Chapter 5

Entering the library, Grace faltered when she saw William browsing the bookshelves. "Oh, I was expecting to find Alice here. I received a message to say that she wished to see me."

"Then I shall leave you be," William said, making to move to the door.

"There is no need for that; this library is large enough to accommodate a dozen people or more," Grace said of the huge space, almost double the size of the drawing room in length and height, which was unusual even in a grand house.

"Arabella advised me to come and explore," William said. "She said it was her sanctuary on more than one occasion."

Grace's first thought was to wonder why he needed sanctuary, but she could not utter the words. She had no right to ask something so personal, and she should not wish to, but she pushed those thoughts aside, determined to focus on the bland. "Yes, she loves this room and who can blame her." The room was lined with fine wooden bookshelves, ladders on runners allowed access to the higher shelves, and a fixed staircase led to a higher level of books. "It is the best library I have ever seen."

"I have found the section of Mrs Avril's books," William said of Alice's work.

"I know I am biased, but she is an excellent writer."

"I have no doubt. They all seem very capable young women. You should be proud of them and the help you have given them; you always were a nurturer."

An uncomfortable silence descended on them. Grace started to walk slowly along the shelving, trying to concentrate on the books, but she was fully aware of where William was, his words echoing in her thoughts.

He should not be able to affect her the way he did; she was excessively angry at him still, but there was more than a passing curiosity and other feelings in the mix. She was annoyed with herself that after decades had passed, being near to him could cause her emotions to be in such confusion.

"I did not realise you had decided to learn Latin," William said, a smile in his voice.

Grace looked down at the book in her hand and groaned. She had not even noticed what book she had chosen, being so distracted. "I never did; it is still a language too far for me."

"Once learned, it can never be forgotten, but that might have more to do with the way my tutors forced me to study."

Putting the book carefully back in place, Grace spoke without looking at him. "I did not know you had made children's toys and adult ones come to that, for I suppose the music boxes are too precious to be given to just anyone."

"I love dealing with the intricacies of the smaller items, but Mr Betez was correct, I am hardly an inventor, just another person eking out a livelihood."

"You have made a living with your creations, whatever title you choose to use to describe what you do, that is more than most people achieve." For some reason, she still wanted to defend him against what Julian had said and needed him to know that she thought highly of what he had managed without any other funds. That she was being hypocritical did not rest easy with her, but she was in such agitation that she was reacting rather than considering that her response should be less gushing.

"Yes, I have. It must have come as somewhat a surprise that I was not forced to live on the streets because of my foolish insistence that I could make a go of a business." There was bitterness in his tone.

Grace knew what he was thinking of, and she held onto the shelf she was standing near as if needing support. She did not wish to bring up the past, but it was as if it was a person in itself, in the same room, standing strong and tall, causing them constant discomfort. "No one believed you could succeed, but it was not a slur on your character."

"How could it not have been? No one trusted me to make my own decisions; everyone chose not to have faith in me. Not even you." The last three words were said with such sadness that they made Grace stiffen immediately on the defensive.

"Can you honestly blame me when your parents and my own were expressing the same reservations and constantly telling me that a betrothal to you was too much of a risk to my future?"

"I learned a hard lesson about those around me during that time."

"I think it is best if you do not speak of it. What can be achieved by going over old hurt?" Grace said quickly.

"Why not? Why not face the reality of what happened then? It was not quite as simple as you make out, was it? Do not answer the question, for I already know the answer; you would have to face up to the truth about yourself, and you have spent the last decades blaming my stubbornness for everything. It is easier to blame another instead of looking at your own behaviour and what you could have done differently."

"I was twenty years old! I needed security." Grace was walking towards the door; she had not met his eyes since the conversation had taken the unwelcome turn, and she was cursing herself for staying. She should have left the moment she had seen him. They could never have a reasonable exchange; past meetings had shown that and yet she had wanted to stay near him. She was a blasted fool!

"And I needed my betrothed to believe in me. Sometimes, we do not get what we want. I know I certainly did not."

