19. Jax

Jax

R afe sits with his head in his hands. He doesn't speak to us, doesn't look at me, and I can't help but wonder if I should leave.

"We should go to the police!" Dane snaps loudly.

Gideon throws his hands in the air. "I'm not risking her. It's out of the question."

"They're the police. They won't think she's a suspect!" Dane roars.

I flinch and look at Rafael again. He's still avoiding eye contact.

"Of course, they will. They think she's in on it. Helping Louis murder people. It will just be more evidence to them that she's in on it. They will take her away. Drug her and put her in a cell and never, ever let her out."

I get a chill and feel a burn in my throat, a tightness in my chest. Black flickers around me, and I realise my hallucinations are back. No, wait, they're ghosts. I'm not crazy. I'm not!

"He'll kill us like he killed you," Dane says coldly.

I gasp. They both snap their heads to me as if remembering that I'm here.

"Jax, fuck!" Dane says and walks over to me. He grips my face and strokes my cheeks. "I didn't mean it."

But he did. I know he did .

"She knows we're both right," Gideon says and sits down on the couch. "We don't even know who he is, and he can come in here and do whatever, and there's nothing we can do."

"If we go to the police, maybe they can help. Get us out of the city, anything."

Gideon spits a laugh. "Get it through your head, Dane, the police aren't going to help here. They will only make it easier for him to get her."

Dane lets me go, turning to fight with Gideon again.

"Enough," Rafe says in a dark voice. When they continue shouting at each other, he bellows the word.

The sound cuts through everything, dragging the argument to a stand still.

Rafe stands up and walks over to me. There is so much pain and gentle understanding on his face. "You're going home. Aren't you?"

I feel those words like a blow. How can he know that was my intention? Guilt chases me.

"What?" the word comes out like a whimper. Anything to delay the inevitable.

"Jax, you're going to run. I can see it in every line of your body. I can hear it in your voice. You are leaving us."

I shake my head, but he's remorseless. He grabs my upper arms and holds me still.

"Admit it," Rafe whispers.

"Rafe, please…I'm not running. But this was a very clear warning. I have to go home," I whisper. "And you three need to find a way to survive."

He touches our foreheads together. "No."

I want to hate him in that moment, but I can't. My fault, everything is my fault. I've put them in danger. I'm risking their lives playing house with them, and I have no right to.

"Don't make it harder for me to leave," I beg. ‘Louis is not going to let me go, and I can't lose anyone else. I'm not strong enough. You need to run. All three of you."

Dane makes a low sound of pain and pushes away from the table, stalking into the kitchen. Gideon closes his eyes and lets his head fall to the table.

"Don't do this," Rafe says louder.

"I have to. He'll kill you next time. One by one, he'll take you and break us!" I shout. "I love you too much to watch you die. Leave. Get out of town. Pack up and get out of here. Forget me."

Gideon lifts his head, staring at me with dark, pained eyes. "Never."

I press my lips together to stop the sounds of weakness from spilling out of me. I can't…I just can't.

"Excuse me," I say and pad to my room. It takes me a while to pack my stuff because I have to go to four different rooms to find it, but at last, I come out with my duffel. Dane's eyes are red-rimmed, he looks defeated. Gideon looks at me and shakes his head.

"I'm sorry I failed you," my ghost whispers to me.

I drop the duffel and press myself into his arms. "You didn't fail me."

"We didn't keep you safe."

"We're alive, and he didn't hurt us," I say with more conviction than I actually feel.

I walk over to Dane, hugging him. He wraps his arms around me, hugging me so tight my ribs creak, but I ignore it, listening instead to the shuddering sound of him trying not to cry. He lets me go, and I turn away, unable to look at him. My own eyes fill with tears as I seek out Rafe.

He cups my cheeks and kisses me hard. "This isn't forever, and it isn't over. This is for now. Okay? Stay alive. Keep fighting. "

"We're not leaving," Dane growls from behind me. He snatches me up and buries his face in my hair. "I'm not fucking leaving you," he growls.

