20. Ellie

ellie

. . .

Gianni was silent on the way back to Abelard. When we pulled behind the house, he put the car in park but left the engine running. “Do you want me to come in?”

“For what?”

“I don’t know.” He paused. “To talk?”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about.”

He stared straight ahead, both hands on the wheel. “My dad...gave me some shit.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m surprised you didn’t hear him yelling.”

“I did,” I admitted. “And your mom was so nice—she kept trying to talk over it, reassure me that everything was going to be fine. But it was obvious your dad was upset.”

“He’s not upset about the baby,” Gianni said quickly. “He’s just mad at me. He thinks I’m running away from my responsibility. I thought he was gonna punch me in the face.”

For a moment, I imagined Uncle Nick beating up Gianni for me, and I felt a little better.

“You don’t think that, do you?” Gianni turned to me. “That I’m running away?”

“No.” I shook my head. “Look, lots of people are going to have an opinion about this situation. But we’re the only two whose opinions matter.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “It just felt shitty, hearing him say I’m not the man he thought he raised.”

“Ouch. That had to hurt.”

“It did.”

“But we can’t control how other people feel.”

“I can’t even control how I feel,” he said. “I’ve never been this...fucked up over anything. I feel like I don’t know myself at all.”

“That’s why you need to go do the show,” I urged. “Once you’re on the set, entertaining people, having a good time, you’ll remember who you are.”

He frowned. “But is that me?”

“It’s always been you before.”

He looked at my stomach. “What will I miss while I’m gone?”

“Me getting bigger. Some doctor appointments. Hearing me complain about shit like heartburn and nausea and having to pee all the time.”

“But you’ll tell me how you’re feeling, right?” he pressed. “And everything the doctor says?”

“Sure. But you don’t have to be here for that.” I shook my head. “You’re not abandoning me, Gianni. If that’s what you’re worried about. You’re just...being honest about what you really want.”

He didn’t reply right away. Then he looked at me intently. “Are you being honest about what you really want?”

Panicked that he’d see the emotion in my eyes, I lowered my gaze to my lap. “I’m trying.”

He put his fingers beneath my chin, forcing me to look at him. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “You really want me to leave?”

I gave the only answer I could and prayed he’d believe it. “Yes.”

“Why, Ellie?” He slipped his hand to the back of my neck and pulled me toward him. His forehead rested against mine. I felt his breath on my lips. “Are you so sure we shouldn’t do this together? All of it?”

“What do you mean?”

But instead of answering, he kissed me, and it was all I wanted—to be swept away by the stroke of his tongue, and the insistence of his mouth, and the grip of his hand on the back of my neck that said mine .

He broke the kiss, breathing hard. “I mean, what about us?”

“But there is no us, Gianni.” It broke my heart to say it. “There was never an us.”

“There could be.”

“No! Be realistic. This baby wasn’t conceived out of love—it was conceived because we were bored ! But you don’t need to be punished for it, and that’s what staying here with me would feel like to you—a jail sentence.”

“You don’t know how it would feel to me,” he said irritably. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“That’s not what I’m doing!”

“Because my feelings are all over the place, and my dad made me feel like a terrible person.”

“That’s not a good reason to be with me, Gianni. Jesus Christ.” Tears spilled over and I wiped at them angrily. “I never know where I stand with you. I never know when something is just about your ego or if it’s real. And I don’t trust you to really stay. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Because I’ll never believe that I’m what you want.”

“God.” He rubbed his face with both hands. “Everything I say is wrong. I’ve never been good with words. I should have read more books.”

Even at a time like this, he could make me laugh, but that only made me feel worse. “We can be friends, Gianni.” I struggled to keep my voice steady as I pushed away the one person I wanted to hold close. “But that’s it, okay? Let’s not pretend we’re anything more.”

He exhaled, defeated. “If that’s what you want. But don’t...shut me out, okay? I want to be part of this.” Hesitantly, he reached out and touched my stomach, and it was so sweet I nearly broke down and begged him to love me.

Instead, I opened the door and ran into the house.

Once the kitchen door was shut behind me, I leaned back against it and sobbed, furious with myself for letting him get to me, with his dad for making him feel bad, with Gianni for being sweet when I really just needed him to be his old self—an unapologetic man-child only out for a good time.

Because he didn’t really want me. He wasn’t saying that. He was just ashamed that his father had scolded him. His feelings hadn’t changed just because I was pregnant with his child. Even if he thought he wanted to play dad for a while, he’d get tired of it. He’d leave me behind and move on. Deep down, he wanted fame, fortune, and the rush of the next new thing.

