Chapter 4

Julian might not have wished to be involved with children, but it was the topic of conversation when the ladies were gathered the following morning after breakfast. The ones yet to go through childbirth were quizzing Julia, who had two children and another on the way.

Grace had laughed along with the rest of them until she noticed Arabella being especially quiet. Moving to her side, Grace took hold of her hand. "What is it? Is Julia being too open? She does like to describe everything in great detail."

"No, I just… Oh, it is nothing." The tone of her voice said that it was anything but, and Grace kept hold of her, sure that this was a chance to speak of the problem Michael had hinted at.

"You are amongst friends, tell us. Perhaps we can offer assistance?"

The others had heard Arabella's words, and it had silenced them, all concerned about their friend.

"How can you help when it is my own stupidity that is the problem?" Arabella responded, seeming to sink into herself.

"In that case, we are the ideal people to help." Grace squeezed Arabella's hands. "You know we will bully you out of the suds; it is what we do best."

The women gathered around their friend prepared to offer comfort in any way they could.

"What is it, Arabella?" Julia asked quietly.

"You will be shocked and disappointed in me."

"That is an impossibility!" Grace said sternly. "You have all our support and always will do."

"I am not married in the truest sense!"

"I do not understand," Julia said after a moment of silence from the group.

Arabella's eyes filled with tears, and she pulled her hands from Grace's hold to wipe them away. "We sleep in separate rooms. He has been kinder than anyone I know, but I cannot share relations with him."

"Why not? You are clearly besotted with him, and he with you," Julia said.

"I am. I love him so very much." Hanging her head in shame, Arabella gripped the embroidered overlay of her dress in a crushing hold that would have her maid repining later. "I cannot risk having children."

"Are you afraid of what might go wrong?" Grace asked gently. "You are young and healthy, and there are no indications that suggest you would have a difficult birth."

"And I would happily be with you when the time comes," Julia offered. "It is frightening the first time it happens, but nature has her own way of guiding your body. However, I will not lie and say that it does not hurt because it does. Like hell."

"Julia!" Lydia burst out, looking sickened. "For those of us who are yet to go through it, comments like that are not helpful."

Julia shrugged. "I would not be a good friend if I was not honest with you all."

"I have helped women over the years," Florry said. "There was no money to pay for nursing help where I was brought up; the women just helped each other. I was not easily frightened by screams and blood, so I was regularly called on to assist the older women who acted as nurses. It can be hard, but it is sometimes easy too; it seems to depend on the woman." She was recounting a part of her life that reminded everyone what a hard start she had suffered.

"It is not that," Arabella sighed. "I have been through enough pain and survived it, so at least that part of me is not daunted. It is what happens afterwards that I am afraid of." The group looked at her in confusion, at which she rolled her eyes. "My child or children would grow up looking at me and knowing that they had a mother who was disfigured. How can I inflict that shame on a child? How can I not be a perfect mother? I would rather not be a mother at all, and yet I know that Michael will eventually tire of me not being a real wife and seek solace elsewhere, and even the thought of that has me wishing that I had not survived that blasted carriage ride!"

The words caused a flood of tears to burst from Arabella, and she sobbed into her handkerchief. Grace wrapped her in an embrace until the sobs eased. Looks were exchanged, but no words were uttered until Arabella was in a position to hear them.

"None of us are perfect," Julia said, handing Arabella a clean handkerchief. "Our children accept us for who we are."

"That is until they go into the wider world," Arabella sniffed. "What happens when it is time for them to come out, and I become the oddity of the season? How will they ever think fondly of me then?"

"You really have to let these feelings of inadequacy go; they are unfounded. I wish you could believe that," Grace said quietly.

"If you do not overcome this, the two of you will be sad, but I do not believe for one moment that your husband would seek anyone else; the way he is around you makes it perfectly clear how much he adores you," Lydia intervened. "We all have faults. I am a long meg, too tall for many men, and I wear glasses. My children will have a lot to reprimand me for, but they will be loved and supported every day of their lives. You know how my parents were with their distant ways and critical nature, I can tell you that I did not care how they looked; I just wanted their love when they were not willing to give it."

