Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Corbin

“‘How do youdeal with being vulnerable and opening up to your partner when you’ve never done that before?’” I read the listener’s question while sitting in the studio with the Beach Bums as we recorded the next episode. “One, two, three, not it!” I said right after. I had no idea how in the fuck to answer this question.

“Why would you do a thing like that?” Marcus asked, and I swatted his arm.

“Please. Your man has you wrapped around his finger. Don’t pretend you’re not vulnerable as shit with Kai.”

“Vulnerable as shit?” Declan teased.

I ignored his comment. “And you shouldn’t pretend you’re not the same with Bastian. Our two stoic besties are all shmoopy now that they’ve fallen in love, while I can’t even find a boyfriend!”

“Are you still doing that, kid?” Marcus asked.

“Wait,” Parker interrupted. “I definitely want to get back on the topic of Corbin and his boyfriend quest, but I feel like we should answer the question first, and since I’m the only one of the four of us who happens to have any emotional maturity, I’ll take it.”

“Hey! I’m totally emotionally mature!” I argued. There was a beat of silence before my friends burst into laughter. “You guys suck,” I grumbled, pretending to pout. I could do emotions in a way they didn’t seem to think I could. I shared shit with Spencer all the time. We talked about everything. He knew more about me than anyone other than the three people in this room with me.

“Can we get back to Parker answering the question now?” Declan asked, making it clear he really wasn’t going to be the one to answer. “Then we can tackle Corbin’s maturity or lack thereof.”

I gave him the finger.

“There’s no guide on vulnerability,” Parker got us on track again, “but my advice is to find the right person and then give that to them. It’ll be easier because they deserve it. Even before I could admit to myself I had feelings for Elliott, I was giving him pieces of myself I never gave anyone else. My fear held me back, and to this day, I thank him for sticking by me and not giving up. I was in denial about what he meant to me, but at the same time, my heart knew, and that’s why I was able to open up to him like I couldn’t with others. In some ways, I think it comes naturally when the person and timing are right, but you also have to allow yourself to believe it’s okay. You have to open up to yourself and admit how you feel, and once you do, it gets easier to be vulnerable with them.”

My skin suddenly grew clammy. Hadn’t I just been thinking about how I shared more with Spencer than I did with anyone other than these guys? And the other night I’d straight up told him that talking with him felt like it did with my Beach Bums. The way Parker made it sound, that meant Spencer was…more to me or something. I said, “But people do that with friends too. Look at us.”

“Of course,” Parker replied. “I’ve always known the three of you were my friends and only my friends. But while I found myself opening up to Elliott in a similar way, I knew my feelings for him were different.”

“Yeah, you never wanted to be our good boy,” Declan teased.

I breathed out a sigh of relief. Not that I didn’t want Spencer, because I did, but also, the thought of wanting more with him was scary as fuck. He was my friend, my CB, and the last thing I wanted was to ruin that. If I got feelings for him and got all relationship vulnerable with him, that would just push him away. Spencer might be willing to cuddle me and want to be my friend and, hell, he even said I was beautiful, but I couldn’t imagine him wanting to be in a relationship with me. And the first time I tried the boyfriend thing, I wanted it to be with someone where I didn’t have as much at stake as I did with him.

“Why you so quiet?” Marcus asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Usually you guys tell me to shut up, and today you’re asking me why I’m quiet? What do you people want from me!” I joked, playing it off with enthusiasm.

“Aw, we never really want you to shut up, Corb,” Parker said.

“Well, that’s good because I don’t ever plan to.”

“Can I admit I’m glad you haven’t been sharing all your hookup stories lately?” Declan said, and…and holy fuck. Because I wasn’t hooking up. When was the last time I’d had sex with someone?

Sweat suddenly dripped down the back of my neck. “I’m trying to find a boyfriend, remember? I’ve been talking to a nice guy online.” Whom I still haven’t tried to see in person. Christopher was nice, but he wasn’t… He just wasn’t.

“He’s not good enough for you,” Marcus said.

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know anything about him.”

“I think what Marcus is trying to say is that looking for a boyfriend might mean that you’re more willing to accept shitty behavior,” Parker said. “Look at me. I wanted love for years, and all I got was heartbreak after heartbreak. It wasn’t until I stopped looking that I found Elliott.”

“Technically you found him a year earlier, but you refused to go out with him,” Declan pointed out.

“No one asked you.” Parker winked at him.

Marcus’s comment did remind me that I needed to find a way to tell them what I was doing with Spencer. It didn’t suit me to keep things like this from them.

“Let’s answer another question,” I said, changing the subject. I was surprised when it worked.

We went from that to “Mimosas and Man-Talk,” where I talked about one of the movies Spencer and I had just watched, and Parker rambled about a new restaurant he and Elliott had tried. Luckily, they forgot to discuss my emotional maturity.

As soon as Marcus stopped the recording, three sets of eyes zeroed in on me, but it was my bossy best friend who asked, “Why have none of us seen much of you lately?”

