Chapter 35

Chapter

Thirty-Five

T he ledgers are spread out across the dining table. Selene opens the oldest volume, tracing down the column of the last year before her departure. She quickly finds multiple women on that page who have been marked as deceased during childbirth, whose children were found divine and even some with the outer cities listed, where they made pilgrimages from.

With that as a reference, Calliape and I both take the two remaining and begin searching through, hoping the cruel patterns of the Temple of Divine Mothers come forth.

I hunch over the ledger most recently recorded in, starting with the entry of the divine child whose ritual I witnessed, intending to go backwards from there.

99 watches me from where he sits with August by the safe house entrance. Now that we have property of the Estate unlawfully in our possession, he has naturally made a blockade at the door. No one knows of this safe house, but I know it makes him feel better to stand guard.

The two of them speak in hushed voices while they wait for us to finish, not wanting to distract from the task. I glance up a few times to see his helmet facing me as I work, and the same twist in my stomach starts all over again.

"I have ten women on this page alone who have made the pilgrimage from an outer city or the birthlands and who have died in childbirth, all the daughters divine," Calliape says, looking up from the page and smoothing the tablecloth around her.

I can see the moment her face changes from the excitement of finding a pattern in her own ledger to the heavy reality of what it means.

"My rate is about the same, but I recognize something else too, this family name." I run my finger down the prior year's record in my volume. "This woman comes from a wealthy line in Cosima. I have seen documents with their donations to the temple. She had a daughter and was sent home after no divinity was found, same case for most of the women who had sons."

"They are only targeting women who are not wealthy?" Calliape asks.

"Likely, and ones who they determine have less to go back to. No loved ones to come looking for them." Selene shakes her head. "They are sprinkled, almost hidden within all the high priestesses who give birth in the temple. At a glance, this is just a record. But there is an undeniable pattern in all of these."

We continue on into the evening, only the sound of our scratchy pens heard as we make notes and the flip of pages. Eventually, Selene stands to stretch her neck and asks August to take over for her while she starts a brothy soup.

He sits perfectly straight over the book, writing things down next to Selene's notes, a little messier and slower than Calliape and I are. Watching him concentrate and try so hard to jot the names down in the same orderly columns as Calliape is a very sweet distraction.

However, it's a little odd that Selene asked him to take over for her at all. Even Calliape seemed to think so by the way her brow furrowed at the request. Selene made sure the open book was occupied by him before leaving into the kitchen, not wanting anyone else to take up her position. She also all but launched to that edition the moment I placed them all on the table.

I thought she was just a little overzealous that we managed to retrieve them from the library. Her excuse of wanting to see the records from her time made sense, but now I can't stop thinking about it.

I stare at the top of the binding across from me as August concentrates on its contents.

And then Selene's motive hits me hard, cramping the muscles in my chest. If these records go back three decades, then the entry for my mother's would be there in the one she made sure to take.

"August." I whisper, but he doesn't answer, so I tap the top of his notes. "Can I see that one?"

"Hold on, I am in the middle?—"

"It will only take a moment. I just want to check something." My tone gives away just how anxiously impatient I am to have it in my hands.

Calliape eyes us suspiciously but returns to her work.

"August."

"Fine!" He pushes it to me across the table.

My pulse races as I take the book from him and start flipping through the delicate parchment. Selene tried to conceal this from me, either wanting me to stay focused or in an act of kindness, but both were not her place to decide on my behalf.

"What are you looking for?" August says, leaning back in his chair and flexing his stiff fingers.

"Just cross referencing—" My words cut off on their own when I find the page I am looking for: the correct year and month of my birth and divine ritual.

I could stop now, close the book and give it back. But seeing her name written, a document of the only time we shared together, calls to me.

My fingertips run down the page, closer and closer to the day of my birth.

My heart is racing so fast I miss it, going a day too far and having to scan again.

And then there it is . . . my mother's name.

Vera Undine - deceased in childbirth.

Female child - divine.

My name is written too, so close to hers, and for the first time I wonder if she had time before the elders began their cruel ritual for her to give me my name or if her murders made that choice.

