25. Beck

R onan was bouncing around my bedroom as we got ready for dinner. Usually, it was Ollie doing that. Ronan was convinced something was up for dinner. We usually hung out on the Day of Respect, but Lance never went full out and cooked a meal for us. Ollie should have been the one running around with conspiracy theories about why Lance was being so nice.

Which could only mean one thing.

"You know something."

"I know a lot of things."

"You'd better spill," Ronan said, tackling Ollie.

Because if Ollie was being obtuse, he was keeping secrets. Ollie just laughed and wrestled with Ronan. Then he pulled a low blow and went straight for a crotch massage to calm Ronan down. Ronan moaned.

"That's not fair."

"We need to leave. Seriously, just be patient."

I grabbed the tin of Walnut and Honey buns my mom made. My friends really liked them and Mom said it would be rude to show up empty-handed. We walked next door and walked upstairs to Lance's flat.

I was utterly gobsmacked when Lance opened the door wearing a dress. At first, I thought Lance was trying to tell us that he liked wearing women's clothing, which wasn't a big deal in Guttertown, but Lance had a pretty luscious pair of tits on him.

Ronan and I just stood there with our mouths open. Lance was a pretty man, but they were gorgeous as a woman. Was this even Lance? Did Lance have a sister? I'd known Lance my entire life. I'd know if they were a woman. Ollie swooped in and kissed the woman on the cheek.

"Hi, Lucy. We should get inside because it's not safe. Someone could see her."

I was still processing, but I stepped inside with Ronan. I knew every plane of Lance's face because I'd been in love with them for years. Unless Lance had a hidden twin, this was Lance. And Lance wasn't here. Ollie called them Lucy.

"Hi," Lucy said.

Yeah, Lucy was Lance. Or Lance was Lucy. I knew that voice. It was musical and she must have deepened it a little when she was Lance, but this was definitely my best friend and the person I'd been in love with.

"Uh, why are you a girl?" Ronan asked. "Not that I'm complaining because you're stunning and it changes nothing."

"Come eat and I'll explain."

Lucy explained over a pretty elaborate dinner—by Guttertown standards—why we all thought she was Lance and why it still needed to stay a secret. Caitrin wasn't with us. She showed up long enough to take a plate to her bedroom.

Lucy was brutally honest, and I got it. Mom would have wanted to protect her and she wouldn't have been able to. Lucy's father would have squeezed the brothel until she had to close. It would have pissed off every man in Nestran, but they would have played it like it was her fault the brothel closed and not that she refused to let one of them exploit their daughter.

It sucked, but Mom had to think about all of her girls. She'd fiercely protect any one of them, but not at the expense of all of them. Some of her girls worked there because they wanted to and some because they didn't have any other options. If someone wasn't completely sure about working at her brothel, she'd try to give them other options first.

The Baron's daughters were a totally different beast. Mom's hands were tied. She couldn't tell the Barons no and she couldn't give them another option if they didn't want to do it. Mom hated it and so did everyone who worked at the brothel.

"I get it better than the others," I said. "Those girls with other life plans that have their choice taken from them never end up lasting very long. They fade into nothing until they are a shell of themselves. Mom and the previous Madames have gone to bat for them with their fathers and tried to tell them they were going to end up dead. The Barons don't care and those girls all die way too soon."

The rest of Nestran thought it was shameful to work in the brothel, but it wasn't in Guttertown. It was good money and a roof over your head paid for by the men who thought it was shameful. But it wasn't for everyone and it needed to be her choice. It sounded like Caitrin made sure if Lucy ever made that choice, it would be hers.

But Lucy wasn't done yet. She had more to tell us. She hadn't just been pretending when we were kids. Lucy legitimately thought she was a boy. We always thought it was weird Lance didn't just whip it out to take a piss when we were playing and always went somewhere to do it alone, but we thought he was just shy.

Caitrin told Lucy that was private. She should do it away from us and leave if we were doing it to keep her secret, so she didn't know she was different. And then Ronan and I officially found out why Lance was so volatile around Neco. It was a lot to unpack. And Neco would probably grovel to the ends of the realm if he found out Lance was Lucy because his whole thing was killing men who hurt women.

But that would involve betraying Lucy's trust and telling us this was pretty major considering what was at stake.

"Ollie found out by accident, but I'm telling the rest of you for a reason. The first reason is because I love you and the second is because I'm Lance all the time. I can only be Lucy at home. It's confusing. I feel like I'm two people and two genders and I don't know who I'm supposed to be. I need to be Lucy more, even if I can't do that in public."

"We can do that," Ronan said.

"Definitely," Ollie said.

I agreed, and I got where she was confused. It would probably fuck my head up to be one gender to the public and another in private. But I had a feeling who Lucy was where it counted was exactly who Lance was. I was guessing Lucy was just as pig-headed and calculating as Lance.

And it didn't matter if she was Lucy or Lance. It was the brain inside that head that had all the brilliant ideas for the tavern. All the things that made my friend an intelligent, kind person had nothing to do with them being a man or woman. I'd happily help Lucy wade through the complexities of her dual identity but I was pretty sure there was more overlap there than she was giving herself credit for.

"That's not the best part," Ollie said with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Lucy turned purple, and it was pretty hard to make Lance blush. I mean, I grew up in a brothel and we played there often as kids. There was also Guttertown in general and the fact that some pretty wild shit went down at the tavern she lived in. It was hard to make any of us blush. Lucy blushing was about as unsettling as Neco Argent blushing, just for different reasons.

"I told her we were all in love with Lance," Ollie announced.

Fuck. Could I get Neco to break his rules and kill Ollie? Having Neco in my bed sometimes recently was already a perk, but I should really be able to ask him to kill my other boyfriend when he ran his big fat mouth to someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. And I wasn't stupid. I knew how fucked up all of that was.

"Relax. Lucy and Lance feel the same. Lance was just stand offish with us because of Lucy."

"It sounds so fucked up when you say it like that," Lucy moaned into her hands.

"It's really not because I promised Lucy a special night in my barn and we've always done everything together. Lance has always been able to handle us no matter what we got up to. Can Lucy?"

"You want me to lose my virginity to all of you?"

I wasn't mad at that idea. We all regretted how we did it. We got Mom's permission, but that didn't change the fact that to all the women who worked there, I was the Madame's kid and the rest of them were boys they watched play as kids.

At sixteen, we were all so excited to have sex for the first time, we weren't thinking about how weird we were making it for the women. Even at twenty-years-old and a trained warrior, they'd probably think it was weird if I wanted to pay for a night with them. Neco and Lucy as Lance seemed to be the exceptions. We could do it right for Lucy.

"I mean, it goes without saying I'm your favorite," Ollie said. "You just can't say that out loud. I don't want to fight Beck if it was just me and fucking Ronan would find a way to get me in the cells for a week as payback. And we'd never ask you to pick."

"The person who never backed down from anything has always been you," Ronan said.

"Is that crazy?" Lucy asked.

"No," I said. "We all love each other, it's just some of us are finally admitting it. We'd never ask you to pick. And I know exactly how we're going to play this if you agree."

This played out better than I could have hoped. And Ollie made sure if she wanted to explore being Lucy sexually for the first time, we were all there. We'd all get our moments with Lucy alone, but for the first time, it should be all of us.

I guess I could save asking Neco to kill Ollie the next time one of his stupid ideas landed us in the cells again.