"I sound selfish, I know I do."

"I completely understand why you have fears, but no one is perfect, no matter how pretty or talented they are. You have to believe that you will be giving them far more than you realise just by loving them, for it is the truth." Lydia wrapped Arabella in a brief embrace. "Please do not let this fear hold you back any longer."

"And if you have children, just send them to us, and we will list all our faults; they will be more than happy to return to you," Florry interjected. "In fact, just send them to my house. My pirate and I have enough family complications for the generations to suffer from indefinitely. You cannot make either of us legitimate, which is not something society would welcome in any form. That will be passed on, and do you know, I could not care less. Any children we are blessed with will have the best of lives and more love than they can imagine. I also know that love and support are worth far more than the opinion of a few ignorant matrons."

Julia hugged Florry. "More fool them! None of that matters to those who love you."

"I know, and that is what I am saying to Arabella. Her fears matter only because they are stopping her from being happy. What others think is irrelevant. I have found the man I love, and that is all that I care about, apart from Hugh's family and you girls, oh and Uncle William. I could never forget him." The others laughed at Florry's words, but they soon returned to trying to console Arabella.

"I think being away from society has made me more susceptible to dread what others think," Arabella said. The handkerchief in her hand was likely to be shredded with the way she was tearing at it, the turmoil inside clearly eating at her. Grace put her hand over Arabella's and smiled at her when her desperate movements stopped.

"They would not consider your feelings when giving their unwanted opinions, so why should their rude and untrue spoutings matter?" Frances asked.

"Any children we have will need to come out at some point."

"And there will have been thousands of scandals between now and then," Alice said gently. "We will no longer be consigned to the wallflower benches but to those of married ladies and chaperones. No one will take any notice of us, and if they do, I will let James loose on them. You know how protective he is." The others nodded, knowing exactly how much she was doted on by the giant of a man.

"Do not miss your chance of happiness," Grace said quietly. "True love comes along so infrequently; grasp it with both hands and live your life to the full. You both deserve to be happy."

Arabella smiled at her friends. "I am so glad to have you in my life. Thank you, I needed to hear that I am being foolish."

"You are not. A little silly, yes, but not foolish." Florry grinned at her.

"Thank you, you are all right. I need to think of what Michael and I want, not the opinion of complete strangers."

"Good for you. Now, if you want to know any more about childbirth…" Julia started.

"For goodness' sake! Can we change the subject, or I will not be able to eat for the remainder of the day," Serena appealed to everyone's laughter.

Grace stood. "I am going to find Fanny, I have neglected her, and though she knows my girls come first, I am aware that she has only just met everyone. I do not wish to leave her to her own devices."

Arabella embraced Grace. "Thank you."

"You are very welcome as long as you believe what we have said. You have a lot to offer a family, Arabella; never forget that."

When the door had closed behind Grace, Julia looked at her friends, her eyebrows raised. "That is a woman who is still pining after her lost love. We need to increase our attempts to bring them together, and we need to do it now. Arabella, they need to be seated together at supper. Florry, you must get them together in the morning; you are always keen to be out of doors."

"What about the rest of us?" Alice asked.

"Be alert to any opportunity. If they are nearby and you can entice them into speaking in a group, it is then important that you soon make your excuses and disappear."

"Are you sure you are not some sort of spy, Julia?" Alice asked.

"I have thought that on more than one occasion," Florry said.

"Be quiet, the pair of you. Of course I am not. Hugh would have apoplexy if he thought I was doing anything even slightly dangerous. I am surprised he allows me to sew; needles are sharp, after all. Now, come on, we are slacking in our efforts. Are we all on board?"

"Yes, Julia," came the resounding response.

***

Grace could have cursed when she realised she had been seated next to William at supper. They both looked at each other as if wary of saying anything, but there was a flicker of hope in William's eyes, which made her wonder if he had asked for them to sit together. The thought made her stomach roll that he might have contrived such a thing. She should be annoyed if he had, but for some reason, she was struggling to feel anger towards him. Nevertheless, she did feel unease at the thought of being so close to him for the next few hours.