I grit my teeth so hard I can feel my heartbeat in my gums, hoping it will hold back the sudden flush of emotion. I would tear the page out and keep it for myself if we were not using each suspicious entry as evidence. My mother deserves to have her record known, but I cannot be the one to write it.

I slam it shut and slide it across the table back to August.

"Did you find something?" August asks, a little confused.

I shake my head and duck back into my original ledger. If August notices my mood shift, he does not say anything.

But when I glance at 99 where he leans against the wall, still on guard of the front door, his visor is fixed on me. I can almost feel him scanning me for distress; he knows something is wrong, but he will not interrupt the research to inquire when we are so close to finishing.

If we were tethered, I could send him the thoughts that weigh so heavily on my mind. He would see my mother's name written in the entry as I did and would experience the bombardment of emotion that came with seeing it there, what it means, and in that way I know he would understand every aspect.

But we are not tethered, so instead he watches me from across the room. The cold technology of his Viathan helmet signaling that I am in distress with no way of him knowing why.

"As you can see, this is an unnatural number of deaths in childbirth for any world, as the specific criteria of women who are dying is . . . they are obviously targeted." Selene lines the three papers in a row across the tabletop.

99 scans the seemingly hundreds of names that took us hours to collect, bracing his fists on the dining table, his helmet slowly moving over each of them.

I just hope it's enough. I will gladly continue into the night if it is not.

"I would like to submit this to the lord general tonight along with your testimony, Selene." 99 looks up, his visor pointed at me, waiting for me to agree.

"So it's enough proof then?" Calliape asks 99, waiting for him to say we did all we could.

He nods and both her and August beam like they are about to start a celebration.

August pats me on the back. "Knew you could do it." He spins toward Calliape. "Now, we drink!"

She giggles somewhere behind me, but I can't take my eyes off 99 as he crosses the room to get to me.

"I will be back before dawn." His tone is unreadable.

I smile up at him flatly, trying to remind myself to breathe. We did it, we found the information that could save Leema, the proof that will force Viathan's hands to intervene, but I can't even allow myself to be happy until we hear back.

"I will have Calliape take me to the Estate," I whisper.

I could stay here and wait for him. My Viathan guards posted at my door would alert 99 if anyone came looking for me. But with the relief of this almost being over, all I want to do is sit alone and let my mind rest without having to be perceived by anyone.

When Thea said she wanted privacy for her grief, I did not understand, but I do now.

He breathes in sharply, his body stiff and towering over me. "You are certain?"

I feel cruel not wanting to explain all of the emotions swirling around in my head, ones I have been suppressing and others surfacing when I saw my mother's name, but I am so tired and know the words will come out wrong.

I can't tell him I want to sit in a warm, empty temple and become so deep in thought, I have no feelings at all. Or that I have this urge to pray for so long my knees hurt from letting every emotion run through me, the motionless statue of First Mother as the only witness. I need the simplicity of how lonely I used to be.

And if I say that to 99 untethered, it will scare him.

"Yes, I have to be in the temple early tomorrow, the high priestess death rituals."

Calliape's smiles sobers when she hears our conversation, and Selene pretends to collect her things to travel with 99 through the city, but her judgmental eyes keep reaching mine.

99 does not press the issue even though I know he wants to ask me to reconsider, his fists flexing at his sides.

I look up at him, almost begging he will understand. "It was difficult to see all the names together."

His posture changes, and something crosses over his body that makes me think that maybe he has realized who is among the names.

"I will find you after temple service," I whisper.

His hand raises slightly, like he wants to reach out and touch me, but he drops it at his side, then nods.

Selene folds the papers neatly and gathers up the ledgers. She stuffs them into a large bag and wraps a shawl around her shoulders and head to disguise herself. "I will be back as soon as I can," she mutters to Calliape.

99 holds the door open for her to begin their long walk to the Viathans' ship. He looks over his shoulder, pausing in the threshold like he may say something else, but then he steps out into the hangar, leaving a cold, empty spot I can feel down to my bones.

