13. Jax

Jax

J acob Keylore is unrecognizable from the man that I spoke to only a few months prior. His eyes are bloodshot, his clothes are filthy, he reeks of alcohol, but it's his expression that hits me hardest. The kindness, the compassion and empathy, is gone; instead is a mask of grief and bitterness.

"Jacob," I whisper, and when he stumbles, almost falling down the porch, I jog up the three steps of his home and grab him. He roughly shoves me off. I reel backwards, but Dane's there, catching me before I fall. Rafe steps past me and grips Jacob's flailing arms, easing him backwards towards the porch swing. The stench wafting off him is eye-watering.

His house is a modest, cheap home in the poorer areas of Hurricane. It's obviously seen better days, but it still has a loved feel about it. The walls are painted, there are pots with dying plants in them that each have hand-painted flowers on the outside. Even the swing has hand sewn cushions on the seat, and the realisation crashes down on me that Martha Keylore loved her life, her home, and her husband very much.

I don't know why that makes a difference, but it changes something in me. I guess I'd hoped she would be a secretly depressed housewife, and maybe it would assail my guilt, which makes no sense, but this is worse. Finding happiness is so hard. Finding someone who was willing to live here like this out of love…that's everything .

I wish I'd been able to meet Martha Keylore.

"I should never have spoken to you," Jacob slurs. "I should have known better, but even now, I can't turn you away. You're toxic Jackie Blackwell! You're poison. Perhaps he will kill me next. Will you cry for me, Jax Shade, when our dear friend Louis slices me to ribbons and brands me? Will you cry when you find my corpse like I did my wife?" He screams. Spittle sprays from his mouth, and he lunges towards me, stopping only because Dane prevents him from moving closer.

His words cut into me like they are a blade held against the fabric of who I am.

Jacob Keylore's heartbreak is all-encompassing. It's a painful agony, and he is lost in the depths of it. I want to help, but I'm the last person who should be near him.

I stare at this wreck of a man, seeing the boy who used to shyly give me some of his crisps. Jacob, who would whisper to Louis as they followed me around the school. When I'd look back, he'd blush red, but his eyes would be so happy. I'd missed all the signs because I couldn't see anything else but Louis.

I don't deserve this man's forgiveness. I press my lips together and stand there, letting his words cut me.

"It's your fault my Martha's gone!" Jacob screams even louder.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see people come out of their homes to watch. My cheeks flame, but it's the whispers that send tiny blades into my heart. The silent judgements of people are familiar. That's how it starts, after all, whenever they realise who I am. My name will be connected now to that woman who was reviled, the woman who dated a serial killer, who must have known! Hurricane will become a hostile environment. No, it won't be hostile, it will become hell.

"I need to know who you spoke to that day, every person," Gideon says calmly, ignoring Jacob's glares .

"Why?" The belligerence is so childlike that I'm taken aback.

"Because…we were careful. Jacob, her identity isn't openly known. Because few people knew you three were friends. Hell, no one knows he lived here in Hurricane. So, Jacob, who did you speak to, who was there getting handouts, helping, asking questions, who did you see? The day we came to you, who did you talk to?"

Jacob sits up straighter. He tilts his head to the side and glares at Rafe. "You think he was there watching? No! I would have seen him."

I seriously doubt his ability to answer these questions. He is far too drunk.

"Would you, though?" Gideon asks and waves to the neighbours. They quickly turn away and pretend they aren't watching.

Jacob's eyes transform. I've heard of people writing about it in books, but his eyes go from fiery and full of passion to completely drained and flat. It's like someone pulled the voltage out of him.

"It was just a normal day until you three appeared," Jacob says softly. "I got up, and I didn't want to wake Martha, so I didn't even kiss her goodbye. She looked so pretty. I just left her to sleep in. I didn't see her again. Oh, god! WHY? I should have kissed her or said something to her. I don't understand it at all. And I'm so mad at Him."

"Him?" Gideon asks with a great deal of compassion.

"Him, the big man, the one I've spent my life working for. I gave him my everything, and he does this to me? Well, fuck you!" Jacob stands up and screams as loud as he can. The suddenness startles me, and I have to resist the urge to step back from the pure violence in his voice.

I have never once been scared of Jacob until this moment right now .

I turn away; I can't watch this. Jacob Keylore has never, ever been violent in his life, but Louis has a way of poisoning your soul and breaking your heart so completely that you can't be recognised even by the people who love you. I should know.

"Please, Jacob, this is important, we can catch him-"

"That's not going to bring back Martha! He takes everything from me, everything. Take me!" Jacob screams until his voice breaks, and then he ends up kneeling on the floor sobbing. I walk fast, trying to drown out the sounds. Running away because I am the salt in his wound.

I get in the car and duck my head down, wrapping my arms around myself. The pain in his voice. I've heard it from the families of Louis' victims, over and over. Why? How? Where are they? Why? The questions shouted at me with so much pain, so much rage and accusation, like I know, like I would have sat back and watched Louis do such unspeakable acts. As if I endorsed his behaviour or contributed to it by living my normal and mundane life.

Like I knew.

They think I was somehow special from the rest of the world; I being the one person who could see through his lies. No one wants my life. I never wanted to be that other woman in his life. Just like I wish every single day that I had seen something, found something, that could have saved them.