I wanted love. Home. The security of family and belonging.

And if I wasn’t careful, I’d end up wanting it all with him.

Upstairs in my bedroom, I curled up in my bed and made the call I’d been dreading.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom.”

“Ellie! I was just thinking about you! At the pastry shop today, I bought a tartelette au citron because it reminded me of you when you were a little girl. They were always your favorite.” She laughed. “And you’d lick the filling out before you ate the pastry.”

I nodded as I started to cry again, the sound of her voice taking me back to childhood. She’d been such a good mom—always there when I needed her, with a hug or a word of advice or a smile. It wasn’t her fault she was perfect and I’d never live up. And of course she’d had high expectations for me—wouldn’t I have the same for my child? Now I had to disappoint her when she didn’t deserve it.

“Your dad reminded me of—honey? What’s wrong?”

“Can you come home, Mom?”

“Ellie, what is it?”

“I need you,” I wept. “I need you and I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry, love? Of course I can come home if you need me. But tell me what’s wrong—are you okay?”

“I’m okay—but I’m—I’m pregnant.” The words came out between sobs.

She gasped. “Oh. Oh .”

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I’m so sorry.”

“Ellie, honey,” she said gently, a catch in her voice. “You don’t have to be sorry. Everything will be okay.”

“But I feel so stupid,” I moaned. “I ruined my life and I’m ruining your trip and everything is awful.”

“Shhh. You didn’t ruin anything.” My mother’s voice was soothing. “And you’re not stupid. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Ellie. These things happen.”

“But not to you, they don’t,” I sobbed. “You would never have been so careless. You would never have made such a big fat mistake.”

“Ellie, I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. And I’ve definitely been careless. No one is perfect.”

“I don’t know how to be a mom,” I cried.

“I’ll help you, sweetheart. You’re not alone.” She paused. “But are you—is the father... in the picture?”

“It’s Gianni.”

“Oh, my God.” The shock was evident in her voice. For the first time, she actually seemed rattled. “That’s a surprise.”

“Yeah. For us too.”

“Are you two . . . together ?”

“No,” I said. “It happened during the blizzard.”

“Ah.” Her laughter was gentle and shaded with regret. “For a moment I was hopeful you two were in love.”

“No,” I blubbered. “We were just stupid. And cold.”

“Well, it’s probably not the first baby conceived during a polar vortex.”

“No.” I laughed and cried at the same time. “Probably not.”

“Does Gianni know?”

“Yes. And we told his parents today.”

“I’m sure they were surprised too.”

“Yes.” I took a shaky breath. “But supportive, although they were upset that he’s still leaving to do that TV show.”

“He is?” My mother sounded shocked once more.

“Yes, and that’s how I want it,” I said emphatically. “I don’t want to hold him back.”

“What does he want?”

“He still wants to go,” I said quickly, although I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that was the case. “He’s offered to stay, but what’s the point? I don’t need him over the next three months.”

“Are you sure? Pregnancy isn’t easy. It’s nice to have a partner.”

“He’s not my partner,” I said firmly. “And I’ve got other people I can depend on.”

“Of course you do.” Her voice grew stronger. “Everything is going to be all right, honey. I promise. And I’ll get on a plane first thing tomorrow. Dad too.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “I guess you have to tell Dad, huh?”

More gentle laughter. “Yes, sweetie. Dad needs to know.”

“It’s just so embarrassing.”

“It’s life, Ellie. It’s just life. And sometimes, no matter how perfectly we plan things, they just don’t go the way we want them to. Or the way we thought they would.”

“Not at all,” I said, surprised at how easy she was taking this news.

“But you know what? Sometimes they end up being exactly right. Life has a funny way of turning out fine, just when you least expect it.”

“You really think that?”

“I really do. Remind me to tell you a story sometime.”

“About what?”

“About the asshole I nearly married who jilted me the week before our wedding.”

I gasped. “What? Did that really happen?”

“Absolutely. And I was devastated. I had my life all planned out with that dipshit.” She laughed. “After he dumped me, I went on our Paris honeymoon alone, with the worst possible attitude you can imagine. I was convinced I’d never be happy.”

“And that’s when you met Dad?”

“That’s when I met Dad.”

“I want to hear more about the dipshit,” I said, feeling better already. “I can’t believe I didn’t know this.”

