Chapter 36

Chapter

Thirty-Six

M y training in the courtyard with my priestess sisters starts with an elder giving a brief history lesson we are all familiar with on the priestesses of old and how they used their gifts against First Son in the war. She goes through a list of expectations and how we are to use our gifts with poise.

I stop listening soon after that. I am willing to pretend my gifts need refinement to keep up this ruse, as if I have not forged their strength myself and cannot feel the vibrations in my fingertips to ignite my light and rip into this place even now.

The elder shows us examples of light orbs and shields our group should be able to conjure, the majority of the High Priestess around me with a similar gift to mine. We have paired up and are expected to run through each movement with her, and when she is satisfied with each pairing's progress, she dismisses us for the day.

I linger, watching the firepit in the middle of the stone courtyard, now not nearly bright enough without the elder's gift adding to its illumination.

My head throbs from holding back, only letting a small portion of my light filter through with each exercise the elder sprung on us. My fingertips burn with tingly heat to release the rest of what has built up inside me. Most of the high priestesses in our training group struggled. I lied to Crixa, stating my gifts were unrefined, but theirs truly are.

"Ferren." Leema's voice behind me sends a chill down my spine.

I must appear ghostly white when I turn to face her. "Blessed afternoon."

She smiles lightly. "A high priestess said you would be in this courtyard . . . training." She holds her belly and looks around at the few remaining temple members.

I want to explain but am more concerned about the expression on her face. "Were you looking for me?" I glance at two guards from her temple standing idle near the edge of the courtyard.

"Yes, I told them I needed to walk to stretch my legs, that the baby is sitting differently," she explains as if they could have denied her request to leave the temple for a simple walk.

"Would you walk back to my temple with me?" she asks with her hand resting on her belly.

"Oh . . . of course."

She glides past me, taking that as enough answer to begin without another word. I let her lead, feeling like I should say more, but I've lost the ability to form words with the shock of her seeking me out after our last conversation.

We have attended countless ceremonies together since I arrived, and yet I have mostly just observed her from afar, giving her the space she clearly needs.

She has no idea what I have done to get back here, to ensure her safety, what danger she was truly in before we submitted the ledgers. I don't know when or if I will tell her the truth about this place, the horrors that still surprise me.

A few temple members smile and bless our morning as we walk through the temple wing. They seem not only happy to see a pregnant Leema, but they also speak to me as they did when I first returned the stones, calling me blessed priestess and parting the way as I walk.

"I heard what happened," Leema says, noticing the shift in my acceptance among my peers. "I had no idea you could do such things. They said you almost killed the intruder."

I glance at her. "I held her in place until guards came."

"Her intent was to destroy the stones?"

"Yes."

She shakes her head like she is having a hard time processing.

"Are you alright?" I ask when she does not say anything and gesture at her belly, wondering if she got bad news. "Is everything ok with?—"

"Yes, she is fine."

"She?"

"A high priestess came and placed her hands on my belly, deemed her a daughter."

"That is wonderful news." I try to sound calm even though I am terrified.

She hums and keeps the pace of our slow stroll through the Estate to her temple. She is unnaturally silent, and I catch her glancing over her shoulder to check on how close her guards are. Her teeth worry her lip, scraping and biting on the dry skin like she wants to say something but can't.

We slowly make our way across the Estate, over open-air balconies letting in the breeze and the strange light from the conjunction eclipse. We pass Viathans and Estate guards posted at every turn until we are in front of her temple, and the doors open to the courtyard connecting it to the Estate.

I can see into the entrance. Airy fabric is draped on the walls, and chaise lounges are arranged in small sitting sections all around. It looks more like an indoor courtyard than it does a temple. The women live here in the rooms above and give birth in the birthing suites below.

"Would you like to come in for a time?" Leema pauses, leaning in front of me.

I stumble over my words, looking back from her to the temple entrance again when I see Crixa inside. Her hands are clasped, and she is nodding as she chats with a very pregnant high priestess.

"The highest is inside," I accidentally say aloud.

Leema glances back. "Yes, she comes often." Her tone is as if everyone but me in the three worlds knows this.

"I am not sure I am permitted."

"Please, Ferren, just come into the temple. I need to speak with you."

Leema's tone is odd, her behavior since we left the training courtyard enough to make me realize something is very wrong.

I nod and follow her, praying to First Mother that Crixa doesn't notice me. Leema invited me here, but I'm not sure how she will react if she sees us together.

Leema's white gown drags behind her as she floats through the airy space, the room dreamy and elegant. I imagine it's very beautiful when the sun can shine through the large windows lining the tops of the walls. But now it looks haunting, casting strange shadows on the impossibly tall strips of white fabric attached to the ceiling and creating organic rooms within the space. The atmosphere is peaceful, like no one here can be disturbed by the outside world.

"High Priestess!" Crixa's voice spears me from across the room. "What a surprise to see you in the company of your sister this day!"

Leema's expression falls, a faux radiant smile plastered over the worry I saw glimpses of on our walk.

