroom, and that's his last memory. I tell them about the wallets, keys, and phones and suggest they check to see if anything else is missing.

"Do we call the cops?"

"No!" I shout.

"Why?

I look at my hands. "He left a message for us."

They stare at me.

"He left a message in blood."

Three pairs of eyes widen in comprehension.

"So we can't call for help without making you a suspect again?"

I nod my head. "I cleaned it up. Look, I'm sorry, but sometimes he calls the police, and I get raided." I lean closer. "We need to check to see if he bugged or put up cameras. "

Gideon covers his face with his hand, grinding his teeth so loud I can hear him.

"What was the message?" he snarls.

"Living on borrowed time," I say softly, feeling the terror in my heart as strong as the moment I turned and first saw that message. It's for them, and it's for me. But Louis doesn't make idle threats, and this one is clear as day.

He's going after my guys. There will be no escape from my monster.