CHAPTER THIRTY

Renn

Istare at the door longer than I care to admit, and it takes all I have left in me to venture back outside to retrieve Locke's body. It's nothing short of horrific, pulling Colin's literal dead weight across the slick ground. I haul it to a spot I deem far enough and check his pockets for anything useful—in which I discover a communication device that will hopefully help me find more info on how he found me and what he's been up to. I bring the rest of the liquid termite and pour it over him. His clothes and flesh dissolve away even more so in the rain; the remnants of his skin and bones soak into the ground, washing away. I hold it in for as long as I can, but I finally vomit behind a tree, taking a good long while before I trek back through slushy mud to the house.

I don't bother to remove my clothes as I step into the shower, tracking in even more mud throughout the house, but I don't have the slightest desire to care. Eventually, I pull my soaked clothes off my body, letting them splat onto the floor. I watch the river of blood and mud flow into the drain, slipping away like the terrible night never happened. I don't know how long I stand underneath the shower head, but it's long enough that the water starts to turn cold.

Shy is lying on the bed when I walk up into the loft, whining sadly when she sees me. I rub her ears gently before slipping on some dry clothes, then lie down on top of the bed, letting my legs hang off the side. The exhaustion overpowers all my other senses as I fall asleep quickly, only to be riddled with dreams of Maven's screams echoing through the forest. A new nightmare of torture that makes me wish I would have made Colin's suffering last longer for what he did to her.

When I wake the next morning, my limbs are aching in places I forgot I had muscle, and I don't feel rested in the faintest. Shy, on the other hand, acts like it's any other morning, and I envy her immensely.

I need to leave this place. This beautiful place in the universe that turned into a haven the moment Maven stepped into my life. A painful twinge sparks in my chest. The last twelve hours have been nothing short of chaos, but what I can't get over was how Maven responded to everything. After all the things I confessed to her, after everything she had seen, she was most concerned about me. If I thought I was unworthy of her before, it was an understatement now.

I notice as I sit up that there is actual daylight streaming in through the windows. The storm has finally passed, but I still feel it to some degree raging in my heart. The light is welcomed, but it reveals just how much mud I dragged throughout the house. It also reveals all the blood, which I know is mostly my own, but seeing it in the light of day makes it seem real. I pull up my shirt to check the wound, and it has healed, but the skin is still tender, and I know it will scar. The one on my arm is completely gone.

"Well, this will be quite an exciting day, won"t it?" I say to Shy as she jumps off the bed, heading down the stairs like she's done hundreds of times. I want to simply revert back to the way things were just a day ago. But things will never be the same.

Maven has already experienced enough heartache and trauma in her life, and now this mess is piled on top of it. I reluctantly gather up rags, fill a bucket with warm water, and start scrubbing the hardwood floor. After my hands are worn raw, the floors are finally clean. There's one spot near the stairs that is still slightly darker, but what does it matter? It's not like I'm going to be around to see it. I move on to the next task at hand.

While I have Locke's comm device, I'm not so sure if I should try to use it. I worry it may have some kind of tracker that if activated would cause someone else to come looking. But his ship has to be somewhere close, and right now, it's the only way I'll be able to get off this planet. Once I do locate it, it may take me a few days to deactivate the location tracking. My plan is simple enough, but even as I set out to find the vessel, I still feel that pull to her, like I'm a satellite caught in orbit, and the only way to free myself would be to shatter completely, letting pieces of my heart scatter into space.

I don't bother checking the time before I make the decision to drive to her house. I found Locke's ship relatively easily. It was well hidden, about three miles into the forest, but Locke and I were both trained at the academy, so I knew what to look for.

The rain has stopped, but it doesn't keep the air from being icy. Even with my jacket and beanie, it's so frigid that I'm surprised there's still no snow. My breath fogs around me as I walk out the door to my motorbike.

I'll get back to Locke's ship eventually. It's in rough shape, and as I looked through his supplies, I found he was low in almost everything—fuel, food. It didn't seem to be a stable conquest. It caused me to wonder if he may have been on a solo mission, giving me a little spark of hope that perhaps his plans were spoiled in my absence. That was the dream, the whole reason I did what I did in the first place. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that it could've all been for nothing. I climb onto my bike full of dread, second guessing if I should take the truck instead, but this is probably the last time I'll ever be able to ride it.

I always thought that dying in the void of space, starving slowly and alone, had been the lowest moment of my life, but the thought of Maven no longer being a part of it . . . there are no words; it feels just as it had in those dark moments in the abyss. It feels like dying, but I need to see her one last time. I'm already miserable, so why not punish myself more? I don't see a soul as I speed through the dark gray, blacks, and greens of the freshly drenched forest, the roadway shiny and reflective as it whirls past me.

My heart relaxes a bit when I see Tasha's car in the driveway. At least Maven hasn't been here alone. I softly rap on the door and hold my breath, hearing the floorboards creak on the other side.

