Chapter 17: Aria

Chapter 17: Aria

Morning sun gleamed through the window and burned into my eyelids. I woke with a gasp, my first instinct to protect myself from the raging teeth of the wilderness haunting my dreams.

Then my body registered the comfort of the couch and blanket around me. The smell of Lucas Black flooded my nose. I looked blearily around the room and remembered that I wasn’t isolated in the wilderness of the forest, waking up in a den and struggling to feed myself. I was back in Lucas’ home for the second time, and he was sitting in a chair nearby, just now realizing that I was awake.

He smiled warmly. “Are you hungry?”

I stared back at him, but even if I’d wanted to decline, my rumbling stomach spoke for me.

Lucas chuckled and stood. “Let me bring you something.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I replied bleakly, slowly moving off the couch, only to falter as pain wracked my body.

Noticing my pain, Lucas stepped closer, guiding me back into my comfortable position on the couch. “You need to rest, Aria,” he said. A hint of sternness made his voice rigid beneath the warmth he reserved for me. “I know you think you have to do everything on your own, but trust me when I say I’m here to help you.”

Heat tickled my cheeks. I struggled to keep Lucas’ gaze, my embarrassment like a sucker punch to the stomach. “You shouldn’t waste your time with me. You’re the Alpha of the Silent Shadows Pack,” I muttered. “You have more important things to do.”

Lucas’ eyebrows rose. “You’re the most important thing to me.”

The impact of his words made me dizzy. I couldn’t help but seek his eyes, losing myself in the tenderness of their honeyed depths.

Realizing the implications of his words, Lucas rubbed the back of his neck and stepped away. “Just sit tight. I’ll bring you some breakfast, okay?”

Then without waiting for my response, Lucas retreated to the kitchen, most likely kicking himself over spilling his thoughts like that. The idea that I could be so important to him left me stunned. I hadn’t done anything to deserve it, and all too quickly, I remembered how little I wanted to be worth to anyone, because I was only going to disappoint them in the end. Lucas included. I wanted to tell him that, and the words were slowly forming in my throat, but when he re-emerged with a tray of food, it suddenly became impossible to break the silence. The overwhelming fear of sounding ungrateful was only bolstered by my desperate hunger, seeing and smelling the breakfast Lucas had prepared.

Before me was a spread of toast with peanut butter and strawberry jam, a bowl of cereal with a small cup of milk to the side, and a plate of bacon and eggs. “I wasn’t sure what you’d prefer, so I just made a bit of everything,” said Lucas.

Honestly, all of it looked delicious. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate a proper meal, except for when I was here. Already salivating, I mowed down everything on the tray. Only after breakfast was devoured did I feel shame for being so gluttonous, but Lucas didn’t seem to mind. “You must have been starving the past few days,” he said. “Do you feel better?”

I nodded slowly.

“Good!” Lucas took the tray back into the kitchen, then reappeared a few seconds later, stopping in front of me to stretch.

I should have looked away, but the narrow strip of skin revealed under Lucas’ shirt as he reached his arms above his head and arched his spine completely enthralled me. The trail of brown hair spanning his belly button and the brim of his pants drove my mind wild with wonder. My heart hastened to imagine what else lay under his clothes.

Then he rolled his shoulders, and his shirt sunk down over his waist again. He glanced at me, realizing I’d been watching, and I fought to regain my composure, my cheeks redder than ever. Lucas chuckled again, the sound taunting me. He sat beside me on the couch, but all I could do was stare in another direction, wanting to drive my head through a wall in humiliation.

Why was I thinking such things about Lucas when I knew I didn’t deserve him like that?

“Aria,” he beckoned for my attention.

I couldn’t look at him. I wished I could crawl into a hole and die.

“It’s okay to loosen up around me, you know.”

“I know.”

“So why don’t you?”

There were a thousand truths, yet nothing I could muster the courage to say.

Lucas inched a little closer. “Why can’t you?”

Maybe he’d sensed how difficult his first question was. This question was a little easier to think of an answer for. I briefly marveled at the difference between intention and reason—the difference between don’t and can’t—before sucking in a breath and finally speaking. “Any joy I feel gets ripped away seconds later. So what’s the point…?”

The gloominess of my answer made Lucas pale. “What do you mean? You have so much to live for.” Then reconsidering his response, Lucas reached for my hand, grazing my knuckles with his fingertips. “You changed since the day I met you. Aria, what happened?”

Once more, my throat swelled, and I struggled to speak. “I failed everyone.”

Lucas squeezed my hand. “How?”

