21. Gianni

gianni

. . .

Every morning that week, I brought her breakfast.

I’d stop at the bakery on my way into work and then bring them to the tasting room on my way to the kitchen—of course, it wasn’t really on the way, but it gave me the chance to see her before work and ask how she was feeling.

“The same,” she’d say. “Tired, but okay.”

On the Monday morning after we’d told my parents, she wasn’t in the tasting room. For a moment, I panicked that something was wrong, and I pulled out my phone to text her. While I was typing a frantic message, she breezed in behind me.

“Morning,” she said.

“Morning.” I looked at her with concern, but she looked perfectly beautiful—glowing and rested, much better than last week. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I slept in a little.”

“Oh.” The tension in my shoulders eased. “I was worried. You’re usually down here by ten o’clock.”

She smiled. “I’m okay.”

I set the bakery bag on the counter. “Hungry?”

“Yes, thank you. But you don’t need to feed me, you know.”

“I like feeding you.” I shrugged. “It’s kind of my thing.”

She opened the bag and eagerly bit into a pastry. “Mmm. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. My ultrasound appointment is tomorrow. Do you still want to go?”

“Yes. What time?”

She swallowed the bite in her mouth. “Nine forty-five a.m. The office is in town, so I can just meet you there.”

“No, I’ll pick you up,” I said.

“Gianni, that’s silly. It’s out of your way.”

“I don’t mind. I’ll be here at nine. Is that early enough?”

She sighed. “That’s fine. Come to the kitchen door.”

“Okay.” I left the tasting room with a stupid grin on my face. I wasn’t even sure what an ultrasound was, but knowing Ellie wanted me there, or at least that she didn’t mind my being there, felt like a win.

Of course, once I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, I felt like it was the last place I belonged.

There were no other guys there, and the walls were covered with all this women’s stuff about breastfeeding and hormones and birth control. I absentmindedly picked up a pamphlet with a young girl on the front from the table next to me, and when I opened it up, there was this horrifyingly lifelike drawing of female anatomy staring me right in the face. At the top it said GET TO KNOW YOUR VAGINA. I slammed it shut and put it down.

In the chair next to me, Ellie snickered. “Um, you’ve been up close and personal with those bits and pieces.”

“I know,” I said, squirming in my seat. “I just never looked that close. And I’m not sure I need to know what everything is actually called.”

She laughed again. “Relax. You won’t have to see anything today. I’ll be under a sheet.”

I wanted to tell her I wouldn’t mind seeing her bits and pieces—or being up close and personal with them—but it didn’t seem like the right time.

I chose a safer topic. “Hey, did you tell your brothers about the baby?”

“My mom did.” She shrugged. “I don’t think they cared much. Did you tell your siblings?”

“I texted them. My sister was really excited. One brother replied with dude , and the other with fuck in all caps. Several U’s.”

“Sounds about right.”

I glanced down at her feet. “How’s your ankle?”

She laughed. “Swollen, but I can’t blame the fall. Just the baby.”

“It doesn’t hurt anymore?”

“No.” She was quiet a moment. “Have you talked to your dad yet?”

I shook my head. “He’s not interested in listening to me.”

“Gianni, try again.” She put her hand on my arm. “You won’t feel right leaving town without making peace with him.”

“He was mean to me,” I said grumpily.

“He was just in shock. And he doesn’t understand our choices.”

I looked at her hand still on my arm. “I’m not sure I understand our choices either.”

She took her hand away.

“Ellie?” The nurse smiled at us from the doorway to the hall. “We’re ready for you.”

Ellie quickly got to her feet and followed the nurse down the hall, and I trailed behind. We were put into a room, and Ellie was told to undress from the waist down. “Do you want me to leave?” I said hesitantly once the nurse had gone. “I can.”

Ellie sighed. “I guess not. Too late now to worry about getting undressed with you in the room.”

