19. Katerina

I’m a big fake. A poser. I have been all my life. I struggle with so much. Imposter syndrome, anxiety. Most of the time I feel weak, inadequate, so much less than perfect. So much less than what I’m supposed to be. I hid it though. I constantly tell myself and everyone around me how strong I am. I build walls, I keep the truth hidden, and my insecurities are shoved so far back in my mind. So far that sometimes I pretend they don’t exist. But they do.

The one true simple reason I fell for Xander was because he made me feel seen. In a way no one else has before. I’m not sure how he did it but when I met him, it was like he could look at me and pull out every hidden thought, all my fears seemed like nothing when I was with him. He’s the only person that’s ever made me feel safe and protected. I didn’t have to speak, he just understood.

Everyone wishes for someone like that. I had him and then I lost him. And now standing here as his arms wrap around me and his mouth molds with mine, I can’t help but think about how much of an idiot I was.

So fucking stupid. How could I have let him go? When he feels like this. Especially because he feels like this. Something in my gut aches, my pulse races and my heart pounds so hard it’s fucking painful.

His lips are warm against mine. My knees buckle under the intensity of that warmth. His left hand drops to catch my lower back, pressing me flush against him. Our lips communicate in a dance I’m not sure our minds understand. Ebbing and driving against each other as if even the thought of being apart would kill us both.

I press my palms against his chest, fisting his shirt and tugging him tighter. My fingers trail the contours of his chest. When his tongue pushes past my lips, swirling across mine like he’s desperate for a taste, I let him. I sink further and further into him, sinking into his body, surrendering myself completely and he kisses me harder.

My hands rise up to his hair, gripping it tighter as he kisses me. A gasp escapes my mouth when he bites my bottom lip before sucking the sting away. I can’t stop kissing him, I don’t want to stop. If I stop it’ll be over. I don’t want it to be over.

“It fucking hurts,” he says against my lips.

“I know,” is all I’m able to say before he’s kissing me again, furiously, his lips searing.

Xander tugs one of my legs up and around his waist, pressing against me. I can feel his hard length, pressing into me. I haven’t had sex in a long time. Intimacy has always been hard for me. Except when it’s with Xander.

When it’s Xander, it’s as easy as breathing. I get a moment of reprieve, a moment to breathe when his mouth moves to the corner of my lips, kissing and biting his way down softly. He sucks on a sensitive spot on my neck making me shiver. I feel his pleased smirk against my skin. I grip his arms about to beg for more when there’s the sound of footsteps climbing down the steps.

It’s like a bucket of ice cold water dousing our bodies. Xander practically rips his body away from mine, jerking away as if scalded. I blink, trying to come to terms with our surroundings, remembering we’re still in the kitchen, in his home where our son lives.

We hear voices nearing, Nate speaks to his aunt rapidly, telling her about a school project of his. When they enter the kitchen, they pause in their steps. Mikayla looks from me to her brother, her eyes taking in our stance and the distance between us. There’s no masking my heavy breathing. Her eyebrows climb slowly, realization dawning in her expression.

Nate however seems oblivious. He walks in, blinking innocently.

“Is something wrong? Dad? Katerina?” he questions.

I shake my head but his father doesn’t speak, staring at a far space on the wall. A muscle ticks in his jaw. The tension in extremely palpable.

Nate’s dark eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“How about we head back upstairs, my love? Your parents seem to be in the middle of something,” Mikayla sates.

“No,” Xander snaps immediately. “We’re fine.”

And before anyone else can say a word, he storms out of the kitchen. I watch him leave, feeling a searing pain in my chest.

I might have just ruined everything.

Xander hasn’t spokento me since our kiss in the kitchen. He had dinner with myself, Nate and Mikayla, last night but he barely said a word. I caught Nate sneaking glances at his father, worried about him. It’s all my fault. Not only did I barge into their lives, I’m starting to upend it.

And if that kiss is provoking such a visceral reaction from him, then it’s clear it never should have happened. I just wish he would talk to me. I have to return home soon to face my problems. I’ve avoided it all for long enough. Rico will pick me up soon and I really wish we could at least have a conversation before I go.

There’s a knock on my door and I rise to my feet to open it, revealing Nate on the other side. I try not to let my surprise show. I’ve been here two days and he’s never willingly sought me out. He also hasn’t pushed me away when I went to talk to him so there’s been progress.

We’ve gotten better at talking to each other. I’ve told him a lot about myself and he’s shared his hobbies as well, likes and dislikes. It’ll take a while to build a relationship but I’m willing to get there.

“Hi, Katerina,” he says unsurely. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” I quickly say, shifting from the doorway to let him pass.

He walks into the room and after a brief moment of hesitation, he takes a seat on the made up bed.

“You can sit too,” he tells me.

I laugh softly under my breath. “Okay. How can I help you today?”

