Chapter Sixteen

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Spencer

“Did you give Corbin the book?” Gael asked me when I stopped by the library to see him.

“I did. He said he’s going to start it tonight when we get home.”

Gael cocked a brow, and at first, I wasn’t sure why, but then realized my mistake. “He lives next door in the same apartment complex.” Yes, yes he did, but he was also in my bed every night.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

I didn’t want to get into too much detail because it wasn’t professional, but I also didn’t want to lie to Gael. Plus, it was good for queer kids to have queer people they could go to and talk about things, or to see and hear about healthy queer relationships. “I’m not sure if that’s the exact word I’d use, but we’re dating.”

“Wasn’t it like thirty seconds ago that you said you were just friends?”

Leave it to Gael to call me on my shit. “You’re a brat, do you know that?”

“So you’ve said.” He looked down at his book again.

“Bet it’s nice to be out of school for a couple of weeks. Just a few months left, and you graduate.”

“I can’t fucking wait.”

“I know.” I squeezed his shoulder. “I’ll let you get back to your book before you get too grumpy with me. Once I get some work done, I’ll come say goodbye.”

He nodded. “Thanks, Spencer.”

“No problem.”

Back in my office, I lost myself in my work, not realizing how much time passed until there was a knock on my open office door.

“Hey, Spencer.” Eve, one of our volunteers, poked her head in. “Sorry to bother you. There’s a guy named Corbin here, looking for you. He said he’ll be waiting in the library.”

I looked at the clock to see it was five thirty. “You didn’t bother me. Thanks for letting me know. How is everything? You good?”

“Yeah, everything’s great. Thanks for always asking.”

Eve returned to the front desk, while I shut my computer down and grabbed my cell, trying to pretend that buzz of excitement running laps in my body wasn’t because Corbin was here. Basically, I was a liar because I knew it was.

He was sitting beside Gael when I got into the library, the two of them discussing something.

“How are you guys thick as thieves so quickly?”

“I know cool people when I see them,” Corbin replied, but something was off in how he said it. There was no real reason I should be able to tell that, since I couldn’t put my finger on why I thought it, but I knew I was right.

“Gross. I’m not cool,” Gael answered, making Corbin chuckle.

“My mistake,” Corbin replied, then turned to me. “You’re often late after work, so I thought I’d just come here.”

Yeah, I did tend to stay later than five. There was always so much to do, and even if I had a slower day, I liked spending time at the center.

When our eyes met, I saw the playfulness that was Corbin trying to sneak through, but it was blocked by something else. His gaze darted away quickly, as if he didn’t want me to find what I was looking for. Well, that wouldn’t do at all, so I walked over, tilted his head up, and pressed a kiss to his lips.

“Oh,” sneaked out of his mouth as soon as we pulled away.

I grinned.

“I can’t believe you guys are boyfriends. I better find a man in college,” Gael grumbled.

“I’m in my midthirties,” Corbin told him, “and Spencer is my first…dating thing.”

I raised a brow. “Dating thing?”

“We said we were dating, but I wasn’t sure what that meant.”

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” I asked, and why was I holding my breath?

He smiled, and despite his fake one moments ago, this one was real. That truth helped me mask some of my own fears and insecurities.

“Yeah…” he said. “As long as it doesn’t mess up our friendship.”

“We already discussed that. Nothing will mess up our friendship. So we’re boyfriends,” I told him.

“Deal.” He grinned.

Gael was looking at us and frowning slightly. “Why do I feel like I just watched two sixteen-year-olds instead of old guys?”

Corbin gasped. “I’m not old! Take it back!”

“Relationships are hard,” I told Gael. “You’ll see one day.”

Gael looked down, fingering the edge of the book he was reading. Just as I was about to say something, Corbin beat me to it.

“You will. I know it. Believe me, I never thought I’d have a boyfriend. Hell, my first kiss was with my best friend because he felt sorry for me.”

Gael scoffed. “I doubt that. You’re hot.”

“Looks aren’t everything, but you wouldn’t recognize me if you saw me as a kid.”

Corbin said looks weren’t everything, but I wondered if he got the irony of his statement because I knew he believed that when it came to everyone but himself.