The death rituals for the high priestesses are more somber than the previous. So many fell in the coup, either caught off guard or defending the Estate. A streak of guilt runs through me when the names are called, but I do not know the name of the one who fought in the corridor with Ben.

No service has moved me since I returned, I sit through them daydreaming about 99 or replaying my memories of our life on Viathan, but this ritual pulls at me a little too much.

I scan the front pews for Leema. She looks somber, staring up at the elder priestess who speaks. She doesn't seem nearly as happy as she did when I first saw her here. I am so tempted to press into her mind's eye even though I know she hates it, but I promised her in the past I wouldn't.

I want to tell her I saw our mother's name and how sorry I am for not understanding why she left, for thinking the twisted version of our relationship was true.

When the elder priestess dismisses us for the day, I rise from my pew and walk to the back of the temple on swift feet, my priority making sure Leema is safe above my need to selfishly speak with her and calm my own emotions.

My nerves sing with anxiety to find 99 and hear how the evidence was received. I have regretted leaving the safe house since Calliape brought me back to my chambers. She asked several times if I was alright, and even though I assured her I was, in truth I was breaking apart in more than one place.

I walk out of the temple wing and pace through the Estate until all of the temple members around me have gone back to their daily tasks, leaving the halls empty of the crowd after such a large service.

The Estate is full of Viathan commanders stationed at each corridor, enough to protect anyone walking through the halls. My Viathan guards did not follow me to temple this morning as I thought they would, likely only keeping a post outside my bedchamber at night. I pass another pair of commanders as I enter a secluded hall.

But then I pause and turn back to the commander on the end. I don't want to wait until 99 comes to my chambers to inform me how his meeting went. All of the Viathans have a direct link to him.

"Excuse me," I say.

Neither of them answer or even move from their perfectly still positions.

"I need to speak to your 99th Commander."

Again, they do not answer, so I plant myself right in front of them and notice the shorter of the two tilts their helmet toward me slightly like I am finally recognized.

I am stared at for a long time before he finally lifts his wrist and mutters something, most of it coded. He turns his head like the reply is being spoken into the earpiece of his helmet.

"Affirmative," he confirms into his wrist. "I will escort you." He gestures for me to follow.

I walk beside him to the wing of the Estate nearest the courtyard the Viathan fleet occupies. More commanders line the walls, one posted at each pillar. I have not seen a single Estate guard or worker since we came down this wing, like the Viathans have completely taken it over.

"Wait here," the commander guiding me says, pointing to the opening of a stairwell.

"Here?" I ask, confused, but when he leaves without an answer, I take a few steps up the twisting spiral stairs that block my view of the rest of the hallway.

I lean against the blocky, carved wall waiting to see if the commander will come back to take me the rest of the way or if this is truly the meeting location.

It may be foolish for me to seek 99 out in the Estate, even if I have been allowed to move around on my own again. It's still dangerous. Crixa does not fully trust me, and if it were not so close to the conjunction when all temple members are needed, I know I would still be pushing my cart.

The light tread of footsteps echoes into the spiral column of the staircase, the noise funneling upward into an empty watchtower above. The space is so narrow, only two people can stand the width of the stairs, their shoulders almost touching.

My heart drops to my stomach when 99's determined steps up the stairs halt when he sees me. There are no candles to illuminate the space, only the glow of the ones that bounce their light into the entrance from the hallway.

He takes a few more steps toward me, the light of his armor blotted out in the darker space.

"Are you well?" he asks, his chest rising and falling in large breaths like he walked briskly to get to me when he heard I was near. He does not pull me into an embrace like he normally would, instead standing too far apart from me a few steps lower.

"Yes. Are you?" I run my hand down my veil, fidgeting under the intensity now filling the small space.

My heart beats a little faster, not because of our potential of being seen together but because of the way he looks like he has been waiting to hear from me.

"I spoke to Lord General again this morning."

"Will you tell me how it went?"

"He was very receptive." He takes two steps up the stairs and leans against the wall across from me, now level with my eyeline.