I really start to cry then and wrap my arms around Rafe as he hugs me from the front. Gideon simply stands to our sides, watching as we cry and hug.

The doorbell chimes loudly.

"All right, your taxi is here," Rafael says and kisses my head.

The three of them walk me outside. The back door of the taxi opens, and River steps out. He gestures to me. I take a few steps, then turn around.

"Go somewhere he won't expect. Do something different. Be unpredictable. Don't be easy targets."

River catches me around the shoulders and guides me to the car. "We have to go," he whispers urgently, looking around.

I whip back. "Gideon!"

He rushes to my side, picking me up. I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. Our kiss says all the words we can't. It's brutal and raw and honest.

I miss you. I love you. Don't leave me. I'm scared.

He pulls back, and I slide myself down his body and step back. My chin wobbles. Less than twelve hours ago, I was happy. I was hopeful.

But this is what Louis thrives on.

River clears his throat.

I can understand his paranoia, but I've lived with this for years. I want to stick my middle fingers up and just tell Louis to shove it where the sun don't shine. But he'd just kill someone else I love, pruning people out of my life and leaving gaping wounds of guilt and shame behind .

I get in the taxi. River gets in behind me and pulls the door closed. The cab driver pulls away immediately, and I turn, looking out the window as they fade from view. I wheeze.

"I might not see them again!" I say to River. "He might kill them before I can see them again."

River grips my hand. "Shh. Have faith. Trust them."

"I have to go back. Fuck, shit, I can't do this. We have to go back." I turn in the back seat, trying to see. I grab at the door handle, but River closes his hand over mine, stopping me.

"If you go back, they will die," River says bluntly, harshly. "This is why you spent years hiding. This is why you had no relationships with anyone. Think about it, Jax."

I squeeze my eyes closed. "I need them." My voice is a threadbare, soft whine, a plea.

"No, you don't. You just want them. Jax Shade survived all this time with no one. You're Jackie Harmon Blackwell, and you don't need anyone to save you. Jax, kick everyone's ass and save yourself." River is being cold and a prick, and I hate him, but I know he's trying to make it easier for me to keep fighting, but I still hate him.

We drive for a while before I spot someone.

"Pull over. Wait, just for a few minutes!" I shout.

The taxi has barely pulled to a stop before I'm out of the car and racing across the road, ducking into an abandoned building with boarded-up windows and blue and red graffiti on the outside.

"Joe!" I shout. "Wait. Please."

Joe turns and studies me coldly. "What do you want?"

"I need your help. You gave me some information last time we spoke…I was wondering if you could help again."

"His eyes are everywhere," Joe snarls. "I told you, eyes everywhere."

"His name is Lee Banewood. "

Joe shakes his head violently. "Nope. No. His name is Lee."

I cock my head to the side and advance closer. "I don't understand. Did you know Lee?"

"Nope. I did not know Lee Louis. I did not. However, I did. I knew Liam."

It takes me ten long moments to place him. "You knew Lee's father?"

Joe shakes his head and glowers at me. "Why ain't you listening?" That seems to trigger something inside him because he flinches and starts looking around. "Listening, ears everywhere. Eyes everywhere. And the dead howling, howling for it to be made right. Two now in the right place and the wrong bodies."

I stiffen, my eyes widening. Half of me was wondering if I was insane to come up with this idea, but here was Joe Hinklestein basically confirming my hypothesis.

"One to save, and one to destroy. But the savior came too late. His eyes are everywhere. Ears are everywhere. No one escapes his reach."

I bite my lower lip to stop from crying out in frustration. Joe is clearly more unstable today than he was when we last met.

Joe darts away, pushes through a door, but pokes his head back. "Jax Shade, who is Jax Blackwell and Jackie Harmon, you have an old friend watching your back." His one wrinkled arm lifts, and one crooked finger points into the shadows.

I turn, my stomach clenching. Apprehension fills me. I'm afraid. I think of the blood this morning and want to vomit, but I can't stop my eyes from searching the inside of the building until the ghost appears.

