Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

A llan lurked in the shadows, avoiding everyone and trying as hard as he could not to be seen.

This wasn’t his usual behavior. He knew that, and he was sure that the way he was acting had been noticed. He wasn’t a wallflower. He was one to seek out ladies to dance with, to ask them for their hand and their time. He hated that he was acting this way. It made him feel more conspicuous than ever, as though surely everyone was looking at him and whispering about him, judging and asking questions. They must be. He was so conscious of his own behavior that it was impossible to imagine that it wouldn’t be overly transparent to everyone else in the room.

The fact that no one was looking at him was only somewhat reassuring. Perhaps they were afraid to do so. Perhaps no one wanted to stare directly at a duke.

Then again…it was always possible that his plan was working. Maybe he simply hadn’t caught anybody’s attention. That was what he had intended for tonight. He didn’t want to be bothered any further by his grandmother. He didn’t want to be pestered by Miss Catherine, Miss Georgina, or Miss Olivia—though he knew there was something unfair about his feelings toward those ladies who had done nothing wrong. They couldn’t help it if they were a bit annoying.

Most of all, though, Allan didn’t want to be noticed by Lady Edwina. She had made it so abundantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. And then that moment by the river, and everything that had come after…he had lived those moments again and again in his head since that day, regretting the fact that he hadn’t simply kissed her while she had been right there in front of him. It had been the perfect moment, a moment they might not get again. What in the world had stopped him?

He didn’t know—but he feared he might always wonder what would happen if they hadn’t held themselves back. Certainly, he wished to know right now.

“Your Grace, what are you doing here?”

Allan cursed under his breath, but at the same time, he was thankful that the voice belonged to a gentleman. He turned to see Seth standing slightly behind him, one eyebrow raised.

“And since when am I Your Grace to you?” he asked his friend.

“Since when do you hide in corners at balls?” Seth asked. “I don’t recognize my friend. Something is amiss here. Are you going to tell me what it is?”

“Nothing is amiss.”

“Well, surely you don’t think me foolish enough to believe that,” Seth said with a smirk. “I know you well enough to know that you would be out there enjoying yourself if that were the case. As it is, you look as if you’d rather be anywhere but here. Skulking in the corner like a thief—I’ve never seen anything like it from you. Who are you hiding from?”

“I’m not hiding from anyone,” Allan protested, feeling himself growing riled and irritated in spite of his best efforts. “And you don’t know everything about me, Seth, although you might like to tell yourself that you do.”

“Ah,” Seth said. “I see. You’re hiding from Lady Edwina.”

“I’m not hiding from Lady Edwina . What a foolish, nonsense statement. What possible reason would I have to hide from her?”

“I rather hoped you might tell me that,” Seth said. “It’s clear that something strange is happening. And I’ve been paying attention to you these past few days, Allan, and you haven’t spent any time at all in her company.”

“Well, I can think of no reason why I would,” Allan argued, feeling himself grow tense.

“What of your five dates?”

“Not every moment of my life is going to be given over to that, you know. I do have other things that I wish to do with my time.”

“I see,” Seth smirked. “So, you’re hiding from her because you don’t wish to see her?”

“I’m not hiding from her, I told you.” Allan’s irritation with his friend was mounting, and now, he wished that he hadn’t been spotted at all. He shouldn’t have come down for the ball—although, he supposed, he would have been conspicuous in his absence just as he was in his presence.

“If you’re not hiding from her, you may as well go and say good evening to her,” Seth suggested.

“What?”

Seth nodded toward the doorway.

Allan took a sharp breath in as he saw her. Lady Edwina was dressed in an ornate gown of pale blue embroidered with flowers and vines. Her auburn hair was curled on top of her head and pinned into an elaborate style that showed off her delicate face.

He had always thought her beautiful. Today, for the first time, he felt positively breathless at the sight of her.

Perhaps it was because of the kiss they hadn’t shared. He saw her now, and all he could think of was how it would feel to take her into his arms and finally get that kiss. He found that he longed for it. And there was every chance in the world that Lady Edwina would simply never speak to him again.

How could he have ever pretended to himself that he wasn’t hiding from her? Of course, that was what he was doing. Of course, she was the thing that plagued him. He had no idea how to manage himself in her presence now that this wall had been put up between the two of them.

He had been wrong to think that he could tolerate this. He ought to leave this party at once.

And then Lord Kentrow appeared before Lady Edwina.

Allan’s shoulders tensed.

