27. Jude

TWENTY-SEVEN

JUDE

I 'd been a kid when I'd met Mira. We fell in love as teenagers and learned about life together, grew up side by side into the adults we eventually became.

But what Brooke and I had was different—a friendship forged from the broken shards left in the wake of death and sickness. Funny that, in marriage, people promised to be together in sickness and in health, but it was the people who never promised me anything who showed up for me after that. Who picked me up when I needed it. Brooke was one of those people.

I hoped I was one of those people for her too.

We both had pasts. We had dents and flaws from lives that had, at times, been well-lived and, at others, brutally unfair. But we'd survived all that life had thrown at us, and didn't we deserve to be happy in the end?

Didn't we deserve to enjoy our peace?

Sitting next to Brooke as she'd suggested we take some time to slow down had felt like I'd been forced to swallow cough medicine. Or eat that godforsaken kale she told me was "actually really good." Sure, it was good for me, would make me better, but that didn't mean I wanted it. Didn't mean I liked it.

I respected and admired her protective instincts that drove her to make a sacrifice for Sebastian's and Amelia's well-being—hell, I loved it. Because that was what made Brooke so perfect for me. She understood what it meant to be a parent.

But on the other hand…fuck that.

I'd been living a brittle existence for years, surviving but not thriving. Brooke had sprinkled some Miracle-Gro on me, and I flourished under her sunshine. And now, she wanted to go and do the noble thing? She wanted to force me to cut us off at the roots?

No.

No.

No.

And yet…

"Daddy!"

I spun around from where I stood in the road, the brake lights of Brooke's truck long gone, and caught Amelia when she ran to me. "It's getting close to bedtime. You ready for a bath?"

"No. I want to take a shower."

"Yeah?" I closed and locked the front door then put her down. "You took a shower last night and basically wasted all the hot water."

"I-I won't waste water." She folded her hands together and stuck out her bottom lip. "I swear."

"You swear?" I laid a smacking kiss on her cheek. "You swear?"

She squealed. "I swear!"

"Okay. Shower it is." While she skipped into her bedroom to dig through her pajama drawer for the ones she wanted, I turned on the shower for the water to warm up then sat on the toilet while she showered because she still needed help. I needed to make sure she washed everything, including her "pagina."

"Daddy! Are you out there?"

"Yes," I droned, typing out a text to the boys to fill them in on what had happened today.

"Can you open the-the shampoo for me?"

"Yeah." I flicked the cap open for her and squirted some into her palm, waiting until she washed that out since she'd need help with the conditioner too. It took eight more minutes and a dozen reminders on my part, but she finished up, leaving enough hot water for her brother. I wrapped her up in her towel and pointed her to her bedroom, so I could talk to Seb.

"Hey."

He ignored me, his focus on the Switch in his hands.

"Sebastian. Put it away. Time to get ready for bed."

He set it down and rolled off his mattress, still not speaking to me.

"How long are you going to give me the silent treatment?"

"How long are you going to let her sleep in your bed?" he shot back, and I briefly wondered if some of his anger sprouted from the idea that he wouldn't be able to sleep in my bed anymore if Brooke was in it.

"Actually," I started, setting my elbow on the top of his dresser when he closed the drawer, "she said it would be better if we didn't see each other right now." I didn't want to make him feel bad, but I also kind of did.

How shitty of a parent did that make me?

That I wanted to force him to acknowledge what I had given up and continued to give up for him?

He froze, only for a moment, probably expecting a fight. He wanted an outlet for his pain. I understood that.

Then he turned his chin up to me. "Good."

"Good? You're happy that Brooke and I aren't going to be together? "

"Yeah. You married Mom. And you told me?—"

"I told you nothing would change the love you had for her. Because Brooke doesn't want to take the place of your mom. But she loves you too. She wants to be there for you, be your friend. And I don't know why, all of a sudden, you supposedly hate her. You always liked Brooke."

He grumbled something I didn't quite catch, but I received the message anyway. He hated her now that I wanted to be with her.

I didn't have the energy to keep this conversation up. Especially when he wouldn't listen. He wanted to be mad, so I'd let him. "I love you, Sebastian, and you won't understand until you're older, but it's possible to love lots of people in lots of different ways. No one is replacing your mother."

I left it at that and trudged out of his room, fatigue weighing each of my limbs down. I flopped onto Lulu's bed, rearranging the hundreds of stuffies to get comfortable while she took three times longer than it would take a sloth to get dressed. I combed her hair and reminded her to brush her teeth, which she could do completely independently. So I stayed in her room while she went to the bathroom. I heard Sebastian in the shower and Amelia's squeaky voice say, "Brother, listen to me. I'm-I'm good at math. One hundred plus one hundred is two hundred and, and, and… If you make it to a million, there's no more numbers."