“I think I’m gonna go talk to Kai, Elliott, and Sebastian.” I shoved to my feet and went for the door, and as expected, they all followed. The Poddies were all in the living room and looked up when we walked in.

“Is it the Christopher guy?” Marcus asked. “Is he treating you well?”

“Uh-oh,” Kai said. “Daddy is in the building. I repeat, Daddy is in the building.”

“God, I love you,” I told Kai, before turning to Marcus. “It’s not Christopher. He’s a possibility on the boyfriend front. The other thing is something different.”

Elliott smiled. “Well, this just got interesting.”

“Never a dull moment,” Sebastian chimed in.

“Are you okay?” Declan asked. “We were planning on talking to you anyway. You’ve been absent lately, Corb, and I don’t know if it’s because…” His gaze darted around the room, and I knew he meant because they were all happily in relationships and in love and I wasn’t. “We miss you. I can’t even remember the last time you were in Driftwood.”

My heart felt impossibly mushy. Christ, I was so lucky to have these people in my life. How could I care what anyone else thought of me when I had them? “It’s not that. I know your lives aren’t complete without me here all the time. I would never deny you the gift of my presence. I’ve just…been hanging out with Spencer a lot lately.”

“A lot? I thought it was only the once,” Marcus said.

“Wait. I thought we hated him?” Elliott asked.

“We do hate him,” Kai concurred. “We named him Asshole Spencer for a reason!”

“He’s not an asshole,” I said, and they all looked at me, confused.

“Are you kidding me right now?” Marcus asked. “The man said shitty things to you.”

Kai put his arms around his boyfriend. Marcus was seething. The thing about Marcus was he needed to be needed. It was one of the things that had connected us. I’d really fucking needed him, and that had given him something he needed in return. I still did in so many ways. Marcus would forever be my person, and because I had depended on him so much, he took his role as my caretaker seriously.

“What Marcus is trying to say is, we worry about you. We don’t want you to put up with someone who treats you badly,” Kai said, trying to smooth things over.

“He doesn’t. He’s my CB.”

“Cock and balls?” Elliott asked, and Parker swatted him on the arm.

“Cuddle Buddy.”

“Excuse me, what?” Declan asked.

I sighed. “We met before. I didn’t recognize him. It was the beginning of college, and I was trying to fit in at school and missing Dec and Parker. I saw Marcus a lot less at the time too, and hadn’t yet found my footing. We met at a beach party and talked for hours. We really connected, but then a group of guys I was trying to impress showed up, and I bailed on him right when we were about to kiss. He went to find me, heard the guys saying fucked-up things about him and his weight, while I didn’t counter or defend him in any way, so he left. He had a lot of feelings about that, which was why he made his assumptions about me. We had a long talk about it and sorted through all that. He’s not an asshole. If he’s an asshole, so am I. None of us are perfect.”

“Well, shit.” Marcus pulled me close and kissed my temple the way he did. “You’re not an asshole.”

“Neither is he. He’s my friend.”

“Can you fill us in on the cuddle-buddy thing?” Declan asked, making me chuckle. It sounded ridiculous when he said it, but it didn’t feel that way when Spencer was holding me.

“The subject came up about me being a cuddle slut. I don’t even know how, but he just…hugged me…and held me…and now it’s a thing we do…every single night.” I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for a group of voices to chime in with a ton of questions. When it didn’t happen, I opened them again.

“What do you mean, every night?” Parker asked.

“I mean, I sleep at his house, in his bed. It’s not sexual. We’re friends who cuddle, hence cuddle buddies. And that’s not all we do. We went to the arcade, and spent time together at the LGBTQ center where he works. I met this great kid who is suggesting books for me to read. His name is Gael…tiny little thing and all heart. Spencer says he doesn’t have a lot of friends and was surprised that he connected with me instantly. Apparently, that’s not something Gael does often, but it’s me and I’m charming, so it makes sense. They need romance books in the library, so I said I’d ask Parker if he’d be willing to do a book drive. Oh! And we went to this party at the center too. We played charades with the kids, and then Spencer danced and—”

“All this happened in a couple of weeks?” Declan interrupted.

“Yeah.”

Marcus said, “And the same motherfucker who said fucked-up shit to you is cuddling with you every night out of the goodness of his heart? With no expectations? I don’t trust it.” Marcus’s voice was tight, his eyes narrowed.

“Marcus…”

“I think it’s sweet,” Sebastian said.

“Seems like he’s realized he was wrong about Corb, and clearly, he enjoys spending time with him.” Parker gave me a tender smile. “I think it’s good for you.”

I stepped closer to Marcus. “It’s not like I never hurt him.”

“What you did is completely different from what he did. He had you second-guessing who you are as a person, saying you wouldn’t be into someone who looked like him. I can’t forgive that shit.”

