Chapter 14

Ill met by Moonlight

Nigel had no idea why he had followed Olivia. The smell of fresh lavender filled him, the smell of her. He could still feel the softness of her hand in his. As soon as she had left the dance floor, he knew he should have left her be.

And yet, his feet had other ideas. He had followed her through the halls and then stood outside the library, wrestling with the strange urge that seemed to have a hold of him. This is madness. Stop this at once.

And then he heard her say, "There must be something deeply, deeply wrong with me."

In that moment, the last semblance of self-control snapped, and he found himself opening the door. How can she think that anything at all could be wrong with her.

Her eyes widened, her delicate white skin almost glowing in the moonlight. He heard her ask, "Why did you follow."

"I don't know." The words fell between them, silence stretching out. "I wanted to make sure you were well."

"What does it matter to you if I am well or not?" Olivia folded her arms across her chest.

"It matters." Nigel shook his head. "It matters a great deal."

"I find that hard to believe.

"Well, as you can see, I am perfectly fine." Olivia bit her lip. "Was that all?"

"Yes." No. Nigel knew he should turn and leave, but he found he could not make his feet obey him. "I should leave."

"By all means, please do." Olivia gestured to the door though there was an odd look in her face as she did so. "I would not wish to keep you from the festivities."

Silence seemed to stretch between them, solidifying until it seemed to replace the very air around them. Leave. Staying will only lead to heart break.

"Why do you think there is something wrong with you?" Nigel found himself asking, the words tumbling from his mouth before he could stop them.

"You know, eavesdropping is rather a deplorable habit." Olivia frowned at him, but her voice was more sad than angry.

"I did not mean to." Nigel moved towards her. "But you must know that there is nothing wrong with you."

Olivia snorted. "Please, do not mock me. I do not think I could bear it."

"Why do you think I am mocking you?" Nigel canted his head towards her.

"Do you not recall what you said about me?" Olivia's face twisted in bitter anger. "Are you not the same man who said that I was too open hearted and wholly innocent? That even the mere idea of being with me was preposterous.

Nigel winced, the reminder of his own words stinging. "Those are not bad things. I did not mean them as a slight on your character."

Olivia scoffed but said nothing.

"Truly, I think the fact that you are as open hearted as you are is a miraculous thing." Nigel found himself taking another step towards her and only just stopped himself. "With all your family has suffered, your brother and his isolation…

"So many people would have hardened themselves, cut off that soft part of them, and met the world around them with the same scorn they were shown." Nigel shook his head in wonder. "Yet you did not. You greeted the world as though it were an old friend, a place full of possibility and laughter."

"Much good it has done me," Olivia said bitterly.

Nigel's heart twisted. "You should not scorn your willingness to see the best in the world. It is a most wonderous gift. I wish only that I had even one tenth of that optimism. To see the world as you do. To bring such joy to everyone and everything around me."

"These are pretty words, but forgive me if I find them hard to believe." Olivia met his gaze. "You are only saying these things now because you pity me, sad little Olivia, too hysterical to even dance without needing to flee."

"I do not pity you. I envy you." Nigel saw the pain in Olivia's eyes, pain he knew he had caused, and he felt something within him threaten to break. I must be strong.

"Please, stop this. I know the truth. You said that it would be a most terrible fate to marry me. That you would never, ever want it." Olivia's eyes filled with tears. "And it seems that everyone else is in agreement."

"What do you mean?" Nigel asked.

"Clearly you were more right than you knew. I am not good enough for you or anyone else." Olivia's voice broke, and her words shattered something within Nigel.

"You are wrong." Nigel ran a hand through his hair.

"Stop lying to me. Please. Just… just leave me alone." Olivia made to turn away, but Nigel stopped her.

He grabbed her hand without thinking, pulling her to face him. "I wish I could."

"What do you mean?" Olivia's eyes widened, but she did not move away.

"All this time, I've known that I needed to stay away from you. That I should stay away from you, keep my distance. And yet, no matter how hard I try, I cannot." Nigel let out a frustrated growl. "Even now, I know I should leave, and yet…"

He let out a sigh, his eyes searching Olivia's face. He saw the pain he had caused, the seeds he had planted hoping to keep her away. "When I said those things to you, I only had one thought —"

"To avoid marrying me, I know. You made that abundantly clear." Olivia bit her lip, shaking her head in disgust.

"You do not understand. I did not mean —" Nigel began, but Olivia cut him off again.

"— to tell me exactly how you felt? To prove that I was completely and utterly unworthy of you? Of anyone for that matter?" Tears streamed down Olivia's face.

"That is not what I sai?—"

"— you said it would be a ‘terrible fate' to marry me." Olivia prodded Nigel in the chest. "Stop trying to pretend differently. Stop acting as though you do not think I am worthy of you."

"I am not worthy of you!" Nigel's voice rose as he grabbed Olivia's hand, holding her in place. "How can you not understand this? Everything I said that day, everything I have done since. It is not because you are not worthy of me, how could it be?"

"But —" Olivia began, but this time it was Nigel who cut her off.

"How could someone like me be worthy of someone like you? You, who are good and pure and all things delightful in this world. You, who have so much to look forward to, so much time to enjoy. I could not ever hope to be enough for you." Nigel reached a shaking hand towards Olivia's face.

"But… but… you said…" Olivia's eyes widened, her breath seeming to catch in her throat.

"I said that I would never want you to marry me." Nigel shook his head, a wry smile spreading across his face. "The thought of you being forced into a life with me, that was the fate I wanted you to avoid. I did not want you to be shackled into such an existence."

"What - I - I don't understand." Olivia's eyes darted between Nigel's. "You… You do not think you are good enough for me?"

"I know that I am not. I know that a life with me would be a fate worse than death for you. I could not ruin your life like that." Nigel's finger brushed a tear from Olivia's cheek.

"If I had thought for even a moment that my words would cause you to believe yourself less than, I would never have said them." Nigel's voice was little more than a whisper. "That I have made you feel like this, that I made you doubt all that you have to offer. I shall never forgive myself."

Olivia's voice was as breathless as his. "What are you saying?"

"You are perfect, just as you are," Nigel whispered, willing her to see the truth of his words in his eyes. "Do not ever doubt that."

Olivia caught his hand in hers. Nigel felt the warmth of her touch spread through him, travelling from the tips of his fingers deep into his chest. Her lips parted. Nigel made to look away, but Olivia gently caught his face with her free hand.

He let her pull his gaze back to hers. They were so close that he could feel her breath against his face. In the moonlight, he could see the delicate features of her skin. Each beautiful eyelash, the subtle curve of her lips. They were less than a hair's breadth apart.

"Nigel," she breathed into the space between them.

He closed the distance, his lips finding hers. Something inside him screamed in triumph, flooding him with a wild exhilaration, drowning out all sense of reason.

He lost himself in the moment. Lost himself in the feel of her lips against him, the perfect shape of her pressed against him. He felt something tug the fabric of his coat.

Before he could react, something jerked him backwards. He didn't even have time to cry out as he smacked into the bookshelf against the wall.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Alexander roared as he towered over Nigel.

Ah. Damn.