I tried to give her some privacy, but it was hard in such a small room. I turned around, looking for something to distract me, but all I saw was a 3D model of a woman’s reproductive system and magazines with babies and moms on the front. Where the hell were the dads?

“Okay, you can turn around.” Ellie sounded amused.

I spun around and saw her lying back with a blue paper sheet covering her naked lower half—only her hedgehog socks were still on. “Hey, it’s your lucky socks.”

“Yeah.” She wiggled her toes. “I thought we could use some luck.”

“Are you nervous?” I took one foot in my hand and squeezed.

“A little.” She glanced at the screen to her right. “I just want everything to be okay.”

“It will be. I promise.” But suddenly I was nervous too.

A moment later, a woman in scrubs came in and greeted us. “Hi there, Ellie. Ready to peek at your baby?”

“Yes,” Ellie said. “This is the baby’s father, Gianni.”

“I’m Beth, the sonographer.” She smiled at me. “Big day, huh?”

“Yeah.” I stepped out of the way, hoping she couldn’t tell how bad I was sweating. “I’ve never seen one of these before.”

“Don’t worry.” Beth took a seat between Ellie and the screen and did some things I tried not to watch too closely. A moment later, strange, ghostly images appeared on the monitor. “There we go. First things first, it looks like just one critter in there.”

“You mean there was a chance there was more than one?” I asked, my voice cracking.

Beth laughed. “Always a chance. But there’s only one.” The images shifted and swirled on the screen. “Okay, I can see some knees right here, and some feet.”

Instinctively I moved to look closer and took Ellie’s hand. This was unbelievable.

The image shifted again, and something that looked vaguely like the shape of a baby lying on its back appeared. “So there’s the head,” said Beth, “and there’s the bum. And see that flickering? That’s the heart.”

“That’s the heart beating? We can see that already?” My throat was so tight I could hardly talk.

“Yes. Want to hear it?”

“Can we?” Ellie asked.

“Sure.” Beth clicked something, and the room was filled with a scratchy, rhythmic sound. The lump in my throat ballooned, and the screen grew blurry.

“It’s so fast,” Ellie said.

Beth was reassuring. “That’s normal for first trimester.”

Ellie looked at me, and her eyes were wet too. I wanted to say something and couldn’t. I squeezed her hand.

“Can I take a video?” My voice sounded odd to me, weak and raw, like I had a sore throat.

“Of course,” said Beth.

I pulled out my phone and took a video of the screen, capturing the sound of the heartbeat and the graph at the bottom.

Ellie sniffed and looked at the screen again. “Does everything look okay?”

“Everything looks fine.” Beth went on about spine development, organ functioning, length, and weight. But I was mesmerized by the little creature on the screen, by the sound of its heart, and by the rush of feelings it inspired.

“Can you tell if it’s a boy or girl?”

“Not yet. That will be at your next ultrasound appointment, probably around eighteen to twenty weeks.” Beth paused. “If you want to know. Some people like to be surprised.”

“We’ve had enough surprises,” said Ellie. “I definitely want to know.”

A few minutes later, the scan was finished and Beth told Ellie she could get dressed.

“Excuse me,” I said. “I’m just going to use the restroom. Is there a dad’s bathroom or anything?”

Beth laughed. “You can use the one down the hall on the left.”

I told Ellie I’d be right back and left the room. Inside the bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face and looked at myself in the small mirror over the sink. I hardly recognized myself.

But I knew three things.

I was going to be a father.

I was going to be a good father.

I was going to do everything in my power to make things right between Ellie and me.

I’d always trusted my gut instincts, which usually told me when it was time to move on to the next place, take the next risk, chase the next thrill. But today when I’d heard that little heartbeat and saw those tiny feet and looked into Ellie’s brown eyes, my gut hadn’t told me to run.

It told me to stay.

I didn’t sleep that night. I just lay there in the dark, the sound of the baby’s heart on a loop in my head, each tiny little beat reaffirming what I needed to do.

