12. Jax

Jax

I swear my heart is going to burst through my chest; it takes all my courage to drag his zipper down. Gideon groans, and the sound, just that male sound of pleasure, almost undoes me. I move closer, splaying my hands under the waistband of his jeans and sliding them around his waist.

I lean forward and press my mouth to his chest, kissing his collarbone as I slide my hands down over his ass, dragging his jeans off at the same time. Why does he smell so good? Like spices and smoke. I shuffle closer, and now I get a sense of how big he is, pressed against my stomach. I can't believe this is real, this moment. Every taste of him fuels my addiction. I lick up his neck and let out a yelp when he ducks, gripping one of my thighs and dragging it up to his hip.

The position lets me feel everything, right there. I whimper, my fingernails dig into his shoulder, holding myself close. His hands are huge on my thighs, easily holding me. I feel delicate and small, but the way he looks at me…I feel like a goddess with all the power that comes with it.

"I want to taste you," Gideon murmurs. "Tell me what you want."

I slide a hand between us, dipping into his tight black underpants and gripping him. He stops, his whole body going tense. I move my hand slowly, up and down, feeling the girth, the soft, velvet skin. My mouth waters, and I forget his question. I drag my hand over the head, running my fingers through the pre-cum that has gathered, and smearing it down his shaft. I bite my lower lip. Distracted by the feel, I stroke my thumb over his slit. He growls and reaches down, pulling my hand free, and pushing me back against the desk.

"Tell me what you want!"

His eyes are blazing with fire, with need. I see my ghost in his face right now.

"I need what I've always needed. G, I just need you," I say softly, helplessly.

I watch, trying to calm my rough breathing as he kicks off his jeans and underwear. He looks up and takes me in from top to toe. I do the same. He's muscled but with a layer of softness over the top that appeals to me. His skin is golden everywhere, evenly tanned, with freckles across his shoulders and chest. His cock sticks out, and I'm surprised by his girth. He's not as long as Rafe or Dane, but he's wider. My mouth waters, and I vividly recall what he tastes like.

"Last chance to run away."

I blink at him. "Run?" I'm aware I sound confused, but I have no idea what he's talking about.

He chuckles and advances on me. His hands grip my hips, pulling them against his. His skin is so hot, but the feel of him pressed against me, I want to wrap my legs around him and grind down on him until we're both screaming.

I lick my lips and run my hand over his chest.

"Gideon, you're beautiful."

"That's my line," Gideon murmurs. "But it's not enough. You're exquisite and more than I ever thought I could have. This moment has been a lifetime in the making."

His words melt my heart. They steal the air from my lungs. I have to blink a couple of times to clear the moisture away .

He lifts me, setting me on the desk, and then, presses against my shoulder while he walks into the space between my legs. Just feeling him there makes my heart race.

I try to sit up, but he leans forward, flattening me to the table's surface. I whimper at the feel of him, pressed into me, gliding easily between my folds because I'm so fucking wet it's embarrassing. My face burns, but he almost seems out of it. His eyes are fixed on something I can't see, and he lets out this groan that makes my core clench on air.

"Gideon, please," I beg, barely able to believe that's my voice.

He reaches between us, sliding his fingers through me, pushing them deep into me. I arch my hips, trying to give him more room, needing more. My body tightens around the invasive digits. He bites down on my neck and lets go, kissing up to my ear. He yanks his fingers out, gripping my wrist and slamming it against the desk beside my head.

Our pants are so loud in the silence, and the whole time, he grinds his cock through my slickness and over my clit, sending me into rapture.

"So fucking wet. So fucking tight. I'm going to die, and it will be okay. I'll be happy," Gideon promises in a dark voice full of pleasure. "I'll come back, and we'll do it again." He thrusts his fingers in deep, pulls them out, and rolls his cock against my clit. "And again. Because not even heaven or hell could keep me from you."