My mother laughed. “It’s not a piece of my past I’m particularly fond of, but I’ll tell you the whole story.”

“Okay. Hurry home.”

“I’m on my way, love. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

The next morning, Winnie came to check on me in the tasting room. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

“Okay.” I managed a wan smile. “How are you?”

“Fine.” She set a bakery bag on the counter. “From my mom.”

“Thanks. Gianni brought me a few yesterday and they’re gone already. They’re like the one thing that isn’t turning my stomach.” I peeked into the bag. “Did you tell her about the baby?”

Winnie nodded. “I hope that’s okay. She won’t say anything to anyone.”

“It’s okay.” I pulled a scone from the bag and took a bite. “We told the Lupos yesterday. And I called my mom last night.”

Her eyes went wide. “And? How did everyone take the news?”

“Everyone was pretty shocked. Gianni’s mom cried, but not like she was sad. They were supportive.”

“Good.” She paused. “How about your mom?”

“She was great, just like you said she would be.”

Winnie was visibly relieved. “See?”

“She’s coming home today.”

“Wow. For good?” She laughed a little. “Am I out of a job?”

I smiled. “No. It’s temporary—just a visit. I asked her to come. You know how she always has the perfect plan for everything? I feel like I could use some of that kind of energy.”

“I’m glad.” She rubbed my shoulder. “It’s okay to still need your mom sometimes, even when you’re grown.”

“I was worried she would make me feel bad without even trying, but she didn’t. In fact, she said something that made me feel better.”

“What?”

“Something about life having a funny way of turning out fine, just when you least expect it.”

Winnie smiled. “I definitely think that’s true.”

“And, she told me that before she met my dad she was engaged to some douchebag who jilted her a week before their wedding.” I had to talk around the scone in my mouth because I was so impatient to get the story out.

“No way!”

“Yes. And she said”—I paused for a second to swallow—“she was in Paris on their honeymoon alone when she met my dad.”

Winnie gasped. “Seriously?”

“Yes. Can you imagine if she’d married that other guy and never met my dad?”

“You wouldn’t even exist,” she said, wide-eyed. Then she laughed. “And maybe we wouldn’t have found that box of sex toys under their bed.”

I frowned at her. “Please. I’m already nauseated.”

“Sorry. I wonder who that other guy was.”

“I don’t know. She said she’d tell me the full story when she got home.” I took another bite. “At least it will be a good distraction from my misery.”

“You seem a little better today,” she said hopefully. “Maybe it’s sinking in.”

“Yeah. I think telling the Lupos yesterday helped.” But then I thought about the kiss in the car afterward and suddenly my eyes went blurry. “God, these stupid pregnancy hormones are awful. I laugh one minute and cry the next.”

“I remember my mom being that way when she was pregnant with the twins.” She looked around. “Can I get you a tissue?”

“No, I’m fine. It’ll pass.” I sniffed and popped the rest of the scone in my mouth. “I just need to stop dwelling on things I can’t change.”

“You mean being pregnant?”

“I mean Gianni.”

“What about him?”

“He wants to be all . . . involved in the pregnancy.”

Winnie feigned outrage. “Rude.”

“I can’t handle it, Win. I just can’t.” My eyes filled with tears again. “He has to stop being sweet. He’s only doing it because he feels bad. And because his dad gave him shit. But I don’t trust myself not to fall for him, especially in this state.”

“Are you sure that’s the only reason he’s doing it?”

“No. I bet he’s also doing it because he wants to have sex again and we wouldn’t have to use a condom. I know how his mind works.”

She laughed sympathetically. “But what if he’s changing his ways? Maybe impending fatherhood has him rethinking his priorities.”

“We’ve been over this, Winnie. Guys like Gianni don’t change.”

Winnie sighed. “You know, it’s too bad. You guys could be good together, if only?—”

I shook my head. “Don’t. That’s the trap, Win. The if only . I get caught in it every night when I’m trying to fall asleep, because part of my stupid, stubborn heart wants that happily ever after.” I grabbed a cocktail napkin for my eyes, helpless against the torrent of tears and the tide of feelings that kept rising in me. “But we can’t always have what we want.”

My parents arrived home later that night, and the moment I saw them walk into Etoile’s kitchen, I ran at them at full speed. I’m sure everyone in there thought I was nuts, but I threw myself into my mother’s arms, and then my dad’s.