“Baby…” Kai started. “I love you for your fierce loyalty and pure fucking love of your friends, but you’re being a little unfair here. Corbin is an adult, and if he forgives Spencer and says he’s a good guy, it’s our job as his friends to support and believe him.”

“Unless Spencer fucks up again,” Declan said. “Then he’s dead to us.”

God, I loved them all so fucking much. There wasn’t anything in the world they wouldn’t do for me. The people in this room were my family. No one would ever love me the way they did, and I still didn’t understand how they could, but I was so fucking thankful for it—especially Marcus.

I looked over to see Marcus pulling Kai close to him. Their foreheads touched, arms around each other, and I knew Kai was reeling Marcus in, the way no one could, not even me. Kai leaned in, whispering something in Marcus’s ear. Marcus closed his eyes, nodded, kissed Kai’s lips, and then pulled away.

“Come’ere, kid.” Marcus tugged me to him, and I went easily. His strong arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. I breathed in the familiar scent of him, the first person who made me feel beautiful, the first boy to kiss me, something he had done just for me and not because we were sexually attracted to each other. He was my rock, my biggest supporter, and I needed him to understand what this was with Spencer.

“I don’t really know what this thing is that I’m doing with him. I know it sounds crazy, but I need it. He makes me feel…good.” He did, didn’t he? Spencer made me feel good, his friendship made me feel that way, laughing with him did, and burying my face in his neck, his soft body against mine, made me feel protected and cared for. And for the first time in my life, even if this was something Marcus couldn’t get behind, I would do it because I didn’t want to walk away from it. From Spencer. “I’m not gonna stop…even if you don’t understand. I want your support, but—”

“Since when have I not had your best interests at heart? If you say he makes you feel good, then I got your back and I’m down for it. But I’m not playin’. He fucks up and—”

“We know, baby.” Kai patted Marcus’s shoulder. “Big, tough man will defend best friend.”

Marcus pulled away, and I said, “Beach Bum and Poddy hug.” Some of them laughed, some rolled their eyes and grumbled, but we came together, the seven of us in a group hug with me at the center. My heart squeezed with love for them, but that newer emotion dug in again, the one that made me feel left out and alone. “I really need to find a boyfriend so I have someone here with me too. Plus, I miss sex.”

I felt them still around me.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re not having sex?” Parker asked.

“No. I told you the thing with Spencer isn’t sexual. I want it to be, but I also don’t want to ruin what we have, and I’m not sure I’m ready to find a forever person like you guys did.” Or if I would ever be able to find a forever person outside of my friends. Maybe no one would want me that much?

“You always have sex,” Declan said.

“Did you just call me a slut? Thanks!”

Declan rolled his eyes.

Elliott asked, “Did you and Spencer agree not to fuck other people while you do your cuddle-buddy thing?”

Why were they freaking out about this? “No. He knows I’m looking for a boyfriend because of you guys. I talk to him about Christopher, but like I said, I’m not feeling it.”

“Is Spencer having sex with other people?” Kai popped in.

“Not that I know of. When would either of us do that? We’re always together.”

Marcus said, “Jesus, Corbin. You’re not hooking up, which isn’t normal for you. You’re spending all your free time with this guy. You’re going on dates with him and—”

“We didn’t go on a date,” I interrupted him.

Kai grinned. “Yes, you did, sweetie.”

“You sleep in his bed every night, and he cuddles you…” Parker added.

“Congrats, Corbin. You have your first boyfriend!” Elliott’s hand came down on my shoulder and squeezed.

“I…” No, I didn’t. We were CBs. There was a huge difference, right?

“Well,” Declan said, “not without a conversation with Spencer, but you basically know what it’s like to have a boyfriend now.” Declan shook his head like he didn’t understand me.

“Except the sex,” I added.

“Not everyone has sex,” Sebastian told me, which was true. Sex wasn’t a necessity for a romantic relationship.

“We’re not boyfriends.” But I could see why it looked like we were. We were tentative with the friend thing—though it didn’t really feel like we were tentative. It felt right…natural…and also, maybe he was still hung up on Fuckface DJ…

My gut clenched. I hated that guy and I didn’t even know him, and…holy fuck. Was I jealous?

“I’m feeling dizzy. I think I need to sit down.”

Everyone laughed but Sebastian, who, being the nice guy, led me to the couch. I thought DJ was a fuckface, but add in the fact that I was jealous of Spencer’s ex and… Noooooo. This couldn’t mean what I thought it meant.

“You okay?” Marcus sat down beside me.

Christopher was hot, but I didn’t want to meet up with him. I wanted to spend all my time with Spencer.

I maybe wanted to have a specific boyfriend.

Or at least, I maybe wanted to date him and see if we could be a match.

I’d never ever wanted that in my life.

And he likely didn’t want it with me.

And I was a mess to deal with, obsessed with how I looked and with getting attention and had issues with food. Who would want to tie themselves down to that?

I’d lose my cuddle buddy.

My friend.

No, I wasn’t okay at all.