17. Jax

Jax

I cautiously push open the door to Dane's bedroom. The light is on, bathing one side of his face in a yellow glow. It's been a whole day since he tore off and vanished for an hour.

"Hey."

He looks up, startled, and I realise he's still so deep in whatever thoughts that are preoccupying him that he didn't even hear me knock.

"Do you mind if I come in?"

He stares at me and then drops his chin to his chest. I take that for affirmation and perch on the edge of his bed. Dane's room is created in warm colours. Ambers, golds, and accented in black. He's got a lampshade over the light that casts interesting flecks and patterns over the walls. There is no window in his room.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He sighs and thumps his head on the headboard. "I can't."

I wait, but when he just stares at the wall, I reach out and touch his hand. "Do you want me to leave?"

He hesitates and thinks about it. I'm half glad he does and half hurt that he needs to. "No. You can stay. I'm not much company, though, so I would suggest you seek friendlier bedrooms."

I shake my head, smiling at the weak joke. "I think I'm okay here."

"Seriously, I can't even give you decent conversation."

"We can sit in silence. "

"Rafe would be better. He's happy and comforting. Or Gideon, he'd know what to do and make you laugh or something equally annoying."

I study him. "Are you afraid I might see a side of you that I won't like?"

He huffs. "This relationship is starting in all the ways they strongly suggest you don't. We are walking red flags. I'm angry and still blaming myself for Terrance's death. I have nightmares every night that you'll be dying and I won't be able to reach you. Jax, I'm angry. I'm bitter, and I'm impatient and need perfection. I worship routine. In other words, I'm a hot mess."

"And?"

He shakes his head.

But I cut off whatever he's about to say and put my fingertips against his lips. "I'm paranoid. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust myself. I sleep poorly, I'm cranky and withdrawn, and when things go wrong, my default is to shut everyone out."

Dane groans and sits forward suddenly, dragging me into his lap. "I'm sorry."

"You want to tell me what happened?"

He huffs out a laugh. "No, it's stupid."

"How is it stupid?"

He crosses his legs, patting the bed so I'm sitting facing him, our knees touching. "Do you know there is a man in town who sells ghost stuff? I went to speak to him. He's legit, which I'm surprised about. But what I actually went there to find out was if Louis can go into a third body if we somehow dislodge him."

I feel the world tilt violently to the side before it centers. "That never occurred to me," I whisper. My lips feel numb, and I can hear a loud ringing.

Dane's hands land on my thighs, his thumbs stroking circles. "Jax. It's okay. I made sure. "

I gulp and glare at my hands. "That is a relief."

"Is it?"

"Yes! Of course! I just…should have occurred to me."

Dane reaches out and takes my hand. "Come on. Let's go make something to eat."

He drags me off his bed and wraps his arms over mine, walking me out to the kitchen while I protest. He spins me and lifts me to sit on the counter.

"Sit."

"What are we making?"

"We're making…sweet or savory?"

"Mmm, sweet."

"Cookies, then," he says and pulls out the ingredients and puts them on the counter. I watch him as he starts creating. There is something uplifting about watching Dane in a kitchen.

"Did you ever want to be a chef?"

He wrinkles his nose. "No. I just wanted a little bistro. That could be mine. I had the deposit saved up…a little place I was about to sign the papers for when-" he cuts off, looking up at me.

"Terry disappeared."

"Yeah." His face clears of worry, and he grins. "Do you know Rafe has a certificate to work with disadvantaged youth as a counsellor?"

"No way?" I say, completely shocked. "I can see it, though. He'd be so good at it."

"And Terrance worked in advertising."

I stare at him as he works.

"He was an artist. Always sketching and creating designs. We sound like a poor joke. The designer, the counsellor, and the artist walked into a bar…" He laughs and stops stirring, pulling out a tray and putting round balls of biscuit mix on the trays .

"I've had five galleries, but the one Terrance went to was the first big one." I frown. "When I became Jax, I didn't allow myself to have dreams like careers. I was simply broken and needed to be punished."

Dare stops and scowls. He takes a small ball and walks between my legs. "Open."

I open my mouth and frown when he pops the ball inside. I groan and chew on the dough, the flavours melting over my tongue.

"Now that you're occupied, let me say this without you arguing with me. You should decide what you want to do and do it. You aren't broken, you're a victim. And you don't need to atone for anyone's sins but your own, and ignorance isn't a sin."

The sugary mouthful of cookie dough and chocolate chips stops me from arguing effectively.

He puts two trays in the oven and walks back in between my legs, pushing me back until I'm reclining on the counter. I inhale as he drags his face down my chest, biting through the material and nipping my breast.

"What do you want to be?" he asks and peels my top up. He stares when he reveals my breasts and groans. "I love these. They are mine."

"Dane."

Dane grumbles and pulls my top down before stepping away from me. I sit up and find Rafe leaning against the wall.

"What's going on?" Rafe asks. "Are you making cookies?"

Dane grunts and cleans up the mess he made. Rafe watches us with a half smile on his face.