Only then do I start to cry.

I stand there for a long time, crying for him, crying for me, and crying out of fear for my guys. River comes and finds me. He talks to me, but I can't hear anything. So, instead, he packs me up and pushes me back into the taxi.

***

My dad welcomes me home with open arms. My stepmother and sisters have much less enthusiasm. I ignore them all. I just swipe at the tears and stare at the wall. Trinkets and paintings that mean nothing. All this wealth, and what does it even give you? They're no safer than I.

"Is Mason coming back with you?"

I shake my head. "He's really trying to get along with the guys, bond with them and work out the status quo," I say, forcing the joke, but it falls flat, missing the mark.

"Ah, shame. I've missed him. Come and sit with me in my office, it's been a long time since we've talked, let's catch up."

We sit inside his office and talk for hours, but I hold back. I don't know why, and I can't explain it, but Joe's words have gotten into my head, and I can't help but look around, wondering if the room is bugged.

Eddie leans across the couch and takes my hands in his. "So, now that everything has settled down, I was hoping we could finally show you off and have a party to celebrate you coming home. I know it's years too late."

I almost tell him no, but it would be a good way to see the guys.

"Sure, Dad."

His face transforms with his happiness. "Great. I'll set it up. You don't need to do a thing but show up."

I give him an exhausted grin .

"All right, I need to get some work done, but we can catch up tomorrow. Oh, Sparrow wants to see you tomorrow, an emergency appointment."

I flinch. "Did he say what about?"

Eddie waves his hand. "I don't know. That guy is really dramatic. I expect it will be nothing. He's a really foul person. I've spoken to the judge, and they are trying to get the court order overturned. It will just take some time."

I squeeze my hands together, straining the muscles in my arms with the effort to resist shouting and screaming at my dad, telling him everything that's wrong with my life and that psychiatrist.

I force myself to smile and leave the room before I go down and wander the gardens, looking at the dahlias. Everytime I see them, I think of Louis. I barely glance at the black ones. Every time I see a black dahlia, I want to throw up. I'd hack the whole lot of them out of the garden, but Jeraldine would kill me.

I wrap my arms around myself and wander back to the porch. I stand there as a light drizzle turns the world hazy and grey. The smell of the rain reminds me of my mother. The sound is tears that I don't have.

I close my eyes, imagining they are here with me. But the illusion shatters quickly. The doorbell rings once, twice, three times. I ignore it and continue to study the rain. It's falling harder now.

I hear the murmur of voices but don't turn around. I know perfectly well who it is. My throat closes bitterly on what's coming. The door opens behind me, but I keep my eyes on the sky.

"Do you know that when my mother died, it was raining like this? I spent hours locked in the house, and all I could do was hear the rain and the traffic and stare up at the windows and the grey sky." I let out a bitter laugh. "The day my father arrived to pick me up, we walked through the rain like this to his car. The day Sparrow arrived at the facility to destroy my life, it rained like this."

I shake my head and look up, straight into where the eyes would be of the ghost standing in front of me. My next words are for him alone.

"I met you in the rain, too. The first time I met you, I was hungry, homeless, and scared. You gave me a job." I close my eyes, the tears sliding out anyway. "I'm sorry," I mouth. The ghost reaches out and touches me. I feel the cold, a tiny zap before he steps back, exhausted. He fades from sight. His spirit is strong, really strong. He fought the daylight for me.

The rain pounds down harder, so loudly that I almost can't hear the people behind me moving closer. I grin humourlessly at my fucking existence, then I say to hell with it and turn around.

The woman lifts a perfectly arched eyebrow and glowers at me. The man just stares.

"I didn't do whatever it is that you think I did," I say calmly. With calm steps, I move towards them and bring my palms up. "I have several witnesses that will provide the information you need. But I can assure you, Detectives, that I didn't do it."

"You almost got away with it. Almost convinced us that Titan was our suspect." Descario sneers and moves closer to me, invading my space. "So, explain to me, you selfish bitch, why, just tell me why, did you have to kill Astaire Jagger?"