"It is going to be a long evening," she muttered to herself. Not quietly enough if the glare she received at her words was anything to go by. Then she felt guilty for being so mean, which filled her with remorse and annoyance. She was constantly in turmoil when William was around. There was a slight release of tension in her shoulders when Julian sat down. "Mr Betez, it is nice to have your company this evening."

"And I yours," Julian said with a smile and a bow of his head. "I hope supper is as good as it was last night. I keep trying to steal Arabella's cook, but the woman is proving very loyal, which is usually a good thing, but not when I would like to employ her."

Grace laughed. "I am afraid Mrs Johnson is very protective of Arabella; she will never leave her employ."

"I know," Julian mock-sighed. "I suppose I will have to make up excuses to visit, even when they have children."

"I think you will surprise yourself at how fond you will be towards your own blood relations."

"I await to be convinced. Now, tell me more about your travels. Have you a plan in place for the route you are to take? Speaking to you on our stroll has brought memories back of my own grand tour. I pity the youngsters who were prevented from travelling by that man Napoleon. It was one of the happiest times of my life. What say you, Marsh? Did you go on a grand tour?" Julian asked over Grace's head. It was not etiquette to speak over someone else, but Julian seemed inclined to follow his own rules, not to offend anyone, just to be genial towards everyone.

William paused, his soup spoon in mid-air. "I did not go on a grand tour. Finances would not allow."

"Ah, that is a real shame. You missed out there."

"I was trying to set my business up." William was a quiet man, not one to promote himself usually, but there was a determined set to his shoulders as he uttered the words.

"Arabella has told me about your inventing hobby. Have you made any money from it? Excuse my bluntness; you can curse me to the devil for my impertinence if you like. Forgive my base language, Miss Holmes. We single men are prone to develop bad habits without a good woman to keep us in line."

Grace smiled to show she was not offended, but her attention was fully on William, though she did not look at him. He was such a private man; she knew how much it would have cost him to admit that he had not been able to afford to go on the rite of passage the grand tour was for all young gentlemen. His decision regarding his occupation had resulted in his family withdrawing the financial support that he had enjoyed until that point. It had been hard for her to be a witness to such draconian behaviour when she was so in love with him. That she had abandoned him just as his family had was something that had taken years for her to realise, and she still stung with shame about it.

Bringing herself back to the conversation, she wondered what his response would be to Julian's probing.

"It is not a hobby," William said through gritted teeth. "True, I have not invented anything life-changing, but I have been able to earn enough of a living to keep Julia and I in comfort until she married. Now I have only myself to consider, so I can do as much or as little as the mood takes me."

"But what do you make?"

"I have customised walking canes to contain a blade, spring-loaded for use when needed. Those are very popular, as are the blades and sheaths to be secreted on various parts of the body or within boots."

"That all sounds very violent."

"If there was not the need for them, I would sell none."

"But surely once someone has bought one from you, that is where the transaction ends? There cannot be the need to be constantly returning to you?"

Grace was eating her food quietly, letting the conversation flow around her. She was as curious as Julian about how William made his money, but for entirely different reasons. But she did not appreciate Julian's tone towards William. He was being derogatory, and she did not like it. The strength of her protectiveness surprised her, and she needed to keep her head down so that she would not respond in defence of William. It was worse than when Fanny had dismissed him; Julian was being openly mocking about a man prepared to earn his money. It was a typical response from anyone in society, but she was not happy about it being aimed at William. Her insides churned with the new feelings, not knowing what the meaning of them was.

"We all buy new canes." William shrugged. "It is not all about violence, though. I make a lot of children's toys."

"You do?" Grace asked in astonishment, her shock causing her to look up at William.

"Yes." His cheeks flushed a little. "I suppose it comes as a surprise to you that I would wish to please little ones."

"Not at all. You were always very good with children," Grace said quietly.

