11. Gideon

Gideon

I find her alone, curled up in Rafe's library. It consists of a single desk, a chair, and two tall shelves with a pitiful amount of books. But it's a sign that Rafe is considering setting down roots here. That in and of itself is surprising. The grey carpet is clean and thick, and the long charcoal curtains block all light. It's a nice room.

Jax is sitting on the chair, her eyes far away.

I kneel in front of her and reach up to brush my hands over her thigh. She flinches. I sigh and sit back. She's got reasons to flinch around me. I knew this would be hard the minute I realised that I was in a body. I knew what we had might be over, but it hurts more than I could anticipate.

"Jax?" I whisper

She looks at me and glances away. "I don't know you. Every time I try to think about who you are, I realise I know nothing about you. I just have the memories we made together and my feelings."

Relief swamps the anxiety. I can handle this.

I sit on my heels. "I will tell you anything you want to know."

She stares at me silently for a moment. "Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla?"

I scoff. "Vanilla, of course."

Her lips twitch. "Do you like sports?"

I consider and draw a blank. My helplessness does not go unnoticed.

"Explain what happened there," Jax says, shifting her weight.

"It's like a blank spot where there used to be information. I don't know if I like sports. I don't know a lot of the day-to-day likes and dislikes. Terrance is fading away from me. Mason's memories are simply memories. I'm keeping the core of who I used to be, but I've changed. By becoming Gideon, I've changed."

"How?" she asks in frustration.

I clench my hand on her thigh and fight for the words to explain how it is now.

"I know there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you in this life or another." With a soft smile, I reach up and brush her hair behind her ear. "I know I love dancing with you. I prefer that old music you play over the modern stuff."

She giggles softly and looks down at her hands. This is the version of her that no one but me gets to see. Unsure of herself, feminine, innocent.

"I like listening to you when you get frustrated while you're driving. I like the way you worry constantly about your family and friends. And I want to be the person you talk to. I want to be the person who carries your worry."

She bites her bottom lip. Another part of her that I love.

"Okay, I don't like mustard on my burgers. I really don't like eggs, and I hate to admit it, but I think I'm allergic to cats."

She snorts a laugh. "That is truly evil. We're going to have to break up."

"I know. It was a doomed romance," I say and sit up. I work my way closer until I'm practically leaning on her lap.

"I'm a reasonably quiet man, who only needs simple things to be happy, but I know that when I love someone, I love them completely. Jax, I am yours. I know that scares you. After what Louis has done, I know having someone so intense is frightening, but I am yours. That was true when I was Terrance. It was true when I was Gideon, and it's true now that I'm Mason."

Her breath hitches, and I can feel the tremble in her thighs.

"You're in charge, Jax. That's how this works. We are partners, and we both have a say, but I will defer to you so that you can be happy and safe. What he did was wrong. It was manipulative and controlling. That's not how we are going to be. I promise you." I sit back, frustrated, but I get an idea. With a wink, I stand up and pull her up with me. I take her hands in mine.

"Jackie Harmon Blackwell, my Jax Shade, the smartest, bravest woman I've ever come across, I promise that in this relationship I will give you honesty, communication, respect, and love. I will never abuse the trust you have given me. I won't use words against you, and there will be no secrets between us. You don't know me yet, but you will, and every moment of that journey with me will be because we both choose it. I don't want to control you. Never, ever want to scare you. I have no desire for your resentment and fear, Jax."

I stare down into her wide eyes, hoping my words will reach her.

"I want to earn your love, earn your care. I want to feel pride when you call me family for the first time. Then I want to build a life with you, our life, with as much love as you need, because you deserve all of it. I love you, and I'd like to prove that to you every moment of every day. Will you walk this path with me? Will you be my partner?"

She stares up at me, her eyes welling with tears, and for a moment, I think I might have done something wrong, and then she nods.

"Yes. You're a giant dork, apparently, too, but yes."

"A romantic dork, though, right?"

She laughs through a sob and leans in to hug me tightly. "Totally romantic. Top ten memory. "

I snort a laugh and then nudge her. "Do you have your phone?"

She pulls it out.

"Pick one of those slow playlists. I just want to hold you for a while."

Her breath hitches again, and I see her smile before she turns away. The music turns on, one of those songs that make you think of romance, deep endless nights, and stars. The man singing could be singing about grass, but I'm lost already in her. She moves into my arms, and we move slowly in a circle.

Dancing with her is something that I've done as all three of my lives. It's something Mason has never done with her.

"Do you remember dancing with me at the club?"

She looks up. "What?"

"When I was Terrance, I remember. It's hazy, but I remember because it's the first time I saw you. We danced there, a song that turned slow. I couldn't look away. The way you felt was perfect."

"I remember. I hadn't realised that that was you."

I chuckle. "It was. I had to do some serious detective work to figure out that you were the famous artist Jackie Blackwell."

"You kept popping up in my life in all these places."

"Some of them were coincidence, some were contrived. I just couldn't stay away."

Pain flashes across her face. "I wish you had."