I'm not sure why he's standing there like that or why he's ignoring me. Until he pushes off the wall and walks over to me. He leans in close and touches his lips to my jaw.

"It's my night," Rafe says with a sharp nip .

I scowl. "I didn't agree to nights."

"Neither did I. Dane made a roster."

I shoot the man in question a glare. "A roster?" I ask with an icy voice.

Rafe pulls off my top, and I let him. He runs his finger along the lace edge of my bra, then reaches around me and opens it. With a few tugs, it drops off my arms and falls to the floor.

Dane is watching now, his jaw working.

Rafael continues teasing with fleeting, whispered touches. I wriggle to the edge of the bench and put my arms over his shoulders.

He hums and then looks over his shoulder at the cookies Dane is pulling out of the oven.

He walks over and snatches four up, juggling them until he can dump them on a plate, then he grabs me by the waist, carries us both, and drops me on the couch. "Do you know what tastes better than sex?"

"What?"

"Licking melted chocolate off your girlfriend while you're having sex!" Rafe says with a wink.

The couch depresses near my head, and I look up and find Dane sitting there glaring down at me.

"Try one." He breaks off a bit and shoves it into my mouth.

Rafe chases the cookie with a kiss that he makes my toes curl.

"Is it good?" Dane asks when Rafe pulls back.

I groan. "So good. More."

Rafael laughs and sits up, yanking his clothes off and returning to me, naked. He pulls my shorts off and cups me. I grind myself onto his hand. But then he drags me down onto the floor. Twisting me until my back is against his chest, my head falling back on his shoulder as he strokes down my body .

"Do you think you can take us both, baby?" Rafe whispers. "I'm inclined to share my night."

I hesitate but for half a second. "Yes."

Dane shifts and returns naked, holding his cock. I watch as he strokes it and then presses his head to my lips.

"Lick him, one lick and no more," Rafe says.

I lick the underside of his cock and when I go to swallow him, Rafe pulls me back, tsking in my ear. "Don't be greedy." I whine as his fingers slip inside me, curling to a spot that makes me ache. "All right, lick him again."

I lean forward and lick, this time getting a taste of the salty pre-cum. It's not enough, I want more.

I feel Rafe move, and then my legs are being spread wide, fingers pressing into me and scissoring apart. I groan and push back against him, but then duck my head and take Dane into my mouth. He hisses and thrusts up. The musky scent of him is in my nose. His coarse hairs are under my hands, and his taste fills my mouth. And somehow I'm more aroused than I've ever been.

He surges up, over and over. His hands stroke my hair, whispering to me. Rafe continues to work in me. Exploring, curling his fingers, sliding them up to press against my ass. I stiffen at the unexpected feeling, but he presses again before removing them over and over until I'm pressing back against him, moaning around Dane's cock. I'm so wet I'm almost dripping down my thighs.

"Do you want this?" Rafe sings out with a sharp slap to my ass.

"Yes!" I snarl out.

He removes his other hand, leaving me protesting at the empty feeling. He twists away and returns, pouring something cold onto my ass. I shiver while Dane pulls himself out of my mouth.

"Dane, lay on the floor. "

Dane frowns but lies on the floor. Rafe lifts me up and sets me on top of him. I'm so aroused that the heat and friction of feeling his cock between my legs is eye-rolling. I grind against him.

"Good girl," Rafe purrs. He grabs Dane's cock and holds him. "Now, sit on his cock, baby."

I gasp at the command but push back, sinking onto Dane's cock.

Rafe growls and pushes me forward. "Don't move."

I try to stay still, but Rafe pushes into me. The pressure is intense, I'm so full. There's a little bit of pain, but my body is so stimulated, and it feels good. I cry out and shift. Rafe grabs my waist with his fingers, holding me still in a crushing hold.

"Do not move," He growls out. "Fuck, you're so tight. I can feel him in you. Fuck!"

Rafe slips forward, pushing into me and bottoming out. I let out a keening sound at the feeling of them both in me.

"Well, look at the fun you three are having."

Rafe growls. "Get your cock in her mouth, Gideon."

Gideon laughs and kneels down over Danes' head. Just the sight of it has me clenching hard on the cocks inside me. Gideon guides his cock into my mouth. "Make me come, baby."

I suck and lick, curling my tongue around him while he holds my head still. But then Dane thrusts up, impaling me on Gideon's cock. I choke, gagging, and he withdraws.

"So hot," Gideon murmurs. "I think I like seeing you choke on my cock."

Rafe pulls out and surges back in. Dane groans and thrusts up. It takes them a minute, but Dane and Rafe find a rhythm of alternating thrusts. The groans and sounds of flesh hitting flesh grows louder.

Gideon tugs my hair, pulling me into a position as he starts to thrust into my mouth, fucking me with a relentlessness that has me clinging to him while tears run down my face. I try to lick and suck, but it's all I can do to take him into my throat. I relax into it, groaning in pleasure when he grips my hair.

"Good girl," Gideon whispers. "Oh, you're so good at this. Taking all of us."

I moan around him as Rafe hisses behind me. His fingers bite into my ass cheek, while Dane squeezes one of my nipples and holds my other hip in a bruising grip.