My life is made up of regrets and wishes that won't come true.

I put my face in my hand, feeling the exhaustion and the weight of Louis' other life, the damn consequences I never expected, the turn my life took. How the world turned on me. I'm tired of it. So tired.

Dane gets in the car and slams the door closed. "You okay?"

I give him an exhausted look as if to say, ‘are you really asking that?'

"Yeah, I figured. Look, don't take it to heart. He's drunk and grieving."

"I know, Dane."

"He's wrong."

I open my mouth to argue with him but stop.

"He's wrong. They are wrong. We shouldn't blame the people not responsible, but we do. We need someone to point the finger at, to punish, and we're wrong. I was wrong. And I'm sorry."

He reaches across, pulls me into his arms, and holds me. I'm not aware I'm trembling until I'm tucked tight to his body.

"I'm so sorry for the way I treated you, Jax."

Gideon returns to the car and exhales in frustration. He turns the car on and puts on the air conditioner. "Rafe is talking to him."

"He sent you away, didn't he?" Dane says.

"I can't believe he's still doing that," Gideon explodes. "He gives you this look like you're acting like a child and suggests you go elsewhere, all the while never raising his voice above a murmur, and damn, if I don't feel like a misbehaving child."

The laugh that escapes me surprises me.

Dane looks down. "You wait until he uses it on you," he teases.

"He would never."

"Oh, he totally will, and you will feel just as stupid as we do," Gideon says in exasperation. He pulls out his phone and frowns. "I've missed six calls from Eddie."

I lean forward, looking at his phone over his shoulder. "Call him."

Eddie answers the phone right away and exhales with a cheerful laugh. "Ha! I knew you'd call me right away."

I frown, staring intently at the phone in Gideon's hands.

"Eddie, what's up? You gave me a heart attack. I thought there was something wrong. "

Eddie chuckles. "You always say that, and I have yet to meet your cardiologist."

"He's grouchy and works too much." They both laugh while I exchange WTF glances with Dane. "All right, Mr Harmon, what can I do for you?"

"I need you to find my daughter."

"I'm here with-"

"Not that one. Jackie…if she chooses to vanish, no one will find her again. She has the skills to be invisible. But Stevie does not. She should be everywhere. So, I need you to find her."

"Yes, sir. Any last known locations?"

It suddenly occurs to me that Gideon works for my father now. Mason has worked for my father since his father started showing him the ropes. I don't know how I feel about this.

"Stevie said she was going shopping. So I'd try her favourite stores. You know the ones."

Gideon frowns, and I can see him struggling to remember. I put a hand on his arm and smile. His relief is instant.

"Okay, Mr Harmon. I'm on it."

"Thank you, Mason."

I wince at the use of that name and wonder if I'll ever get used to hearing it.

Gideon hangs up the phone and twists, looking at me first and then Rafe, who has slid into the passenger seat while we were on the phone. "What did you get?"

"There was a man who came to see him. A man he didn't know well. He spoke well. The only reason the man stands out at all was because, later that day, he found another letter he'd written to you."

He pauses and exhales.

"One he hasn't seen since you were teens. "

I choke. "He was baiting him? Louis was in there baiting him? That's sick." But so typical of the man I've come to know.

Rafe reaches across the seat and takes my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the top of my hand. "We'll find him."

I wonder if that's true and if we'll find him before he destroys us first?

Gideon drives us through the city, listening to my directions. We spend the rest of the day searching the usual haunts of my youngest sister, but no one has seen her.

My calls to River go unanswered, and I start to get concerned. And then angry. At one of the stops, I turn to the three guys and put my hands up when they come towards me.

"I have something I have to do. Keep searching for Stevie."

"He doesn't have her," Gideon says firmly.

"We don't know that, but I have something else I need to do. It's important. And I need to do it alone."

They want to protest, especially Gideon. But I give them the look I remember my mother giving me as a child. The three of them back down reluctantly.

"What's so important?" Gideon challenges.

I heave a sigh. "It's time I fix something that I've been neglecting. It's a family thing."

Dane's expression clears. "River."

I nod. "River."

"He's still not talking to you?" Rafe asks with a frown.

"No, he's not. But I sent him an SOS, and he's coming. So, I need to do this thing with him, and I need to do it without you three. He won't open up if he sees you."

Gideon growls, "I don't like it."

"I know." I step into his arms, hugging him. "River and I will be fine. I need you to find Stevie. Please, just find her and keep her safe. "

Gideon's muscles loosen, and when he kisses my head, I know that he'll do as I ask.

I step out of his arms and hug Dane.

"Be careful, and keep your phone on. And stop losing your phones. It's expensive."

I laugh. "I've only lost four."

Dane tilts my chin up and kisses me hard. "Behave yourself."

Rafe doesn't wait for me to turn around. He hugs me from behind, leaning his chin over my shoulder. "Be safe. Please." He slaps a hard kiss to my cheek and steps back quickly.

I watch them walk back to their car. Their eyes stay on me as they get in and drive away. I don't have my ghost anymore, and I feel exposed. Louis could be here, anywhere, watching; I push him into the back of my mind.

Some things are more important.

I walk into the mall's underground car park and wait until I see a blue car coming towards me. It pulls up, and I get in.

I put my seatbelt on and turn to face the driver. "Hello, River."