20. Xander

Ithink there are three defining moments in my life. When I was five years old and my parents were going through a divorce and soon after my father had a new wife and I had a new brother I was meant to hate but couldn’t figure out why. My mom filled my head with all these ideas of Graham and my step mother before I even met them. She would always tell me that they were sheep and I was a wolf that had to destroy them. When I met Graham though, it didn’t really make sense, because he was just a little boy. A little boy like me. But I was also a little boy and all I knew was my parents weren’t together anymore and his mother was responsible.

The second defining moment was probably the first time I met Katerina. Before her I was just a regular college guy that enjoyed partying hard, indulging in every vice I could manage in order to forget the fact that my home life was shit and I hadn’t seen my mother in years prior to that time. The first time I saw her, I think a part of me knew she was special, because I felt drawn to her in a way I’ve never been drawn to anyone in my life. She probably doesn’t know this. But she saved me in a way. Helped to temper the anger I felt, I managed to find something to wake up for everyday that didn’t involve my family’s expectations and my need to be better in my father’s eyes.

But the most important moment, the one really served as a turning moment was when I went from a 22 year old about to get started on his life. One who had just managed to convince his father to give him autonomy and a chance to find his own way in his family’s company, to someone with a baby and no clue how to raise him. After Nate arrived, everything changed. I had to move back into my family home. My stepmother was instrumental in the change. I’m not sure what I would have done without her. I

I’m a very different man now that I was then. Some would say I matured, but I also think that sometimes life is all about providing opportunities that test who you are as a person. And when you come out on the other side, you’re better from it. A version of yourself that manages to heal you. I didn’t realize until I had my son, just how broken I really was. I thought I was okay but the truth is I was far from it, but my son helped me get better.

And now everything I do is for him. Which is why I can’t want Katerina. Because wanting her is inherently selfish. And when it comes to my son, I can’t be selfish.

Mikalay comes to stand in front of me later that night, peering at my face. I arch an eyebrow before placing the can of beer in my hand on the counter.

“Can I help you?” I ask my sister.

She crosses her arms over her chest and I can tell from the expression on her face that I’m not going to be a fan of what she has to say. Mikayla’s never serious.

“You know I really look up to you right? I mean you and Gray are both my elder brothers but you’re the responsible one,” she states.

I smirk, “I like where this is going, continue.”

“And yet, despite you being the responsible one, you can be such a dumbass sometimes big brother.”

My lips turn down into a frown, “I’m not liking it anymore.”

“You’re in love with her,” Mikayla says bluntly, brown eyes fixed on my face.

My chest tightens. “No, I’m not,” I deny slowly.

“What happened last night?” she questions and I’m about to tell her to mind her damn business when she interjects.

“Come on, Xan. Level with me. If we’re being honest, I’m the only person in our family you can talk to. The only person period, considering you have no friends and no social life.”

I make a face. “Is this an interrogation or you taking a shot at me?”

“It can be both,” she says earnestly. Then her expression turns soft. “Come on. Talk to me.”

I sigh. Nate’s already in bed. Despite the boisterousness of the city below, the house is quiet, serene and soothing. I should have been asleep but considering I have a lot to think about, I decided to stay up and have a can of beer alone. But I guess those plans are out the window.

Plus, Mikayla’s not wrong. She actually is the only person I can talk to.

“We kissed last night,” I finally say. Her eyes start to brighten but my next words effectively turn down her excitement. “It was an accident. And it’s never happening again.”

Mikayla frowns. “Why not?” she asks. “I don’t know if you know this, big brother, but I remember when you were dating her. I was only a teenager but I watched you come home happier for the first time in a long time. Before you even brought her home, I noticed how you would talk to her. It was like you were alive for the first time ever and I loved seeing that.”

My jaw clenches. “I was young and in love, Mikayla, it happens. You would know, considering you’re in love with someone new every other month.”

Her eyes narrow. “Don’t be mean,” she states. “But you’re right. I have issues. I’m constantly seeking approval from men because I need to feel a kind of love that’s completely different from the one my father supposedly showered on me since I was young. A love that feels free, without constraints or bounds.”

I stare at her for a couple of seconds, completely impressed. “How’d you figure that out?”

“My therapist told me,” she says proudly and I snicker.

“Right.”

“The thing is Xander, despite everything, I’m better off. Graham is better off as well, even if he’s too much of an idiot to see how lucky he is. We both have our mother, she stuck by us. I know how hard it’s being for her living with our father for so long but she held out because she loved us. But you didn’t have that growing up, you didn’t have your mother, all you had was dad.”

My fists clench. “This isn’t a therapy session, Mikayla. I don’t need you laying out all my issues.”