But the more he pined for an answer, the worse I felt. The heat in my face manifested into tears in the corners of my eyes. I breathed slowly, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I just… wasn’t good enough to be Alpha Female. I wasn’t good enough for Oswald or for my family. My whole pack believes I’m a selfish, dramatic little brat.”

“But something must have happened for them to think that. Did you fail your training? Was there a fight that I’m not aware of?”

Here was where I wished I had actual evidence of why I was so bad for Lucas. I wished I could tell him of some terrible misdeed I’d committed to convince him that I was a waste of his time, but I struggled to pinpoint my failings exactly. It was the same dilemma that kept me awake night after night, wracking my brain in relentless sadness, trying to think of what I’d done wrong and how I could fix it. I’d thought about it enough, the answer finally tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it. “It never mattered what I did. I tried my best, and it was never going to be good enough. Oswald always disdained me, and then Mara showed up in the nick of time to give my fated mate an excuse to reject me. Mara always gets hurt by me, somehow, when I’ve never tried to harm her. Half the pack believes that I’ve attacked Mara. The other half just feels sorry for me. Everything I dedicated my life to was taken away until I was touch-starved and bleeding out from rabid Rogues, and it feels like it’s exactly what Oswald and Mara want.”

Tears wobbled out of my eyes as I poured all my feelings at Lucas, summing up everything I had experienced in raw truth, hoping Lucas could make sense of what I couldn’t. How could Oswald be so cruel to draw our relationship out for so long? Where did Mara even come from? My life came crashing down at what was supposed to be my highest point. How was it possible that such things could align to break me so severely? I cried in bewilderment, mourning the life I had before my disastrous mating ceremony.

Lucas slid his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. He pressed his lips into the side of my messy head of hair, coarse with grease since I hadn’t bathed in days, embracing me despite my odor and fatigue. At first, I was stunned, expecting him to push me away like everyone did. Lucas just held me tight, breathing deeply and patiently. He rubbed my arm and tilted my shoulder toward him until I was slumped against his chest, shuddering, realizing how badly I’d missed the touch of another person. Not only that but to feel like another person cared about my existence. Lucas did. He held me like in spite of all my shortcomings he still genuinely empathized with me. He felt sad for me and wanted better for me. I cried harder at the sincerity of his touch.

After a long few minutes, Lucas took a breath in. “I’m sorry you went through that. A pack shouldn’t behave that way to someone who’s done nothing but her best to fulfill everyone’s expectations.” His voice was soft and pensive, stroking my heart with affection I couldn’t believe was real. There had to be some ulterior motive behind his embrace. But all the same, I wanted to collapse into him and believe in the best of the moment. That Lucas could care for me.

I didn’t know how else to cope with the moment other than to keep crying until I’d cried out all the sorrow pent up in my chest. It took a little while longer before I could put together words.

“It aches, the hole he’s left inside of me where our fated bond should be. Oswald never had a shred of love for me,” I croaked. “Yet because of our fated bond, he held onto me. If not for Mara would he have said yes? Locked us in a loveless relationship until he inevitably got me killed because he hated me?”

“An Alpha shouldn’t be so cold,” Lucas agreed with me. “If he can’t feel love and sympathy for every member of his pack, right down to the lowest Omega, then he is failing to be a proper Alpha. Worse, Oswald is risking your life. Breaking your fated bond alone could kill you. Knowing the fated bond magnetizes mates to one another, using that to put you in compromising situations until he can shatter your bond. To show such blatant malice toward someone so devoted… I don’t know how your entire pack can’t see that Oswald is failing to uphold the standards of our alliance. I’m disappointed in him. You deserve so much better.”

His words resonated within me. His outside perspective was exactly what I’d been experiencing. He saw it all without his opinion of me being tarnished, influenced by someone else; he saw it as I saw it, and understood my pain, and told me to my face that I didn’t deserve the pain. I’d worked hard. It almost brought me to tears, had I any tears left, but I didn’t. I gazed back at Lucas, losing myself in his amber stare, helpless to the way he admired me.

Lucas pressed his forehead against mine and caressed the locks of my hair, tucking them behind my ear. “How can I help you feel better?” he asked gently.

The sensation of him stroking my hair made me acutely aware of how dirty I was. My voice shook with emotion welling up inside. “Can I take a bath, please?”

His shoulders quaked in amusement. “Yes. I’ll call the healer over, and she’ll help clean you up.”

I didn’t have the energy to insist I didn’t need help. But to be honest, I wouldn’t mind Esther’s company. Sniffing, I tried to urge my facial muscles to smile, but all that happened was a twinge in my lips.