He hadn’t spent a great deal of time thinking about Lord Kentrow since the day he had discovered the gentleman at Lady Edwina’s home, but seeing him now brought that memory back. First the visit to her at her home, and now this—it was clear that Lord Kentrow did have feelings for Lady Edwina.

And as he watched, he saw a flush come over Lady Edwina’s cheeks.

It was the same flush that had been there when the two of them had been on their own together. It was something he had been daydreaming about since that moment. But seeing it now made him feel as though a monster had come to life within him. He felt full of rage that he didn’t know what to do with. His arms trembled, and he fisted his hands in his pockets to try to control it.

Seth looked from Lady Edwina to Allan and back. “Ah,” he said quietly. “Now I understand. She prefers him to you—is that it?”

“How can I know what she prefers? And what should it matter to me if she does?” Allan blustered. “You know as well as anyone that there was never anything serious between the two of us, Seth. I seek a perfect duchess, not an unattainable spinster.”

The two gentlemen watched as Lord Kentrow took Lady Edwina’s arm. The color on her cheeks grew more pronounced as he led her onto the dance floor.

It was impossible to imagine that she did not feel something for him. It was so obvious. And as he observed them dancing, Allan found himself feeling an unpleasant sensation in the pit of his stomach. It felt as if he had eaten something that didn’t agree with him.

A servant walked by with a platter of wine glasses. Allan grabbed one and downed half of it quickly.

Seth stared at him. “All right,” he said. “Let’s go up to the library. I don’t think it’s doing you any good to be down here watching this.

The library was dark and quiet, with no candles and no fire. Seth took a seat, but Allan couldn’t stop pacing, thinking about what must be happening downstairs, even at this very moment.

“I didn’t realize that you cared for her,” Seth said softly.

“I told you, I don’t.” Allan’s fingers ached, and he forced himself to relax his hands.

“But you do,” Seth said. “I could see how the sight of her affected you, Allan. I’m not a fool. Why won’t you admit it? I know that you never meant to feel anything for her. I know that you’ve never meant to let yourself feel anything for any young lady—I was once the same if you’ll recall.”

“It’s different for me,” Allan insisted.

“I don’t see how it’s different,” Seth argued. “You and I have the same responsibilities, don’t we? We each had to find an appropriate duchess to stand beside us. Perhaps you think I abandoned that duty when I found the lady I truly loved—Is that what you believe?”

“Of course, I don’t believe that,” Allan said. “You know how I feel about the Duchess. Lavinia is a marvelous lady. Perfect for you. And she makes a fine duchess and a fine wife at that. You are lucky to have her.”

“And you don’t think her sister would be just as good?”

“It’s completely different, and you know it. Everyone knows that Lavinia wanted to marry and to be a wife and mother. Even at her most awkward, she was always doing her best to fit in among the ton, and people could see that about her. But Lady Edwina is completely different. She wants nothing to do with things like marriage and fitting in. No matter how well bred a lady is, she can’t possibly be what I’m looking for if she doesn’t even want to be.”

“But if she has no desire for those things, what is she doing dancing with Lord Kentrow?”

“I’m sure she simply doesn’t wish to be rude to him.”

“You should go and speak to her, Allan. Maybe things have changed for her.”

“I have no reason to think that might be the case,” Allan said stiffly. “And I’m certainly not going to beg any lady for her attention, Seth. You know perfectly well that I don’t need to lower myself to that.”

“Of course, you don’t, and yet, if you truly want to spend time with her, you’re going to have to make sure she knows it,” Seth explained. “I saw the way you looked at her when Lord Kentrow led her onto the dance floor. Your face was as tight as if you had swallowed a lemon. For a moment, I really thought you might lash out and break something. That’s part of why I led you from the room, you know.”

“I’m going back down,” Allan said.

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do? You don’t have to, you know. I think it pains you to see her with Lord Kentrow, Allan, and I feel sure she’s still going to be dancing with him.” Seth stepped forward, hesitated for a moment, and then rested a hand on Allan’s shoulder. “Perhaps Lavinia and I should never have aided you in securing these dates with her in the first place.”

“You had nothing to do with it,” Allan informed him. “Your choice to offer her in the auction didn’t compel me to place my bid.” He felt so full of anger that he knew he needed to walk away from his friend right then and there or risk saying something he might regret. It frightened him, feeling this angry—and he didn’t understand the reason behind it. He had come to like Lady Edwina, to respect her, and to admire her beauty, but that was no reason for the sort of response he was having now. He couldn’t possibly be this upset about her. It made no sense, and he didn’t know what to do with the things he was feeling.

He turned and strode quickly out of the room.