"I don't," I whisper. "Every moment is worth it because here we are, and you're mine and in my arms, dancing to this god awful song. And that makes this moment perfect. And I wouldn't change a thing."

"Do you remember Mason's memories?"

I grimace. "Yes, but other than the important ones or the strong ones, his are fading, too."

"Does that concern you?"

I think about it. "No. "

"Why?"

"Because between Terrence, Mason, and Gideon, ghost and alive, I have enough memories to make more than one person."

She shakes her head. "I don't understand."

"Trust me. Two versions of me as the man who loved you his entire life. Trust me, Jax, the only thing we want is for you to be safe and happy. We love you."

She sighs and relaxes against me. When she lays her head on my chest, my chest tightens, and I hug her closer. We've stopped moving our feet now, just swaying from side-to-side.

"Louis fucked me up more than I thought he did," she admits.

I wait, letting her think her way through whatever she wants to tell me.

"I've been so careful to keep people at arm's length or even further, even my family. I thought I was letting you three in, but I guess a part of me is terrified I'm making a mistake, that my judgment is that bad, because if I can not know Louis, maybe…"

"No!" I say vehemently. "Louis is skilled. He fooled everyone. He needed you to help him hide. But you are a good person. You have good judgment, but he infiltrated your life when you were a child. You didn't have a chance."

She lets out a shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for being who you are, Jax. Don't ever be sorry. You care about people, you look after people where you can. You don't hurt people. I know about all those funds you send to his victims' families."

She jerks her head back, and I smile.

"I'm probably the only one who knows. Don't worry."

She grumbles, but relaxes against me again.

"All right, let's play a game," I say huskily. "Let's play the ‘I dream' game."

"How' s that work?"

"Tell me what you dream our future looks like." I'm desperate to hear that she's dreaming about us in her life, that she's seeing a future.

"It's not a big dream," she says hesitantly.

"Oh? Come on, tell me."

"Well, I was hoping that we could find that spot my mum took me to. It's about four hours' drive away, and I figured after all this is done, we could go and look."

I see the stain of red on her ears, the hesitance in her voice, and even though I want to cheer and kiss her in pure relief and joy, I restrain myself.

"I'd love to do that with you, Jax. I know Dane really enjoys being outside, and Rafe just loves being near you."

She laughs, a bit self-consciously. "All right, so we'll do it? When it's done?"

"Yes. Road trip when we're done, and why stop there? Why not go and explore the world?"

She looks up, beaming at me. "Sure, why not!"

I spin her around and put her into a dip. "I want to kiss you."

Her eyes focus on me, and a lovely pink stains her cheeks, making me smile.

"Now, I want to do it even more."

"Okay."

"Is that permission?"

"Yes."

I pull her up from the dip and press my lips to hers before she can protest. Our kiss is slow, tender, sensual like the dance. I run my hands along her hips and down to her ass, gripping her cheeks and dragging her up against my cock.

I want her. I always want her .

She moans and tears her mouth away, panting hard. I slide my hands up her side and around to her chest, squeezing her breasts, then kneading them while she pants.

"I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than I want you," I say roughly. "I want your whimpers, your moans, your screams. Jax, I want your nails in my skin, your teeth in my shoulder. I want your pussy strangling my cock. I want every single drop of your pleasure. And then I want to do it again. But I want all your forevers. And I want to give you all of mine."

She looks at me through slitted eyes. "You talk too much."

I bark a laugh and pinch her nipple hard enough that she gasps, and her hips twitch. I grip the back of her neck and hold her while I pour every single truth of my words into her mouth.

I kiss her like I've spent a thousand years without her. I kiss her like she's the most precious person I've ever seen. Her hands climb up, wrapping around my neck, pulling my hair, and pulling me closer.

I tear myself away again, spinning her before I lift her top. Her arms go up, helping me, and I throw the material to the other side of the room. I slide my hands up her rib cage, catching her breasts. I love the softness, the weight of them in my hands.

"So beautiful," I whisper.

I thumb her nipples, chuckling as she arches her back and whimpers. With a snarl, I let go, and pull my own shirt off, throwing it away.

Her skin is hot against mine, my chest against her back. I sweep up her hair, putting it over her shoulder before I lean down to kiss her neck.

"You're beautiful," I whisper. "Perfect."

She shivers, and I reach around and push the pajama pants down. They fall slowly, and then she's naked in front of me. How long have I dreamed about this moment? I suck hard on her neck. She reacts instantly, her fingers tangling my hair, holding me close while her head tilts to the side, giving me more access.

I trail my fingers down her side, over the soft, creamy skin, my touch so soft, teasing, feeling the curves of her thighs. I change direction, cupping her lower stomach. This woman is soft everywhere. I adore it.

"You're perfect. You'll never know how often I tried to tell you."

She turns in my hold and reaches for my jeans, flicking the button open. She peeks up at me, and when I don't stop her, drags the zipper down. My cock jumps at the slight pressure of her fingers.

Yes! I have lived and died for this moment with this perfect, sexy, incredible woman. And I'd do every pain-filled moment again!