21. Confessions of a Love-aholic

CONFESSIONS OF A LOVE-AHOLIC

EVERETT

I took a deep breath, my hand hovering over the doorknob. On the other side stood my comeuppance, and even through the wood I could practically feel his signature scowl and the pummeling I was going to get for sneaking around with Pen.

For a moment, I considered pretending I wasn't home, but I knew better. Declan was like a dog with a bone when he wanted something, and right now, that something was my ass and probably some answers.

I mentally inventoried my freezer for bags of frozen peas or steaks for the eventual black eye I'd be nursing. That would look great or game footage on Sunday. Steeling myself, I opened the door.

"Took you long enough," Declan growled, shouldering past me, barely even noticing my state of undress. His eyes scanned the room, and I knew he was looking for signs of Penelope. "Where've you been?"

"Sorry," I said, trying to keep my voice casual. "I was getting ready for a shower."

Declan's eyebrow rose skeptically. "For three hours?"

I shrugged, aiming for nonchalance but probably hitting somewhere closer to guilty as hell. "Lost track of time. You know how it is."

"Uh-huh." Declan's tone made it clear he wasn't buying it. He turned to face me, his expression a mixture of concern and frustration that I'd seen a thousand times growing up. It was the look that usually preceded a lecture about responsibility or teamwork or some other big brother wisdom.

But instead of launching into a speech, Declan pulled out his phone. "Want to explain this?"

He held up the screen to show me that same picture he'd sent. There, in high-definition glory, was that photo of me and Penelope at the speed dating event. We were leaning in close, laughing at something. But that wasn't the problem. It was the way I was looking at her.

Like I was on fire... for her.

"Where did you get that?" I asked, my mouth suddenly dry.

"Does it matter?" Declan countered. "What matters is what it means. Are you fucking Penelope?"

I almost snapped back that what we were doing was so far beyond fucking, that it meant so much more to me than that. But I hesitated, caught between the urge to deny everything, admit everything, and the bone-deep weariness of keeping secrets from the most important people in my life.

Declan glared at me, but not in a you're-dead-meat way. It was like he was trying to see into my brain.

"Look, Ev," he said, his voice gruff but not unkind. "I just want to know what's going on. Penelope's... she's important to Kelsey and to me. She's become family, to all of us."

The unspoken 'and we don't want to see her hurt' hung in the air between us. Indignation flared deep in my gut, and I was ready to spew flames. Did my own brother really think I'd hurt Penelope?

Those flames were quickly doused by a wave of shame. Wasn't that exactly what I was doing by keeping our relationship a secret?

I sank onto the couch and dropped my head into my hands. "It's complicated."

Declan snorted, dropping into the armchair across from me. "Your love life always is."

I looked up sharply, stung by the implication. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Come on, Ev," Declan said, leaning forward. "You've got a different girl on your arm at every event. You're always talking about the perfect woman, the perfect relationship, but you never stick with anyone long enough to see if they are right for you. And now you're sneaking around with Penelope? What's really going on here?"

"When did you become the one to shill out love life advice? I thought that was my job." Yeah, that was deflecting at its finest. But I met Declan's gaze, and I saw something beyond the gruff exterior. Concern. Genuine concern, not just for Penelope, but for me.

And suddenly, I was tired. Tired of pretending, tired of hiding, tired of being the Everett everyone thought they knew.

"You're right," I said quietly. "It is complicated. But not in the way you think."

I took a deep breath, preparing to lay it all out for my brother. It was time for the truth, whatever the consequences might be.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I was about to say. Declan waited, his usual impatience tempered by something I rarely saw in my older brother, concern.

"Pen asked me to give her... dating lessons," I said the words, and even to me they sounded made up. "At first I didn't want to, because I knew how you felt all big brotherly for her. But, dude, she turned those pleading little puppy-dog eyes on me, and, fuck, well, I was dead. I'd have taught her how to fly to the moon and back. I'm telling you, Wiener the Pooh's got nothing on Pen when it comes to begging."

Declan's eyebrows shot up. "Okay, so you're not sleeping with her?"

"Uh, well..." I rubbed the back of my neck and turned my face away. Maybe if I didn't look right at him, he wouldn't punch me directly in the face. I surreptitiously dropped my other hand to cover my junk. "Remember that night I fled my snake-infested house and crashed downstairs at yours?"