I bow my head, cursing to myself as Crixa glides over to us. "Highest Priestess, blessed morning."

Leema repeats the greeting, her body still angled in the direction of the sitting area we were heading toward.

"Yes, blessed but truly a sad day. Such loss the priestess order has seen. Any priestess slain is a tragedy, but a high priestess in her prime, finally coming into her full potential?" Crixa shakes her head and squeezes my bicep.

Leema's eyes track the motion. "Yes, such a tragedy. I asked my sister to spend the evening with me. I hope that is to your approval. Such days should not be spent alone." Her tone is not her natural way of speaking, and I realize she is purposefully letting Crixa know she brought me here, as if she thinks I will be dismissed and punished.

"Of course. I had meant to visit you, Ferren, in the courtyard for your training, but I was called away." Crixa clasps her hands and purses her lips in a faux pout. "And I was so happy to hear of your news, Leema."

"Thank you. It is a remarkable gift that High Priestess Evelyn can know such things before the birth."

"And may it be blessed."

"Yes." Leema smiles and holds her stomach protectively, like she did when the conjunction tremor ripped through the courtyard.

"You have heard of your sister's triumph? She has shown the temple loyalty. Her atonement period has truly done wonders."

I wish she would just treat me like she did when I returned—glare and ignore. Even her cruelty would be welcome instead of whatever display this is. I have a hard time believing it is genuine after all this time, but that tiny childlike part of me who just wants her love screams to get free, to hear her say such things about me.

Leema smiles unnaturally and looks at me. "It was wonderful to hear."

Crixa pauses for just a moment, watching us how she thinks a mother would admire her children, but instead it comes out gritty and unnerving. "Please, dear, you should sit. I won't take much more of your time." She gestures to the nearest chair.

Leema bows and follows the instructions she has no choice but to agree to. I follow her to a little table in the corner. The seats are not chairs but tufted couches and long, cushioned lounge chairs meant to drape yourself on.

There is a tower of fruit set on the table, every shade and type available on several leveled trays. It is a beautiful space, but nightmarish things happen in the rooms below this temple and I cannot wait to see it fall.

An elder priestess comes over with another tray of fruit I have never seen before and a teapot with steam spilling out of the neck.

"Perfection," Crixa says, allowing the elder to place the tray down in front of her.

"Tea, my highest?" the elder asks.

Crixa lifts the lid of the teapot, sniffing the steam, pausing to think. "Not this one. I want you to remake this, a calming blend for Leema. We do not want her affected by the sadness of the death rituals today."

Leema looks uncomfortable but not because of her belly. She picks at the skin around her nails nervously.

Crixa grabs the ripest piece of fruit from the tower, knowing she can ignore us, and we will wait for her to speak again when she is ready. "How was your training, my dear? I trust you followed the elder's instructions?" She looks to me with raised eyebrows, waiting to hear of my obedience.

"It went well for my first time, I believe. But I am anxious to improve." I internally groan.

Crixa hums, her smile not reaching her eyes. "When you were very young, I once found you in the temple when you should not have been. An unattended child in the Estate temple. Has she told you this?" Crixa looks to Leema to laugh at my expense.

"I do not believe so, my highest," Leema says.

"Well, our Ferren was hugging the statue of First Mother, little arms wrapped around her like she was hugging back." She laughs in one high-pitched, grating sound.

I can feel the lump forming in my throat. "I remember," I whisper.

"I thought to strike you, shoo you off back to school, but you looked so content, so loving and devout even though you were so young. You wanted to serve her. I knew I saw something in you that day."

I can feel Leema's eyes on the side of my face as I watch Crixa, hoping if I keep my eyes wide enough, they will stay dry and not show her what that memory does to me.

"That is why I expected so much of you. I saw myself in you, Ferren."

I try to form a word, which one I am not sure, but she holds her hand up to silence me, like she can't bear to be interrupted.

"And here you are, ascended with beautiful gifts from First Mother." She reaches across my lap, holding my hands as if she is giving me a compliment. The words are so strange, but she truly believes she is saying them with care. "My leniency has done you a disservice from the very start. But First Mother says we must forgive our priestess sisters, does she not?" She claps her hands together, waiting for an answer.

"She does," I reply.

"You have been given a true path to redemption, a second chance. Protect the stones and the Estate, for your sister holds the future within her womb and you must protect it. Can you do that, Ferren?"

Leema stares at the fruit on the table, emotionless, like she is waiting for the interaction to be over. For the first time, I know exactly what she meant when she said she has been used as a means for the temple to keep me obedient. Even now, when Crixa saw I was here visiting my sister, she manipulates that bond, using it as a way to control the gifts she knows are more powerful than I am letting her know.

No wonder Leema left.

"I would love nothing more than to devote myself to protecting the Estate and its future," I say.

Crixa is either losing her touch or I am no longer so easily manipulated by her. Maybe in the past, this would have worked.

I have enjoyed my time of acceptance from the other temple members after I fought off the intruder. I like the way it feels to wield my powers and use them as First Mother intended, but I am no longer naive enough to think Crixa is being kind to me because she, herself, is kind.

