Chapter 17

Seren

That might be taking things too far. She should care. She wasn't just going to take this man physically inside her. She'd take him in every other way. His past mattered. His present. What he was going to do tomorrow and the day after and the day after. It mattered what he was and what he'd become and how he'd already changed.

But truly, all anyone ever had was the moment they lived in. She'd never been able to understand that concept or at least make it real.

It was real with Rome.

A new serenity flooded her veins. A new surrender.

She looked into Rome's eyes and saw the flicker of something new. He curled his hands into his sides so tight that she could tell that he was forcing himself not to touch her when, really, that was all he craved.

She'd wanted to do this for herself, to prove that she was worthy, to stand up for herself, and because, even though it was truly fucked up, she wanted him.

Now that she could see the fresh anguish on Rome's face, she paused. Nothing was worth hurting him, even if he might deserve it. Even if the wolf in her cried out for justice, the heart that she and the wolf both shared aching.

It didn't seem possible that Rome would be able to show his anguish and his desire at the same time. His face was flushed, and his eyes pleaded with her. He was being torn apart.

It was a bad time for him to grow a conscience.

Seren didn't know what to say. She was naked and starting to feel it, with Rome fully clothed and looking like he was going to war with himself right in front of her. She thought she knew how broken he was, but in reality, she didn't have any concept. She couldn't, not having reached those same depths herself. She only knew what it was to be played false by someone you trusted, to fall out of love with someone you'd sworn to always love, to have them turn their back on you and choose another. She knew what it was to give up everything that anyone said would make a person happy and choose the harder, narrower road, despite all the scorn and criticism and doubt.

She didn't know true loss. Not the way Rome knew it.

Her hand moved before she could stop it. Her palm rested flat on Rome's chest right above his heart. She felt the dampness in the worn thin fabric and realized how much he was sweating.

"Rome?"

"I lost her." Anguish. Pure, horrible anguish. He was there with her in the room, even if he was back in the past. "I lost her and there will never be another. That's what was taken."

"I thought it was something like that. Waverly's mother."

"Yes. We weren't officially mates. She wanted to be, and I denied her. I knew my parents would never accept her. I never gave a fuck about pleasing anyone, but I couldn't leave my pack. She left. For years. When she came back, she was a different person, a part of a group of Rangers. I'll never know even a portion of what her life was like while we were apart, but I had no claim on her. She had Waverly, though I had no idea. Not when we met again. Not when she died. I wasn't aware until I got that call from Lila's lawyer." He winced, as though saying her name made her real.

She'd wanted him to tell her this. It didn't matter that it was a bad time. "It's not your fault. What happened to her."

"Fault," he scoffed. "Fault is ridiculous. She made her choices, and I made mine. We always loved each other, even after all those years. It was against the Ranger code. According to their laws, she could be put to death for having any loyalties outside of them." He laughed bitterly. Her hand still pressed into this chest. How could someone living a life of death be so warm and real? "They killed her and I killed them, and as a result, I was banished. It was the only option if my pack wanted to avoid war. They nearly got it anyway. One man in that group had ties to a pack in the south. My sisters paid the price for what I did. It was only through luck and extreme dedication and sacrifice on their part that they found love and safety with the mates they took to ensure peace. In a way, the deaths that I'm responsible for all directly relate back to the very first day I met Lila."

"Is that why you're afraid?"

"Of what?" He glowered at her. "I'm not afraid. Fear isn't it at all."

"Is that why you never want another mate?"

"We were never mated."

"But you did love her. Maybe in your pack it wasn't technically being mated, but in the human world, loving someone and dedicating years of your life to that love is pretty much about the strongest bond you can get. But there are mates and then there are mates . One involves ceremony, the other, I'm not sure you get a choice over."

"I don't believe in being fated like that."

"I'm not sure I do either, but I think it happens to some people. It's decided before two people ever meet and all the events after just lead them to that path and let them walk down it."

He blinked at her, his eyes glazing over. He was going back to whatever place he liked to dwell. She doubted it was safe inside, but it was known and there was some comfort in that.

"Rome? Can I get dressed?"

His hand closed over hers. He grasped her fingers a little too hard, but it wasn't real pain and he didn't tear her palm away. She couldn't begin to fathom the pain and torment he'd had to come back from. Even just stepping back from that ledge would have been torture. She didn't pity him and that didn't make him forcing her with that contract right or forgivable or justifiable, but she did maybe understand why taking seemed to be the only option to him. It made sense now, the progression of events.

They'd met through tattooing. There was some level of attraction for him. He saw her, he wanted her, he didn't want to want her. He thought that having her could be the end of it. He didn't want another mate. He couldn't afford to allow himself to feel again, not when it had all gone so very wrong the first time. Love had been worse than any kind of hell for him. It meant death for him. Agony. Anguish. Who needed to worry about damnation when the flames of life were so potent and terrible?

"No. You may not get dressed."

She closed her eyes, cursing herself for having asked his permission. She should have just done it. What happened to her controlling the moment?

She snatched her hand back and curled it into a fist. "I'm sorry that all those things happened to you."

His eyes narrowed. "Don't. Don't do that."

She popped her knuckles into her mouth and bit down. "Okay." The silent pause was nearly crushing. "I'm going to get dressed." She got off the desk. Rome didn't back up, so she brushed past him, the contact surging through her.

Of course he turned to watch her do it. She scooped her skirt off the floor and got that on first, covering herself before she put the rest back on. She stared at Rome's mouth, unable to meet his eyes. He had a beautiful mouth, really. It would be so much prettier if he used it to truly smile or laugh, not those sneers or cruel grins or bark out laughter that was never a happy sound.

