Chapter 32

32

Faust

I hold Shelby against me as I thrust up, spilling myself inside her body.

My mouth is open and I'm breathing and grunting. Her left nipple flirts with my top lip. I finally snap out of my trance and I close my lips around her nipple and give a playful tug.

Shelby groans in a breathless voice.

I pull my mouth away and look up at her.

She lowers her mouth down to mine.

We kiss.

I then gently smack her hips and lift her up, which makes her scream.

My hands move to her back and I pull her toward me.

I rest my face against her stomach.

I close my eyes.

She runs her hands to the back of my head and holds me there.

Why, Shelby? Why? Why did you do what you did…?

"Faust," she whispers. "Will you carry me to bed and hold me all night?"

I'm incapable of denying that request.

I know what waits for us tomorrow.

A whole lot of conversation.

And a whole lot of heartache.

The voice in my head knows this isn't a good idea at all. I should just stay put where I am. Just stay home. There is nothing but trouble waiting outside my apartment right now. Especially where my head is.

It's just not right or fair… all of it.

It's not about one heart beating. It's about two.

And a third one that no longer beats.

I can't help myself.

I ignore everything inside me telling me to stop.

I tell myself if I can't find my keys, I won't leave.

My keys are where they belong.

I tell myself if my car doesn't start…

It starts right up.

Everything yet nothing is tempting me to go to her. And stay home at the same time.

Her.

The one I truly love.

The one I wanted all along.

What a fucked up mess it all became.

My eyes open and there are no leftovers of a dream, just the feeling of a story being told in my head. The story I lived.

I sit up a little in my bed and realize I'm alone.

I reach for the spot where Shelby had been last night.

There's still that part of me that suggests if she was gone… that if she left and stayed away… it would be okay…

Except it's not okay. It never would be okay.

We have a son.

We're together in a sense for life.

The bedroom door opens and Shelby is sneaking into the bedroom.

"Oh. Hey. Good morning."

"You okay, sweetie?" I ask.

"Perfect. Just wanted to get some coffee."

"Did you hear anything about Oakley yet?"

Shelby smiles and walks toward me. She's in nothing but a t-shirt. One of my t-shirts. She looks like the dream I always had about her. The one where's she mine forever.

She touches my face. "Thank you for asking that. And, yes, Dani text me already. She always takes him out for a big breakfast when he sleeps over."

"And her husband… he's a good guy?"

"Nathan is great. I love them both. They can't have kids. They've been struggling for a long time."

"Oh. Shit. That's sad to hear."

"It's always made me feel weird and guilty. That I got pregnant… you know…"

I nod. "Everything is so messy with us, sweetie."

"Yeah, no shit," Shelby says.

Her chin starts to quiver.

Fuck.

I throw the covers off my naked body and stand up out of the bed.

I touch her chin.

"I don't want you to hate me forever, Faust," Shelby confesses. "There's no way around this either. There's no joking about it. There's no going back. What the fuck do we do?"

"We talk," I whisper. "You tell me what happened. And why. I have to know what was going through your head."

"What if I just say there was nothing going on in my head…"

"Then you'd be lying to me. Again."

I take a cup of coffee from her hand and sit down on the bed.

I'm so close to her I can smell her skin. I smell my t-shirt on her body.

My body aches as much as my heart does right now.

I catch myself leaning toward her.

She touches the back of my head, her fingers softly moving.

"Tell me about her," Shelby whispers.

"What about her?"

"Everything. We were something for a minute, Faust. Then we weren't. And you were with her. She was so madly in love with you. I could never figure out where you were in that entire thing. And then she found out…"

"Stop it," I say. I stand up again, standing over her. "If you want me to talk, then let me talk."

"Okay," Shelby whispers. "Can I ask one favor?"

"What?"

"Can you cover up your cock? It's a big distraction for me."

Even in a moment like this Shelby finds a way to say something to make me love her even more.

And, yeah, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm still wildly in love with her.

My cock is covered up.

In fact, I'm wearing gym shorts and a hoodie now.

Shelby and I are still in my bed.

Sitting up, enjoying what probably looks like a calm, peaceful morning.

"You were her best friend," I say. "What do you want to know about her?"

"What you saw in her. Just everything. I feel like Amy was never a real person to us. She just played a part to be… a part of things."

I nod. "I knew that the night I met her."

"The night you met and slept with her."

I turn my head.

Shelby's cheeks are bright red.

"You bailed on me, sweetie," I say. "You have a habit of doing that. I don't care if you don't like being called out for it. I didn't know Amy was your best friend. She never mentioned you once. Not until I met you that night at that pizza place. She always said best friend . Never Shelby . Okay?"

"I loved you so much, Faust," Shelby whispers. "My mother died and I just…"

It fucked with me so bad to hear that. It really did.

"I had no fucking clue, Shelby," I say. "You never said a thing. You never texted. I would have been there. I would have-"

"Which is why I didn't text. What if you showed up and something happened and you didn't end up being a famous goalie? And before that makes you angry, that would mean no Oakley either. Everything that happened gave us Oakley."

"Gave you Oakley," I say. "I was in the dust."

Her eyes fill with tears.

"There's not some deep dark secret here, Shelby. Not with Amy. She was the complete opposite of you. I never intended it to go anywhere. That next morning I all but pushed her out of my apartment. Amy just had that kind of charm about her though. She kept coming back. We seemed to just bump into each other. Probably not randomly either. That was her style I bet."

"And it worked on you."

"Why do I feel like you're mad at me for something, Shelby?"

She shakes her head. "Not you, Faust. Then again, did we do something wrong?"

"Feelings are feelings. Where is this going, huh? Things weren't happening with Amy and me. She was on a totally different wavelength than me. I was focused on going pro and she wanted a future. She knew there was nothing there. And, yeah, fine, you know what? My feelings for you contributed to everything. I wanted Amy out of my life so I could have a chance with you. Maybe I should have just done it the day I showed up at that pizza place. You know how Amy got when things in life got shaky."

My jaw tightens.

Shelby looks down and looks so sad.

I just want to reach over and touch her face. Kiss her cheek. Tell her everything is okay.

But she wants to do this.

She wants to walk down memory lane.

She thinks me and her are the reason Amy is dead.