"Stop wallowing in what would have never worked out; this conversation proves that. We cannot meet without arguing about things we can no longer have any influence on. It is clear that what happened then will never be resolved one way or another. I would say do not worry, I will keep out of your way for the rest of the house party, but I know that to be impossible. We just need to agree to greet each other for politeness' sake and then forget that the other exists. Soon, I will be gone forever, so you do not have long left to suffer my company."

Alice pushed the library door open, preventing William from responding. "Oh, you are here, excellent!" she exclaimed on seeing Grace. "I am sorry I was delayed, but have you seen the snow? You would not think that we lived in the highlands of Scotland for most of the year. James is running around, challenging everyone to a snowball fight. I hope you are willing, for as is his usual way, he is not taking no for an answer."

Grace smiled, but there was no feeling of relief that Alice had interrupted them. Did she want to scream and shout at him? Most definitely, but she also wanted something else to happen, and she was not sure what that was. But there was a feeling of urgency inside her that would not go away. If things were not resolved between them whilst they were under the same roof, she would never have another opportunity. Then why, she cursed, had she demanded that they should pretend the other did not exist? Sometimes, she was a complete buffoon and her own worst enemy.

The mixture of emotions was discomfiting her, wanting to shake William in one breath and beg his forgiveness in another; those thoughts would then make her angry at herself for being so affected after all these years.

She was at a loss as to what to do, something that had not happened in a very long time. "Of course I will join you. I hope there is enough snow, for there are a lot of us."

"James says there is more near the folly, so we are headed up there. Are you joining us, Mr Marsh?"

"No, thank you," William said. "I will continue to peruse this library and hope that Captain Avril does not find me."

"I will try and divert him away from here," Alice promised.

As the women were leaving, William called out to Alice. "Warn your friends. Miss Holmes is an expert shot with snowballs, and she is very competitive."

Alice laughed with glee. "That is going to be music to James's ears. He loves a good battle."

Grace glanced back at William. "Thank you for that. I have not thrown a snowball for too many years to count. I am sure there is nothing to worry about from my participation."

"I seem to remember on more than one occasion being soaked before the attack was over," William said airily.

"That is what comes of having older family members who did not believe that the younger ones should be given any extra consideration," Grace said, a smile tugging at her lips. "It was become proficient or take a pummelling."

"I remember you warning me that you were a good shot, but I chose to think that you were being your usual self, all bravado."

Grace flushed at his words. "I cannot believe you can remember those times; they seem so long ago."

"They were the happy days." There was meaning behind William's words that Grace stiffened at, all fond thoughts evaporating because she hated to admit that he was correct, they had been the happiest of times for her too.

Grace left the room, and Alice grinned at her. "I did not know you had such hidden talents."

"I do not expect to be as good a shot as I once was."

"You never know, it might come rushing back to you."

"There has been a lot of that happening recently," Grace muttered to herself as she started upstairs to get dressed in her outerwear. "And I am not too sure what is the right and the wrong of anything. It is most disconcerting."

She was so engrossed in her musings that she did not notice the knowing smile Alice aimed in her direction as she disappeared onto the landing.

***

William had attended the party for one reason and one reason only – to spend time with Grace and try to persuade her to remain in the country. When Julia had told him of Grace's plans to go to the Continent indefinitely, he had never experienced panic like it. It had even eclipsed the fear he had suffered every night that Julia was on her quest to try and protect those foolish enough or drunk enough to let their guard down after a night of entertainment. He, along with many others, knew how easy it was to step from the main streets and all too quickly be in the less salubrious side of London. His brother and wife had been killed as a result of that behaviour, and he still cursed their stupidity, which led to them leaving Julia an orphan. That she turned into some sort of vigilante still caused him to have the occasional nightmare, even though she had given up that side of her life.

When she told him of the invitation, he had shaken his head, rejecting the offer of attending the house party, until Julia had followed up with the words that caused his world to tilt.

