23. Mazituz

TWENTY-THREE

Ipush the boulder in front of the passage that leads to the outside world once she has walked away. My heart, I swear, stops beating altogether, and the blood in my veins feels like ice.

Then I stare at it for a long time, trying to make my brain come to terms with the fact that she is truly gone. Everything in me feels numb like I can't quite convince myself any of this is true.

"Good-bye, Camille," I finally whisper. Then I stumble back, turning to drudge away.

Every step further from the passage I allowed her to take without me physically aches as reality settles on me like a heavy blanket. To ease the pain, I cling desperately to the idea that this is my duty, reminding myself that I'm doing this for her and her safety. Still, each step threatens to plunge me back into the unfathomable abyss that was once my solitary life.

Yet I press on like I always have, steeling myself to keep walking. Sheer will alone propels my traitorous legs.

I think I need her and it terrifies me.

The one from above with the golden hair and blue eyes.

A shining beacon. My other half.

And I let her go?

Twin streams of saline burn relentlessly as acid, evidence of a profound shift irreversible within the armored core I once believed impregnable. I reel beneath the onslaught of emotions. Nothing prepared me for the cruel accuracy of this invisible blade.

The curse of my longing spreads to my legs and torso, and for the first time in my life, everything feels absolutely hopeless. "Will this be my permanent state without her?" I ponder out loud.

I cannot live like this. Yet here I stand, paralyzed, consumed by a raging inferno of emotions that I fear will only be quelled by her.

Fury spreads as I navigate this labyrinth of emotions, my heart torn between duty and desire. I stand, a monolith of indecision, eyes tightly shut against the swelling tide of renewed emotions. Inevitably, my thoughts spiral, speculating on the state of my beloved ruthlessly thrust back to the indifferent surface.

I picture her wandering aimlessly through the unwelcoming world above. I picture her struggling, forming new traumas over her old traumas, her bright spirit dimmed prematurely behind ashen clouds.

"No. You're being impossible," I tell myself. "She always wanted to go back. You're the one who wouldn't allow it. This is good for her. She'll be happy up there."

For a moment, I've convinced myself it's true. I'm willing to keep suffering if it's for her own good. I take a step, determined to walk away for real this time.

I don't know how long I walk aimlessly through the dark underground tunnels. I don't think it's a significant amount of time, but it's hard to say. I'm so lost in my own dark thoughts that external issues such as time lose all meaning.

"What do I do now?" I really don't know. Do I go back to my lair and clean up the wreckage of my life? I don't think I could bear it, and it will only be a steady reminder of everything I've lost today.

For a moment, I contemplate hunting down the Narovu that tried to threaten Camille. I could kill them for what they've cost me, and I don't think I'd have a single regret if I did.

But in my depressed state, even that sounds like a lot of effort, and it wouldn't bring her back anyway. She's gone, and nothing seems to make any sense or matter anymore.

I could just as easily sit here until I starve to death. Does it make any difference without Camille by my side?

Before I know it, I somehow turn myself around and end up back at the boulder where I said good-bye to Camille. I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, but it seems my traitorous legs have a mind of their own.

That's when I hear it. A shout, followed by a convulsive gasp from Camille. Her broken sob reaches my earshot. For a moment, I wonder if it's a delusion, if I'm so desperate to believe it that my mind has conjured the sound out of thin air.

Disbelieving, I turn desperately toward that heartsick echo. "Camille?" I call, already shoving the boulder out of my way. Now I'm certain I hear her, clawing frantically on the other side of the rock wall.

As soon as the rock has moved far enough, she comes bursting through the sliver of an opening. She moves so fast that I barely even process her return before she's already launching herself at me, her thin arms wrapping around me as her forehead presses against my chest. Deep, gasping sobs tear from her lungs.

"Shh. It's all right, Camille," I soothe, smoothing one hand over her blonde hair as the other holds her tightly against me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never should have let you go."