“Sure but we need to tackle the root of your issues. The love of your life left you and it hurts. She betrayed you and it fucking hurt. But she’s back now. And I think this is the universe giving you a second chance at happiness.”

That makes me chuckle. “You want me to try for a second chance at happiness? With Katerina Mincetti? Kay, I love you but you’re being na?ve if you think that’s possible. She doesn’t even know what happiness is. She’s like a robot programmed only to feel things like loyalty to her family, honor. We were together for almost a year and she was never able to tell me she loved me. We’re both..” I falter before speaking again. “We’re both messed up, Mikayla. We’re both fucking messed up. And yeah maybe she was my light once, but she left me even worse off than she found me when she left. I might act like I’m okay but that’s because I’ve learnt to suck it up and suck it all in for Nate. I know you mean well, little sister. But I don’t think we should be together. I don’t think we can be together.”

“But you love her,” Mikayla says assertively, eyes daring me to counter her.

“That’s not the fucking point!” I say, my voice rising. “What I feel for her doesn’t matter. We’ll ruin each other. Do you get that? She has the ability to ruin me and I think I could ruin her too. I don’t want to do that. Especially not now when she just got her son back. Do I care about her? Of course, I’ll always fucking care about her. Which is why I know staying away is the best thing for both of us.”

“You’re being delusional,” my sister states. “You and the woman have a child together. From what I gather, you’re letting her back into Nate’s life and yours by extension. Which means she’ll be around. Like it or not, she will be in your life, in your space, in your axis. The two of you kissed yesterday, I’m sure you tried to fight it but you couldn’t. You two can’t simply be friends or whatever idea of relationship you have in your mind, Xander. It’s not going to work out.”

“I’m going to fucking try to make it work out,” I grit out.

My sister lets out a soft sigh. “Just think about everything I’ve said, big brother. Ruminate on my wonderful words of advice. I’ve been told that they can be life changing.”

I roll my eyes at the sudden change in her tone. She steps towards me, rising to her toes to kiss my cheek.

“Dad has asked me to return to the hotel we’re staying at tomorrow. We’re sticking around in New York but of course he needs to make sure my leash is tighter now that we’re here,” she mutters. Before she leaves she fixes me with another hard look. “You have a chance to break the cycle, Xan, take it. And yeah, I know she’s Katerina Mincetti. But you’re Alexander Steele and you’re exactly the kind of man a woman like her needs. You’re also a certified genius when it comes to computers. You can change her programming.”

With those words, she walks out, leaving me with a head even more jumbled than when she walked in. I groan softly under my breath, wondering why life has to fucking suck.

Unfortunately,things aren’t much better the next day. In fact my day starts out pretty horribly because I get a phone call from an unfamiliar number starting with the country code for France. My stomach practically sink to its depths at the sight. I don’t know anyone in France. But I do know someone who could be there. My worst thoughts were confirmed to be true when I pick up the call.

“Alexnader,” she says, voice feminine with a Southern lilt and a sharp cadence.

I should have picked up the damn call.

“Mother,” I grumble. “Fancy hearing from you today. Did the sun rise up from the West over in whatever city you’ve undoubtedly found yourself in this time around?”

“Cut the sass. I’m in Paris. And you’re in trouble,” she snaps. “I just heard about everything that’s going on. Apparently the entire country knows about your son’s parentage.”

The way she says it, like it’s something slimy and wrong gets on my nerve. Thankfully, it’s not the last one.

“Yes. A story was released that Katerina Mincetti is Nate’s mother.”

She gasps, voice filled with horror. “Oh my God. So everyone knows his mother is a criminal?”

“Mother,” I grit out.

“What? She is, isn’t she? I don’t know much about the Italian mafia but they’re horrible people. The worst of the worst.”

I don’t say what I really want to. Which is that they’re probably better people than her. Hell, if there’s one thing Katerina’s thought me about the outfit, it’s that they value family more than anything else. Maybe not always in the healthiest of ways, but regardless. I’m sure mothers don’t call their sons for the first time in over a year just to berate them and be judgmental.

“Is there a point to this phone call?” I ask boredly.

“Yes. What did your father say?”

“He kicked me out of the company,” I tell her. Technically, I left on my own but I know my words will evoke some fear in her heart.

“What?!” my mother screams in my ear. “He can’t do that! You’re his first born son, Alexander. You’re supposed to inherit everything. It’s all yours and I’m not going to stand by and watch as that dick gives everything to that woman and her bastard son.”

My jaw tightens. “Don’t talk about them that way.”