My dad held me tight and rubbed my back and told me not to worry about anything, especially work. In fact, he offered to take over for me that night, but I assured him I could handle it and promised to come up and talk to them as soon as I could. I saw Gianni glance over his shoulder, his expression suitably anxious, but my parents left without saying anything to him. Later, when the dining room was empty and the servers were finishing up their side work, I found him in the office, sitting at the desk but staring into space. My heart beat faster at the sight of his handsome profile.

“Gianni?”

He looked over at me and stood up quickly. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I joined my hands at my waist, locking my fingers together. “I’m going to talk to my parents. Do you want to come?”

He went pale. “Do you want me to?”

“It’s up to you. Since we faced your parents together, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to face mine that way too.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Do they know yet?”

“Yes. I told my mom on the phone last night.”

He exhaled, rubbing the back of his neck. “I wondered if that’s why they came back.”

“I don’t think they’re back to stay forever—not right now, anyway. They’re just here to make sure I’m okay.”

“Do they hate me?”

“No. Don’t be ridiculous.” I paused. “Have you talked to your dad today?”

“No.”

He looked so sad, I felt sorry for him. “Well, you don’t have to come with me to talk to Mia and Lucas. I just didn’t want to shut you out if you wanted to be there. It’s...it’s your baby too.”

“Thanks. But I think I’ll just—” He stopped mid-sentence, like he was reconsidering. “Actually, you know what? I will come with you.”

I blinked. “You will?”

“Yes. Like you said, it’s my baby too.” He sounded much more sure of himself and even stood taller. “I want to be there. If your dad wants to throw a punch at me, I’ll take it.”

That made me laugh. “My dad is not going to punch you, Gianni. I can’t imagine my dad punching anyone. Now your dad, on the other hand...”

Gianni grinned, and I realized how long it had been since I’d seen him do it. It warmed me all the way through.

We found my parents seated on the couch in the family room in the private part of the house. My mother was sipping a cup of tea, and my dad had a glass of something that looked like scotch. They stood up when they saw us enter the room together.

“Gianni,” my mother said in surprise, coming forward to give him a hug. “I just got off the phone with your mom.”

“Aunt Mia. Uncle Lucas.” Gianni faced my dad, who held out his hand. There was visible relief on Gianni’s face as he shook it.

“Can I get you anything?” my dad asked. “Beer? Glass of wine? Whiskey?”

Gianni shook his head. “I’m good, thanks.”

“Ellie, darling, would you like tea?” my mom asked.

“No, thanks. I’m sure you guys are tired and want to go to bed.” I sat down in one of two chairs opposite the couch, and Gianni sat in the other. He looked even more uncomfortable than he did when we told his parents, and I didn’t blame him, although my parents were handling this entire situation with a surprising amount of calm and grace—especially my mom.

“We’re fine, honey.” My mom sat down again, tucking her feet underneath her.

My dad sat next to her and covered her lap with a soft pink throw blanket. “How are you feeling, Ell?”

“I’m okay.” I glanced at Gianni, who was nervously rubbing his hands on the tops of his legs. “I’m definitely tired, but we wanted to?—”

Gianni suddenly stood up. “I’m going to take care of them,” he blurted. “I’m going to be there.”

“Of course you are.” My mother’s tone was soothing.

He glanced at me. “I just didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t taking this seriously. I am. I wish I hadn’t signed that contract.”

“Could you get out of it?” my mom asked.

“No. Gianni and I have discussed this,” I said firmly. “He’s going to do the show and come back when it’s finished.”

“What would happen if you broke the contract?” my dad asked.

“He’s not going to break it, Dad. I don’t want him to, and there’s no need.” I made eye contact with Gianni. “You can sit down now.”

He did, but he still looked uneasy.

“Your mom mentioned that your dad was a little rough on you,” my mom said to him.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Give him some time,” my dad said. “Nick’s temper runs a little hot, but he’ll come around.”

“I agree,” said my mom. “So tell us how things are going at Etoile and what we can do to help.”

“Things are going great,” I said with pride. “In fact, we had a billionaire in our dining room tonight.”

“We did?” Gianni looked at me curiously. “Who?”

“The guy by himself at the early seating. Table by the window.”

“That guy’s a billionaire? Huh. He doesn’t look like one.”

I laughed. “What does a billionaire look like?”

“I don’t know.” Gianni shrugged. “A suit and tie? A closer shave? That guy looked kind of scruffy. He’s a billionaire ?”

“Who was it, Ellie?” my dad asked.