"God dammit. I knew all that noise wasn't Pooh having crazy dog dreams like Kelsey said."

Here it came. I closed my eyes and tensed up my muscles, trying to predict where he was going to punch me first.

"Are you in love with her?"

Ooph. That was not the punch to the gut I was expecting. I peeled an eye open and looked to see if he was just suckering me into engaging so he could tackle me with my eyes wide open before he pummeled me into the ground.

He wasn't. Declan waited, studying me, seeing me better than I saw myself.

"I'm so fucking in love with her, I don't even know what to do."

"I knew it." Declan gave a little fist pump. "That's why you've been playing so damn good the past couple of games. Chris owes me money."

"You bet on my love life?"

"Yeah." The duh in his voice was loud and proud. "And it wasn't no five bucks either. I'm gonna buy Kelsey a new fucking car.But why the hell are you sneaking around like teenagers?"

I leaned back deeper into the couch and stared up at the ceiling. "Pen wants to keep it quiet. Said she wanted something just for us, away from the social media circus." I paused, the next part harder to admit. "And now, with this Odin situation... she wants to fix it before we go public. She's afraid of the ridicule, the judgment."

Understanding dawned on Declan's face. "Damn. Kels was right. She's been worried that Penelope's insecurities have been eating at her. She only posts super cheerful, positive stuff on the socials and Kelsey knew she was hiding something."

I nodded, protectiveness for my girl prickling across my skin. "She's working on herself, Dec, and that's fucking hard. She's come so far, and I have to support her, but?—"

"You're not okay with hiding?" Declan asked, filling in the words I was having a tough time saying.

I opened my mouth to defend our decision, but the words stuck in my throat. Declan's gaze softened.

"Ev," he said gently, "are you sure that's the only reason you haven't told any of us about your feelings for Pen?"

I jerked back like he had actually punched me. "What the fuck do you mean by that?"

Declan leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "I mean… are you sure you're not hiding because you're scared too?"

Oh, shit. The denial was on the tip of my tongue, but something in Declan's expression made me pause. I thought about Penelope, about the depth of what I felt for her, about the reticence, honestly, the fear that had gripped me every time I thought of telling her... I made excuses not to say it.

"I love her, Dec," I admitted quietly, the words carrying the weight of everything I'd been holding back. "I'm in love with her, and it scares the hell out of me."

Declan nodded, no trace of surprise on his face. "Does she know?"

I shook my head. "I haven't told her. We've only been together for real since Christmas Eve. I'm not sure she feels the same way. She's still so guarded sometimes, and I... I don't want to push her."

"So you're both hiding," Declan said, but there was no judgment in his tone. "You from your feelings, her from the world."

Put like that, it sounded ridiculous. I let out a humorless laugh. "Some love guru I am, huh?"

Declan snorted, a hint of his usual gruffness returning. "You've always been better at dishing out advice than taking it, little brother."

Ouch. I'd been prepared for a beating, but the kind of punches Declan was dishing out were hitting way harder than his fists. "I told her we need to come clean to the family at least. I hate lying to you guys."

"Good," Declan nodded approvingly. "Because we've got your back, Ev. Both of you. Even when you're being idiots."

Something loosened in my chest, a tension I hadn't even realized I'd been carrying. "You're not mad?"

Declan rolled his eyes. "Mad? Nah. Fuck off with that shit. I've watched you fall in and out of love with every woman you meet. We were all worried you'd never actually let yourself be happy."

What the shit? I opened my mouth to refute him, but nothing came out.

He shook his head at me like the all-knowing older brother telling me how fucking dumb I was being. "You're always so busy trying to help the rest of us be happy and find love, and you know what? It's easier to do that than to find it for yourself."

Again... What. The. Actual. Shit? "You really are fucking mean."

Declan smiled and shrugged. "But it hurts so good, doesn't it?"

I shook my head, not sure that it did.

Declan stood up, and this time he did punch me, in the arm. "I'm happy for you, you little dumbshit. Penelope is one of the coolest chicks I know and you two are going to be great together if you don't fuck it up. Now put your goddamned clothes on. This social media situation is looking like it's gonna be bad, for your girl and mine. The best defense is a good defense."