I might want to pummel Graham’s face currently but one thing I’ve realized as I grew older was that my mother’s treatment of him and Isabella was completely unwarranted. Dad was the problem. The onus of it all.

“You know it’s true. And I can’t believe you could have been so stupid. I said it. When I found out about that son of yours I knew he would come to pose problems for you in the future. Why you decided to raise him, I’ll never understand. You should have found that woman and given him back!”

And there goes my last fucking nerve.

“I’m hanging up now. Don’t contact me in the nearest foreseeable. Maybe if I’m lucky, next time it’ll be on your death bed.”

The words are cold and callous but if there’s someone that brings out the worst in me, it’s her. And she fucking deserves it.

“Wait,” she says quickly. “Unfortunately you’ll be seeing me much sooner than you’ll be hearing that I’m on my death bed.”

My eyebrows climb. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m coming back, Alexander. It’s clear I need to fix this mess on my own and I know just the thing. It’s time you got married to a wonderful, respectable woman that your father will approve of. Maybe then we can appease his anger and everything will go back to normal.”

Anger pulses in my gut. But I manage to keep my cool. Nate’s awake and playing in the game room. I’d rather he didn’t hear any of this.

“You want to appease the man you solely refer to as a dick?” I say dryly.

“Yes and like I said I know just what to do. When I return, I’ll find you an acceptable wife.”

“I don’t give a fuck what you do, mother. But leave me the hell out of it. And I’ll die before I find anything you do acceptable.”

Before she can say anything else, I’m hanging up. I run an agitated hand through my hair. I know without a doubt she’s being serious and that she’ll be returning. The problem is, while a part of me loathes her for staying away, the other part would very much like it if she never returned.

Because if there’s one thing Jessica Steele brings along with her everywhere she goes, its pain and suffering for everyone else around her.

Nate comes into the living room a few minutes later and I have to school my features into a feigned calm. When he smiles at me, I feel something loosen in my chest, glad that despite everything else he’s the one good thing I’ve got.

“Hey, buddy,” I say. “What’s up?”

He looks a little nervous. “Dad, I wanted to ask...”

“Go on,” I prompt encouragingly.

“Can you ask Katerina when she’ll be coming? She said she would return in two days.”

I smile warmly, reaching up to ruffle his head.

“Of course. So you like her, huh?”

He shrugs, “She’s my mom.”

And the simplicity of that statement causes my heart to ache. She is his mom. Its blood and it should be able to transcend everything else, but sometimes it doesn’t.

“Well good, because I like her too.”

His eyes brighten. “You do?”

“Sure, sport. I do.”

“So, she’s your friend?”

I nod. And he grins.

“Thank you for being friends with her, dad. I thought about it and if you didn’t like her then maybe I shouldn’t have liked her either.”

Well fuck. I didn’t even think about how my actions could affect his perception of Katerina.

“You can like her, Nate. No matter what.”

He nods and after making sure that I’ll make the call, he leaves to go back to playing. One thing the conversation with Nate proves is that I can’t afford to fuck things up with Katerina. I heard what my sister said. And maybe a part of me knows that she’s right. But everything is so fragile right now and I stand by the fact that I can’t afford for anything to break.

Later that night, I’m on the phone with her. Mostly to ask when she’ll be able to see her son. But also to see just how normal we can actually be.

“I’ll be busy tomorrow but I’ll come the day after. Maybe late evening. I can have dinner with you guys before returning home.”

“You could always stay over,” I suggest, lying face up on my bed and trying to ignore the way even the sound of her voice has an effect on me.

“I could but I’m trying to establish boundaries,” Katerina states. “We are still trying to be friends, right?”

I clear my throat. “Right,” I agree. “Good call.”

Who knows what I might do with the knowledge that she’s right downstairs in a room not too far from me. She’s absolutely right. Staying overnight would be a bad idea.

She doesn’t speak for a couple of seconds.

“I really do want to go back to how it was before, Xander. You weren’t just my boyfriend back then, you were my best friend. I want that more than anything. Scratch that, I need that. I need you.”

Her voice is soft, vulnerable. In a way I know she never is with anyone else.

“I kind of need you too, princess,” I admit, feeling my pulse start to race.

But there’s also the fact that while I may have been her best friend then, I think I was only able to exist as that because I was her boyfriend. I don’t point that out though.

“Okay. So no more awkwardness. It’s just me and you.”

“Yeah, I know,” I say clearing my throat. “How are things with your family?”

She lets out a soft groan before telling me about the situation in her home. And I listen, careful not to interrupt, lest she stop. Because it’s suddenly hitting me that now that all the cards are out in the open, all the secrets are out, it’s possible for us to build a better relationship that the one we had before.