"It is to give Grace a send-off too. I hate that she will be so far away from us all, but I know she is looking forward to the trip, and none of us can begrudge her after all the support she has given us over the years."

"Where is she going?"

"A long adventure on the Continent. In truth, I do not think she is aiming to return. She has not said anything for definite, but there has been some talk of them travelling before settling in a place for some time, a place they both feel content to call home. Nowhere in England has ever been mentioned.."

William had never fainted in his life, but Julia's words caused his head to spin and black dots to appear before his eyes. Sitting heavily, he tried to take steadying breaths without his niece noticing. Grace was leaving the country, leaving him . She could not. All the years that had passed, though she made it clear that she could barely stand to be in his company, he had known that at least she was there. He could see her and take some solace in that, for though she had let him down, he had never stopped loving her for a single moment.

It had taken longer than he had anticipated to start making a decent living. He had vowed that from the moment he could show that he could support a family, he would once more try to persuade Grace that he had been right in taking the risk and hoped she would accept his second proposal. Yes, the hurt was still there to remind him that she had not shown faith in him when he had needed it the most, but he could not get beyond that he loved her.

The ton saw him as an eccentric, but they considered anyone earning a living in anything but the ‘acceptable' careers of the military or the clergy to be looked down upon. Add to that an uncommon way of earning a living and being a quiet, studious man, and he was most definitely not considered a person of note, just one to be considered not quite up to snuff.

Not giving any credence to what others thought of him, he had worked hard, slowly building a reputation, especially within the new middle classes; the ‘cits' did not care that he was laughed at by the ton ; they appreciated his creations and were eager to spend their new found wealth.

It had all been going to plan, and then his brother and sister-in-law had been murdered, and Julia was orphaned. He was no expert at raising children, but he could not abandon her, loving her as if she had been his own and offering support whenever he could.

When she had joined the Bluestocking Club, he had been delighted to be back in Grace's company but soon came to realise that she no longer cared for him; he would even go so far as to say that she despised him. It had created some bitterness in his own heart, but still there were feelings of love. Now it seemed that time had run out for him to delay anymore, and he had travelled with Julia and her entourage purely to try and persuade Grace to reconsider her decision.

His thoughts returned to what exchanges they had shared, and he groaned. "It has been a disaster," he muttered as he sat heavily in one of the many chairs placed randomly throughout the library.

Rubbing a hand over his face, he only looked up when the door opened. A twist of hope was soon replaced by a heavy weight as he saw that Grace had not returned. That he knew she would not was irrelevant; his foolish heart clung to any prospect that one day his wishes would become a reality, though his brain mocked its sentiments.

Michael entered the room and smiled at William. "Have you managed to avoid being pressganged into the snowball fight too?"

"Yes, thankfully, Mrs Avril offered to protect my whereabouts from her husband."

"I had the perfect excuse of needing to attend to business." Michael smiled. "Being the manager of the estate sometimes has unexpected advantages." He crossed to a row of books and pressed the end one, and the shelf of fake books swung open, revealing decanters filled with whisky, brandy and rum.

"That is an unusual feature of a library," William said.

"It was here before I came to the property, but it has come in useful, and I think today is one of those days. Care to join me?"

"Please. A tot of brandy would be perfect, thank you."

After pouring the brandy, Michael sat on the nearest chair to William. They were a little apart but close enough to have a conversation. "Forgive my impertinence, but are you feeling as much an outsider as I am?"

William grimaced. "Sometimes it is like the world is going on around me, and I am purely a spectator with little or no control."

The door opened slowly, and Captain Kelly entered the room. "Mrs Avril whispered that you were here." He nodded to William. "Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all," William responded.

"Would you like a drink? Whisky, brandy, rum?" Michael offered.

"Whisky, please," Captain Kelly said and sat with a sigh of relief. "My conscience would not let me leave Florry until I realised she was a better shot than I and decided that aiming for the opposing team was not as entertaining as aiming for her husband. I am indulgent with her, but not when I was being soundly thrashed. If there is one thing I have learned when sailing the seas, it is when to beat a hasty retreat."