"Good. I would like you to be in attendance when the Viathan fleet arrives."

Leema sits up a little straighter next to me, her posture ramrod and alarmed.

"I would be honored, my highest," I say as genuinely as I possibly can muster.

Crixa smiles to herself, clearly thinking of something amusing as she picks through more fruit. "Well, I will leave you two to your evening." Crixa stands and makes sure to smile at both of us.

"Blessed evening." I stand with her, bowing my head, praying she will leave so I can breathe freely.

"And do not worry, my Leema. I have the utmost faith your birth will come with ease. Do not be afraid, it is as natural as the conjunction. I will be with you when the time comes."

"Thank you, Highest. Blessed evening."

I watch her move across the temple and walk into the courtyard with two elder priestesses, smiling and pointing to some of the moon-blooming flowers around the entrance.

Leema stands and watches too, her shoulder pressed against mine. I turn to her, sickened that Crixa said she would be in the room with Leema as she gives birth.

"I have not been a sister to you. I promise to remedy that." She looks out at Crixa and the elders again. "But, Ferren . . . you have to get me out of here."

Nothing has ever struck fear into me more than those words—not seeing the Albright climb down the cave wall toward me or thinking I was dying on Frith with metal stuck in my chest.

Those do not compare to this breath-stealing fear of hearing the worry and pleading in her voice.

"What did you say?" I whisper to her, but she will not look at me, still monitoring Crixa exiting the courtyard.

"Your tea." An elder priestess comes over with a delicate teapot, holding it out to the cups already set at the table.

I want to scream at the woman to leave us alone so she can speak to me.

"No, thank you, Elder," Leema says, holding her belly.

"Oh, it is good for you, good for the baby. It's a special blend that helps?—"

"Yes! Fine, thank you!" Leema snaps.

The woman does not even react. I have seen lesser priestess slapped for using that tone with an elder. Instead, she smiles like she finds what Leema said amusing and pours the tea into her cup.

"I will be back. I have another blend that softens one's mood." She smiles and bows her head.

The interaction is strange, but Leema seems to be exhausted by it, as if she has dealt with this constantly and is tired of the placid smiles and blank eyes.

"I am not drinking that," she whispers to me and adjusts herself, pushing on her lower back as if in pain. Once she is situated in her seat, she takes a large breath and gives me an apologetic look.

"What did you mean by what you said?" I ask, trying to find a reason for her reaction.

She scans the room and tracks someone too close to us as they float over to another seating area before she turns to me.

"Leema?"

"Shh. The day they found out I was having a daughter, they moved me to a larger room, started shoving fruit and tea in my face."

I can't move, can't even breathe as I listen to her.

She tilts her head, not realizing how dangerously she is speaking. "They sent a few of the women who made the pilgrimage here home, no matter how heavily pregnant they were. I heard another woman say they were all having sons, all three of them."

She eyes me, gauging my reaction, and I know she is wondering if she should continue, unsure if she can trust me, and it breaks my heart.

"I am listening," I whisper because it is all I can say calmly.

"A high priestess gave birth when I first arrived, before you returned." She glances around again as if trying to find her. "She has not stopped crying. They will not let her go back to her duties until she has made peace. They took her baby to the School of Divine Children. A baby. I don't remember them taking you there. I was so young."

"The children, we lived there." I nod.

"She is not permitted to see her child." She shakes her head in disbelief. "I can't. I thought I could, but I had no idea."

"Has anything else happened?"

She looks truly confused by my question and then shakes her head. "I did not know if I could trust you to ask of such a thing."

"What exactly are you asking, Leema?" I whisper.

"Please, I cannot stay here." She touches her belly again. "I cannot have her here."

I wrap my arms around her, wanting to provide comfort but also to hush her raising voice. "I will help you, but you have to keep your voice down." I look over Leema's shoulder at a smiling elder who is serving tea to another pregnant woman.

Leema smothers a sob like she is so relieved to hear my answer. "I am sorry. I know I am asking you to do this, risk yourself for me when you have finally ascended and have everything you want. Now you will protect the Estate from First Son. It is truly amazing, but I would not ask if?—"

"It's ok." I shush her, trying not to draw attention.

"You will truly help me? I can't stand the thought of that woman being in the same room as me when I go into labor. She scares me."

"Yes," I answer her pleas but then remember what Crixa said, that she will be there when Leema does give birth.

"Leema, how often does the highest priestess come to this temple?"

"Mostly whenever one of the women is close to their birth dates or when they have started their labors."

A chill runs down my spine as I realize Crixa has said something similar to me before. During our final conversation before my light erupted in the grand hall, she cruelly informed me she was with my mother when she died, how she called out for Leema.

Crixa attends . . . every birth.

Our mother's blood doesn't just stain the elders' hands of this temple.

It's on Crixa's too.

"Listen to me, Leema. Tomorrow at the temple service, find me."

"Alright." She does not look confident.

"Please just find me. I promise you that you will not give birth in this temple. I will get you out."