I part my legs wider, no longer capable of coherent thought. I hold on to his shoulders, my head thrashing from side-to-side. The words, his words, repeat in my mind over and over, warming a part of me that has been cold for too many years.

He pulls his fingers out and eases back from me. With a whine from me and a growl from him, I feel him line himself up and push. His cock seems huge against my entrance, and then he stops. He brings his fingers to his mouth and sucks them clean. I watch, shocked and even more turned on than I was a moment ago. Gideon looks feral, and I'm here for it.

"Yeah, we're going to revisit that needing to taste you thing. Right now, though, I need to make you mine," he growls. "Are you mine, Jax?"

I blink, trying to form words. I nod.

"Words," he demands.

"Yes, Gideon. I'm yours. I've always been yours."

His face clears in relief like there was some part of him that doubted it. He pushes in; he doesn't do it hard, but it's not soft, either, it's a steady pressure until he's fully seated. I can feel his heavy balls pressed up against me and my pussy stretched tight around him.

"This is heaven," he whispers in my ear. "Jax, my Jax."

I wrap my arms around his back and lift my legs to wrap them around his waist. He drags himself out and then pushes back in, slow, firm, steady. The slight sting and discomfort from the stretch fades as his cock hits spots inside me that cause my nerves to light up. I rock against him, clenching around him. His hands roam over me, imprinting their feel into my skin.

This isn't sex.

It isn't lovemaking.

It's a claiming. It's inevitable.

It's coming home.

I hold him close, clutching, shifting to a better hold. A bolt of terror steals into my mind. The conviction that this is just another fantasy, another dream. A hallucination that will be medicated out of my memory.

"I'm here, I'm real, Jax Shade," Gideon growls and bites my shoulder. "I'm real. You're mine! No one is going to take you from me now. "

His movements grow fiercer, his thrusts almost violent, the pressure inside me grows. I feel the tide swelling, building. He stands up suddenly, walking to the wall, and slamming me against it, thrusting up harder than before, once, twice, three times.

His hand slams on the wall beside my head.

My eyes fill with tears, even as my body crests the peak and shatters. It's him, he's here, it's really, really him. My ghost is finally mine.

It slams into me, my body tightening and spasming around him. My mouth opens in a silent scream. I'm barely aware of him thrusting up, prolonging my orgasm, deepening it until he growls and stiffens, driving me into the wall in pure possession.

I open my eyes and lean my head against the wall. My body is still twitching. The aftershocks are like little strikes of lightning dancing around my body. I hold on to him as he buries his head in my shoulder and pants. I stroke his sweaty back, and then kiss the side of his neck, mouthing at the skin.

"You didn't leave me."

He lifts his head, and there's an expression I've never seen, something new between us, a soft look, a sated look. "I would never leave you, Jax. Never."

He presses his brow to mine and then kisses me. We stay like that until he's forced to step back and lower me to stand on my own feet. As soon as he does it, I want to crawl back into his lap and be that close to him again.

"All right, what are you thinking?"

I jerk my head up. "Nothing."

"You're thinking something."

I shrug my shoulders while he kneels in front of me with his t-shirt. I frown, but he shifts my leg until he can reach between my thighs and clean me up. My face burns as I watch him, while another part of me breaks, melts, and falls even deeper under his spell.

"I was thinking that I love being that close to you, and when you put me down, I wanted to crawl back into your lap just so we weren't apart," I confess and swallow hard.

Gideon stops what he's doing and looks up. "Really?"

I sigh. "I have this need to be around you, Dane, and Rafe. It's a compulsion that I've tried to fight. Sadly, I am losing."

"You didn't feel like that with-"

"Uh! We don't talk about him while your hands are there!" I snap. "And, no. I never did."

A smile plays on the edge of his lips. "I like that you want to be close to us."

I'm silent as he stands up and starts picking up clothes. "It scares me."

He looks over his shoulder and dumps the clothes on the desk. He closes the space between us and picks me up. "I know it does. You have reason to be scared, but we, we're going to fight to stay with you. I want a lifetime with you, Jax, and I'm going to fight for every moment."