"Renn!" Tasha's wide eyes tell me enough as she opens the door and steps outside, closing it softly behind her. "Well, you're certainly very brave to show up here." Her face is a mixture of sadness and something else I can't place. I've never seen her look at me the way she is now, but I might call it anger. "She's asleep, by the way. But even if she wasn't, I don"t think she's ready to talk to you."

I nod, biting my lip as I stare at my shoes. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to talk to me either if I were in her place right now."

Tasha glares at me—actually glares at me. It shocks me, but I deserve it, so I say nothing. "Renn, what the hell happened?"

I clear my throat. "What did she tell you?"

She narrows her gaze on me. "Not much. Only that you two got into a fight and she still won't tell me anything more. However . . . I know it was more than just a fight." Her glare intensifies. "So, are you going to tell me what really happened?"

I'm rendered speechless for a few beats. "It's complicated."

Tasha's eyebrows furrow as she crosses her arms in front of her. "Really?"

I sigh heavily. This is going so much worse than I thought. I shouldn't have come. Not only was I losing Maven, but so many friendships. I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

She scoffs. "That's what Maven said too."

"It's not my call. Maven can tell you as much or as little as she wants to when she's ready."

She shakes her head, and there's nothing short of disappointment on her face. "I don't even know what to say. I thought you were going to be good for her." Her words feel like a slap in the face, but I completely deserve them.

"Look, I'm sorry. More sorry than I could ever convey. I just came to say goodbye."

"You're leaving Solitude Ridge?" she says, eyes going wide. I nod slowly. "This will truly break her. You know that, right?"

I want to tell her that this is exactly why I didn't want to get close to Maven in the first place, that she is the only one who could ever truly break me, and now my worst fear has come to life. "I never wanted to hurt her, but this is for the best. It's better if she hates me."

Tash shakes her head again, and she gives me a sad smile. "Oh, Renn. Can't you see why this is a problem? She doesn't hate you at all. That's why it hurts so much."

And God, I know she speaks the truth. Why couldn't Maven just hate me? Why couldn't she have just ran? There was empathy and kindness in Mave's face where I expected fear and hate. I gulp, tears burning my eyes. I run a hand over my face, blowing out a frustrated sigh.

"Can you just tell her I came by? I'll be gone the day after tomorrow."

She looks down, pursing her lips for a moment. "Yeah. I'll let her know."

"Thank you."

Tash moves toward the door and steps inside. For a moment, I think she isn't going to say anything at all, but she turns back toward me, her eyes now shining with tears.

"Goodbye, Renn."

I part my lips to say something, but she closes the door before I have a chance to say goodbye back.

I swing the ax again and again—sweat trickling down my neck and back, but I welcome the sensation on my skin as the cold air kisses it lightly. Maven will need a good supply for the winter. Plus, I need a distraction to buy me time. In a couple of hours, I will be off this planet. I'll drop off the firewood, then make a last stop at Grant's; I'm hoping he will agree to take Shy. As much as I want to take her with me, there's no way of knowing how her body will react, and then there's the question of if something happens to me, what would happen to her?

It takes years for a human body to acclimate to the changing of atmospheres. It was a big reason The Space Academy accepted students so young, so that we could be adjusted for space travel. Because it's been some time since my last ascent, it may not be pleasant, but I'll adjust eventually.

Just as I'm about to swing the ax down again, something catches in the corner of my eye.

"Hey."

Maven. Her voice is soft. My breath catches in my chest at the sight of her. For a moment, I think maybe I'm imagining it, but she's really standing here in front of me. She has on a dark green sweater that makes her midnight hair look even darker, paired with black leggings and boots. The cold air gives her cheeks a pink hue, and those eyes are as blue as ever. She's a vision, standing against the evergreen trees, and it's killing me. I just want to run to her, pick her up in my arms, and kiss her over and over again.

"Hey," I finally say back, setting the ax down softly against a tree.

She smiles for a second before letting her face go serious again. "Tash told me you stopped by. She's not happy with you, by the way."

I appreciate her trying to make light of the situation; it helps a little.

"Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen Tasha mad before. It was strange."

She smiles faintly then bites her lip for a moment before saying, "I didn't tell her anything."

I exhale deeply, my breath fogging around me as I take a step away from the pile of wood, flexing the stiffness out of my fingers. She watches my every move intently. "I don't want you to feel like you can't tell her anything, or your mom, for that matter."

She crosses her arms in front of her, shrugging. "It's not my secret to tell." Her breath fogs around her too as she speaks.

"I"ll be gone soon anyway, so it won't matter." Her body jumps slightly at the harsh words. She gazes at me intensely, eyes blazing. I don't want to say these words, but I have to.

"Then answer me this, Renn." She takes a few steps closer while my feet stay rooted to the ground. "If it doesn't matter . . . why did you come to say goodbye?"