“You were always beautiful, baby. I don’t know why people like to hurt others so much, but they do. They’re more willing to share things they hate than things they like, or tell someone something negative instead of something positive. You’re gorgeous and a great person.” I turned to Gael. “And you’re one of my favorite people in the world. Definitely one of the smartest.”

Gael playfully rolled his eyes at me. “How do you do that? I swear you’re the most confident person I know.”

“That’s not true, and I wasn’t always the way I am now. It took me a long time to get to the point where I’m happy with myself and don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.” And I wanted that for them. Both of them.

Neither replied right away. Corbin was looking at me. Nothing would have made me turn away from him.

“Are you guys about to kiss again?” Gael asked. “And you totally called him baby.”

Corbin and I burst into laughter. I had called him baby. Sure, I’d done it last night too, but I was still getting used to it. This thing was progressing faster than I would’ve ever imagined.

“Tell me about the book you’re reading,” Corbin said to Gael, and the kid immediately launched into a story.

I mostly let the two of them do their thing, only chiming in every once in a while. On the surface Corbin seemed like himself, but I had this weird, persistent feeling that something was off.

Corbin must have dropped his car at home and then gotten a ride here, because when we left an hour or so later, he went straight to the passenger seat of my vehicle.

“I need to go grocery shopping,” I told him, “so looks like you’re going with me.” I wanted to make sure we had stuff at the apartment to eat.

“Works for me.”

Corbin was still quieter than usual. Every now and again he would look at his phone, scroll, then put it away again. A few minutes later he’d do the same thing. I had a sneaking suspicion what he was focusing on. If I could delete that app from his phone, I would.

“What do you want for dinner tonight? We can get something to cook together,” I said when we got into the grocery store.

“I’m not really hungry tonight. I had a big lunch.”

I bit my tongue not to respond. Figuring out what to do in this situation was tough. Corbin was an adult. I couldn’t control him. Plus, it wasn’t as if I’d never had a big lunch and not eaten dinner. Also, I didn’t know the ins and outs of this, and for all I knew, if I pushed too hard, it could actually be harmful for him. On the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to protect him, to take care of him and make sure he always knew how incredible he was.

“Okay…well, what are some of your favorite foods? I’ll just get them so I have them around.”

“I’m not an idiot. Jesus, I don’t need you to fucking coddle me. You’re my boyfriend, not my dad,” he snapped.

A woman walking by stared at us, clearly having heard what he’d said. The last thing I wanted was to fight with him, but also, I was pissed. I hadn’t done anything to deserve that. “Noted.”

Corbin continued to walk with me around the store but didn’t speak. I got the kinds of foods I liked, and some stuff I’d seen him eat as well. He helped me put the reusable bags in the trunk when we were finished, still not talking. The second we were in the car, he was back on his phone.

I thought maybe he was going to go to his apartment, but he still went with me into mine. When I started to put the groceries away, he said, “I’m going to take a shower. Do you have anything I can wear?”

“Yep. Take anything you want out of my drawers. Plus, you have a few things you left here that I washed. They’re folded in my closet.”

He gave me a slow nod, watched me for a moment, then disappeared down the hallway. I made chicken breasts and white rice with broccoli and zucchini for dinner, knowing it was a meal he’d liked in the past.

He was in there a long time. Enough for dinner to be done and me to make two plates, putting them both on the table just in case. Worry weighed me down the whole time. Had I done something wrong? It was something I’d often wondered when it came to DJ. I just hoped Corbin didn’t leave me behind as easily as DJ had.

When he came out, he was wearing a pair of his underwear and one of my T-shirts, which was too large for him. He had his own shirts here, and that one had been on the top of the laundry basket, so I knew he was wearing it to be close to me…to smell me, and damned if that didn’t make me feel incredible.

Corbin set his phone on the table beside my plate. I looked down, seeing negative comments on a post. Red-hot anger eviscerated my insides.

“Fuck these people. They’re keyboard warriors who have nothing better to do with their time than to put others down. Don’t pay attention to a word they say.”

“Don’t you think I would if I could? It’s all I’ve thought about all day. And I know it’s my own fault because I keep fucking posting, but I can’t make myself stop doing that either.” He tried to walk away, but I grabbed his wrist and pulled him to my lap.

Corbin came easily, sitting on my thighs, arms wrapped around my shoulders. “I can’t control it…how I feel. You can’t push me into changing.”