“Hutton French,” I said. “Apparently, he’s an old friend of Felicity MacAllister’s. He’s one of those cryptocurrency guys.”

“Really.” My dad sipped his scotch. “Huh.”

“That sounds made up,” Gianni said. “What’s cryptocurrency anyway?”

My mom laughed. “I don’t know either. That’s always confused me. Did he enjoy his meal, Ellie?”

“Yes,” I said. “He’s not a huge talker—he seems a little shy—but I chatted a little bit with him before he left. He loved the butternut squash and mushroom Wellington.”

“That was Felicity’s idea,” Gianni said generously. “She’s really good at vegetarian recipes, but she can do anything. And she’s willing to stay on while you search for another full-time chef de cuisine.”

“If you’re returning in ten weeks, Gianni, could she just serve as a short-term substitute?” my dad asked. “We’d be glad to hold the position for you.”

Gianni glanced at me, as if he was looking for my approval, and I smiled. “That’s really generous, Uncle Lucas,” he said, “and I do love Etoile. But I don’t want to ask that kind of favor. You guys have already been so understanding.”

“Nonsense. You’re family,” said my mother with a smile. “We’d love to have you back after the show is done filming. And I’ll speak with Felicity and make sure she’s okay with that.”

“I bet she’ll be fine with it,” I said. “She wants to start her own catering business and food blog. That’s why she moved back.” I tried to stifle a yawn and couldn’t. “Sorry, guys. I’m about to drop. Can we talk more tomorrow?”

“Of course,” my mom said.

Gianni stood up. “I should get going.”

“I’ll walk you out,” I said, rising to my feet.

“No need. I know the way, and you’re tired. Get some rest.” He hesitated, then hugged me.

At first, I was so surprised I didn’t know how to react—it was the first time he’d ever hugged me goodbye. But after an awkward second or two, I put my arms around him. He smelled good—a combination of herbs from the kitchen and hair product. I was even more shocked when he kissed my cheek before letting me go.

“Goodnight,” he said, nodding at my parents. “See you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” I echoed.

My heart raced as I watched him leave.

Upstairs, I changed into my pajamas and washed my face. Someone knocked on my bedroom door while I was brushing my teeth. “Come in,” I called.

My mom entered the room and leaned on the bathroom doorway. “Just checking on you. You okay?”

I spit out my toothpaste and rinsed the sink. “I’m okay enough. Is Dad okay? He was pretty quiet.”

“He’s fine. It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah.” I switched off the bathroom light and crawled into bed.

My mom turned off my lamp and brought the covers to my shoulders. “You know you can stay here as long as you want. And Dad and I will move back before summer is over.”

“Okay.”

“I wasn’t sure what—if any—living arrangements you and Gianni had discussed.”

“None.”

She bit her lip. “So there’s no chance you two could work things out?”

“There’s nothing to work out, Mom. It’s not like we were together and then broke up. We weren’t a couple. Gianni doesn’t do relationships.”

She sat on the edge of the mattress and brushed my hair back from my face. “Finding out you were pregnant must have been quite a shock.”

“Yeah.”

“But it’s not the end of the world, Ellie. And I think Gianni will be a good dad.”

“You do?”

“Sure.” She continued stroking my hair. “He’s young, but he’s dependable, compassionate, loyal...”

“Are we talking about the same Gianni Lupo who tormented me all those years? I’m pretty sure he beheaded at least one doll.”

My mom laughed. “I know he was a bit of a stinker growing up, but he was raised right, he works hard, and he has a good heart.”

“I guess.”

“And he’s always been sweetly protective of you.”

“Mom, stop.”

“He has, Ellie! Remember that time you fell in the driveway at their house and he carried you inside with two bloody knees? You two couldn’t have been more than five years old.”

I sat up and stared at her in the dark. “Wait a minute. Is that true ?”

“Yes.”

“I always thought the person who carried me inside was Uncle Nick, but Gianni says it was him.”

“It was Gianni.”

“Dammit. He was right.” I lay back again. “That’s so annoying.”

My mother laughed before leaning over and kissing my forehead. “Give him a chance, Ellie. I have a feeling you see the boy he was when you look at him, not the man he could be.”

“Because he hasn’t shown me the man he could be, Mom. Only the boy.”

“Keep watching him,” she said gently. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Night.”

She pulled the door shut behind her and left me alone in the dark, wondering if there was a chance I was wrong about Gianni Lupo after all.