But how could I convince Ellie to let me try?

The next morning, I sought out Winnie. Knocking on her open office door, I poked my head in. “Hi. Got a minute?”

“Hey, Gianni.” She checked her phone. “Sure. I have a wedding couple coming in at ten, but I have a few minutes. Sit down.”

I took a seat opposite her. “I just brought Ellie some scones from your mom.”

Winnie laughed. “Between the two of us, we’re going to bury her in those things.”

“She says it’s one of the only foods that tastes good to her, so I don’t mind stopping on the way in.”

“That’s nice of you. I’ll stop bringing them, so she associates all the good feelings with you.”

“Thanks.” I hesitated. “That’s actually what I came to ask you about.”

“Oh?”

My leg was bouncing up and down, an old habit. “Ellie hates me,” I blurted. “Is there any way to change that?”

“I don’t think she hates you, Gianni,” Winnie said hesitantly. “I think her feelings are more complicated than that.”

“Yesterday was the ultrasound, and it just...” I tried to put into words what it had done to me. “It hit me really hard.”

“Ellie said everything went well.”

“It did go well. The baby is fine.” I couldn’t help smiling. “We got to hear the heartbeat.”

“That’s amazing.”

“Yeah. It really was. It made me feel so close to Ellie, and she even let me hold her hand, but the moment it was over, she was so distant again. She said nothing on the ride home.” Closing my eyes, I exhaled. “I know I’ve given her a lot of reasons to doubt I can be good for her, but I really want to try.” I opened my eyes and looked at Winnie with desperation. “You know her better than anybody. Can you give me some tips to make her like me?”

Winnie laughed gently. “Well, the scones are a good start. And taking her to the doctor’s appointment. I know that meant a lot to her.”

“It did? Did she say that?”

“She did,” Winnie said carefully. “But she’s nervous, Gianni. That’s probably why she doesn’t say much.”

“About what?”

Winnie glanced at the door, then got up and closed it. “Okay, if I talk to you about this, it has to stay between us.”

“I swear.”

“I mean it, Gianni. I will never forgive you if you betray this confidence or use it to hurt her.”

I held up my palms. “You have my word. Please , talk to me. And if you say that she’ll be better off without me and I should just leave her be, I will.”

Winnie sat down again and studied me, like she still wasn’t sure she could trust me. “I don’t think she’d be better off without you, but she’s scared of being hurt.”

“By me?”

“Yes.” Her voice softened. “She has feelings for you, Gianni.”

“But I have feelings for her too! Ever since those days at the motel, I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to be with her, but she keeps pushing me away.” Too restless to sit still, I jumped to my feet. “Tell me what to say to convince her to let me in.”

“At this point, I don’t know that she’d believe words ,” Winnie said. “I think you have to be patient and show her you really want to be with her, and not just because she’s pregnant.”

“I want to do that,” I said. “But she won’t let me. I offered to get out of doing that show so I don’t have to leave for ten weeks, and she’s insisting that I go.”

“Because she thinks if you’re gone, she’ll get over you.”

I stared at her. “ That’s why she wants me to leave? So she can get over me?”

Winnie nodded solemnly. “And if she ever found out I told you that, she would stab me with a thousand sharp knives. But for some reason, I have this feeling you’re telling me the truth, and you really do care for her.”

“I do,” I moaned. “Swear to God, Winnie, I’ve never spent so many sleepless nights thinking about how to make a girl want me. I had no idea it could be this hard.”

Winnie smiled. “Ellie’s a tough cookie. She’s stubborn and she’s proud. She’s got it in her head that she could never be what you really want, and she won’t settle for being anything less.”

I slumped into the chair again. “That’s my fault. I said a bunch of stupid stuff to her at the motel about never wanting to be tied down to one place or one person. But it was mostly just me showing off how immature and unattached I was. It seemed like a badge of honor to be so free.”

