Chapter 13

Excitement or trepidation

"Olivia, have you heard a word that I just said?" Lady Cotswalts' voice broke into Olivia's thoughts.

Olivia was sitting in the carriage with Jane and Lady Cotswalts on their way to Rose and Alexander's ball. She shook her head, trying to clear it. Her cheeks reddened as she tried to recall the other woman's words.

"My apologies, Lady Cotswalts, I was distracted." Olivia smiled, hoping to hide the odd roiling sensation in her stomach.

She had felt this way for the last three days. Ever since Lady Cotswalts had read the invitation to Rose and Alexander's ball. When it had arrived, Olivia had felt a peculiar thrill run through her. This strange feeling had been immediately followed by a nausea so strong she had feared she would be sick.

The feeling had only intensified as time went on. Nigel's face swam to the forefront of her mind, and Olivia felt a smile tug at the corner of her lips. No. What are you doing?

"I was asking if you and the Duke had managed to put all your unpleasantness behind you?" Lady Cotswalts gave Olivia a flat look. "Jane tells me that you both seemed quite cordial on your promenade."

Olivia felt her colour deepen. "Ni— the Duke and I do seem to have reached an accord."

"Excellent." Lady Cotswalts smiled and then carefully adjusted Olivia's necklace. "That will make everything much, much more straightforward."

Olivia swallowed the guilt rising in her and looked away. "Yes, it will."

How do I tell her that I think she may have been mistaken? Olivia glanced at Jane and then at the Duchess, losing her nerve. Perhaps she wouldn't have to tell anyone anything. After all, she had not heard from Lord Briston or Nigel since that promenade.

"Once we are announced, we shall greet Alexander and Rose, and then we shall go about finding your quarry for the evening!" Lady Cotswalts nodded to herself.

"Oh! It will be so lovely to see Rose. But do you think this ball might be too much exertion for someone in her… condition?" Jane frowned worriedly as she said this.

"I am sure Alexander will look after her." Olivia squeezed Jane's hand reassuringly. "Besides, I am quite sure that Rose will enjoy the ball and probably could do with a break from his protectiveness."

"Do not worry, your sister is a sensible woman. She will not over-exert herself, and she can always retire early should the festivities prove too much for her." The carriage drew to a halt as Lady Cotswalts spoke, and she glanced out of the window. "Ah good, we have arrived. Jane, Olivia, are you both ready?"

Olivia swallowed. The jolt of the carriage had felt like a jolt through her soul. She glanced at Emberly House, her family's London home, and tried to calm herself. Nigel's face swam before her eyes again, and her heart quickened in response.

Jane took Olivia's hand and squeezed it, bringing her back to the present as they left the carriage. "You seem rather distracted this evening; are you quite well?"

Olivia glanced around and slowed down slightly so that Lady Cotswalts was out of earshot. "I am not sure. I… I keep thinking about… Well, I keep thinking about the Duke. About… Nigel."

To Olivia's surprise, Jane did not seem taken aback by this revelation. "Well, you will probably see him shortly. He is a close friend of your brother's, is he not?"

Olivia nodded. "But I am not sure if I even want to see him."

Jane frowned. "Why ever not?"

"Well, I am supposed to be getting his cousin to pursue me for a start." Olivia sighed. "And for another thing, Nigel is completely wrong for me. And even if he wasn't, he has already made it abundantly clear that he will never think of me in that way."

Jane opened her mouth to reply but was halted by Lady Cotswalts beckoning them forwards. Together, they sped up and waited to be announced in silence. Olivia could sense that Jane wanted to continue their discussion but was not willing to do so within earshot of her mother.

"Announcing, Lady Olivia Rokesby, Lady Cotswalts, and Miss Jane Pembleton." The booming voice rang out, and Olivia felt all eyes turn towards her.

Unlike the season before, there was less hostility in the gazes she felt upon her. Less open scorn and suspicion. Instead, the gazes felt more appreciative and intrigued.

She found herself scanning the ballroom for Nigel's messy, sandy brown hair and found him in a distant corner with his cousin beside him. Their eyes met briefly, and Olivia looked away. Her heart seemed to thunder in her chest. When she glanced back at the spot Nigel had been, she found only Lord Briston.

He waved at her, and Olivia smiled back. Beside her, she was aware of Lady Cotswalts, already subtly guiding their party through the crowds. I wonder where Nigel went — perhaps he has no wish to see me. The thought stung though she did not understand why.

"Little Olive!" The familiar voice of her brother, Alexander boomed out, and Olivia turned to face him, smiling.

Her brother was striding towards her, an enormous smile on his face and his arms stretched out wide. Rose walked beside him, the cut of her dress almost completely hiding her round stomach. Yet it was the person to the right of her brother who caught her gaze.

Nigel. His green eyes met hers, and her chest tightened. She smiled in greeting, but before she could say anything else, Alexander had embraced her.

"It is good to see you, dearest sister." Alexander beamed at her.

"And you, Brother-mine." Olivia grinned. "And of course, it is good to see you too, Rose. I hope the journey was not too bad."

"The journey was delightful." Rose laughed and then added in a stage whisper, "In truth, it is wonderful to be out of the castle and in London — it has kept Alexander distracted, and I have appreciated a break from his worry."

Alexander frowned at Rose while Lady Cotswalts, Jane, Olivia, and Nigel all laughed.

"And of course, it is lovely to see you too, Lady Cotswalts. Miss Jane." Alexander bowed to both women.

"And you, Your Grace." Lady Cotswalts briefly embraced Rose. "You look very well, my darling Rose."