His mouth reminded her of the kiss they'd shared. Brief and scorching. The memory was burned into her lips and brain. Rome had shocked her with that kiss, more because it was good, than anything else. She wanted to take his shoulders and drag his face back down to hers again. Suck his bottom lip into her mouth and ply it with her teeth as an invitation to bite her. She wanted to take him into her body. Even though she'd never had the urge to be intimate with anyone since she'd been cheated on, she wanted it with him.

The last person on earth who should ever make her want it. Rome was sex. Hard, rough sex, but he could be more. He could learn intimacy. He was wounded and hardened because of it. What he'd endured and done would be enough to destroy just about anyone. He could learn what it was to give himself up to her and receive her body and soul in return.

"You're staring at me like there's hope yet," he said, voice caustic. Far too caustic.

She hadn't done anything to provoke that, and it made her chest hurt. Unbidden, tears gathered in her eyes. Crying was the last thing she wanted to do, especially because Rome liked

it.

He flexed his one hand and then curled it into a fist and cracked the knuckles with the other. "There's not." And then he wrecked her world in a flat, emotionless tone. "I wanted you, and the only way to get you under my control was to pay to do it. I couldn't just ask you to submit to me that way I needed you to submit. You would never have signed anything if you hadn't owed me money. You never would have come to me unless I forced you to be desperate."

Nausea twisted her stomach. "What are you talking about?"

Rome's face was like granite. That was the worst part. He didn't feel any of this. Zero remorse. He was admitting to something terrible. Pain knifed through her, hitting her from multiple angles. She'd just been thinking about her heart and his, twisted together with their bodies eventually. How fucking stupid could she be?

"I found someone who met my requirements, though that part wasn't easy. I offered to pay them a large amount of money to go through with the lawsuit. I paid all the legal representation, naturally. I knew the decision would come against you. I did enough research into your shop and found out who your insurance company was before I came up with any of it. They're notorious for getting out of claims or straight up refusing coverage. Like most insurance companies, they'll always find a reason to turn you down when you need them most. A million dollars was more than I thought the settlement would be, and that was delightful. The courts did me a favor. Yes, darling, that's right. I can see you understand now." He popped the other knuckles. "Once the money was deposited into his account, I made sure he'd give it back, minus what we'd agreed on, but a hundred thousand is a small investment, all things considered. It was all me, Seren. I was the one who wanted you. I trapped you. I was set to claim you and break you as I promised. This is the man you were going to open your legs for. This is the man you already did. You need to know. I wouldn't feel right about fucking you otherwise."

The room spun. Seren wasn't sure if she was going to blackout or if a shift was happening against her will. If her wolf was going to lose her mind and pop out to avenge both of them. She could never have imagined that someone could do anything so heinous, even Rome. He'd warned her and she'd refused to listen properly. Why the fuck hadn't she just kept herself hardened against him? She'd become the most pathetic being on the entire planet. She wasn't worthy of her wolf.

She'd been strong after her divorce because she had to be, but this? What was she even supposed to do with this? Anyone could tell a person that the shit pile of a divorce doesn't last forever. Things will eventually settle and be okay again. People will forget to be mad, assets will be divided, life will go on.

How was she supposed to move past this?

She'd allowed herself to be trapped into basically being a sort of sex slave and then she'd just about forgotten to hate it and offered herself up freely, far past that stupid piece of paper.

She thought she could be this man's endgame, but he didn't want what she'd been about to offer. This was just part of his game. All of it. She'd never heard anything so vile. She'd never met anyone half as horrible as this man.

And still.

Her heart beat pathetically. It ached pathetically. He was never going to be hers. This was never about finding himself or each other or moving past anything. It was all just a bid to get her to submit. She couldn't lose what was already lost.

Her pride might be so thoroughly wrecked that she could never hope to get it back, but she lifted her head and proved that she wasn't defeated. She still had a backbone. No matter how she'd been played or how clever the trap, she was still alive. She'd survive this too.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're pathetic, Rome Nightfall? Because truly, you are. Maybe I should be flattered that you went to such lengths to try to attain me. If I was a bottom feeder like you, maybe I would be. Maybe it would feel good. It would stroke an ego as fragile as yours."

She was so angry she couldn't breathe, so wounded her lungs felt like they'd been shot full of holes, but she couldn't lose it. Not yet. She stalked over to the desk and he had the good sense to get out of her way by backing up a step.

He'd said the contract was in his desk.

She ripped open the top drawer and there it was. Anyone could have come in there and found it, figured out what she'd put her name to. It was the original copy, though others could have been made. If there were, it didn't matter. Rome had given her a confession. He'd given her the keys to something she couldn't even begin to fathom unlocking.

She tore the contract from top to bottom and then again from side to side. Again. Again. She let the pieces flutter to the floor.

They rained down like huge snowflakes, over the floor and over a few of the toys she'd scattered.

Good. Let it all stay there. He could pick it up, knowing all the while that he could never pick up the pieces of what he'd ruined.

She turned to face him, hanging on to her control by a very thin thread. "Thank you for telling me before I made the biggest mistake." She swallowed hard. She should leave it at that, but she couldn't. "You're very good at ruining your own life. You're probably right about fate. Why hold a source beyond understanding responsible for your own malevolence?"

Since Rome had cameras all over the garage, she didn't allow herself a single break in the stony fa?ade that she kept in place as she stormed out the door and to her car. She was even able to drive home like that. She looked in the mirror once, at a red light, frightened by the hard set of her mouth and the darkness in her eyes.

She kept expecting that she'd find a way to let it out once she got home, but all she did was crawl into bed while there was still light in the sky and stare at the far wall of her bedroom. Hours later, she was still focused on the same spot, lost in her head, trapped in her own body.

It would have been easier to cry and scream and rage like any normal person would do, but that would imply that anything about what had just happened to her was normal.