I wrap my arms around his neck and hang on as he carries me through the house. He walks in, puts me on the bed, and taps my arms.

"I'll be back in a moment."

I turn and find Rafe lying on his side, watching me. "Hey, beautiful girl."

"Hi."

Rafe lifts the blanket, and I dive under it, cuddling into his arms. "What's going on?"

I shake my head and swallow the lump in my throat.

The door opens, and Dane grumbles as a still naked Gideon pushes him into bed. Dane sees me and dives forward to plant a hard kiss on my lips before he slides to the edge of the bed, allowing Gideon to slide in on that side in the middle.

It's silent for a few long seconds, and then Gideon chuckles. "I can hear you thinking too hard."

"You three are okay sleeping like this?" I ask into the throbbing silence because I don't know if this is weird or not.

"Yep," Rafe says.

"But you aren't attracted to each other?" I ask hesitantly.

"There were a few experiments in college, but, no," Dane says evenly. "We grew up together, we're all very comfortable with who we are, and I certainly am comfortable enough with my sexuality to sleep next to my family, even if one member has had an upgrade."

I bite back a laugh and hear flesh hitting flesh. "Not cool."

Dane snorts. "It was funny, though."

"Hilarious," Gideon says evenly.

"So, why are we all in here?" Rafe asks, returning us to the reason.

"Jax is scared. She thinks we're going to vanish. That we'll let her get close, and then we'll disappear on her. So I figured a sleepover might help."

"Ah. How thoughtful of you." Dane sits up. "Would you like a ring?"

I blink several times. "What?"

"We would marry you right now, tonight. You are it for us. We've known that for a long time." Dane leans back. "I tried to fight it, of course, because Terry, but yeah. There it is. Will that help you feel secure? Or we can get tattoos. Or take vows."

"Or you can sleep here in our arms and remember this ridiculous conversation in the morning and tell Dane you've decided matching heart-shaped tattoos on your asses is your decision," Rafe whispers .

I smother a giggle.

"I'm sorry," I say to the three of them. "Broken, I'm so fucking broken," I mutter in frustration. "I don't know how to undo these thoughts."

"Don't be sorry," Rafe says and wraps his arms tighter around me. "We adore you. All of you. Even your fears because they are part of you. We're going to get through this together."

I twist until I can see his face. "Let's get married."

Dane snaps upright in bed. "Are you serious? Tell me you're serious?"

Rafe and I explode into laughter, but Dane and Gideon are silent.

"That was consent," Gideon says. "She agreed to be ours."

"Wait, what?" I say in a daze.

"I heard it," Dane says. "We're getting married."

I blanch. "No!"

They turn towards me, and I can feel Dane take several mental steps away from me. Away from us. It hurts.

"You don't want to marry us?" He asks stiffly.

"Yes, I mean, no, I mean. Ugh. Yes, I would want to marry all three of you, some day," I clarify.

"But not now?" Gideon murmurs.

"Of course, not now. There's a homicidal, maniac, stalker serial killer who thinks I'm engaged to him killing anyone I care about. Of course, I'm not making you three bigger targets than you already are," I shout. I struggle out of Rafe's arms, but he sits up with me and snags my waist.

"Hold it a minute," Rafe says. "Dane has rejection issues. Dane, she's not rejecting you. Gideon, of course, she wants you. Jax…they didn't forget about Louis per se, they just don't want to live a life worrying about that monster all the time. Being your husband would be a dream come true. "

I allow Rafe to pull me down and lie there until I get comfortable.

"I can see I'm going to have to play mediator with you three hotheads," Rafe grumbles.

"We'd have it in the forest. Only Eddie and River," Dane says. "I'd wear blue."

"Why blue?" I ask, but I can see this perfect wedding already, and it makes me smile.

"Because I don't want to wear black on what will be the happiest day of my life."

It sounds like a dream. Too bad I live in a nightmare.