"Ready?" Gideon asks.

I reach up, grabbing his ass, curling my nails in. He grunts and thrusts twice, hard, his fingers so tight in my hair that I can't move.

"Swallow, baby. I want to see you full of cum. Dripping out of every hole!" he hisses. Gideon growls and explodes into my mouth. I swallow as fast as I can, but he overfills my mouth a little.

Rafe pounds into me, thrusting me onto Gideon's softening cock and drags me back down onto Dane. It hits a spot inside me that makes me keen and my insides tighten.

"Yes. That," I cry out, wrenching my mouth from Gideon as he falls sideways and leans against the couch.

Dane reaches up, gripping my neck, and pulls me down, thrusting his tongue in my mouth. I'm sure he's tasting Gideon, but he doesn't care, and it doesn't stop him.

"Fucking love you," he snarls. "So fucking much." He thrusts up, out of control, violent thrusts that end when he arches his back off the ground, his fingers pulling me down and holding us together. I feel the heat of his release surge into me.

I'm almost incoherent. My climax is so close.

Rafe growls and thrusts hard into me, laying on my body, forcing me down onto Dane, and using my shoulders to drag himself even deeper into my ass.

I tense around them, sobbing as my body convulses in their arms. Rafe comes a moment behind me, murmuring in my ears. I reach out with one hand, tangling my hand with Gideon .

It's a perfect moment. The world is full of white explosions and our harsh breathing, and I want to just stay like this forever.

Rafe strokes a hand over my back as he cleans me up. I shudder as my overly sensitive skin twitches. Dane sits up with me in his arms and carefully lifts me off him. I gasp at the feeling of him sliding out and the fluids following close behind.

I grimace and stand up. "I'll be back."

I'm not running. I go into the bathroom and gently close the door before leaning against it.

I lift my fingers to my lips, remembering what we just did. I go to the toilet and find myself standing in front of the mirror, staring at my flushed cheeks, the sated look in my eyes.

I search for any feelings of regret or doubt, but I don't feel anything. My lips are puffy, my hair's a mess, and parts of me that I didn't know could be sore ache, but there's something complete, something satisfied in me that I wasn't aware was needed.

There's a knock at the door.

"Jax, are you all right?"

I grab the robe hanging on the back of the door and wrap the satin around me. I pull open the door and smile up at Gideon.

He searches my eyes, and the worry fades from his expression. He lifts a hand and sweeps his blonde hair back from his face and grins at me.

"You okay?"

I grin at him. "Did you think I was panicking?"

He winces. "Maybe a little."

I slip past him, but he turns and keeps pace with me.

"Where are you going?"

I narrow my eyes and shake my head. "Never you mind." I make my way into the kitchen and open the oven. No cookies. I search the cupboards, and when I come up empty, I slam my hands down on the bench .

"You promised me cookies," I say loudly.

I hear the shifting of bodies on the couches. Rafe laughs. "Told you."

Dane stands up, naked and looking so very tempting. He's holding a huge plate of cookies. I walk out of the kitchen. Gideon reaches out and slides the robe off my shoulders, letting it pool on the floor. Rafe lifts the end of a very soft blanket with a clear invitation. I sit down beside him, curling into his warmth as he tucks the blankets around me.

Gideon snags a cookie and shoves it in my mouth. "Now. We're having one night where we don't think about anything but relaxing and having fun. Pizza will be here soon, so don't gorge yourself."

I ignore him, happily munching on the cookie.

"Dane, I love you for your cooking skills," I say happily and lick the chocolate from my fingers.

Dane snorts, leans in, and kisses my head. "You okay with what we did?"

The nerves in his tone alert me, and I look up, searching his eyes for some information that can explain what's wrong.

"I'm more than okay. I loved it."

"Really?"

"If I wasn't sore…I'd be asking if we could do it again," I say and snag another cookie while they aren't paying attention to me.

Dane sits down heavily beside me. "Just like that?"

I reach out with one hand and touch his cheek. My mouth is full of delicious cookie goo, and it takes me a moment to swallow. "I'm very comfortable in my sexuality and expression. If I trust you enough to get naked with you, I'm not going to hold back ,and I'm going to try things, explore. That was fun, and I loved it, and I felt connected to all three of you and like we were…a unit. Like we really loved each other. That's important to me. "

Dane nods his head, his throat working. I pat his cheek and eye the plate.

Rafe seizes my waist just as I lunge and drags me back to him. I wriggle, but when he scrapes his teeth over my neck, I go still, relaxing on him, pliant.

Gideon pulls on a pair of track pants that have me eyeing him in a way I'm not ready to follow through with. He perches on the edge of the couch, but when the doorbell sounds, he disappears and returns with pizza. He lays the boxes on the coffee table.

Rafe puts a movie on and dims the light, while Dane hands out drinks.

We spend most of the movie with me asking questions about how the three of them grew up together. I end up laughing until my stomach aches. We eat and drink and manage to understand enough of the movie to get the story line.

It's a night unlike any I've ever had.