“Have you changed your mind?”

Exhaling, I looked at my hands in my lap. “Yes. I don’t care about that freedom anymore. I want to be with her. And I’d give up anything to have another chance.”

“Then prove it,” Winnie said.

“But how ? She hardly lets me near her.”

“I can’t tell you that, Gianni. You’re going to have to figure that out for yourself.” She paused. “But it should be big.”

I went straight to the kitchen office and called my agent. When he didn’t pick up, I left a voicemail.

“Hey Spencer, it’s Gianni. Listen, I’m sorry to do this, but I need to get out of my contract for Hot Mess. I can’t leave Michigan at the end of March for family reasons. Can you please call me back when you get this? My mind is made up.”

I ended the call and set my phone down, then rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans. Next, I jumped online and canceled my flight out of town, as well as the small house in L.A. I’d rented for the duration of the shoot. Finally, I called the manager of my Traverse City apartment complex to see if I could extend my lease, but unfortunately, that unit had already been rented starting April 15th.

“But I’ve got a two-bedroom, two-bath available,” she offered. “Rent is higher, obviously, but it’s available right now. Would you like to come see it?”

“Yes,” I said, “but I can’t come today. Tomorrow okay?”

“Sure,” she said. “I’m here nine to five.”

“I’ll be there at nine. Thanks.” I hung up with her, took a deep breath, and made the final call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Pop. It’s me.”

Silence. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, but can we talk?”

“Have you come to your senses?”

I smiled. “Yeah. And I could use some advice on how to make a girl fall in love with me, even though I’m not good enough for her. I figure you’re an expert in that.”

He laughed. “Come by the house. I’ve got some experience there.”

My dad was waiting for me at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. My mother was there too. “Hi, honey,” she said, her expression concerned. “Are you okay? You look terrible.”

“I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Would you like some coffee?” she asked.

“That sounds good, thanks.” I pulled out the chair across from my dad and sat down while my mom went over to the coffee maker. “So I dropped out of the show.”

His brows went up. “You did?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you were right. I was making the wrong choice. You guys raised me to put my family first, not my career. And even though this isn’t what I had planned, I’m realizing that it could turn out to be what I want.”

“Or what you need,” my mom said, setting a cup of black coffee in front of me.

“What changed your mind?” my dad asked.

“Honestly, I was never fully convinced doing the show was right for me. And once I found out about the baby, I was even less convinced. But there was one thing that pushed me over the edge.” I pulled out my phone and brought up the video of the ultrasound. “This.”

They both leaned forward and watched, astonishment on their faces. “ Oh .” My mom’s eyes welled with tears, and she put a hand over her heart. “That sound brings back so many memories.”

The video ended, and my dad cleared his throat. “Play it again.”

Smiling, I played it again for them, enjoying their reaction—my dad’s slow, amazed grin, my mom’s emotional tears, the look they exchanged.

“Can you send that to me?” my mom asked.

“Me too,” said my dad.

“Sure.” I messaged it to both of them, set my phone down, and picked up my coffee. “Now tell me how to win over this baby’s mom.”

My dad sipped his coffee too. “Have you told her you’re not doing the show?”

“Not yet,” I said. “She’s going to be mad. She doesn’t want me to stay here.”

“Because she thinks you don’t want to stay here,” my mom said. “She doesn’t want to be the reason you don’t get to do what you want, and she thinks by insisting that you go, she’s doing you a favor.”

“It shows she cares,” my dad said with a shrug. “She’s just going about it the wrong way.”

“Like someone else I know.” My mom elbowed my dad. “Anything about this seem familiar to you?”

My dad’s face turned a little red. “Uh. Maybe.”

“Is there something I’m missing here?” I asked.

My mother sighed. “Back in college I had an opportunity to go to Paris for a year like my mother and grandmother had done. It was a family tradition.”