"Yes, there are," he told her. "Numbers go to infinity."

"Infifty?"

"Infinity!"

"Oooh, infinity. Yeah. What's that?"

"It goes on forever."

Little did he know, he'd just defined what Brooke and I had promised to each other tonight. Best friends for infinity.

Next morning…

Brooke

How did last night go?

Seb ended up in my bed in the middle of the night.

I'm pretty sure he feels bad but doesn't know what to say.

Me either.

Brooke

You'll get there.

Friday…

The only time the family therapist could fit us in is for Saturdays. I won't be at the market for the next few weeks.

Brooke

I guess I'll have to give all the squash I was saving for you to someone else.

Damn. What a shame.

Brooke

I'm sure you're devastated.

Very.

Saturday…

Brooke

Saw your parents today at the market. They couldn't figure out your POS system.

Brooke

I gave them your squash.

Brooke

I love them. They're so sweet.

Brooke

Hope therapy went okay.

Sorry, I'm just seeing this now. I took the kids to a movie after our appointment.

I actually don't know how it went. We started chatting with the three of us, and then she asked to talk to the kids alone. Nobody cried. Lulu said she played with the train set.

Brooke

That's good, I guess…?

Yeah. I guess.

I feel like I'm grasping at straws here.

And I'm looking at the report from this morning now. I don't know what my parents did, but they didn't put in any of the sales.

Brooke

I'm pretty sure at one point, they started taking cash and giving out freebies with every sale.

Great.

Days later…

This is stupid.

I'm going to drop the kids off with my parents and come over.

I want to see you.

Brooke

I'm not even home.

Brooke

I'm in Philly helping Sabrina and Everett move in to their house.

Brooke

She texted me this morning that they needed help.

Brooke

But even if I were home, what would you tell Seb?

That I miss you. That's what I would tell him.

Brooke

I know, babe. I miss you too.

A week later…

Brooke

Don't panic. I'm fine.

No one in the history of ever has NOT panicked when someone says not to panic.

Brooke

I'm in the hospital.

I'm panicked. What happened?

Brooke

A little mishap on the farm. Gunner's with me. I'm getting checked out to make sure my ankle isn't broken.

I'm coming. I need to drop the kids off, and then I'll be there.

Brooke

No. It's fine. You don't need to come.

Don't tell me that.

I called Brooke, and she picked up immediately. "Don't tell me you're in the hospital and then not to come."

"I'm fine, really."

"And I really don't give a shit."

"Oooh, Daddy, you said?—"

I covered Amelia's mouth with my palm so she couldn't repeat the curse, and Brooke's breathy laugh in my ear hit me at the same time a kid hit the ball out toward third base.

"Where are you?" Brooke asked, and I placed my elbows on my knees, holding my cell phone closer to my mouth as if that would help block out the sound.

As if I didn't already know what she would say when I told her, "Sebastian's baseball game. It's his last one for the summer."

"You definitely can't come."

"Br—"

"No. I'm fine. Really. Gunner's here with me, and as soon as I talk to the doctor, I'll text you."

"I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

Hours later…

Brooke

Only a sprain. I have to stay off it as much as I can for two weeks, and I got a nice-looking little bootie to wear.

Thank god it's not broken.

Brooke

No, but I'm not happy about not being able to be on the farm right in the middle of a big harvest.

I could help.

Brooke

Please don't offer something you can't follow through on.

I called her once again. This time at home in my bedroom so I was alone with the quiet and I could hear the waver in her voice when she picked up, saying, "I know this is hard. But, please… You'll make it harder for me. You'll come over and take care of me, and I won't want you to go. I'll say something and you'll give in, and we'll be back where we started. So, please, don't come over."

I took my frustration out on my pillows, punching and folding them behind my head. "Then at least talk to me."

She sniffled, and my heart ached so much I had to turn on my side to relieve some of the pressure. "Who did this to you? Tell me what vegetable patch I need to take out."

She laughed so sweetly my eyes burned with a need to see her for myself. Make sure she was okay. "It was the sweet potatoes. Tripped over a box and twisted my ankle in a ditch."

"Send me a picture. I need to see what your ankle looks like."

The photo came through a few seconds later, her ankle purple and angry .

"I'm gonna kill every last one of those sweet potatoes."

"My hero."

Two weeks later…

How's the ankle feeling?

Brooke

Good. I'm actually going to go out on the farm today.

Brooke

I hope the kids have a good first day of school. Take pictures so I can see Amelia getting on the bus.

I will.

How about I come over? I can help you. Since the kids are gone all day.

Brooke

Please don't. I have a lot of stuff I need to get done today.

Brooke

And please don't call me right now. I won't have the energy to refuse you. And I don't want you unless I can have you.

Brooke

I love you.

I know. I love you too.