After calling the healer on his smartphone, Lucas tucked it in his pocket and hoisted me to my feet, helping me slowly and steadily down the hallway to his washroom. It was difficult to walk with all my injuries, and by the time I got into the fierce bright light of the bathroom, I was anxious about what hot water would do to me. Lucas sat me down on the edge of the tub, looking at my clothes before suddenly standing back. “You get undressed, but don’t touch your bandages. Esther will be here any moment.”

Then without a second word, Lucas left the bathroom, closing the door and leaving me alone to get naked. Swallowing, I stripped off my clothes and wrapped my arms around myself, shivering as I exposed my cuts and bruises to the air. I slowly lowered myself into the tub, hiding myself in my knees for when somebody inevitably burst in.

Esther didn’t burst in, though. She knocked politely and leaned closer, “Aria, can I come in?”

I shivered and opened my eyes. “Yes.”

The door cracked open. Esther walked inside, her blonde hair piled high on her head in a messy bun. “Ah! You poor thing,” she cooed, laughing but not unkindly. She felt sorry for me too. “Here. Let me unwrap your bandages while we run the tap and let the water warm up.”

Esther leaned in, turning on the tap until it dribbled cold water. She scanned over me, unwrapping bandages over wounds that were shiny pink with mending and dark with scabs. When I was totally bare, and the water ran hot, Esther put the stopper in and filled the tub, gradually immersing me in a surprisingly pleasant, therapeutic heat. I didn’t expect it to feel so nice.

“Just sit there. I’ll wash you,” she said.

At first, it felt invasive, but that was just my touch-starvation making her affection feel strange and undeserved. I did want her to coddle me. I wanted attention I felt like I’d been deprived of all my life. It was nice to sit there and let someone else take care of me after I’d been alienated by everyone I once held dear.

“How are you sleeping?” ventured Esther.

The feeling of her fingers in my hair nearly put me to sleep, and I was so tired. “I rarely get a few consecutive hours of sleep,” I told her. “I’m used to being half awake all night in the wilderness. Sometimes it makes me imagine things. I’m living… constant nightmares… even here,” I admitted with rare vulnerability. But the gentleness with which Esther handled me made me trust her more than anyone in a long time.

Esther frowned. “I’m sorry. I’ll let you a lavender-scented pillow and some oils. They should help you sleep better. You’ll need to get a lot of sleep if you want to heal from these wounds.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Well, I do. It’s my job,” Esther smiled. “But I also want to do it because I want to see you feel better. Alpha Lucas likes you a lot, and so do I. You have a lot of potential. I’d hate to see someone with your talents wasted.”

“You sound like him,” I observed.

Esther laughed this time. “We’ve spent a lot of time together.”

My thoughts ran amok, trying to imagine the relationship between them. Esther must have sensed my uncertainty because she added a moment later, “Don’t worry, it was never romantic. We’re childhood friends. That’s how he is with all the wolf shifters he grew up with in the pack.”

So she was Lucas’ peer. Esther seemed a lot older than him—she had more of a motherly air about her—and that reassured me that there was nothing between them. I trusted Esther easily.

It choked me up when Esther took advantage of that to later tell Lucas, while I was alone drying myself off with a towel, that I was suffering nightmares and should spend the night with someone instead of alone.

“I did sleep in the chair beside her all night,” he pointed out.

“Her body is still recovering. As her fated bond disintegrates, she continues to grow weaker, and any more stress could halt her recovery and kill her. Even seven or eight hours of no contact could tip the scale. Lucas, maybe you should keep her in your room. I think the physical contact you’ve been giving her would aid in her recovery and help her heal faster.”

My heart slammed. Their voices were obscured behind the door, but all the same, I could fill in the missing pieces by tone alone. Swallowing hard, I quickly got dressed, hiding myself while Lucas became amenable to the idea of moving me to his bedroom.

Minutes later, he knocked on the door. “Aria, are you dressed?”

“Yes.” My tongue felt heavy.

Lucas walked into the humid bathroom, mist parting around him like he was an ethereal deity. “Did you hear us talking outside?”

“…Yes.”

A faint smile tickled the corner of his lips. “I think it would be helpful. What do you think?”

“I… I don’t know. It feels like it could be too close.” Familiar heat rushed into my cheeks.

“That’s the point,” said Lucas.

“I can regulate myself,” I protested feebly.

“But what if something happens when I’m not around? I need to help you grow stronger any way I can. It’s my duty as an Alpha,” Lucas said firmly.

I had the feeling that no matter how hard I argued, Lucas would simply assert some excuse and smile at me, determined to care for me.

It was… nice.

“Okay,” I muttered.

His smile grew brighter, and I was reluctant to admit I was enamored with it. He genuinely wanted to repair me, and I wanted to trust that he could.