William shot her a startled look. "It does not make much money, but it gives me pleasure to see their faces when they are brought to collect their purchases."

"What do you make?" Grace continued. Later, she would curse herself for being too curious and the need to ask questions outweighing her usual cool attitude towards him, but she wanted to know about the business that had caused so much trouble. She had condemned it, along with others, and assumed that it would not last and was not a good idea for a respectable member of society to undertake. But his words suggested that she had known very little of what he had been doing. That almost made her feel left out, that there was something he cared about, and she had no idea about it. The thought saddened her. She imagined she knew most things about him, but it appeared not, and it drove home once again that they really were strangers, which left her feeling bereft.

"Only small items, models of horses, carriages, all with moveable parts. I have worked out a way to make the horse snort, but I only sell those models for older children. Other than that, I make music boxes with birds tweeting, and I have just moved into producing dancers twirling to the music. Those I supply to both children and adults; they are my premium products as they take the longest to make."

Grace wanted to ask to see the music boxes, knowing without doubt that they would be exquisite, but she remained silent, which was easy to do when Julian was involved in the conversation.

"You do not really ‘invent' then but make things," Julian said.

"I adapt whatever I am making to fit what is required of it, and sometimes it makes a completely different product. If that is not inventing something new, then no, I suppose I am not an inventor, but then again, I have never claimed to be one. Others have given me that title, not I."

"There are no patents with any of your work?"

"No."

"Then you could easily be put out of business."

"Probably, but I have enough blunt to keep me in comfort for the remainder of my days. Worrying about new businesses coming along and taking my trade is something for the younger generation; I refuse to lose sleep about anything I cannot change, and I do not wish to apply for patents. I am happy with what I have achieved. If someone wishes to copy a design of mine, then I consider it a form of flattery."

"You are a braver man than I. I would hate to be in such a precarious situation. Did your family not insist that you go into a steady trade?"

"Like the military?" William half-smiled, but his gaze flickered to Grace, and once more she lowered her eyes at the turn the conversation had taken. "As a younger son, it was that or the clergy, neither of which I would have been any good at. I am happy with my work, not many can claim that, and I refused to be one of those who hated what they did. I get pleasure out of what I create, and I enjoy seeing the delight and appreciation on the faces of the people who buy my goods."

"Where did you travel to on your grand tour, Mr Betez?" Grace asked, blatantly changing the subject. Her curiosity and surprise at William's work had dissolved at the mention of a steady trade. There was too much history connected to that remembrance, and she could not allow the conversation to continue in that vein without the old ill feelings rising to the surface once more.

Julian was successfully diverted and kept Grace entertained until Arabella stood to lead the ladies out of the dining room. Grace had enjoyed Julian's company, but part of her had been constantly aware of William beside her, quietly eating his meal and not really communicating with the woman who sat on his other side. Grace wanted to nudge him and remind him that he had obligations as a dinner guest, but she held back. Too long had lapsed since she had been able to guide him by whispering to him, causing a smile before he forced himself to be more social.

Back then, he would have found an opportunity to squeeze her hand surreptitiously, showing her that he would try to be a better man just for her. Yes, that time was long past, yet sometimes it was as if she could still feel the pressure of his hand on hers. Whenever that happened, it was difficult for her to continue being her usual self, for her heart would feel heavy, and loneliness at the loss of what they had shared would pierce her insides.

Nothing was perfect in life, but being with William had felt it. She had never felt lacking until she met William, and then it was as if a part of her had always been missing, and he was the one who made her complete. It had seemed like anything could be achieved as long as they were together. Then the arguments had started. Not between the two of them at first but between William's parents and himself. As the weeks went by, the pressure had increased, and the disagreements had encompassed them too. It still stung that something that had felt so right could be affected by others. The thought had kept her away from even trying to capture the same feeling with another. What was the point if the love of her life and herself had not been strong enough to overcome their first hurdle, albeit a huge one? No, she was lost to anyone else because of her feelings towards William.

Eventually, she would curse herself out of her mood and then become angry that she was still longing for something that should have been forgotten about years ago.