"We were just being melancholy and commiserating with each other that we are the outsiders of the group," Michael said, handing Captain Kelly his drink. "Not that they do not welcome us, but we are not really of their world."

Captain Kelly snorted. "I could not be further away from this society because of my birthright, but I will not have a word said against my mother. She was not the only one to fall in love with an unsuitable man, and in fact, was pushed into it by the man she was married to. I cannot respect a society in which it is deemed acceptable to have a base-born child just so that the family name can continue, but woe betide anyone who makes an unsuitable match or falls on hard times and they are cast out like a leper."

"There is never any consideration of the ramifications to all involved; nothing is ever a simple case of right and wrong, black and white," William said.

"No, and the effort in trying to hide it, purge it from the family history causes so much damage," Captain Kelly responded. "I have accepted my birthright rather than the pretend life I was supposed to inherit, but being illegitimate means I am unwelcome wherever I go."

"That is too harsh a reflection on you, my boy," William said gently.

Draining his glass, Captain Kelly put it on the side table nearest to him. "I no longer care what anyone thinks of my background; I have made my own way in the world and am proud of what I have achieved. When I met Florry, it made me realise just how lucky I have been in the choices I made, for they have led me to her. She is determined that we will have the best life, no matter where we are and as foolish as some would consider her, I believe in her and her words."

"She has an old head on young shoulders." William was fond of Florry. They had spent time together when she was first brought back to Hugh's house. Hugh had been injured, and Julia had insisted that she care for him; it was one of the few times that William had put his foot down with his niece. If Julia was staying in a single man's home, he was going to remain with her.

"I wish I could erase some of what she had to go through. Every time I think that she was homeless and living on the streets, relying only on her wits, I come out in a cold sweat." Captain Kelly shuddered.

"Arabella told me about her upbringing," Michael said, moving to the cabinet and refilling Captain Kelly's glass. "Lord Bryn must have been out of his mind with worry, not knowing where she was."

"I just thank God every day that she was found." Captain Kelly accepted the refilled glass, swirling the liquid around but not taking a drink.

"Try to put the past behind you, or it will spoil your future. There is nothing you can do to change what happened, but if you look forward and not back, you can stop the ghosts from haunting you," William said quietly.

"Are we all not haunted by the past?" Captain Kelly asked. "We can try to ignore it, but we bear the scars of our past as our children will and their children too."

"I am not so sure," Michael interjected. "The world is changing. Look at the number of estates that are being bought with new money. I am not saying that the cits will look on illegitimacy with favour, but the old aristocracy must be losing some of their hold over society."

"I could send the lot of them to the devil."

The two men were surprised at the force of William's words and looked at him in astonishment. When it looked like William was not going to elaborate on his words, Captain Kelly spoke.

"As you are a gentleman and respectable to boot, I have to ask why you are so against your peers."

"Those same peers whose influence separated me from the woman I loved, still love?" William ground out. "Take heed of their opinions and influence, and you are guaranteed to be miserable for the remainder of your days; take it from one who knows all too well. Please excuse me, gentlemen. I am too maudlin to be sociable."

William left the room, leaving Michael and Captain Kelly looking at each other. "There is no need to ask who he is referring to," Captain Kelly said. "The girls are all determined to put him in Miss Holmes's company as much as they can."

"Yes, Arabella told me of their plans. It does not seem to be going too well from the look of him," Michael responded.

"Do you think they need our expert help?"

Michael burst out laughing. "I am sure you are fully aware of the rocky path I had to stumble along before I married?"

"Ah, yes, and I have to acknowledge that I was a fool for most of the time with Florry, insisting she was too young when it was blindingly obvious that we were perfectly suited. Do you not think that our experience would make us ideal in this situation?"

"I think we had best keep out of it. I am sure that they will find their own way through," Michael assured him.

For one who was usually correct in his assessment of situations, Michael was to be wrong in this instance. Very wrong.