“I know, but I can’t not try to help you either. I care about you. I really think you need to see a therapist.” My hand made circles on his back. Corbin nuzzled into me even more.

The room was quiet, both of us just breathing and me touching him while I waited for his reply. “Don’t give up on me,” Corbin said rather than responding about the therapist. “I’m sorry I was an asshole. Just don’t give up on me.”

His voice wrapped a lasso around my heart, pulling me in. “I won’t. Jesus, I won’t.” It wasn’t as if Corbin hadn’t already hooked me before that, but hearing him being so fucking real was my undoing.

I held him there for a little while before we made our way to the couch. I brought my plate, setting it on the coffee table. We both picked at it while we cuddled and watched a show. Eventually, he ended up with his head in my lap, my fingers carding through his soft hair.

“I really like yogurt,” he said softly.

I smiled. “Then I guess we’ll have to stock up, won’t we?”

Still, I knew that wasn’t enough…but for now it was a start.

*     *     *

I’d met thefamilies of men I’d been dating before, but I’d never been nervous the way I was with Corbin’s. Part of it was because it was him and I liked him so damn much. I wanted to make a good impression because of how I felt about him. But most of my nerves came from him and the fact that Corbin was so anxious.

He’d been edgy in the days leading up to Christmas Eve, and that had been multiplied by a hundred last night before we went to bed, and it carried over into this morning.

“Are you sure you want me to go with you? It’s okay if you changed your mind,” I told him on the way over. We took my car, and I was driving. I’d put on a bow tie and button-up shirt like I did when I worked at the center. Corbin wore a nice black button-up shirt and slacks.

“Are you kidding me? I don’t want to go alone. I’m bringing CB backup,” he said playfully, clearly trying to relax and be himself.

“Will it be that bad that you’d need backup? I mean, I’m game. Just want to know what I should prepare myself for.” My hands tightened on the steering wheel. The world could be such a shitty place. No one should need support to visit their own family, even though I knew that was the case for a lot of people.

“No, I shouldn’t say that. It’s not fair to them. Seriously, my family doesn’t even curse. They’re the definition of sweet and wholesome, which, ya know, means I stick out like a sore thumb.”

Yikes. That was hard. “Do they listen to your podcast?”

“Christ, no. They already think I’m going to burn in hell for all eternity.”

And yep, my anger skyrocketed at that. I knew it. He’d told me before, but it would never not infuriate me. “Do you believe that?”

“No, but that doesn’t make it easier to have your parents think it.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” I reached over and squeezed his thigh.

“Eh, it is what it is. I’m a great fuck. I guess you can’t have everything.”

“You’re more than a great fuck.”

“A pretty face?”

“I’m serious, Corbin.”

“I know.”

But did he? Did he really know?

“What did you tell them about me?”

“I’d already told them you’re coming, but I texted this morning and said you’re my boyfriend. I’m claiming that shit. You’re my first one ever!”

I laughed because Jesus, how could I not? He had the most electrifying personality, one I couldn’t get enough of.

I was fighting with my instincts not to hate his parents based on what I knew about them, but it wasn’t easy. The second we got to the house, I relaxed some. Corbin’s parents, plus a brother and a sister, their spouses and their children, were all waiting to greet us and introduce themselves, so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

When we got to his brother, though, he said, “It’s good to meet a new friend of Corbin’s.” Then turned to the kids and said, “Come meet Uncle Corbin’s friend.”

Ah, so they were going to play it like we were friends because it was so wrong for kids to know queer people could live happily ever after?

Corbin glanced my way and rolled his eyes before swooping in to pick up the kids and play with them.

We made our way into the living room, Corbin getting right down on the floor to play with his nieces and nephews. It was a modest home, without a lot of upgrades, but looked comfortable and lived in.

“So what do you do, Spencer?” his mom asked.

They seemed nice and were at least trying to make conversation, so maybe I’d misjudged them. “I’m the outreach coordinator for the LGBTQ center in Santa Monica,” I said, unwilling to leave out where I worked.

Gazes darted to the kids, who weren’t paying us any attention. It was clear they loved their uncle Corbin and Corb adored them. I hated that he didn’t spend much time with them because of his family.

“That’s nice,” his mom replied. “Did you grow up here?”

Well, there went the subject change, steering it to topics they considered safe, when there was nothing wrong with Corbin and me at all.