She waits patiently for my response, and I know my answer won't satisfy her no matter how I phrase it. "I had to make sure you were okay before I left."

She scoffs at me in annoyance, clearly seeing right through me like she has since I met her. "So after all that's happened, you still think you need to protect me?" I say nothing as her stare continues to burn into me. "You don't think I'm strong enough to handle this," she adds in a whisper. Her words hammer into me with how untrue her statement is.

"Mave, it's not that. You are strong in ways that most people couldn't comprehend. It's about your life being in danger because of me. There could be more who come for me, and if they know about you, that puts you in danger." Her throat thrums, but she keeps her gaze steady on me; she's not making this any easier. "Do you understand now why I did what I did, why I tried to stay away?" I ask.

She stares at me for a moment, her eyes glassy. "That's the thing, Renn . . . you didn't stay away, you kept coming back." Her voice falters.

I inhale a shaky breath, rubbing a hand over my face, trying to do anything to distract me from the heavy weight in my chest.

"Maybe, in another world, it could have worked, but I have to pay the price for my mistakes, and I won't drag you under with me. You shouldn't suffer because of me," I say.

She sighs deeply, her strong exterior cracking more and more. "Why can't you see I suffer more without you? You've been the only thing that's made the pain easier to manage. You made my life mean something more. I had something to look forward to for the first time in years. Don't you think we've both suffered enough?"

Her words resonate in my soul, slowly breaking me down piece by piece. The only problem is, I'm broken for her and by her in more ways than she could ever understand.

"What do you want from me?" I ask, and she doesn't balk at my hard tone.

"I want you to tell me, once and for all, what you really want. No more of what you think you should do. Or what is the right thing to do. I want to hear what you want."

I can see in her eyes that this is it, she means it. If I tell her to go, even if I don't want her to, she will, and then I will never see her again. For some reason, now that I'm faced with that possibility head on, I can't do it anymore.

"Fine. Do you want the truth, Maven?"

She nods, and I see worry furrowing her brow, like she truly doesn't know, and that hurts me more than I expected.

"The truth is, I'm not sorry that I let my selfishness get the best of me. When I realized what you meant to me, I knew that you could be used against me, so I stayed away, and I wish I could say that I tried harder to do so, if only to spare you from all this." Her bottom lip trembles. "I've done so much, seen so much in my life, but even after gazing upon countless worlds and wonders in this universe, you have to know that there are no words in this language or my own that could ever describe what you mean to me."

A tear slips from her eye, and she bats it away.

"God help me." My voice breaks before I go on. "Nothing could tear my heart apart more than the thought of you in harm. You could have died, and that is something I know I could never live with." My chest is rising and falling with deep breaths, and I realize I'm shouting at her. Not in anger, but because I'm caught up in the passion of it all, and she knows this as she takes a step and then another toward me.

"I don't care about the risk. What happened in the past . . . it wasn't your fault. I know the kind of man that you are. I know you did everything you could for your crew and friends. If that makes me selfish too, then I don't care." She pauses, taking in a shuddered breath. "I accept you because you accepted me—all of me. Even that darkness in me that will always live there, and somehow, I knew you had it inside of you too." I don't move or speak, but I want to touch her so bad that it hurts. She goes on. "I'm here, asking you to stay. Please stay with me, Renn. We will figure it out, whatever comes next."

These sweet words pouring from her mouth fill me more and more, and I know there's no going back for me.

"And what about the other part? You don't care that I'm not from this world? That I'm not a human from this planet?" I ask.

She smiles faintly. "After everything you've done for me, choosing to be my friend, it doesn't matter to me where you come from. Somehow, the universe brought you here, and as crazy as it sounds, that's all I care about," she says softly.

The more she says, the more I fall into that feeling of home. My home. She is my home. I lick my lips, taking a step closer.

"I don't know what lies ahead—if someone else will come for me—but it's your choice," I say. She silently looks at me, and I notice her already pink cheeks flush. "I'm yours, completely, but if you don't want this, I swear you will never have to see me again," I add, stepping closer to her until I'm a few inches away.

Tears fall down her cheeks, but they aren't filled with sadness. Instead, she smiles up at me. "I want to be here with you now, tomorrow, always. Whatever the universe grants us. I want to be with you, Renn. Whatever that future looks like, it doesn't matter, because I'm yours too," she says, her blue eyes shining with tears.

I can't help myself from finally closing the last little bit of space between us until my lips are just hovering above hers. I can feel the warmth of her body against mine, her sweet scent feeling my senses as I peer down at her, trying to calm my heart.

"Just promise me one more thing," she says, and I can already taste the satisfying lure of her lips begging to feel mine. "Never let me go."

I place my hands on either side of her face, and she looks at me with such intensity that my breath catches before I can reply.

"Never. I promise."

And then I kiss her.