22. Camille

TWENTY-TWO

Istare at him, completely frozen, my mind reeling from his unexpected declaration. Surely, I've heard him wrong. Surely, he doesn't mean that.

Why would he want me to leave? He spent so long insisting that I stay. Finally, he"s got me convinced that I"m better off here than up on the surface. All that, just to throw me out now?

Things have been going so well between us. Just this morning, we were having the time of our lives, and this past week has been one of the best I've ever had.

I'm lost for words, confusion clouding my brain. All I've wanted over the past few weeks, for most of my life, really, is freedom. And yet, here he is, giving me just that, and for some reason, I can't remember why I wanted it so badly.

My heart feels like it's being squeezed, and I can't breathe. This is not how I expected to react if this situation ever arose. I certainly didn't think I'd be giving it a second thought.

He won't even look at me, instead staring past me, into the tunnel leading back to my old world. His expression is cold, a look I've never seen him wear before.

"Mazituz…" I trail off. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you are free to go. If you walk through here, you will find yourself above ground."

"I don't understand." My voice trembles. He sighs, finally looking at me.

"I thought this was what you wanted."

So did I, but what is with his sudden shift in attitude? Why is he pushing me away? Did this all mean nothing to him? I look past him, to the world I thought I longed for, shaking my head.

"What if I changed my mind?" I ask him.

He looks me dead in the eyes, his expression hardening more than I thought possible.

"You don't belong here. You are not safe here. I won't allow my problems to taint your life. You deserve much more than this."

"Who are you to decide that? This is my life."

"Yes, and just a week ago you wanted out of this. You tried to run, and now I'm letting you. Why are you now resisting?"

"Because this doesn't make any sense. I thought you wanted me here." My voice breaks.

"Your safety is more important than my desire to keep you."

"So you do want me here?"

"Not anymore. Not since it threatened your well-being."

"You never cared before," I protest. "When I begged you to let me go, when I fought this, you didn't care. You forced me."

"And I was wrong for that. I apologize for doing that to you. I should have known better."

"Did I do something?" I ask, tears beginning to flow.

"No. This isn't about you."

"It is about me. You're not thinking clearly."

"I disagree. In fact, I think this is the first time I've actually thought clearly since I met you. Trust me, this is the right thing to do."

I stare at him in disbelief. How can he say that? How can he blatantly reject me like this?

"Please, tell me what I did, and I can fix it. I know there's something, no one just changes their mind this quickly."

"I told you, it isn't anything you did. Don't you see? My lair was trashed, Camille. Do you know what that means? You are not welcome down here. The other Narovu don't approve of this and for a good reason. You. Don't. Belong."

His words echo in my brain, and for a second I start to believe them. For a moment, I begin to wonder if I'm being delusional. If my desire for him is clouding my judgment. Maybe he's right. Maybe I really don't belong.

I let my gaze trail away from him and past the rock wall, staring for what feels like an eternity. After a while, I realize something.

"You're scared, aren't you?" I ask.

"What could I possibly have to be scared about?"

"This, us. I think you're scared because things started getting real. I think that deep down, you don't think you deserve the happiness that will follow if we are together."

"You're wrong. I have never lived my life in fear, and I never will."

"Since when did you start lying to me?"

"Camille, what do I have to say to you to make you understand? You have to go. Our bond cannot be. Not unless you decide to commit to this in a way that I know for a fact you're unprepared for."

"Commit how?" I ask, intrigued.

"Mates," he simply states as if that tells me all I need to know.

"Explain."

"If you and I were to become mates, things would be different. No one down here could say a thing against you."

"So why can't we do that?"

"Because, Camille. My kind mates for life. It's an eternal bond that cannot be broken. You would be chained to me forever. You are not ready for that kind of commitment."

"Is it me that isn't ready or you?"

"Now it's my turn to say that you are not thinking clearly. I can sense your yearning for the sunlit world that you are used to. You do not want to spend your life in my cavernous realm."

"Why do you keep telling me what I do and don't want?"

"Think about it. And I mean really, truly think about it. You know in your heart what I'm saying is true."

I do as he says, mulling it over. Mates. I grapple with the concept and the permanence it signifies within Mazituz's world.

The idea is a stark contrast to the fleeting connections of my past. And yet, I realize what he is trying to tell me. I will never see my beautiful sun again. Mazituz and I will never enjoy a day together on the beach, a day outdoors.

I feel trapped between my longing for him and my longing for freedom. It's an impossible choice.

I remind myself what happened the last time I left him. How fast it turned into my worst nightmare. What if I leave and something like that happens again?

I take a step toward him, my defiance winning over. But he steps back, avoiding eye contact.

My heart sinks. He really doesn't want this. He doesn't want to be my mate, otherwise, he would have asked me before this.

I turn to the passage, walking into the doorway before stopping and facing him. Despite my realization, I can't help but hesitate. His sigh echoes throughout the tunnel, reminding me once again that he doesn't feel the same way as me.

"Seek the light. Live your life, Camille."

He gestures behind me, beckoning me onward, still refusing to look at my face. I slowly walk backward, fear coursing through me as he closes the rock wall. His silhouette slowly disappears, swallowed by darkness as the rock falls shut with a soft thud.

Each step he takes feels like a punch to my stomach, his footsteps slowly receding until they become nonexistent. He's really gone, and I'm really free. But only one word sounds in my mind.

Alone.

Tears stream down my face faster than I can wipe them away, and soon enough I stop trying. All I can do is keep walking and hope that the pain lessens as I get farther from him.

I force myself to put one foot in front of the other, trying to control my sobs. This is the right thing to do. I will move forward, and I won't look back. This is what I've always wanted, and now I have it.

I'll find a nice village to live in, a nice shop to work at, and a small home to call mine. I will be happy. My life will be full. My heart will repair itself from this loss, and I will find a new connection with one of my kind. All will be well.

I repeat this over and over in my head until it sounds less like the truth and more like what I'm trying to convince myself the truth is. My steps slow just as I'm about to reach what appears to be the end of the tunnel – the end of this life and the beginning of my new one.

I reach my hand up to pull myself up and out to the surface, but despite the sunlight peeking through the cracks, I can't make myself do it. Instead, I find myself looking back, despite my earlier declaration that I wouldn't.

Mazituz's crystal blue eyes flash in my mind. Memories of his booming laugh remind me of the good times we shared. The bond we formed. The life I was just starting to get used to.

I close my eyes, recalling the feel of his lips on mine. His tongue on my skin. How amazing it felt when he was inside me. The emotions he coaxed out of me that I didn't even know were possible.

My hand drops fully, and I propel myself forward, but not in the direction of what I once knew. Instead, I head toward what I've come to know. What I've grown to love.

I run back to the cave wall, screaming out as loud as I can.

"Mazituz!" I sob. "Please, come back!"

I let myself fall to the ground, knowing it's too late. He's already gone. Not only do I have no way of getting back to him, but he doesn't even want me to. He left me.

"Please!" I wail, over and over again.

My cries fill the air, and my fists pound on the unyielding stone. This is useless, but I can't make myself stop.

"I love you," I croak out, my voice already raw from my cries. "I love you so much."

My whispered confessions go unanswered as I truly am all alone in this cavern.

This is all my fault. I should have realized earlier on that this life with Mazituz is what I really wanted all along. I don't need the sun or a partner to lay on the beach with.

I just need him.