"That is a good sign then?"

He nods.

"Selene testified? The records were enough?"

"They were." He crosses his arms. "He is drawing up the order now."

I press my hand to my chest, reminding myself to breathe. "He will approve an investigation?"

"He is faster than the Viathan emperors, but he will still be slow, methodical with the next steps."

I can't help but feel a tiny bit discouraged that he does not have more of a triumphant update, that there are no commanders currently storming the Temple of Divine Mothers and making sure the women are ok and safe as we speak.

He ducks his helmet to meet my eyes again. "Major progress has been made. It is enough to dismantle that temple for its crimes."

"Really?"

"The Viathan emperors will have to hold council on the matter with Emperor Matthias when the investigation is complete after the conjunction."

"That is too long, 99."

"I know you want it sooner, but the investigation will halt any activity. Those women will be safe as soon as Lord General submits the order."

"It means I will have to stay in the Estate for longer."

He nods.

"It also means if First Son attacks during the conjunction, I will be expected to fight."

99 nods again, pushing off the wall to close the space. "You would have fought either way."

"Maybe it is safer for Leema to be locked up in the temple during it." I take a big sigh.

"Leema only has to wait a few more days and she will be safe."

"There are other women there that look farther along than she is."

"Even while we wait, protocols are being set in motion. I promise you that." He runs my veil between his gloved fingertips.

I sigh, trying to calm myself. "Thank you, I know how much you have done."

"I simply delivered the evidence, Priestess."

I huff out a laugh because we both know that's not true. But he doesn't laugh, just stands perfectly still. I watch the rise and fall of his chest, wondering what he is thinking, why he is so silent. I never noticed just how quiet it can be between us, how much our tether fills in those gaps when neither of us knows what to say or how to express ourselves.

My stomach flips with nervousness I have not felt with him since we were strangers on our way to Frith, when his visor would roam over my body and I would wonder if the vehement disdain I saw there was from hate or something else.

I have not been so perplexed by the meaning of his touch or lack of since climbing the mountain, when we shared our warmth, the language of our bodies speaking more than we did.

I force myself to look into the visor of his helmet, to not look away no matter how it makes me feel. "Does it not affect you then?"

"It is unbearable not having you tethered to me," he confesses, knowing exactly what I am asking.

We have become so dependent on one another to make up for each other's flaws, and now that we cannot connect and fill in those gaps, there is a real threat it will make us fall apart.

He lifts my chin upward. "Will you stay with me in the safe house tonight?"

"Yes," I whisper. I want to stay, but it hurts just thinking of it being like this when we are utterly alone together.

"Ferren, what are you thinking? I . . . need you to tell me."

I take his hand and press it into the unseen hole in my chest. "I am so afraid that if you don't fill every space in my mind, something else will crawl back in and sink its claws into me."

"No, that will not happen, Ferren." He shakes his head and spreads his warm, heavy palm across my chest, brushing over my collarbones so tenderly.

"When we are tethered again, I want your mind to consume every inch of mine and I will do the same to yours. I will drive out anything you do not want there." His body presses against me, pinning me against the stone wall, just the thought of being connected again drawing him forward.

"I am so empty without you, 99," I whisper when his helmet falls to my neck, rubbing against my skin.

He groans low in his throat. "I have not kissed your lips since we left Viathan."

"Would you like to kiss me now?" I reach up to his helmet and run my finger across the seam.

The sound of echoing footsteps halts his next words, cut off by a Viathan guard stepping into the spiral staircase with us.

The commanders helmet snaps downward like he is afraid of the repercussions of seeing us in this state. "Apologies, 99th Commander, but the lord general has requested an audience."

99 sighs heavily and juts his helmet to the side, a subtle command for the guard to leave, then he glances at his wrist like he missed a message while we were here together.

I smile up at him, knowing it could be about the order to investigate. "It's alright."

He pushes into me closer than before and runs his thumb over my bottom lip slowly, like he is watching the act. "Wait for me in the safe house, and tonight I will fuck you until you do not feel empty any longer."