"That is fortunate, for I feel as round as a ball." Rose shook her head.

"You look radiant!" Olivia said reassuringly.

"That is what I keep telling her!" Alexander shook his head and gently kissed his wife on her forehead.

"You, dear husband, are hardly an objective judge of my looks." Rose poked Alexander jokingly in his chest, letting him catch her hand as she did so. "You once told me I would look good in rags."

"And I stand by it." Alexander smiled and kissed Rose's hand.

Before he could say anything else, the band struck up a tune, and Olivia noticed that the dance floor looked rather more subdued than she had expected. Rose caught sight of Olivia's gaze and smiled sadly.

"People seem somewhat reluctant to start." Rose laid a hand over her stomach.

"They just need a little encouragement." Lady Cotswalts gave Alexander a look. "Perhaps if the host graced the dance floor with his presence."

"But Rose —" Alexander began, but Rose interrupted him.

"— will be quite fine on her own. I do not have the energy for a dance, but I agree with mother. It would be good for everyone to see at least one of us take to the floor." Rose smiled. "Why don't you dance with Jane?"

"I would be delighted to. If your sister is willing to accept me as her dance partner." Alexander held out an arm to Jane.

"Of course, thank you, Your Grace," Jane agreed.

"You do not have to call me that, you know. We are family," Alexander said as they made their way to the dance floor.

Olivia could not hear Jane's reply over the thundering in her heart. Her chest squeezed as she watched Jane and Alexander walk towards the dance floor. An odd heaviness stole over her, and she found her eyes flicking to Nigel and away. What is wrong with me?

"Well, my dear, we can't very well have you remain alone for this dance." Lady Cotswalts smiled at Olivia and gently inclined her head towards the crowd gathered across the dance floor.

She is suggesting I dance with Lord Briston. Olivia knew she should follow the other woman, knew that she should want to dance with the man, yet her feet would not move. It seemed as though everything around her was slowing down.

"May I have the honour of this dance, My Lady?" Nigel's eyes were soft as he held out his hand to her.

Olivia turned to him, trying to keep the surprise and relief from her face as she nodded, not quite trusting her words. What is wrong with you? It is hardly as though you have never danced with him before. Nigel took her hand, and once more the scent of nutmeg and cinnamon washed over her.

As they took up their positions on the dance floor, Olivia was painfully aware of the feel of Nigel's hand around her own. His other hand was firmly but tenderly placed at the small of her back. I do not think I have ever been more grateful for the many layers of fabric that go into dressmaking.

Swallowing, her eyes met Nigel's as they began to dance. She was struck by the line of his jaw; a strange tightness and softness seemed to war within him.

I should say something. And yet, the words would not come. She felt as though she was drowning. The world around her seemed to fade until all that was left was Nigel. Her heart hammered in her chest, and absently, she marvelled that he could not hear it.

Olivia's chest was impossibly tight, and no matter how she tried, she could not seem to catch her breath. Nigel's touch, the way he smelled, and the graceful way he guided her through the dance — it was too much and yet somehow not enough.

And then, it was over.

Olivia saw Nigel open his mouth to say something. An animal sense of urgency filled her, but before he could get his words out, Olivia turned and fled.

"What is wrong with you?" Olivia murmured to herself as she wound her way towards the eastern library, her favourite room in the house. "It was just a dance. There is no reason for you to be so unmade."

She flung the library door open and leaned against one of the bookshelves, praying that her breath would return. She could still feel the warmth of Nigel's hands around hers.

Absently she curled her fingers into a fist, as if to trap the feeling within them. "Why, why him?"

Olivia shook her head, the scent of nutmeg and cinnamon still fresh in her mind. "Of all the men in the world, why am I drawn to him? The man who thinks I am too immature and na?ve for him."

She slumped against the bookshelf, her breaths gradually deepening. "I am supposed to want his cousin. Not this… Not…" Yet when I am with Lord Briston, it feels pleasant enough but nothing more.

Things flow with Nigel. There is an odd rightness, but how can that be? It makes no sense. Olivia let out a frustrated noise and scowled out of the window into the moonlit garden.

There were a few figures dotted around, each seeming to enjoy the quiet peace the gardens had to offer. Some were holding hands, and Olivia felt an odd prickle of jealousy stir within her. What would it be like to walk hand in hand through the moonlight with someone you cared for?

"It would seem this season is destined to be just as much of a failure as the last one. I cannot even manage to fall into the match someone else has already put into motion." Olivia frowned. "Though I had rather expected the match Lady Cotswalts proposed to feel more right."

Distantly she was aware of a clock chiming. How long have I been standing here? Will anyone have even missed me? She refused to wonder if Nigel might be worried about her. Her treacherous heart twisted at the thought.

"There must be something deeply, deeply wrong with me," Olivia sighed.

"Why would you say that?" a familiar voice said from behind her.

She whirled around, her heart hammering. Nigel stood in the doorway, his face half illuminated by the moonlight, the other half in shadow.

For a moment, neither of them said anything. Olivia's mind seemed almost sluggish. Nigel took a step towards her.

"I did not mean to intrude. I… I just wanted to make sure you were well." He made to take another step towards her and then seemed to think better of it. "I seem to have upset you. Again."

"You have not caused me any upset." Olivia was grateful for how steady her voice sounded.

"Then why did you flee?" Nigel canted his head towards her.

"Why did you follow?" Olivia shot back. Why are you here?

"I don't know." As soon as he said the words, it was as if all the air in the room vanished.

Oh.