“And she wasn’t going to go, because of me,” my dad said. “So I did what I thought was best so she wouldn’t throw away the opportunity and hate me for it later.”

“You convinced her to go?” I asked.

“I broke up with her so she’d go. But it was a mistake.” My dad took my mom’s hand and kissed the back of it. “And it took me years to win her back.”

“ Years ?” I gaped at them. “I don’t have years to win Ellie.”

“It won’t take years,” my mother assured me. “I think Ellie wants you to stay, but she’s too afraid to admit it.”

“I think so too,” my dad said. “Because I saw the way she looked at you that day you guys told us. She might not trust you, but she definitely has feelings for you.”

“If that were true,” I said, thinking about what Winnie had told me, “what could I do to change her mind? To make her trust me?”

“Why doesn’t she trust you?” my mother asked.

My dad and I exchanged a look, and I knew right away he hadn’t told her what I’d done at the motel. I felt a rush of gratitude for him—he was the kind of dad I’d be someday.

“I haven’t always played fair with Ellie’s feelings,” I confessed. “There’s some history I’m not proud of—nothing terrible, but if I could go back, I’d do things differently. But mostly I think she’s scared because of something I said to her.”

“What did you say?” My mother was clearly nervous.

“I said I never wanted to stay in one place or settle down. I said I wasn’t sure I ever wanted a family, and that being stuck with one person for the rest of my life sounded boring.”

“Gee, can’t imagine why she panicked when she realized she was pregnant,” muttered my mom, picking up her coffee cup.

“Look, I know!” I jumped up and started pacing. “It was just a bunch of immature bullshit I said because I didn’t know then what would happen or how I’d feel about her. When we got back from the motel, I couldn’t stop thinking about her, but I didn’t know how to handle it. Then all of a sudden she was pregnant, and any time I tried to tell her how I felt, she just accused me of pitying her.” I stopped moving. “Also, I’m not the best at saying how I feel so I’m not sure things came out right.”

“Safe to say they didn’t,” my dad remarked.

I started pacing again. “Anyway, I finally came right out and said, ‘What about us?’ And you know what she said?” I turned to look at them. “She said, ‘There is no us. There’s never been an us.’”

“Okay,” my mom said, tapping her lips with one finger. “So you need to show her two things. One, that you didn’t mean what you said about never wanting to stay in one place and have a family—or that you’ve changed your mind. And two, that she matters to you, baby or not.”

“But the baby matters too,” I insisted. “I want to show her I’ll be a good father.”

“Be a good man first,” said my dad. “The rest will follow.”

I sat down again. “If I just announce that I’m not doing the show and staying here, it won’t be enough. She won’t like it.”

“I agree,” my mom said. “You’ll need to work a little harder to show her that it’s not just about obligation. And it might take some time, Gianni. Maybe not years, but you have to be patient while you earn her trust.”

“I will,” I promised.

She sighed. “You know what I was looking at the other day? The photo album from that first summer we moved up here. You were what, like five?”

I stared at her. “You have photos from back then? Of Ellie and me?”

“Of course.” She got up and went into the family room, returning with several albums. “I’ve got a ton of them.”

I opened one up and started leafing through, smiling at old pictures of family vacations and holidays and birthdays. Mostly the photos were of my siblings and me, but there were plenty with the Fournier kids too, since we were together so much.

Sledding in winter. Running through the sprinkler during the summer. Standing side by side—and not looking too happy about it—on the first day of school. As the years went by, our appearances changed—I grew taller, Ellie’s hair grew longer—but in picture after picture, there we were, side by side, growing up together.

The final photo I found of us had been taken at our high school graduation. We’re wearing our navy blue gowns, and I’m standing behind Ellie with both arms around her neck like I might choke her. The grin on my face is a mile wide, and she’s tugging on my forearms like she wants to escape—but she’s laughing, her face radiantly beautiful and her eyes bright.

Was that only five years ago? We’d come such a long way together.

It gave me an idea.