“You said you were leaving today,” he starts. “I just wanted to ask when you’d be coming back.”

“Oh, I’ll be back soon, sweetheart. Maybe not today or tomorrow because I have a lot of work to do but in two days? I promise I’ll come then. I wish I didn’t have to go though.”

He nods. “Okay. I just wanted to make sure.”

“Nate, I promised. I won’t leave again. Promises are meant to be kept,” I say sincerely.

Now that I’ve met him, there’s nothing on earth that could keep me away.

“I know, dad’s always telling me that as well,” he says with a small smile. “About dad… did something happen, between two of you? Are you in a fight?”

My heart aches and I sigh softly, wondering how to answer his question. I’m glad he asked though. He’s initiating conversation and even if it’s hard, I want to be able to talk to him.

“Your dad and I have a very complicated history. When I left you, I also left him as well and he’s angry about what I did. I deserve his anger though.”

“He missed you a lot,” Nate says quietly. “When he would tell me stories about you, I could tell he missed you.”

My mouth dries. I have no idea what to say to that.

“I missed him too,” I tell Nate, deciding to be honest.

He smiles pleased with my reply. “And I missed you too.”

“I missed you more than I’ve ever missed anyone ever, baby,” I tell him. “Way more than I missed your dad.”

He laughs. “Don’t let him hear that. He’ll be sad.”

“Actually, I think he’ll be glad,” I say. “And don’t worry, Nate, your father and I will resolve our issues on our own. You just have to be happy. I want that more than anything.”

“I am happy. I’m happy you’re back.”

“Can I get a hug?” I ask quietly.

He nods and I shift forward enveloping his smaller frame. He holds me close and I take it all in. His smell, the way he feels, wanting to imprint it in my head forever. I love him so much. And I want to tell him, but baby steps. We’ll get there.

He lets go and leaves the room to go and play with his robots after I promise him one last time that I’m coming back. I finish packing my clothes, staring at the room and wishing I could just stay there. It’s been a form of sanctuary these past two nights. A sanctuary I don’t want to leave. But I have to.

When I exit the room, Xander’s leaning against the pillar on the other side of the door, face expressionless even as I appear.

“Hey,” I say quietly.

“You’re leaving?”

“Yes. Rico’s picking me up in ten minutes.”

“Good, so we have ten minutes to talk,” Xander states to my relief.

“Okay,” I say carefully. “I was wondering if you would want to before I left.”

He stares at me, green eyes shuttered. I hate when he gets like this, cold, distant. I can’t tell what he’s thinking when he does. I wait patiently for him to speak.

“What happened yesterday was a mistake, Katerina. We both know that.”

I’d be lying if I said his words didn’t sting. But it’s nothing more than I thought. What I expected. Of course it was a mistake.

“It shouldn’t have happened,” I tell him.

“Our situation is already complicated enough and we can’t allow things like that to get in the middle of whatever progress we hope to achieve. Plus, we have Nate to think about. He’s the priority, not whatever this is between us,” he says in an undertone.

“Nate’s more important,” I say nodding.

“So we’re in agreement? The kiss never happened and we’re both just going to forget it,” he says earnestly.

I want to tell him that he’s being delusional and that’s not how things like this work. But I let him have it. I think he needs it to have some peace of mind.

“The kiss never happened. Honestly I don’t know what you’re talking about. Our lips have never even met, hell, I’m pretty sure Nate was conceived divinely or something.”

Like I hoped, his lips twitch and his expression lightens. He finally smiles.

“Very funny, princess,” he says dryly. “But seriously, I want you in my life. As Nate’s mother. I want us to be able to build a relationship that benefits him. So friends?” he asks, stretching his hand forward.

I nod, reaching towards him and placing my hand in his. It fits, perfectly, like he was always meant to hold it. I know he can feel it to. I notice the tensing in his shoulders, but he lets me go and it all dissipates.

“I think we’ll be great friends,” I tell him, lying through my teeth.

He nods, seemingly relieved. “Come on, let’s go wait for that cousin of yours to arrive. I’d like to meet him.”

“Okay, but just a warning, Rico’s not your biggest fan.”

He chuckles. “Yeah? We’ll see.”

There wasa time I was terrified of my father. He’s never once in my twenty nine years of existence laid his hands on me. Has never physically abused me. In fact he loved me as best as he could. Both me and my sister.

Despite him never hitting me, there has never been any doubt in my mind that my father could be a monster if he wanted to. He scared me for several reasons. Because he didn’t try hard enough to shield us from the dark parts of our world, especially after the passing of our mother. I was also scared because I didn’t want to disappoint him. Most of all, I was scared because my father sometimes reminds me of a chameleon. Always shifting and changing his colors. I’ve only ever known one, and I worry sometimes that he’ll take off the cloak, and show me the parts of him that strike fear into the hearts of the men of the outfit.