That was not how the saying went, but Declan probably believed his stance was more the one true way. He was very Mace Windoo, Jedi Master about being on defense.

"Ev," his expression turned serious, "if you love her, if this is real, then you fight for it. Out in the open where everyone can see. She needs to know you'll burn down the fucking world for her."

Jesus. How was I the love guru in this family? Dec was clearly the one we should all be going to for advice. Not me. I nodded, a new resolve settling over me. "You're right. I need to talk to Pen. We need to face this together, no more hiding."

A slow smile spread across Declan's face, one I hadn't seen since we were kids. "Well, look at that. My little brother's finally growing up."

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't keep the grin off my face. "Shut up."

Declan stood, clapping me on the shoulder. "So what's the plan? How are we handling this Odin situation?"

"I don't have a fucking clue. All I ever put on my socials is some pictures of practice or a touchdown dance and I get a million views. It's not like I have a whole lot of big stuff on my platform."

Which, now that I was thinking about it, maybe I should do something to help make the world a better place since I did have an actual platform.

"I think the fans of your KnightWear tighty-whities ads would argue with that." He glanced down at my lap and back up with a smirk on his face.

Was... was he making a dick joke? Who was this man and what had he done with my grumpy-ass older brother? Just as I was about to dish it back, my phone buzzed. It was a text from Jules:

Bro. This Odin douchepotato is beyond sus. Gathering the Take Up Space Network ASAP. Get your pookie, because it is on like Donkey Kong.

I blinked at the message six or seven times before I showed it to Dec. Guess Jules was in the loop now, because I'm fairly sure 'my pookie' meant Penelope. I was so gonna call her that.

"Well, well," Declan said, a smirk playing on his lips. "Looks like your nemesis is in for a world of hurt. Jules on the warpath is scarier than... I don't know, anything. He'd better keep an eye on his Cheerios and his ass."

"No kidding," I agreed, feeling a surge of pride for our little sister. "That girl's a force of nature that should be both worshipped and feared. I almost feel bad for the guy."

Declan's expression turned mischievous. "You know, we could always sic Billy's snake on Odin. Squeeze the truth out of him about what an asshole he's being. Might be a kinder fate."

As much as I hated the guy, that was… too far. I shivered, trying to shake it off. "Don't even joke about that, man."

Declan burst out laughing. "Come on, Ev. You can stare down 300-pound guys trying to crush you, but you're still scared of a little snake?"

"Little? That thing's a monster," I muttered, suppressing a shudder as I remembered my last encounter with Billy's pet. "And now I have the heebie-jeebies like she's here watching me. Let's go find the girls and make a plan that does not involve snakes."

We crossed the street to Declan's house, the short walk giving me just enough time for my nerves to kick in. What if Pen wasn't ready for this? What if she pushed me away again?

Kelsey answered the door, ushering us into the living room where Penelope and Neith were huddled over a laptop. When Pen saw me, her eyes widened, a mix of surprise and panic flashing across her face.

"Ev," she said, her voice tight. "What are you doing here?"

I moved towards her, my heart clenching at the fear in her eyes. She glanced around the room, looking like a cornered animal. "I haven't figured out how to handle this yet. And the playoffs, this is going to be a huge distraction to you and?—"

"Babe," I said softly, taking her face in my hands. She put hers over mine, and I could feel them trembling slightly. "I know you're scared. But hiding isn't going to help. Not from my family, not from the world, not from each other. I promise I will do everything in my power to keep you safe however I can, and I will be there to soothe the hurts I can't stop."

"But—" she started to protest, to pull away, and I couldn't let that happen.

I was raised to respect boundaries, to seek enthusiastic consent, and allow people to make their own mistakes and learn from them. But I was also raised in a home where love and family trumped all. I didn't think Penelope had that in her life.

This was just one more way I would show up for her. So even though I was about to push her boundaries, and she could smack me later for not asking for her consent, I showed Penelope, and everyone else in that room, exactly what she meant to me.

I kissed Penelope for them all to see. This kiss was not soft, not sweet, and not like anything but a man possessed by and obsessed with her.

I kissed her so that no one would doubt exactly how I felt about her.

Including her.