Those feelings while still valid, are not as strong as they once were before. They faded the minute I became Don. When I finally got what I’ve wanted all this time. What I deserved. It’s also why I can walk with my head held high into our home. He might have had power in the past, but he conceded it all to me.

“Papa,” I call as I walk into the room that has a pool table in the middle of him.

Several of my capos lounge around. Seated, standing in the corners. Their expressions turn hungry as soon as I walk through the door, like they’re desperate to watch me fall. My father’s in the middle, surrounded by them. He gets to his feet as I walk in, brown eyes filled with rage.

“So you’ve finally returned. Where have you been the past few days? I asked your cousin but he refused to tell me. Where he gets his fierce loyalty to you from, I have no idea,” my father states, rage filled eyes landing on my cousin beside me.

Rico doesn’t flinch.

I arch an eyebrow, “It seems to me that a lot of the men in this room could learn a thing or two about loyalty from Rico.”

My father cocks a head to the side, gaze assessing, “You sound proud of yourself, mia cara. Even after the mess you’ve made?”

“I have nothing to be ashamed about.”

“I see,” he says, eyes calculating, looking for a breach in my defenses.

It’s a game I’ve watched him play all my life. I’m a formidable opponent though. Perhaps the one he’ll fail to rile up.

My gaze roams the room for a second. “Everybody out,” I order. “Except my father, my uncle and Rico, everyone get out.”

They don’t make a move. The room is silent as they stare at me. Very slowly, my lips curve into a smile. It’s humorless, cold. I reach into my purse, pulling out a gun.

“Have you all suddenly gone deaf?” I shout. “Get the fuck out. The last man out of here gets a bullet in the skull. Fucking try me, I dare you!”

That gets then into action. They’ve watched me kill too many people not to take my threat seriously. The men shuffle out, one by one until all that’s left in the room is my immediate family. My father watches quietly, emotionlessly, my uncle beside him.

“Now that we’re alone. We can speak. You have a right to anger, Papa. But don’t display that anger in front of the capos. It’s unbecoming,” I state.

Instead of speaking, he lets out a scoff, looking away from me. My uncle speaks up instead.

“We also deserve an explanation, Katerina. What is this news we are hearing? You have a son?” he asks, and I can see in his eyes that he’s more confused than anything else.

So I suck in a deep breath before launching into the story, telling them everything. With each word, my heart grows lighter. So much that I start to wonder why I kept the truth hidden all this while.

By the time I’m done however, my father answers that question for me.

“I’m going to kill that son of a bitch, Sokolov,” he spits.

Alarm pulses through me. “No. You’re not.”

“He tormented you, Katerina. He held you captive. He deserves death. And I will be the one to bestow it upon him. Your uncle and I will go to Moscow.”

It’s sweet that his first thought is revenge on my behalf and not anger. But that is quite possibly the worst idea I’ve ever heard.

“You will do no such thing,” I state. “Nine years and I ensured at great cost that there would be no war and no bloodshed between our families. We will continue to ignore the Sokolov’s.”

His jaw grinds. I’m positive if he had still been Don when the news came out, he would have reveled in a fight, and consequences be damned.

No one says anything else for several seconds. My uncle stares, my father doesn’t look at me.

“Go on,” I say on a sigh. “You must have more to say, Papa. Ask me.”

His lifts his brown eyes, so much like mine to my face.

“Why did you not tell your family about your baby? You kept him hidden for nine years, Katerina. What led you to make that decision?” he finally asks.

“Because I was scared of what your reaction would be, Papa,” I answer honestly. “You ruled our family with an iron fist. And I was worried that fist would come to serve as a blow against me, against my son. So I hid him, I abandoned him, because I thought I was doing the right thing. And because I wanted him to be safe.”

Seconds tick by before he speaks again. “I would have never hurt you or my grandchild. And the fact that you would have thought shows that I failed as a parent.”

And just like that, my heart aches.

“You didn’t fail, Papa. I promise you didn’t. I made mistakes. But you did your best.”

He nods once but his expression is still hard. I wish i could have trusted him then. But even if I had, I would have still hidden Nate. Because if I had returned home with my son, Sokolov would have heard. And he would have come for us without a doubt.

“When do we get to meet him?” my uncle questions. “Your boy.”

I offer them a soft smile. “I can’t give you an answer yet, Zio. But you will. I promise.”

My father huffs out a breath. “Am I allowed to leave now?” he questions.

“Of course, Papa.”

He walks out of the room without a backward glance. My uncle follows but he stops to rest a hand on my shoulder on the way out.

“Your father will come around, mia cara. Just be patient.”

“Thank you, Zio.”

He leaves as well, leaving me and Rico alone.

“What now?” my cousin asks from beside me

“Now, we get revenge.”